Is there too much resentment or do I not love him anymore?

[Yarburough]

Long story short. I’m mid 30s and husband is late 30s. We have been married 10 years and have a 5 year old daughter. 
 

Around 5 years ago, shortly after giving birth, I began to suspect my husband having an affair. Did some investigating and caught him saving her # under another person’s name, talking/texting when not home, etc. I checked his email and found out about a hotel reservation 4 hrs away. (Assuming where she lived???) I waited until the day of and caught him with her there. He stayed the rest of the reservation with her even after being caught. He was arrogant with this is only a friend. How dare you assume....blah. I knew it was bs but suggested counseling Instead of leaving since we had a newborn. We went to a few sessions but it was mostly him denying that he was having an affair and blaming me for my suspicions and not loving him enough to trust him. Counseling was a waste because he denied and continued the affair for 3 months after.  (We had same phone company so I saw the records). 
 

He treated me poorly during this time. But one day had a change of mind and ended it with her and confessed to me about the affair only being one meet up. I didn’t believe him. He tried to make it up by apologizing and treating me like I wanted but we eventually separated because I was too angry and starting fights. We separated 2 years. 
 

He contacted me everyday asking for another chance. Apologizing for how much he hurt me. Saying he was stupid and have found God now. Etc. after almost 2 years and much reassurance that the affair was over and he’d never do it again, I took him back. 
 

We’ve been together since then. He was perfect with being transparent. Leaving phone around. Not staying out late and inviting me everywhere. Telling me where he’s going. Basically assuring me I can trust him. 
 

However we had an argument a few months back and In the heat of an argument he said that I can move out of his place because he was tried of the drama. I also overheard him venting about the argument saying that he hopes I leave because I’m so unhappy with him now and don’t trust him. so I told him I was leaving. He begged me to stay. 
 

now I feel as if he doesn’t love me. I feel like he never has. I feel insecure now. I question where he’s going. I don’t sleep in bed with him anymore. We don’t talk much. Mainly about surface things. No affection on my end. But he keep saying he didn’t mean those things he said and hopes that I don’t leave him and cried at the thought. 
 

I fee nothing for him now. Now that I don’t love him but I’m afraid that his feelings are not real. I question everything and it doesn’t make me want sex, etc. I don’t feel butterflies. I feel nothing. 
 

I would hate to leave because he’s being a great husband now. He has not given me a reason to suspect cheating now, I do because of the past. Everything I wanted but I can’t get over the past.  How he cheated and I took a chance by taking him back just to find out he was talking about me to others. Which of what he’s saying is true? What he’s saying to me or what he’s saying to others in the heat of the moment? Everything he says annoys me now after that argument. We aren’t fighting, he isn’t being mean currently, it just feels like co-parenting. Like the love is gone but no arguments. No tension. Just indifferent on my part. 
 

my question: Do you always feel “love” for your spouse? Or are their times were you simply co-exist without passion and then the passion returns? Is it normal to expect butterflies all the time. I’m concerned with not feeling “in love” I feel counseling is a waste since it didn’t work before. Or do I I simply leave this situation? 
 

 

Edited June 29, 2020 by Yarburough

[FMW]

Over time, resentment can kill love (or at least the desire to be with that person).  Stone.Cold.Dead.  That may be what happened with you.

On the other hand,  it's not reasonable to expect butterflies all the time, and sure, long term relationships have their lulls in passion and desire.  But I think you should still feel love/affection/attachment.  You should certainly have the desire to maintain your partnership.

If counseling didn't work, what about just talking to each other, one on one?  Expressing your feelings (or lack thereof)?  Sure, it's awkward, but it's certainly something you should try hard to do before resorting to divorce.    

[kendahke]

I don't think butterflies are indicative of anything. I think it's more "what do you feel when you look over at him when he's sleeping?"

Is what he's doing now too little too late?  Is this the kind of model for a husband you want your daughter to grow up learning is normal; and this is what love between two people looks like?  If your daughter came to you and told you the exact same story you're telling us, what would be your advise to her, knowing what you know now?

Why do you feel he deserves a second chance? Because on the surface, it looks like he's not being deceitful?  Remember how you caught him out the last two times he thought he'd covered his tracks: you found records and you overheard him telling someone else how he really felt about you.  He only comes clean when his nuts are in the vice. That's why he's performing right now.

He lied in the therapist's face about not being in the affair and didn't take ownership of what he did to destroy your marriage with them and now, you're walking around on eggshells for the next time he slips up and confirms what you already know.

And BTW--you have every right to be incandescent over what he did to you... and you're not obliged to get over it on his time table. If he didn't want you bringing this smoke, then he should have opened up a can of 'act right' from the start.

He'd have to go back to therapy for me to seriously consider anything about staying with him... and I don't mean 3 visits and he's done. I'm talking about at least 18 months of weekly, intensive therapy with someone who isn't going to let him put the okey-doke over on them. Therapists are like employees--you have to interview them and put them through a probation period to see if they're effective in their practice. If you don't feel they're effective, you fire them and find someone else.

