I think I'm in love with my bestfriend!

[Micky]

I am a 17 year-old female who just graduated from high school. My best friend is a 20 year-old male who is a sophomore in college. He has a girlfriend who is also in college, about two hours away. They have a "different" relationship in that they are mutually unexclusive while they are away at school, but immediately get back together when they are at home together. He has had several girlfriends over the course of the past year, but I know he loves her. I don't think that their relationship is very stable, so I am not concerned about it. I met him two years ago at an academic summer program. Living together for four weeks we got to know each other pretty well, but only as friends. We've kept in touch by e-mail, and have gotten together several times just to hang out. He came to my graduation last month and stayed at my house for a couple days, and it was like we'd never been apart. We talked about everything under the sun, about school, love, etc. I feel completely comfortable with him and can tell him anything. Of course the one thing I can't seem to tell him and am not sure if I want to tell him is that I think I love him as more than a friend. He is a counselor this summer at the camp we met at, and I went to see him this weekend. We went out to eat and went back to the dorm and talked until 4 in the morning, and I wanted to tell him so bad, just to see what he would say. I'm not really worried about it messing up our friendship, because neither one of us is like that. I'm not really sure what my problem is, it's just weird having something that I can't talk to him about. Not that I put much stock in what other people say, but everyone who has ever seen us together thinks that there is something going on or thinks that there should be because we're so perfect for each other. And we are perfect together, I'm just not sure if that perfection extends into love. Under ordinary circumstances I would just forget about it since I'm going off to college this fall, but it's kinda different in this case because our colleges are about half and hour apart and he has his car on campus. Visitation will not be a problem. The thing that bothers me the most is that right now I look at our relationship, and I can't imagine being this close to any other guy. He knows everything about me, including my annoying little habits, and still puts up with me. I think I know almost everything about him, including his annoying little habits, and I love him for every single little nerve-racking thing he does. I have had more guy-friends than girl-friends over the years and this is the first time I have ever had these feelings for a friend. Even though it's only been two years, we're closer than I have been with friends that I've known for ten years. I know he's my soulmate, I just wonder if it's possible to find your soulmate and not be in love with him, or maybe I am and don't know it. I'm just really confused. The only thing I'm not confused about is that I love him with all my heart. I love how he is so honest even when it hurts. I love how he makes an effort to get to know my friends and family, and let me get to know his. I love how he gets this cute little big brother complex when it comes to me. I love how he knows all my ticklish spots and uses them as a weapon. I love how I know all of his ticklish spots, and the cute little giggle he does when I use them as a weapon. I love how he has a little cowlick when he wakes up in the morning. I love how peaceful he looks when he sleeps, like a little boy. I love how he knows what I'm thinking just by looking at me. I love how he can read all my little moods and emotions, even in something as impersonal as an e-mail. He never ceases to amaze me with some of the things he says and does. Is this friendship or is there potential? HELP!

[odyne]

I am a 17 year-old female who just graduated from high school. My best friend is a 20 year-old male who is a sophomore in college. He has a girlfriend who is also in college, about two hours away. They have a "different" relationship in that they are mutually unexclusive while they are away at school, but immediately get back together when they are at home together. He has had several girlfriends over the course of the past year, but I know he loves her. I don't think that their relationship is very stable, so I am not concerned about it. I met him two years ago at an academic summer program. Living together for four weeks we got to know each other pretty well, but only as friends. We've kept in touch by e-mail, and have gotten together several times just to hang out. He came to my graduation last month and stayed at my house for a couple days, and it was like we'd never been apart. We talked about everything under the sun, about school, love, etc. I feel completely comfortable with him and can tell him anything. Of course the one thing I can't seem to tell him and am not sure if I want to tell him is that I think I love him as more than a friend. He is a counselor this summer at the camp we met at, and I went to see him this weekend. We went out to eat and went back to the dorm and talked until 4 in the morning, and I wanted to tell him so bad, just to see what he would say. I'm not really worried about it messing up our friendship, because neither one of us is like that. I'm not really sure what my problem is, it's just weird having something that I can't talk to him about. Not that I put much stock in what other people say, but everyone who has ever seen us together thinks that there is something going on or thinks that there should be because we're so perfect for each other. And we are perfect together, I'm just not sure if that perfection extends into love. Under ordinary circumstances I would just forget about it since I'm going off to college this fall, but it's kinda different in this case because our colleges are about half and hour apart and he has his car on campus. Visitation will not be a problem. The thing that bothers me the most is that right now I look at our relationship, and I can't imagine being this close to any other guy. He knows everything about me, including my annoying little habits, and still puts up with me. I think I know almost everything about him, including his annoying little habits, and I love him for every single little nerve-racking thing he does. I have had more guy-friends than girl-friends over the years and this is the first time I have ever had these feelings for a friend. Even though it's only been two years, we're closer than I have been with friends that I've known for ten years. I know he's my soulmate, I just wonder if it's possible to find your soulmate and not be in love with him, or maybe I am and don't know it. I'm just really confused. The only thing I'm not confused about is that I love him with all my heart. I love how he is so honest even when it hurts. I love how he makes an effort to get to know my friends and family, and let me get to know his. I love how he gets this cute little big brother complex when it comes to me. I love how he knows all my ticklish spots and uses them as a weapon. I love how I know all of his ticklish spots, and the cute little giggle he does when I use them as a weapon. I love how he has a little cowlick when he wakes up in the morning. I love how peaceful he looks when he sleeps, like a little boy. I love how he knows what I'm thinking just by looking at me. I love how he can read all my little moods and emotions, even in something as impersonal as an e-mail. He never ceases to amaze me with some of the things he says and does. Is this friendship or is there potential? HELP!

