Serious marriage problems

[Flyer320]

Hello,

I wanted to vent here and ask for your opinion. Thank you well in advance.Tell me anything you have in mind.Sorry if its too long or boring for you. There is a tl;dr in the end. If anybody has a suggestion i am very willing to hear it.

  I dont know how to keep my marriage going. We are 30. 8 years together (on and off for some 1 year) 3 years married.I have met my wife in college at age 22. We started dating but didnt think it would end up with marriage. In our last year of college, her father passed away, leaving her to take care of her mother and younger brother. I drove her to her own city 8 hours away in a heartbeat, helped with the funeral. helped her through that time with depression etc. After some time she got mad at me for nothing and broke off, thinking it would be like many of our break ups, 2-3 days of not talking and the getting back together. No it was more like a year because i had enough. 

However me living in a big city she tried to get a job here as there were more opportunities. She had nowhere to stay so although i was living with my parents (which is a big issue) offered her to stay with us. She lived with me for around 6 months. Constantly wanting to get back together. 

Then I got a job. Started working too much, while after a while she also found a job and got her mom and brother to the same city. After a while (with her still wanting to get back together) she found another higher paying job in another city. I met a girl and went on 2 dates but we were not suitable. So on the last day she was going to leave, she went to my parents to say goodbye while i was at a date with this new girl (who i broke off with at that same night). Well, while i was dropping the other girl to her house, for the last time i may add, she saw us and got furious. She messaged me and i felt so bad for not being there for her last day. 

After she got settled in her new city, i went there to apologise. I dont know if i wanted to get back together (i think stuff with the other girl made me think there werent many people suitable for me for my age and personality etc.) but one thing led to another and we became long distance bf gf. It was ok, but after a while she started talking about marriage. It just felt like the next logical step. 

Well I tried so hard to get a great job ( a career she informed me about). Wıth rigorous tests and evaluations i got the job. I was Moving to her city. I basically worked myself to death to get this job, and maybe to be near her¿ ı dont know.

I moved there we got engaged, married everything, But for the last year or so, we fight a lot. I have contemplated divorce many times, so has she. And the worst part is, she believes my mother to be a two faced liar. Not directly her words but she thinks that my mom is a conniving manipulator, while i have nothing bad to say about her mother and brother. I believe them to be real nice people in the end, even if they make mistakes they are good at heart. That is very important to me.

I geniunely like them as people, my wife too. However, her being so heartless to my mother who opened her house to a stranger in need and my father who treated her as a daughter even while we were not dating, it infuriates me. 

Now in my opinion, the only reason to get married would be to be able to depend on each other in hard times. My parents are old (almost 70) and I have no siblings. if I would die I would want my wife to take care of them, but now seeing how she dislikes my mom, I am very sceptic of that. I would care for my mother in law (who i call mom and sincerely love her) or brother (same).

This problem is one among many. We fight all the time and it feels like she wants to “win” or “be correct” rather than help us solve our problems. We have a lame sex life, once a week maybe. We both put on weight after getting married etc.

We have too many arguments and I have to be the one to make us up all the time. She gives me the cold shoulder after a fight and may speak to me in general but never to make up. I always have to be the de-escalator. 

Fellas, I geniunely dont know how to solve these problems. I advised counselling during our last major fight(in feb) and we didnt go. I am fed up with trying to find ways to repair while she doesnt. I keep waiting for her to take the next step, it may be therapy, councelling, anything. But no, she is depressed and needs someone to make her go and do these things.I am fed up with being the one to advise these things, she has a mind, why cant she figure out ways that may help us? Or does she not care anyhthing other than being right and correct all the time?

One last thing, i believe counselling is very much required for us to save our marriage. But after being the one to initiate everything in our relationship and working to repair our marriage and not seeing much work on her side, I REFUSE to be the one to initiate this. I have had it.

Is this the end for us?

 

Tl dr; marriage problem, changed my life for her, after many arguments i see no will in her eyes to build a better relationship but rather win the argument. She hates my mom while I really like hers. We rarely have sex. Now no struggle on her side to get us help and keep it going.

[schlumpy]

I she won't participate then yes, your marriage is over. It's just a matter of time until your frustration will trigger the divorce on your part.

I agree that you can't solve this on your own. Both of you have fallen into a competitive pattern where it's more important to keep score as to who is winning, then settling any differences.

Will she respond to pressure? If you tell her it's counseling or divorce, will she respond to that? Even then it's a low percentage chance that you will get the outcome you require, but I assume you have stayed this long because you have an internal need to know that you tried everything you could to save the marriage.

 

[Flyer320]

Really, thank you for your reply. I need another opinion than mine.

You may be right about us being competitive, me included.

