James39 Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 Dated a girl in her 30s (I’m in my 30s too) for just over 4 1/2 years. A good relationship, good friends, did nice things, kind, respectful, no cheating ( I’m sure of that). Broke up a week ago and she’s met someone else and I understand they are sleeping together already. Her friend says she met him on line and she did all the running and has been going over to his place. How can she move on so quickly? I feel very hurt and wonder if I really knew her. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 Fastest way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else. You don't know if he's a rebound or he was waiting in the wings before the break up. If she initiated the break up she was emotionally done with you long before she pulled the trigged & clued you in. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Giovane Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 12 minutes ago, James39 said: How can she move on so quickly? Who ended it, was it her or was it you? Was it mutual, was it peaceful, or was there a fight? Maybe if she felt hurt, this is just her trying to make herself feel better in a hurry. And maybe it isn't. Whatever it is, I think the sooner you manage to concentrate on your own present and future (instead of your past), the better it will be for you. (But I know this is hard.) Link to post Share on other sites
Daniel88Marsden Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 Maybe she was detached for while. that can make someone move fast Link to post Share on other sites
Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 She probably checked out emotionally from the relationship a while before but just didn't have the decency or guts to tell you. If this is a rebound for her, it probably won't last. I know it hurts, but her actions tell you something about the type of woman that she is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author James39 Posted June 30, 2020 Author Share Posted June 30, 2020 It was a mutual separation. I had been ill for awhile and she wasn’t very supportive. She deffo did not know this new guy before last week - so I’m guessing it’s a rebound. As some have said I’m learning what she’s really like. She did quite a few one nightstands before we met but she was as good as gold when we were together. I think she hates being single. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 1 hour ago, James39 said: She deffo did not know this new guy before last week - so I’m guessing it’s a rebound. ..... Well.... you really don't know that. It's not like she will come out as say.... "Hey... I'm dating someone else, so I'm going to break up with you." I'm not saying it's a full "Cheating" situation... but while you were sick... she was probably already pulling away. (That's why she wasn't supportive) And, she may have already been looking... and talking to this guy on-line. Anyway... I'm sorry for what you are going though, and any answer or explanation really won't help... but it's what some people do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 She either had it 'in motion' (ie. already talking to him at least) before breaking up or was already emotionally way more over it than you thought and then slept with the first guy she dated. One of those is true. What is also true is that it shouldn't matter to you. It is irrelevant and won't help you heal. It no longer matters what she does and does not affect your 'worth' in any way. If anything it is a reflection on her. Try to quit thinking about her. Who/when/what she dates no longer matters. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 (edited) When it's the woman who does the breaking up, they usually are well over you by the time they get up the nerve to do it. So she's already ready to move on. Doesn't mean she never cared. Just means she hasn't cared recently and was ready and won't be coming back. Edited June 30, 2020 by preraph 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 She moved on a long time ago. Now she simply has the green light to act on it. Women can more easily get into rebounds, since they typically have a few suitors and orbiters at all times. If they are needy and insecure, they are often grooming replacements as additional sources of validation throughout the relationship ie. having flirtatious "friendships" with other men etc. Since insecure women dread being single and equate it with being alone and unwanted, they are adept at creating hedges against that risk. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 Women are practical, before you are gone, they first have to line up your replacement... Yes, she was speaking to other men romantically while you two were together, yes this was all planned, yes your needs/situation are an after thought at best, yes, if you allow yourself to be disposable then disposable you will be, welcome to the dating game. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 Women emotionally broke up/checked out with you a long time before they officially make a verbal announcement about it. That's just how female psychology works. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 Let her do what she wants. Her behavior is evidence that this is not the type of person you want to be with. I know it's hard, but you don't want to take her running into the sack with another guy as a sign that she really likes this other person more than you. She's got problems, and this is a time to really think--to really go back and put a laser to the cobweb interfering with you seeing her clearly and to really see her clearly. I guarantee you that how she's acting now (forget cheating) was reflected very much in how she was with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 8 hours ago, James39 said: Dated a girl in her 30s (I’m in my 30s too) for just over 4 1/2 years. A good relationship, good friends, did nice things, kind, respectful, no cheating ( I’m sure of that). Broke up a week ago and she’s met someone else and I understand they are sleeping together already. Her friend says she met him on line and she did all the running and has been going over to his place. How can she move on so quickly? I feel very hurt and wonder if I really knew her. It only seems quickly to you, but neither you nor her friend know how long she's been chasing this guy... the whole time it looked like your relationship was crashing, she was grooming him to take your place. And from now on, understand that her friend is just that--her friend. She's not your friend. Her loyalty isn't with you... probably isn't with her friend either since she's blabbing all her business behind her back. In fact, this friend might be trying to pop her friend out of your life in order to take her place because she's been jealous of your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
