Husband and porn

[AT1]

First off, I want to mention that I grew up the victim of years of sexual abuse from my father. My husband is aware of this.

My husband and I have been together for a little over 10 years now. He's always had a thing for porn, which I've never been a fan of. I asked him to stop repeatedly in the early time, which obviously never happened. Then I tried to compromise and asked him to only use porn that didn't have "real people" in it (i.e. comic strips, stories, things like that). I've had a lot of self esteem issues due to getting hurt and not being able to do basic things like walk, which made gaining weight way too easy. When we got together, I was about 120 and now I'm up to 170. The scale has gone up and down due to various things, the most recent being having a stroke which caused me to not be allowed to work out and I gained all the weight back that I had previously lost again. I figure if he's not looking at "real women", then the porn will be easier on me.

When we got together, we had an amazing sex life, despite the porn. Now, he never even touches me, which absolutely doesn't help my self-esteem, or my hate for porn. He wants me to have my self-esteem and confidence back, but it's been extremely hard to do myself. He never tells me I'm pretty unless I ask, he doesn't bother looking at me when I'm trying to get his attention by dancing naked in whatever part of the house he's in, he doesn't seem interested at all. This absolutely doesn't help my self esteem or the porn thing.

I found an app on his phone called "dating my daughter" the other day and asked him about it yesterday. We're expecting to adopt a newborn girl when she's born later this year, which makes the incest thing REALLY hard for me, especially due to my past. I brought this up, and now he's upset that I even had the thought that he'd touch a child inappropriately. I've never had this thought before, but now I think I'm being extra cautious because I want to keep her from going through the things I went through as a child. I'm now in my 30s and I'm STILL seeing someone over the crap that happened to me and have been diagnosed with PTSD due to it.

SHOULD I be worried that he might do something? I've spoken to a close friend who's pretty much told me to run for it. But I don't want to toss 10 YEARS with someone over something that might not happen. However, if something DOES happen, and I didn't do what was needed to prevent it, it would hurt so much.

[elaine567]

"Dating my daughter" is not something I had heard of but I Googled it, and it is apparently what it says on the tin... It is an incest themed game.
RUN.

[rjc149]

37 minutes ago, AT1 said:

But I don't want to toss 10 YEARS with someone over something that might not happen. However, if something DOES happen, and I didn't do what was needed to prevent it, it would hurt so much.

The sunk cost fallacy is the notion that the money already invested into a failing business venture justifies the investment of more money into it, or "throwing good money after bad."

Spending 10 years with him doesn't justify staying with him if he's not only triggering your PTSD, but is also a potential threat to your child. The 10 years is a sunk cost that cannot be recouped by spending more years with him.

Some couples are at a fundamental disagreement over porn. For some it's porn period, for others it's the nature of the porn and the frequency of viewing it. Dictating to him which kinds of porn are kosher and which kinds are taboo isn't going to be effective. You're dating a guy who likes porn. When it's just him, the computer screen, and his ham rocket, he'll fap to whatever he pleases. It's all at his fingertips. 

The harsh reality is that, however legitimate your reasons, gaining a lot of weight is going to lower his sexual interest in you. Let me be clear, this a side concern to the main incest/pedophilia/abuse issue at play here, but it's not entirely fair to become sexually unappealing to your partner, while demanding that you be their only source of sexual gratification for the sake of your own self-esteem. I think a lot of people believe that being in a committed relationship gives them a pass for taking care of themselves. That's only going to lead to intimacy problems. 

[Els]

There's regular run of the mill porn... and then there's child porn. I'm "porn positive", but if I ever knew anyone who watched child porn (even if the "child" was illustrated and not real) I would cut and run.

[mark clemson]

My thought would be that if you think there's even a very small chance he would actually molest a child, then DON'T bring a child into the relationship, period, end of story.

Speaking for myself, if I thought my partner actually was, or had become, a pedophile, I would end the relationship and/or look for ways to have them brought to justice if they had actually acted upon it.

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

There's regular run of the mill porn... and then there's child porn. I'm "porn positive", but if I ever knew anyone who watched child porn (even if the "child" was illustrated and not real) I would cut and run.