However, I dont want to ask to go to counselling. I sincerely believe it should be her asking as I think I have been carrying the load all this time. And no, she probably will call for lawyers before thinking of counselling. Thats the thing, even if we break up and its 5 years in the future, if I ask her why she didnt try counselling for us, she will say that she never thought of that. Well thats the main problem, I dont believe she thinks about any of this( being anything to make us right that puts her out of her comfort zone). 
 

Again, Schlumpy, thank you for your response. I need somebody to read this. To know what I’ve been going through.

[emprosnet7]

You have mentioned that her father passed away. That is a big deal and it might have triggered a deep depression in your wife. It is something that you can not fix and she probably needs therapy, but will she do it?

Mistreating you and your mother is something that you must not tolerate. I don't see how things can improve and  you are in a negativity spiral.

 

 

[Flyer320]

3 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

You have mentioned that her father passed away. That is a big deal and it might have triggered a deep depression in your wife. It is something that you can not fix and she probably needs therapy, but will she do it?

Mistreating you and your mother is something that you must not tolerate. I don't see how things can improve and  you are in a negativity spiral.

 

 

Yes, i believe she needed theraphy after that. 4 years after his passing we finally went to a therapist and in the first session, he told her that  “your husband is not your father”. We were not sleeping together then, as she would reject any sexual advanced I’ve made at her. That was the last time she saw a therapist.

To this day I’m %100 certain she hasnt gotten over the trauma of her father as she regularly cries after him. My parents are still alive so I cant compare to her pain, but it has been 5 years so shouldnt she be able to endure it? I may sound heartless, sorry. If my parents died so unexpectantly I dont know what I would do but in 5 years? I dont know man.. I am generally a less sensitive person than her, so I might be bias here.

And again, thank you for your response emprosnet7, even though it may seem unimportant to you, I am happy I can talk to somebody about this. Thank you, sincerely.

[DKT3]

It sounds like you never really wanted to be in a relationship with her.  Because of that, I'm kinda having a hard time seeing this situation through your eyes. Much like someone having an affair,  I believe you have altered the history of this relationship to ease your guilt of wanting out.  

Seeing things from your wifes perspective,  if I sense you're in a marriage that you don't want I'm guessing she does as well. 

Marriages fall apart because there is a lack of empathy for one another.  Resentment,  broken promises,  rejection all lead to the lack of empathy,   I'm reading a lot of those in your thread. 

I guess my question is why are you interested in "saving" the marriage?

[Flyer320]

4 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

It sounds like you never really wanted to be in a relationship with her.  Because of that, I'm kinda having a hard time seeing this situation through your eyes. Much like someone having an affair,  I believe you have altered the history of this relationship to ease your guilt of wanting out.  

Seeing things from your wifes perspective,  if I sense you're in a marriage that you don't want I'm guessing she does as well. 

Marriages fall apart because there is a lack of empathy for one another.  Resentment,  broken promises,  rejection all lead to the lack of empathy,   I'm reading a lot of those in your thread. 

I guess my question is why are you interested in "saving" the marriage?

Thats a great question that I have to keep asking myself. Why? In all honesty, I may have felt that I had to take care of her and her family as a father figure, hers being deceased. And after some time I have settled, like I didnt want to look around for new girls, it was another chapter of my life I didnt have to search for. I dont know man.

Thank you for your response my friend. Sincerely, I need this to keep my sanity.

Any advice would be much welcome

[DKT3]

2 hours ago, Flyer320 said:

Thats a great question that I have to keep asking myself. Why? In all honesty, I may have felt that I had to take care of her and her family as a father figure, hers being deceased. And after some time I have settled, like I didnt want to look around for new girls, it was another chapter of my life I didnt have to search for. I dont know man.

Thank you for your response my friend. Sincerely, I need this to keep my sanity.

Any advice would be much welcome

Its really something you should be able to answer,  if you can't,  then do your wife a favor and just end it, end it before you have children.  No sense in dragging it out. 

Getting married because it's the next logical step is the wrong reason.  You are both just entering or close to entering your 30's. Dont burn anymore years because you feel obligated to take care of her, she is an adult. 

[Flyer320]

24 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Its really something you should be able to answer,  if you can't,  then do your wife a favor and just end it, end it before you have children.  No sense in dragging it out. 

Getting married because it's the next logical step is the wrong reason.  You are both just entering or close to entering your 30's. Dont burn anymore years because you feel obligated to take care of her, she is an adult. 

You are right but it felt right at that time I am just saying.

I feel resentment towards her, no doubt. I have given her and her family all I can and when there is time to get my parents some new year gifts, she makes excuses. I know this isnt relevant but I feel it shows how much we care about our families, mine and hers are on different level. This is very important imo.