Wow, you present a tough case! I'm not a regular on here but having been in a few similar situations I'll try to be as helpful as I can. My first impulse would be to tell you almost exactly what you told Alan, who had yet another like-problem. After reading all you said though, I can't help but think there is potential. You seem to truly love this guy for who he is and accept him for his faults and virtues. Not being there though, I can't say any of this for sure. Does he give you signals that he likes you? Have you ever caught that soft gleam in his eye when he is looking at you? You say it won't mess up your friendship if he knows, that in itself is a wonderful beginning. My advice would just be to take a step back and look at the situation, first of all consider what is best for him, and yourself. Do you need a friend more than a boyfriend at this point? Does he need a steady friend? After reading what you say about his current/past relationships, you may want to consider waiting until he is truly single if you plan to make a move. That's another thing, there are a bunch of different ways to tell him if you decide to. If you're not sure you want to yet, and you're not sure how he feels about you, ask him! Or if you want to be more subtle and you are comfortable with it, there are certain things that border on friendship or more. Like take a chance and kiss him on the cheek sometime, see how he reacts. And most of all, if you are sure it won't hurt your friendship, talk to him!! Even if you decide this isn't the right time to be in a relationship with him, if you are really that close of friends, it is going to continue to bother you to keep secrets from him. It sounds like you love him and trust him a lot, even if he feels differently...from what I've heard it doesn't sound like he'll hurt you. I'm not there though, so you need to just look deep inside yourself, pay attention to him and your heart and if it's truly what you want to do, let him know. I hope this helps somehow, bonne chance, take care. -- odyne

[micky]

Wow, you ask good questions! Thanks for writing back. The like signals? It's kinda hard to tell with us. It's like we flirt sometimes and he's really getting into it, but it's always a joke and neither of us takes it seriously. As for the soft gleam in eyes, yes, I have seen it. I just don't know if it's that big brother love look or something more. And as for the kiss on the cheek thing, I've done that before, and there hasn't been any negative reaction, but then there hasn't really been a reaction at all. It's like it's a completely normal thing for us. We always joke about being each others "human pillow" because we're always leaning or laying against each other (in a friends kinda way). So from this aspect it's kinda hard to tell from physical contact. And yes, unstable though it is, I do feel a little uncomfortable about his relationship. However, the positive of that is that from mid-August until November he probably will not see her because of distance, and I will be right down the road. And I'm not stupid enough to start something with him if I think he's going to get back together with her as soon as he goes home. One of the things he's had a chance to learn about me over the last couple of years is that when it comes to love and relationships I don't go halfway. It has to be all or nothing, and if he's going to keep going back to her then it'll have to be nothing, no matter how much I love him. I did make a little progress in the telling him thing last night. He knew there was this guy I work with who I was somewhat talking to, and he asked about him this weekend while I was there. I told him I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks because he was on vacation. When I went to work Saturday I found out that the guy had quit, which I had actually known he was planning to do. I e-mailed my friend and told him and he was telling me not to worry about it because there would be plenty of guys at school this fall and to just have fun looking. I e-mailed back and told him that it sounded like a good plan and said "now, if I can find a guy just like you who isn't my best friend, I'll have it made". We'll see tonight what he's reaction was I guess. Thanks again for your input.

 

Micky

[odyne]

It sounds like you are on your way to telling him. I guess my last bit of advice right now would be, if you end up fully telling him, give him some time to think it over. I know most people's first impulse is to take the other person's first reaction and jump to conclusions. Like "he smiled, he likes me!" or "he's so quiet, he must hate me!" Ya know? So just give him some time to compute it all. These things are not always easy, hardly ever easy in my experience. Just make sure you keep talking to him, no matter what. I've made that mistake, and even though it was him not me that stopped the conversation, I still regret it. As long as you can both continue to be open about the situation, things will turn out okay. It sounds like although you may love him as more, if it doesn't work out you'll still have a great friendship. If things end up as just friends, sometimes pure time will help you get over him. Other than that, sounds like you're doing a great job. Let me know what happens!

[micky]

thanks again for your advice. my e-mail is <e-mail address removed>. write sometime.

It sounds like you are on your way to telling him. I guess my last bit of advice right now would be, if you end up fully telling him, give him some time to think it over. I know most people's first impulse is to take the other person's first reaction and jump to conclusions. Like "he smiled, he likes me!" or "he's so quiet, he must hate me!" Ya know? So just give him some time to compute it all. These things are not always easy, hardly ever easy in my experience. Just make sure you keep talking to him, no matter what. I've made that mistake, and even though it was him not me that stopped the conversation, I still regret it. As long as you can both continue to be open about the situation, things will turn out okay. It sounds like although you may love him as more, if it doesn't work out you'll still have a great friendship. If things end up as just friends, sometimes pure time will help you get over him. Other than that, sounds like you're doing a great job. Let me know what happens!