The daughter in the game is 18 and the theme is supposedly "It is wrong but I cannot help myself..."
Does the OP wait till her adopted daughter is 18 to find "he cannot help himself..."

[AT1]

42 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

There's regular run of the mill porn... and then there's child porn. I'm "porn positive", but if I ever knew anyone who watched child porn (even if the "child" was illustrated and not real) I would cut and run.

It's not child porn as far as I can tell. I'd call the cops if I found a child on his phone like that. It does seem to be all "consenting adults".

He's so great with kids and it makes my heart melt seeing him with them and it's always hurt because we can't have our own child. I don't want to think he'd do it, but I can't get the thought out of my head.

[mark clemson]

19 minutes ago, AT1 said:

He's so great with kids and it makes my heart melt seeing him with them and it's always hurt because we can't have our own child.

Just HOW great is he? Is this the guy with no kids of his own coaching the little league or 5th grade soccer team type stuff, or ??

There are LOTS of "harmless fantasies" out there catering to male inclinations. I find it odd that he ended up picking this particular one at this particular time.

Edited June 29, 2020 by mark clemson

[AT1]

44 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Just HOW great is he? Is this the guy with no kids of his own coaching the little league or 5th grade soccer team type stuff, or ??

There are LOTS of "harmless fantasies" out there catering to male inclinations. I find it odd that he ended up picking this particular one at this particular time.

He's good at calming them, he's good at hanging out with them - video games, parks. We've had a good number of my smaller cousins come visit for a time (we're in 2 different states on opposite sides of the country) and none of them seemed off or like they didn't like him, including girls. The oldest one just turned 10, and I feel like I know how to spot a "weirdness" coming off a child that might have been touched, just because I have been in that position. We've known her her whole life and she absolutely loves him. 

As for picking this now versus years ago, I don't know if that's how it worked. I have no idea how long he's been looking at that stuff.

Edited June 29, 2020 by AT1

[mark clemson]

Fair enough. So IF he is a pedophile, he's fairly subtle about it. That's not an accusation and I guess one should give one's partner the benefit of a doubt generally. That said, if it were me, I'd still go by my thought above (if you think there's even a very small chance he would actually molest a child, then DON'T bring a child into the relationship). Some things are "better safe than sorry" IMO.

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, AT1 said:

now he's upset that I even had the thought that he'd touch a child inappropriately. I've never had this thought before, but now I think I'm being extra cautious because I want to keep her from going through the things I went through as a child.

SHOULD I be worried that he might do something? I've spoken to a close friend who's pretty much told me to run for it. But I don't want to toss 10 YEARS with someone over something that might not happen. However, if something DOES happen, and I didn't do what was needed to prevent it, it would hurt so much.

You REALLY think he would do that or is capable of doing that?  REALLY?  If so, how could you even be with someone like that?

[Atwood]

You are understandably concerned here. Men aren’t slaves to their sex drives so much so that they’ll cross boundaries like this, that’s a stereotype. A lot of men are principled, trustworthy and would never entertain fantasising about their own daughter, let alone seek out an app for it. I am confident that if my boyfriend came across an app like that he’d be disgusted and want to report it to the App Store. 

He’s upset with you? What for? He downloaded an incest app right before you’re about to adopt a child, and he’s upset that you’re connecting the dots? He has some serious explaining to do. 

I will say that, if you’re not a porn watcher then you may not realise, there’s been a pretty sharp upward trend in incest porn. I’m not sure why but it does concern me that it is normalising incest fantasies and this might be what’s happening. You need to emphasise the seriousness of what he has done. 
 

I’m so sorry you’ve discovered something so awful. 

Edited June 30, 2020 by Atwood

[SummerDreams]

I would advise you to leave him before even the part with the kids site was mentioned. Why do you want to be with a man who obviously doesn't care for you enough to help you with your insecurities and worries? The other day I had a migraine and I was in the kitchen, two rooms and two closed doors from my husband who was in his office working. I was trying to cut some onions and I was in such pain I started crying silently. Well, he appeared suddenly and started to comfort me. I asked him, did you hear me crying? And he said, no, I just felt you were not ok and I wanted to check on you. This is the kind of a husband a woman should have and not someone who just expects things to happen and doesn't care when his wife is sad or unhappy. This guy has some problems not only with porn (maybe porn is the smallest of his problems). I suggest, LEAVE HIM.

