Tips after begging?

[d0nnivain]

36 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

And just to be clear, women ALWAYS want the men they've dumped to "fight for them." It's purely for ego and validation, it makes her feel wanted. 

 

As a woman let me tell you this in not universally true.  For those who do want you to fight for them, those people are immature game players who are s*** testing you.  Don't fall for it because they are poor prospects for long term partners.  

If I have gone to all the trouble to break up with you -- a step I take only after communicating about the nature of the problem & trying to fix it -- I do not want you to "fight for me."  I know my own mind.  I want you to hear me & respect the position I have now taken, that we're done.   The time to "fight" for our relationship is when I bring my concerns to you initially.  At that point it can be fixed. 

If you wait till I break up with you, know that was the last resort & I want you GONE! 

The failure to abide by my wishes & clear boundaries at that point is disrespectful & presumes that you know my mind better then I do which is just plain wrong.  All you do at that point is p1ss me off & if you keep it up, you cross into illegal harassment & stalking. 

[rjc149]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sorry, but no. This is not always true. 

Source: I'm a woman who's dumped men. 

41 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

As a woman let me tell you this in not universally true.  For those who do want you to fight for them, those people are immature game players who are s*** testing you. 

 

Since I've admittedly stated this in hyperbole, let me clarify, for the benefit of the OP.

Most women, when they dump their boyfriends, usually do not expect them to simply disappear forever.

Not counting the circumstances in which the woman is 100% sure of the breakup and over the relationship, or the circumstances in which she was never really in love with her boyfriend to begin with -- there is a part of the woman that expects, if not hopes, that her ex will reach out to her again at some point.

When her ex does NOT chase, beg or plead, he just says 'okay fine' and walks away without looking back, it does cause her to question the value of the relationship and her attractiveness to him. In that sense, it would validate her self-esteem to keep hearing from her ex. 

When a woman does want her ex to "fight for her" after she dumps him (and plenty of women of all ages and maturity levels do) it's never because she needs proof of his love and that she needs to give the relationship another chance. It's for validation and security. 

My suggestion to the OP remains the same: do NOT reach out to her again. Let her experience the breakup too. She wanted it, so give it to her. Disappear completely. Let her wonder, question the breakup if she any doubt (she very likely did), feel insecure, and miss you. 

Every day you go without contacting her is taking a piece of your dignity and self-respect back. Every day you go without contacting her is restoring her attraction to you. 

 

 

 

[Fox Sake]

It’s not just women. Men do it too. 

I've had it done to me and I’ve done it to others in the past.  
It’s a pretty low thing to do but it’s just human nature, to know we are still desirable despite being the ones to pull the pin. looking for validation that we aren’t bad people. 
 

The worst part is , the validation of being chased , has the total opposite effect. No challenge left , to easy , wet blanket, door mat bla bla bla 

[rjc149]

Even if, to the women in this thread, you are thoroughly disgusted by your ex and could quite happily live your life never hearing from him again, you'll never get me to believe that you'd feel worthless, unattractive, and undesirable if those exes did reach out. You're just mature and self-aware enough to not directly seek, or long for, that base human validation of still being desired by someone you no longer desire.

Edited June 29, 2020 by rjc149

[ExpatInItaly]

22 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

you'll never get me to believe that you'd feel worthless, unattractive, and undesirable if those exes did reach out. 

You're right, I didn't feel worthless, unattractive or undesirable when he reached out again. 

I felt annoyed. 

Edited June 29, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[rjc149]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I felt annoyed. 

I have zero reason to question or doubt that in this specific breakup situation with this specific ex, you did. 

 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

And just to be clear, women ALWAYS want the men they've dumped to "fight for them." It's purely for ego and validation, it makes her feel wanted

Not true.
She wants him gone, or she wants him to fit seamlessly into the friend mode. 
The last thing she wants is for him to "fight for her".
If he does so, he wasn't listening to her and as ExpatinItaly says that is just annoying...