primer Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 I am sorry you are going through this. It sucks. She must be a weak person that cannot be alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 Everyone handles breakups differently. Some people go into a depression and don't date again for a long time, and some people deal with it by having rebound flings and jumping back into dating. It doesn't necessarily mean that she's totally over you or never cared about you. In any case, don't worry so much about what she is doing. Move on. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 30, 2020 Share Posted June 30, 2020 Yeah she was already gone by the time you broke up. If she was as you described her but at the end wasn't supportive during your illness she was gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostandhurt91 Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 (edited) Mate this is crazy....this is exactly what I'm going through right now 4 years together.....took a week break beginning of July as we were arguing quite a bit. But all during the break she was begging and pleading to sort things out Half way through the break she says just come and get your stuff, so I do but we get talking and decide to give it another go, we sleep together and for the next 2 weeks she's saying tell all your friends and family we are back together, let's plan dates etc We get to Thursday 23rd July and we are still saying let's have a fresh start, I say her heads a mess as she's so up and down and say take some weeks to sort you head then we'll talk. I turn up at her house on the Sunday with flowers to surprise her, and she's sat there drinking wine with some new bloke......she refuses to admit she's done anything wrong at all as she was technically "single" at that point They have now put their relationship on facebook, and say it started 24th July....literally 12hours after we were talking about a fresh start. She won't acknowledge there was clearly a big overlap I've been played like a kipper and that's what hurts, she had lots of chances to walk away with her head held high, yet chose to keep stringing me along til her new relationship was ready. And that's what hurts I get exactly how you feel.....I start to wonder if I even knew her at all, the times where we fell out but she said she loved me etc...how could that be true? Was it just as no one else was available at the time. Man it sucks so much...how can someone just literally not care or even acknowledge they've done anything wrong Edited August 4, 2020 by Lostandhurt91 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 8 minutes ago, Lostandhurt91 said: We get to Thursday 23rd July and we are still saying let's have a fresh start, I say her heads a mess as she's so up and down and say take some weeks to sort you head then we'll talk You effectively let her go. That was the minute she thought "What is really the point?" She had a guy in waiting so she went "Stuff it" and accepted him. You can't take "breaks" and tell a woman to take a few weeks to sort her head out. They take that as you don't care and if there is someone else around more interested and willing, then they move on, which is exactly what she did. If you don't care or want to get rid of a person then by all means take a break, but there is always a risk of losing that person, so never do that to someone you don't want to lose. A "break" is a bad way of sorting out problems, best to sit down and discuss. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 Very often people are checked out long before the actual breakup. Usually after some unresolved chronic arguing and emotional disconnect. During that time they are already thinking about a life with someone else. Often they start talking to and noticing others. While the breakup may seem like the end, the end was a long time ago. The breakup itself is the last, not the first, step in that process. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostandhurt91 Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 43 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You effectively let her go. That was the minute she thought "What is really the point?" She had a guy in waiting so she went "Stuff it" and accepted him. You can't take "breaks" and tell a woman to take a few weeks to sort her head out. They take that as you don't care and if there is someone else around more interested and willing, then they move on, which is exactly what she did. If you don't care or want to get rid of a person then by all means take a break, but there is always a risk of losing that person, so never do that to someone you don't want to lose. A "break" is a bad way of sorting out problems, best to sit down and discuss. Sorry, maybe I missed some details. While still saying she wanted a fresh start etc, she was still chopping and changing hour by hour for those 2 days, One min she wanted it, one min she didn't she also said she had a a lot of personal issues going on. It was clear her head was a mess and if I let it carry on like that, it would just destroy me as I couldn't make sense of her from one hour to the next. There was also what I see as clear guilt texts "sorry, I never meant to hurt you at all, my head is just a mess" "We should go and enjoy the single life for now without all this stress and talk in a few week" Even though overall, she was talking about fresh starts, there was still odd behaviour, the week before she came to my house for what was meant to be for an evening but left after an hour saying too many bad memories. Looking back, it's clear all the chopping and changing, the odd evermore distance behaviour was because she was growing closer him, felt less attached to me and felt strong guilt whenever talking to me. I just wish she could have cut things earlier when she had the chance. Not talked about living the single life and talking in a few weeks only few hours after fresh start. It was clear even then "we'll talk in a few weeks" meant I'll see how my new relationship works out, if it doesn't I'll come back to you like nothing has happened. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 5, 2020 Share Posted August 5, 2020 Breakups, and what leads up to it, is a very emotional time. I know a few that met someone right away and were married in 6 months. People get a little cray cray. But one things for sure most are thirsty, and starving, that they will order anything off the menu. Just knowing they are desired by someone else will make them hop on for the ride. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 5, 2020 Share Posted August 5, 2020 On 8/4/2020 at 9:26 AM, Lostandhurt91 said: It was clear even then "we'll talk in a few weeks" meant I'll see how my new relationship works out, if it doesn't I'll come back to you like nothing has happened. You got it! And that makes you a placeholder until the next guy comes along. Link to post Share on other sites
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