Guilt is a heavy burden to carry....

[HighHopes87]

So here I am still single at 34. I’ve had a few short term relationships (less than 6 months). As you may have seen in my other threads I’ve only ever had one long term relationship that included cohabitating and the possibility of getting engaged- which I monumentally f**cked up.

I feel strangely haunted by that relationship and I feel like it’s perhaps preventing me from moving on with my life. I feel ashamed that I treated someone so badly. My girlfriend at the time really did love the bones of me and the fact that I caused her so much pain and anguish cripples me with guilt even to this day and it’s been a few years. 
 

We had a very special connection , one that I’ve not been able to find with anyone else. I was young, immature and shallow. She made me a better person and all I gave her in return was a bucket of hurt. 
 

Now this isn’t one of those ‘trying to get her back’ posts because I know in hindsight we  weren’t meant for forever but I’ve been really tempted to reach out to her - not in a weird ‘please take me back’ kind of way but I really want to give her the adult apology that I think she deserves. Selfishly I think it will help me close the chapter and move on with my life. 
 

Any thoughts? 

[Realitysux]

21 minutes ago, HighHopes87 said:

So here I am still single at 34. I’ve had a few short term relationships (less than 6 months). As you may have seen in my other threads I’ve only ever had one long term relationship that included cohabitating and the possibility of getting engaged- which I monumentally f**cked up.

I feel strangely haunted by that relationship and I feel like it’s perhaps preventing me from moving on with my life. I feel ashamed that I treated someone so badly. My girlfriend at the time really did love the bones of me and the fact that I caused her so much pain and anguish cripples me with guilt even to this day and it’s been a few years. 
 

We had a very special connection , one that I’ve not been able to find with anyone else. I was young, immature and shallow. She made me a better person and all I gave her in return was a bucket of hurt. 
 

Now this isn’t one of those ‘trying to get her back’ posts because I know in hindsight we  weren’t meant for forever but I’ve been really tempted to reach out to her - not in a weird ‘please take me back’ kind of way but I really want to give her the adult apology that I think she deserves. Selfishly I think it will help me close the chapter and move on with my life. 
 

Any thoughts? 

Best thing you can do is leave her alone and let her be .. at the end of the day your apology means and changes nothing. 

Edited June 28, 2020 by Realitysux

[d0nnivain]

She doesn't want the apology after all these years.  You are out of her life.  Sending some apology out of the blue is just annoying & awkward.  Worse case scenario you rip open old wounds that she thought heeled.  More probably she gets this from you & her present SO gets annoyed that you are still out there pining. 

A better more healthy thing for you to do is make a real effort to do better in the future with your next relationship.  Take stock of the good things & the bad ones.  Vow to never repeat the bad mistakes.  Of course you will make different mistakes.  We all do.  But if you apply love, compassion, effort, empathy & teamwork to a relationship, it will be fine.  

With that vow, set about meeting new people.  

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, HighHopes87 said:

Selfishly I think it will help me close the chapter and move on with my life. 
 

Yes it is selfish and it seems you have not learned much.
You hurt her badly back then, so poking her old wound now to make YOU feel better, will only hurt her again.
Leave her alone.
 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 to make YOU feel better, will only hurt her 
 

Coincidentally, that is the core issue when the already-obviously-flawed perpetrator of an extramarital affair serves up flawed-human logic  to somehow justify making a second, independent mistake in telling the betrayed partner about the affair (in cases where otherwise that person could be spared having to know).

 

So for a second time "it's all about (you)".

 

 

[HighHopes87]

Thanks for the advice guys. You’re all very right - I am being selfish and I know that it’s not the right thing to do. The last thing I’d want to do is hurt her again and open old wounds. 
I suppose it’s hit me that she’s the only real meaningful relationship I’ve had and I’ve just got to accept that it’s gone. I just don’t know how to deal with the self loathing and guilt in a healthy way. 

[HiCrunchy]

I see no harm in apologizing for the hurt you caused. 

I think more people should be willing to learn to reflect and apologize when they learn they've hurt someone. Most things we do in life are selfish but I don't think it's wrong especially since ur not looking to reconcile and many years have already past so she has had time to move on from the situation.

Now dont expect forgiveness or even a reply, but even then, I do think apologizing is the right thing to do.

Edited July 10, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[Chinook]

Read up on the term “hoovering”.

I'm not gonna say any more because only you know you and her. You’re looking for permission from us here. I can tell you if this was my ex reaching out to apologise I would say “Fck off, you are nothing but scum to me”, because my ex did what you did. Left me in the dirt with no answers. So ask yourself, who exactly are you helping..? Cos it’s not her I can tell you that.

[Ruby Slippers]

What did you do exactly?

If too much time has passed to get in touch with her, you can always write a letter of apology to her but not send it.

Just as we have to forgive others for their transgressions against us, we have to forgive ourselves for our transgressions against others. Hanging onto this self-resentment is like holding a hot piece of coal in your hand. It's time to throw it away, move on, and heal, with a new mentality that you won't make those mistakes again in the future.

[K.K.]

On 6/28/2020 at 5:48 PM, HighHopes87 said:

Thanks for the advice guys. You’re all very right - I am being selfish and I know that it’s not the right thing to do. The last thing I’d want to do is hurt her again and open old wounds. 
I suppose it’s hit me that she’s the only real meaningful relationship I’ve had and I’ve just got to accept that it’s gone. I just don’t know how to deal with the self loathing and guilt in a healthy way. 

I see what the others said but in my case, the guy that did me dirty in so many horrible ways and caused my PTSD and inability to love and trust a man since, reached out a few months ago after 10 years to apologize. 10 freaking years. 

So much time had gone by that I didn’t care about the circumstances anymore. I had stopped loving him years back but I always held a candle. Karma had dealt him a hell of a hand since then, so when he apologized, I accepted. 

I not only accepted but I talked with him for months afterwards as “friends.” So many unanswered questions were put to rest. I finally took him down from that pedestal that I had kept him on for all those years when he didn’t deserve to be there. 

The apology worked two fold. One, I could forgive. Two, I could finally let go of that past hurt of thinking that I had done something wrong or that it was all my fault. 

Plus, a little extra bonus was when I realized that he still has those same horrible traits so now when he texts me, I can look at it, feel nothing and go about my business if I choose to. Or I can chat with him about the weather or a song and not feel anything except relieved that I made it out alive. 

I’ll always be thankful to him for that apology. 

[Rockdad]

So in essence now you want to unload your guilty burden on her. Leave her be.

[Realitysux]

17 minutes ago, Rockdad said:

So in essence now you want to unload your guilty burden on her. Leave her be.

Never reach out directly or indirectly. Never do that as it was done to me, it has affected me to the point I am off work for a month. If I can pull myself through this in a months time.