[elaine567]

11 hours ago, AT1 said:

He's good at calming them, he's good at hanging out with them - video games, parks. We've had a good number of my smaller cousins come visit for a time (we're in 2 different states on opposite sides of the country) and none of them seemed off or like they didn't like him, including girls. The oldest one just turned 10, and I feel like I know how to spot a "weirdness" coming off a child that might have been touched, just because I have been in that position. We've known her her whole life and she absolutely loves him. 

All great but with the context of "Dating my daughter" it all takes on a different slant unfortunately. 
Grooming? 

Quote

"Child grooming is befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, and sometimes the family, to lower the child's inhibitions with the objective of sexual abuse ..."

Many victims end up loving their abuser as they have been groomed by him.  

[regine_phalange]

This is really scary. I would NOT adopt a kid with him!

[Watercolors]

On 6/29/2020 at 12:54 PM, AT1 said:

SHOULD I be worried that he might do something? I've spoken to a close friend who's pretty much told me to run for it. But I don't want to toss 10 YEARS with someone over something that might not happen. However, if something DOES happen, and I didn't do what was needed to prevent it, it would hurt so much.

Your close friend's advice is 100%. It kind of sounds like you are making excuses for your husband's behavior. Pedophiles are very good at hiding their tracks. That app on your husband's phone is evidence of his pedophilia. Whether you can admit that to yourself or not. No normal, healthy adult would have an app on their phone like that unless they were doing something wrong. 

Look up "Richard Huckle." He was like your husband -- great around kids. No adults suspected him. He went on to molest children for YEARS. He was one of Britains most notorious pedophiles. He eventually got caught and went to prison, where he was murdered by another inmate. 

Edited June 30, 2020 by Watercolors

[Watercolors]

23 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Spending 10 years with him doesn't justify staying with him if he's not only triggering your PTSD, but is also a potential threat to your child. The 10 years is a sunk cost that cannot be recouped by spending more years with him.

 

Agreed. 

[pepperbird]

On 6/29/2020 at 3:50 PM, rjc149 said:

The sunk cost fallacy is the notion that the money already invested into a failing business venture justifies the investment of more money into it, or "throwing good money after bad."

Spending 10 years with him doesn't justify staying with him if he's not only triggering your PTSD, but is also a potential threat to your child. The 10 years is a sunk cost that cannot be recouped by spending more years with him.

Some couples are at a fundamental disagreement over porn. For some it's porn period, for others it's the nature of the porn and the frequency of viewing it. Dictating to him which kinds of porn are kosher and which kinds are taboo isn't going to be effective. You're dating a guy who likes porn. When it's just him, the computer screen, and his ham rocket, he'll fap to whatever he pleases. It's all at his fingertips. 

The harsh reality is that, however legitimate your reasons, gaining a lot of weight is going to lower his sexual interest in you. Let me be clear, this a side concern to the main incest/pedophilia/abuse issue at play here, but it's not entirely fair to become sexually unappealing to your partner, while demanding that you be their only source of sexual gratification for the sake of your own self-esteem. I think a lot of people believe that being in a committed relationship gives them a pass for taking care of themselves. That's only going to lead to intimacy problems. 

um, the "dating my daughter" goes beyond just porn.

[pepperbird]

On 6/29/2020 at 4:02 PM, Elswyth said:

There's regular run of the mill porn... and then there's child porn. I'm "porn positive", but if I ever knew anyone who watched child porn (even if the "child" was illustrated and not real) I would cut and run.

I would hope you'd report it to the police as well.

[pepperbird]

23 hours ago, AT1 said:

It's not child porn as far as I can tell. I'd call the cops if I found a child on his phone like that. It does seem to be all "consenting adults".

He's so great with kids and it makes my heart melt seeing him with them and it's always hurt because we can't have our own child. I don't want to think he'd do it, but I can't get the thought out of my head.

