how do you deal with self righteous relatives -very argumentative

[joel]

How do you deal with extremely argumentative family relatives. im 40 btw

got a family member who spilling lecturing me on their so called motivational talk about to work harder, and go up in company and i should go make more money and more money. when i told her that it isnt always aboout working hard but knowing the right people, social intetelligence, charisma, mental power, having the drive and being on your grind helps a lot too . Its a combo of a lot of things. 

She argues and thinks its all about working hard and thats it. MInd your she aint successful at all. Told her im listening social influencer on youtube who have social proof and recceipts to prove it. She argues that it wont work for you since everyone is different. blah blah

i then tell her story aboout micheal jordan bulls how he wouldnt be able to do it all along. he had a lot help
She then says i dont care about other people. 

seems like she likes arguing and when she runs out of gas then says i dont care. 

This is just an example but there are multiple cases and stories i can tell you. She just loves to argue and be self righteous attitude. When you give back you comments she shuts it down and says ok conversation is over. She a big instigator for arguments . 

any suggesions? is this a form of gas lighting

[d0nnivain]

It's not gaslighting which is affirmatively trying to make you crazy by telling you black is white & up is down  This is more selfish egomania.  It never dawned on her that she could be wrong or that somebody didn't want her unsolicited advice. 

I have people like this in my family.  I limit the time I spend with them.  I control my own alcohol intake around them so I don't have the liquid courage & lack of a filter to tell them where to get off.  I try changing the subject.  When that fails, I just stand there & let my mind drift while they are babbling. I simply don't listen but occasionally nod or murmur so they think I'm listening.   There is no reasoning with folks like this.  They are convinced they're right & the facts are not going to get in the way of their belief.  

[ShyViolet]

If a family member pisses me off, I just don't keep them in my life.  I spend less and less time around them, or cut them out completely depending on the severity of the situation.  It's pretty simple.  You are not obligated to have someone in your life just because they are a family member.  If you feel that they disrespect you and make you unhappy, you have every right to stop being around them.

[basil67]

I avoid them these people when I can.   And I don't always have the self control which d0nni speaks of with avoiding liquid courage, so in your situation, I'd be likely to list all her short comings and tell her to hold her tongue until she's outrageously successful in all facets of her life.

[spiderowl]

Some people are just like this, seeking out 'discussions' when really what they want is to forcibly impose their views.  I am not sure why, except that it appears to be an attempt to control and possibly stems from frustration with life in general.

Why bother engaging with her, if she's like this?  You don't have to talk to people who are provocative and trying to start arguments.  She has no right to tell you how you should live your life, unless of course what you are doing is directly affecting her, i.e. she is living with you and paying the bills or something.

Some people just cannot accept that there are 'many ways to skin a cat' - no I don't like that saying either!  If we all did the same things in exactly the same way, society would be poorer for it.  We need gentle people who take a peaceful route and we need people who are more dynamic.  We need artists and we need scientists.  We need people of all races to bring their genetic strengths, experience and traditions to the human race as a whole.  Your family member has a very restricted view.

 

Edited July 17, 2020 by spiderowl

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

People who have opinions and feel the need to share them, great, anything further than that and you need to set some boundaries... The thing is, some people do not respect boundaries or dont sit well with them being put in place, so they lash out, its amazing sometimes to see the 180 people will do.

In situations where you know somebody is going to do a 180, I have always found its best to let the audience just experience the moment... If you know an issue is going to happen, do not necessarily force it, but let the person run their mouth and dig their own hole, everyone else is aware of what is being said.

As a 40 year old man, you are probably the closest thing to an Alpha Male in your household and you have to understand, an Alpha Male is somebody who comforts, not somebody who confronts... Do not confront your family member, but rather take any person negatively impacted aside and console them. 

Once people see what type of person they are, they may think twice of inviting them again in the future, this is really all you can do in family matters.

[LuckyM]

She is a know it all with you maybe not with others. It is control and power over you. Is there a kernel of truth to her? Usually there is.  You cannot change her habit. She is not trying to drive you crazy. You can tell her that money is not as important to you. (Money becomes very important as years go by you'll find out)  try changing the subject. Don't get angry. Maybe disarm her with a compliment

[Pastypop]

Avoid her as much as possible!  After we had kids, my husband’s family was always meddling in my marriage and how I parented my children.  It got to the point that I completely cut them off.  They are no longer allowed to have any contact with my children and haven’t in years. However; that was 13 year process. I grinned and barred the abuse for way longer than that but it finally got to point that it could no longer work.  They were about to cause the end of my marriage.  I’m a career temp worker and probably will be for the rest of my career so, I couldn’t have that.  Geez, a girl has to have health insurance. 

[Dork Vader]

As soon as that behavior starts just walk away. The biggest key to dealing with people who have poor behavior is learning to just walk away. 

If she keeps bringing up topics that are inapproriate for family events/functions. Then just flat out tell her, we are here to celebrate  (insert what ever it is), not have a career building motivational speech. The last thing I want to talk about right now is my career and work. She'll get the hint real quick.

[Wiseman2]

Do you still live with your mother?

If so, move out.