At the end of the day, are you ok with the person you have to become in order for him to be in your life? Resentment poisons everything.  Yes, you're supposed to forgive, but sometimes, the insult to one's intelligence by the person who stood before God and man and swore they'd love, honor, cherish and be faithful until death can be a bridge too far. He lied and played you for crazy in front of everyone you know--and you just don't walk that mess off on anyone else's time table.

Edited June 30, 2020 by kendahke

[Yarburough]

I’m afraid that I may have regret if I leave. I know that he’s proven to be dishonest and there isn’t much to lose there. But it seems that things are more honest now. I don’t want to leave with things being as I’ve wanted from him because I can’t get over the past. 
 

The only thing stopping me is anticipating regret. I can support myself and baby financially. Is there ever an “ah-ha” moment that people realize this is the time for me to go. It seems as if that moment is not coming. It would be easier if he was creeping around again.

I feel nothing (currently) but also fear regretting leave. Arghhh

 

 

[Caauug]

On 6/29/2020 at 9:14 AM, Yarburough said:

However we had an argument a few months back and In the heat of an argument he said that I can move out of his place because he was tried of the drama. I also overheard him venting about the argument saying that he hopes I leave because I’m so unhappy with him now and don’t trust him. so I told him I was leaving. He begged me to stay. 

 

On 6/29/2020 at 9:14 AM, Yarburough said:

I took a chance by taking him back just to find out he was talking about me to others.

Hummm…. You don't like him taking to others about the state of your relationship? He can't vent to others? He has to keep his feelings bottled up and can only talk to you about them? Or maybe he can't do that because you are holding the affair over his head and will do until the end of time? 

Affairs destroy relationships, to rebuild there has to be effort of all parties. One person can not do all that is required to rebuild what is lost. From what you have stated he has been open and is trying to gain your trust again. What have you done besides take him back?

A lot of this has to do with power(?)….. In the early days you admired him for who he was and how portrayed himself. You likely felt he had power and was proud. After the affair he begged you to come back, he gave the power to you. He lost his proudness and became humble. This is not what gave you "Butterflies" in the early years, you now see him as weak(er). He has lost value in your eyes (butterflies missing). Having your husband beg to you to stay at every fight his not doing you or your husband any good. How can he show strength to you while begging? Maybe it is time to let him be a man again.

Not everyone will agree with me..... (or maybe no one)

[Yarburough]

Thank you for replying and I understand what you are saying. Most of the time I don’t bring up every time I am feeling suspicious. If he has his phone in his pocket or on vibrate (as before when we was cheating) I notice but may not mention it. But I do feel a moment of insecurity. Later, I’m often reassured by his naturally leaving his phone around without me ever saying anything. If I come home and he is not there and I don’t know where he is, not a huge deal and not worth mentioning. All of these things are super minor and not worth mentioning and eventually work themselves out. I am not constantly nagging him about it. But Once you have been cheated on, there is often raised suspicions. Constantly worrying if this time is like the time before. 
 

However, if it’s something bothering me a bit more than these things.  I’ll try to talk to him. Most of the I try to talk to him when I’m feeling uncertain about something and he shuts down. For example, the affair initially took place when he went out of town without me. So if he’s going out of town without me (in the rare times he does), I feel nervous. I feel insecure and suspicious. This feeling is like butterflies in my stomach and a situation that I would mention. When I bring it up (super calmly) he tells me things are going to be ok and that he’s not doing anything. When I try to explain that I believed him before and it wasn’t the truth and That I’m not trying to hound him, he goes silent. He says we have to pray about it and let go of the past. Not too helpful. I may do most of the talking and at that point seems naggy. In reality, I’m expressing myself and he says nothing. So when I hear that he’s venting to other about the very things I’ve been trying to get him to communicate with me about, it’s disheartening. Why couldn’t he just tell me? So when I say that I will leave, it has nothing to do with me stripping his power (never my intention) it’s only after I’ve asked how does he really feel and he gives me nothing so I say I’ll leave because I’m not sure how he even feels about me. 
 

when you asked what I’ve done: (During the affair) I suggested and set up the marriage counseling, knew he was still cheating and tried to still make it work, tried to communicate as maturely as possible. (After the second chance) I have bottled up many things that have seemed suspicious in an effort to keep the peace, always am the person to try communicating, don’t check phones or ask him a thousand questions, try to be affectionate to a person I sometimes and uncertain feels the same because of the past. There are numerous things and sacrifices I make.   
 

I say all of this to say, there is not a constant nagging. I don’t mention it on a daily or weekly basis. There are many times that I don’t say anything and in a constant battle internally. I do not bring it up in an effort to not have a constant black cloud. Out of the 10 times I feel suspicious, I only bring it up twice. I too am doing my part to be open even though I feel a huge gray area. 

[kendahke]

20 hours ago, Yarburough said:

Is there ever an “ah-ha” moment that people realize this is the time for me to go.

Usually when you discover the next affair.

Until "seems" becomes "is", that's not much of a reason to double down with him.