OP,

My only experience with sexual abuse in a family is from the other side. I'm the product of such abuse.
I reconnected with my bio mother, and she is still working through the aftermath all these years later ( I'm in my late 40's).
you might wonder why I am telling you this. I am because I still see the pain it caused her. She ended up with a husband who treated her really badly because she thought she couldn't do any better. It was also what she thought she deserved and since she was coming from a household of chaos and abuse, that's what she thought was normal. She also saw herself as being "bad" and so broken no one else would ever want her.

I would hate to think you're doing that same thing. There's a saying about water seeking its own level- are you staying with this guy because it's what you think you deserve or are you really happy with him? If you put the porn aside, does he treat you well? Is he kind, respectful and loving most of the time (everyone has bad days)?
Ask yourself if you would feel comfortable leaving a young girl or boy alone with him. If it gives you "the willies"( if you know what I mean) what does that tell you? Listen to your gut feelings- what are they telling you?

Edited June 30, 2020 by pepperbird

[SincereOnlineGuy]

23 hours ago, AT1 said:

He's good at calming them, he's good at hanging out with them - video games, parks. We've had a good number of my smaller cousins come visit for a time (we're in 2 different states on opposite sides of the country) and none of them seemed off or like they didn't like him, including girls. The oldest one just turned 10, and I feel like I know how to spot a "weirdness" coming off a child that might have been touched, just because I have been in that position. We've known her her whole life and she absolutely loves him. 

As for picking this now versus years ago, I don't know if that's how it worked. I have no idea how long he's been looking at that stuff.

I'm scared to take the usual cover-all stance about porn here, because your unique circumstances probably exempt you from it somehow (that I can't yet precisely figure out).

 

BUT...  I do have good vibes about your report here, with regard to him around actual underage people.

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

 Pedophiles are very good at hiding their tracks. That app on your husband's phone is evidence of his pedophilia. Whether you can admit that to yourself or not. No normal, healthy adult would have an app on their phone like that unless they were doing something wrong. 

Look up "Richard Huckle." He was like your husband -- great around kids. No adults suspected him. He went on to molest children for YEARS. He was one of Britains most notorious pedophiles. He eventually got caught and went to prison, where he was murdered by another inmate. 

That is absolutely absurd.

 

There has been zero hint of a pedophile in this whole thread.   What in the world are you people thinking?

 

The images of the supposed "daughter" on the app are of a daughter  who is completely STACKED.  And of someone who is described as being "18", for heaven's sake.

 

Thus you'd have to be braindead to perceive "prepubescent children"  in the images there.

 

I don't know how this particular big picture will or should play-out for the OP...  but if you're not willing to consider the actual factors she offers, and not complete, made-up absurdity, then it is pointless to respond to this thread.

 

If you want to perceive  "incest"...  then OK, the thing is ostensibly connected to incest, but NOT "pedophilia".

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Y Pedophiles are very good at hiding their tracks. That app on your husband's phone is evidence of his pedophilia. 

This is absolutely ridiculous.  There is not enough evidence to jump to this conclusion.

[Watercolors]

No one "normal" has that kind of app on their phone unless they are already involved in grooming young people. It's not ridiculous to think he's probably grooming her young underage cousins or other underage children. He has an app on his phone that spells that out, practically. So, it is being realistic.

You think he's going to admit to her that he's grooming her underage cousins and show her his pedophilia files online, probably on the dark web? No, he's not. He is not a guy with a normal porn problem. If the OP showed that app to her relatives whose children he's around, they would FLIP OUT on the OP's husband. 

I'm not saying he for sure is a pedophile, but porn is a dark path that most pedophiles access. So, I'm not being ridiculous. Who needs evidence. There's plenty of reason to believe he could possibly be a pedophile. 

[Fresh_Start]

On 6/29/2020 at 2:11 PM, elaine567 said:

"Dating my daughter" is not something I had heard of but I Googled it, and it is apparently what it says on the tin... It is an incest themed game.

Did you really have to Google it to figure that out? 

Incestuous pedophiles don't make very good fathers, OP.  Time to head for the nearest exit.