[rjc149]

22 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Not true.
She wants him gone, or she wants him to fit seamlessly into the friend mode. 
The last thing she wants is for him to "fight for her".
If he does so, he wasn't listening to her and as ExpatinItaly says that is just annoying...

I think we're all just going to offer our own personal experiences here to refute what we feel are absolute, hyperbolic statements. 

I've been dumped by women who, months later, told me it hurt them they I didn't try to "fight for them."

I've been friends with women who, after dumping their boyfriends, confided that they wanted him to "fight for her." 

I've had female friends tell me, after I've been dumped, "go fight for her, because that's what I would want if I were her."

I don't think it's a totally false, ridiculous statement to make that many women want to feel wanted and desired by men, even the ones they've just dumped. 

So aside from me conceding that the small sample size of women posting here do not want to feel desired by their exes, I don't see much point in trying to debate this. 

Edited June 29, 2020 by rjc149

[elaine567]

You used the word ALWAYS from your own small set of women you know... LOL!

[preraph]

I think it depends on the circumstances.  If she's ready to break up, she probably doesn't want any more trouble or confrontations or "fighting for her," and it will make matters worse.  If she feels slighted and is trying to get the guy to understand he's out of bounds and needs to show some remorse, then yes, she wants to see remorse, but not just general fighting for her without resolution.

[TylerMc]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You used the word ALWAYS from your own small set of women you know... LOL!

Ok guys arguings not going to help anyone lets just leave it

[d0nnivain]

TylerMc 

No matter the reasoning behind this & our bickering, I think you need to get the main point which is you need to not contact your EX again.  That is how you reclaim your dignity.  

[TylerMc]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

TylerMc 

No matter the reasoning behind this & our bickering, I think you need to get the main point which is you need to not contact your EX again.  That is how you reclaim your dignity.  

I know thank you I’m going to try my best to move on

[Fox Sake]

That’s what make us all individually special and what makes LS such a valuable place. 
There is advice here to resonate with the right people. Of which there are many different types. I can’t stress that enough. Ones thoughts might not be to another’s suitability. 
 

There isn’t really a wrong answer anywhere here OP. Just different tides that have given us the individual character, personality and experiences we have all been through.

We share those with everyone, and learn some new things along the way too. This experience of yours will help you tremendously in life and any potential future heartache. Keep on being you, keep on top of NC, keep seeking answers and understanding -  you can’t go wrong  

1 hour ago, TylerMc said:

Ok guys arguings not going to help anyone lets just leave it

 

Edited June 29, 2020 by Fox Sake

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

You used the word ALWAYS from your own small set of women you know... LOL!

Please read my post beginning with the statement below:

3 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Since I've admittedly stated this in hyperbole, let me clarify, for the benefit of the OP.

 

I'm not interested in making this a tit-for-tat over my omission of every single female experience and perspective and making broad, general statements within the confines of an internet discussion board. It seems every time I try to offer sound dating advice to a male OP who has been dumped by a woman, you need to challenge it with "No! Wrong! Not every woman is like that! Some women like this! Some women like that!" 

For the benefit of the OP, which is why I'm posting here, it's helpful to know that pursuing his ex will not help his case. Needy behavior will turn her, and many women, off. And many women do enjoy the validation of being chased and desired by their exes.

In order for the OP to restore his dignity, and potentially her interest in him, he needs to cease the needy behavior, and demonstrate high value by walking away. So regardless of whether some like it hot, some like cold, or some like it in the pot nine days old, the OP has gotten sound advice. We don't need to turn this into a male vs. female debate. 

[rjc149]

And make no mistake, OP. There is wrong advice you can follow. That would be to reach out to your ex, or wait 30/60/90 days until contacting her again, or trying to show her how much you care, or any of that. 

The best advice is to never, for as long you live, reach out to her again in any way, shape or form. If she reached out to you in a substantive way (ie. tries to start a real conversation) then you can revisit the relationship with her. If she doesn't do that, it's over, and you move on. 

