My Grief is Complicated

[vla1120]

I have not posted for awhile, but the history of my 5.5 year defunct 2nd marriage to a man with terminal cancer is out here in my posts. I had left him (for the second time) in June of 2018. I was still involved with him because he had no one but me. When the COVID lockdown started in March (even before then, actually), I was staying with him 24x7. He went into home hospice care in mid-April and passed away on June 13th.  

His last few weeks in hospice care were absolute hell for him. I’m not sure whether the cancer had moved to his brain, but he started displaying combative and delirious behavior, not knowing where he was, who I was, etc. it was heart-wrenching to watch. On the evening of June 13th, I could see his breathing had changed. I put on his favorite music, held his hand, and told him it was okay to let go. By 10:30pm, he had taken his last breath.

I took a fair amount of criticism from some people out here who could not understand why I kept going back, why I stayed involved. I am glad I followed through on my promise to be at his side at the end so he would not be alone. As difficult as it was over the years,  to be there at the end, holding his hand and comforting him while he passed on was the most spiritual experience I’ve ever had and it has changed me. 

Some of my friends and family (who knew him) do not understand why I am grieving and think I should be relieved that it is over. Honestly, I am not sure what I am feeling. A loss of life, regardless of the relationship history, is still sad. I am sad for his son, with whom he did not have a relationship, but with whom I have developed a close relationship, especially since his father’s passing. When he passed, I called his son. His son came and sat with me until hospice came to pronounce him, and then until the funeral home came to pick him up.  The discussion we had during that 5-6 hours was very enlightening for both of us. 
 

Now I am just rambling. I wanted to share my experience with those of you who have followed my story for the past 6 years. 

[NuevoYorko]

Wow, you have been through a tremendous amount.  I haven't read any of your prior posts.  To me it seems completely natural that you would be feeling grief and that it's going to take you time and a lot of processing to go through it.  I hope that you are able to take good care of yourself and that you have a lot of support.

[preraph]

Well I guess that's the end of a journey. I understand why you would be there. I'm just sorry there has been so much strife in your life and I hope this is the beginning of a more peaceful era for you because you certainly deserve it. Hugs.💔

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

Well I guess that's the end of a journey. I understand why you would be there. I'm just sorry there has been so much strife in your life and I hope this is the beginning of a more peaceful era for you because you certainly deserve it. Hugs.💔

Oh. I intend to take this time (now and forever) to take care of ME. My kids are grown. I have no desire nor intent to get involved with anyone else ever again. This is ME time, now. 
 

Thank you @NuevoYorko and @preraph!!

[Haydn]

You are a warm and caring human, your grief is because you are that. 

I hope you now push on to find the happiness you deserve.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry for your loss.  I'm glad that you were able to be there for him in the end.  The world needs more compassionate people. 

As you said, now it's time to focus on yourself.  

[FMW]

Our feelings are all our own and no one else has to understand or approve of them.  Don't worry that your friends don't understand, just follow your own counsel and take all the time you need to work through the grief.

I think you will be blessed (or have good karma or whatever spiritual belief you have) for being there to support him through the very end.  You can be at peace with your decisions.  

Edited June 30, 2020 by FMW