MSB4me Posted October 10, 2005 Share Posted October 10, 2005 Hello there. This is a bit of a long story but I am in desperate need of some good advice. My husband and I are in an interracial marriage, I am from Afghanistan and he is African American. We have been married for 8 years and have had many struggles and issues in our marriage and still do. We also have two little girls. Heres the problem: I let my brother in law come and live with us maybe 4 years ago, when he was 16. He stayed with us for about 4 months and went back to SC, where my husbands family is from. Keep in mind I do not get along with my mother in law at all. As I have said, my husband and I have many problems in our marriage, which we are willing to work on. Now my brother in law is 20 years old and constantly in trouble with the law. He has no high school diploma. 4 years ago when he left, I promised both him and my husband that he can always come back as long as he is making the right decisions in life, and as long as he gets his high school diploma. Now my mother in law is CONSTANTLY calling my husband and asking him why he cannot live with us, when can he come...things of that nature. She even told my husband that he is a very careless brother. This puts my husband in a very bad state of mind. He already has one brother in jail and he doesnt want to see this one incarcerated too. Keep in mind also that both my husbands parents are alive. And that we have two small kids, and my husband has a third child also. His brother has no license, cannot pass a drug test, etc. I dont know how to tell my husband without offending him that I am a strong believer of not helping those who are capable of helping themselves. But I also dont want to be the one who puts regrets in my husbands head. And if anything ever happens to his brother I will truly feel guilty for not letting him live with us. I am torn! Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted October 10, 2005 Share Posted October 10, 2005 The primary relationship in any constructive marriage is with the spouse. Even the kids are secondary, but they're certainly more important than any in-laws. The last thing a household with young children needs is a drug-addled brother-in-law. Now, the old Republican line of "not helping those who are capable of helping themselves" may sound good in a speech or at a gathering of conservatives, but reality is quite a bit different. So, instead of using that approach - which will only get his back up - find alternatives. I don't know where you live, but in my community there are job-finding clubs and other social agencies that work with people in exactly the same boat as your brother in law. Gather as much information as you can to offer as reasonable alternatives to the brother-in-law's situation. Then you and your husband together work on a plan to help the brother-in-law get on his feet, hopefully with the help of the extended family, even your mother-in-law. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MSB4me Posted October 11, 2005 Author Share Posted October 11, 2005 By "not helping those who are capable of helping themselves" I meant not helping someone who is able to, but chooses not to. There are so many people who have the ability but make wrong decisions knowingly. And that would be him. We have shown him the way, how to find a job here in VA, a place, etc. But my mother in law tells my husband that he is in fact neglecting his "little" brother. This is so frustrating. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
xXSURFAGEXx Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Yo,tell him that.it's for his brother's good. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Yo,tell him that.it's for his brother's good. Exactly. Tell him that he'll only cripple his brother if he always babies him. This is a case for 'tough love' - making someone stand on his own two feet. Doesn't mean you don't support him but not as a crutch. Link to post Share on other sites
Maria46 Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 If you get to a point where you "have" to bring him to your home, set up the rules and let him know before hand. Whatever rules you would set up for your children , he needs to follow the same ones plus a few more maybe. He should not disrupt your household or burden you in any way. He should not expect you to wait on him hand and foot. He should not expect you to pay for his food or transportation. 1 You must not break the law and have police come to the house looking for you 2 You must have a job 3 You must submit and pass a random (whenyou think he is under the influence) drug test monthly...?? and pay for test. 4 You will be home by ?? nightly 5 You will pay rent and pay for food 6 You will not bring girlfriends to sleep at the house or have them in your bedroom 7 If you decide to stay out all night, you must phone and let you know 8. If he did not get his diploma, he must work on GED I had to do the "rule" thing with my 25 year old step daughter who was just a tramp. No drinking and on and on it went. She actually got her act together until I told her what a great job she was doing and removed the rules, which was a big mistake. She made up for lost time. The examples above were just a few things that popped into my head. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I would not want someone in my home showing disrespect to me or my family. He would need to be given the "rules" and consequences for breaking the "rules"before he moved into the house. You and your husband need to discuss and agree on the rules and consequences and follow thru. Your brother in law will probably think twice about wanting to come. Aslo your mother in law should be using some rules of her own. He is 20 years old, for goodness sake. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Seriously, am I the only one wondering why in the hell her husband is expected to raise and care for his brother when the parents who raised and created this hoodlum are around? Link to post Share on other sites
HotCaliGirl Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 Actually, it sounds like he is currently not capable of helping himself. I think the rules are a great idea. The parents have done a bad job raising their boys and are no longer willing to (which might be a good thing) so you might really want to consider giving him a chance and if he doesn't follow your rules then you will know that you at least tried which is what family is there to do, instead of it possibly haunting you and troubling your husband in the future, especially if he stays where he is and ends up going to jail at which time even though it seems unfair, both the parents and your husband might blame and resent you for not wanting to take him in. On the other hand, if you really don't want him in your house, then you have to have a serious talk with your husband - how does he feel about it? Link to post Share on other sites
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