Live-In BF - communication probs & verbal nightmares

[jiminycricket9]

I need insight. My boyfriend and I do not communicate at all. Worse more his perceptions of me are negative and unfair and well to sum it up I read a post today here on loveshack that painfully describes our rapport. It's this one:

 

Ok, so here I am. Been married for 6 years, together for 7.

 

My husband has Bipolar Disorder. For the majority of our marriage, he's been verbally abusive. He's never been physical to me, but he has thrown things, broken things, put holes in walls and broke his own hand hitting a wall once.

 

I love him, but have come to really dislike him. He finds fault with me all the time. And constantly turns things around on me, so it's my fault he's angry and I'm a b----- to him and make sarcastic and snide comments to him all the time.

 

I admit I do make comments sometimes that can come across snappy and snide, but I grew up with a parent who did that and so I've learned it and have done it all my life. Not an excuse, but changing it and stopping it are hard, especially when I don't recognize I'm doing it. I find myself constantly questioning everything I say. And when he comes back at me, accusing me of being sarcastic/snide, I go over it in my head and wonder truly, how a simple statement or question could be construed as sarcastic or snide. Simply saying, we have light bulbs, ya know. Is that sarcastic? Or Are you gonna fix the meat or shall I? Is that? If so, than I do have a problem and I don't recognize it. I'm willing to get help.

 

But I think he takes things the wrong way A LOT. And when he doesn't take his meds regularly, he has issues with everything. I mean EVERY THING. He's grumpy, snippy, impatient, bitchy, moody, you name it....and he doesn't handle it well at all. More times than not, he's raised his voice at me and the kids over something as trivial as spilled milk. Literally.

 

He calls me names all the time and makes me feel like I'm a bad mom, a bad wife and basically a bad person. How come my entire life, up until him, no one EVER had a problem with these issues? Granted I didn't live with any of my boyfriends. But how come none of my numerous room mates never said anything about my approach being so rude? If it's true.

 

So now I have been going back and forth with my husband, who is saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he knows I won't change, he wants a divorce and nothing will change so why try. And I like the idea of being free of his crap, but I still love him and don't want a divorce. I just wish he could get a handle on his behaviors and stop berating and criticizing me all the time. I wish he would be nicer to me and treat me with respect and stop harping on me to think, feel, act and behave how he wants me to. And I know he wants me to stop making comments.

 

So what do I do? Am I truly at fault here? Am I to blame? I'll take it, and I'll go to counseling to fix it. I just don't think it's fair that it's all on me.

 

My boyfriend hasn't worked for almost a year now. I have been working my ass off to climb up a ladder, I deal with alot of stress, and in the beginning I thought he and I were BOTH ambitious. It's becoming apparent that he is chronically umemployed with no shame or remorse and yet he dredges up things I have done in the past or things I do now and uses them against me to attack me, to use as leverage that his arguments are all right and he has of late even started insisting that no man will ever want a girl like me because I am not subservient. He complains and yet I know I am loving and a decent "catch" in his life. I work my ass off and make sure he has money for his medicine and to keep his bank account open and that there's food he likes to eat and God, the list goes on. All I do is think about ways he'll be happy. Is about pleasing him. And more and more my needs are being either ignored or he is trying to change me from needing things and flat out refuses to deliver things that I need emotionally or communicatively or materially-you name it.

 

He is a type 1 diabetic. He has Hep C. and he's never been emotionally one hundred percent but he isn't bipolar like the fellow in the quoted post.

 

I know most would say dump him. But I want to know first. Can this be fixed? Can we salvage our relationship or do I have to start all over again. Once we were good friends. Such good friends. And I've known him for 25 years. We practically grew up together.

 

I'm hurting deeply and feel right now like I can't take anymore and I don't want to just do the typically co-dependant forgive and forget.

[Outcast]

Get him to go to a marriage counselor. If he won't go, go by yourself. It would take a lot more detain than your posts to determine whether it would be fixable or not. A counselor should be able to tell you. If you don't have a lot of money, go to your church or call your social services and ask for a referral to a free counselor or clinic.

[Art_Critic]

Knowing someone for 25 years alone says you should try and salvage the relationship..

 

Do as Outcast suggested and get into counseling..

 

He sounds to me that he is depressed and takes out his lack of self esteem on you.

[jiminycricket9]

Outcast and Art Critic, thanks so much.

 

I do want to go to counseling but in the past year when I say we need it he makes it clear he won't go, and we have limited options in that realm, financially for now. Does it mean that me hoping we can re-learn to get along and communicate without counseling is not a feasible hope ?

 

Last night it got even worse too. He wants to break-up. From what I understand he says in the 3 years he's been with me his life has fallen apart. Why does he blame me for all of the negatives. It isn't true!! And it hurts so much to be on the receiving end of all his blame and angst and resentment when so much other stuff has happened to him

 

When we got together he was separating and divorcing from his ex wife. she did alot of damage to his credit when they were married, and promised to pay most of it off as part of the settlement but she hasn't. now he is re-financing and in debt to the tune of $45,000.00. Anyway, as he and I have been together he has done nothing but hide and ignore and run away. He pretends he wants a career back but has often got called for interviews and then skips them while saying it's my fault he skipped it because I upset him too much.

 

All that while I have been working on building and trying to cultivate a real relationship that will grow. It hurts so much that I failed at earning his appreciation. I thought we were soul mates when this all started, and I too thought 25 years of friendship was something special. He insists it's nothing whenever he gets a chance. His mind games and our rapport such as in the quote I included are rampant and so internalized in his brain it rips my heart out to think abt it. I feel like a fool.

 

Anyway, now I am just venting because I hurt so much. Even if we got over this hump I just want to find some health in this relationship. I no longer want dysfunctional bs in every relationship I have and I am so confused because I think alot of it is me attracting it even when my concious mind is saying "this time pick a healthy one"