[TylerMc]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

And make no mistake, OP. There is wrong advice you can follow. That would be to reach out to your ex, or wait 30/60/90 days until contacting her again, or trying to show her how much you care, or any of that. 

The best advice is to never, for as long you live, reach out to her again in any way, shape or form. If she reached out to you in a substantive way (ie. tries to start a real conversation) then you can revisit the relationship with her. If she doesn't do that, it's over, and you move on. 

Ye exactly thank you mate 🙏🏻 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, rjc149 said:

And just to be clear, women ALWAYS want the men they've dumped to "fight for them."

Another woman saying that this is untrue.  That's not to say that no women want it, but when I've been begged, it was very much unwanted.    I didn't need the ego boost, but nor did I judge him as being weak and needy for doing it.   I simply didn't want that kind of attention.  

 

[rjc149]

58 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Another woman saying that this is untrue.  That's not to say that no women want it, but when I've been begged, it was very much unwanted.    I didn't need the ego boost, but nor did I judge him as being weak and needy for doing it.   I simply didn't want that kind of attention.  

 

See my post above. I think I've resolved the matter. 

The emotions of feeling annoyed at unwanted pursuit, and feeling insecure and undesirable at not being pursued, are different forms of dissatisfaction. I would dare to think that even if an ex's pursuit was unwanted and annoying, it would have no negative impact on your ego. 

I find it a little annoying and tiresome when I'm offering general advice to a male OP, and I have to slog through protests from female posters needing to remind me of the exceptions and niche preferences held by various women, as if my omission of them somehow renders my advice invalid.

I'm not trying to rob you of your individuality. I'm trying to give dating advice to a male OP. Women are turned off by needy behavior. No, not every single last female who ever lived on earth. But many women. 

Many women feel desired and validated when they are pursued by their ex boyfriends. No, not every single last female who ever lived on earth. But many women do. 

As a general approach to dating, men should not be needy, and they should be wary if their efforts in pursuing a woman are constructive, or simply validating her ego, even if she appears receptive to those efforts. 

You don't need to tirelessly remind me of the exceptions. Every. Time. 

 

Edited June 29, 2020 by rjc149

[JJ198410]

On 6/28/2020 at 10:01 AM, TylerMc said:

Hey guys i begged an pleaded with my ex for a week an a few days after the break up. It was 3 weeks ago an i sent a final text yesterday which got no response just wishing her well when she goes back to work an she knows where i am if she needs me and today is my first day of no contact. Does anyone have any tips or experience with ex’s after u have made a fool of yourself? 

Honestly, an ex is an ex for a reason. The only reaction you’ll get by begging is going to be that you don’t respect yourself. 
 

if she isn’t talking to you, its cuz she doesn’t want too. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

You don't need to tirelessly remind me of the exceptions. Every. Time. 

 

It's not just you @rjc149.   Male or female, when one describes all of one gender's behaviours as ALWAYS I will say it's not so.   

[rjc149]

39 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's not just you @rjc149.   Male or female, when one describes all of one gender's behaviours as ALWAYS I will say it's not so.   

Fair enough. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

you go no contact to prevent yourself from looking like a begger, now you actually have to not talk to her, ever, not like just no contact for a bit, dont ever talk to this woman again, she doesn't respect you, nothing.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Worse than the begging is the "I'm here if you need me" part. Instead of her feeling the harsh and immediate consequences of deciding not to have you in her life any longer, you've all but told her she can come back at any time--even after sampling other guys 🍆🍆🍆 All you can do now is go immediate and total NC. Block her from everything, so that she has no way of knowing or seeing anything about you. Only then MIGHT she start to feel a sense of loss and curiosity.

Edited June 30, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1

[TylerMc]

2 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

you go no contact to prevent yourself from looking like a begger, now you actually have to not talk to her, ever, not like just no contact for a bit, dont ever talk to this woman again, she doesn't respect you, nothing.

Ye man i have to do it forever if she has any value in my life she’ll message me