Lovestruck8992 Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 I need some advice!!! we were “together” for 4-5 months from the get go she said she has commitment issues and doesn’t know what she wants. We hit it off though.. I fell hard for her and she seemed to have as well but then BAM one day it turned and she pushed me away got super distant and told me she didn’t want to hurt me. found out it freaked her out, things moved a little too fast and got too real. she told me she didn’t know what she wanted but didn’t want to not have me in her life, but we wanted different things, and she didn’t want a relationship, so I finally gave up and said “fine I’ll let you push me away then” I told her I “couldn’t just be open-pals with her just like that” and I went NC took her off everything blocked her because I didn’t want to be that guy to creep on her socials 24/7 and obsess. 1.5 months go by and we work together today.... and it’s s***... I’m being cold as I can, she’s somewhat cold but trying to chit chat on occasion.. I tell her as we leave that I don’t think I’m gonna stay, it’s too tough still and I thought it would be easier. But it’s hurting me because all I want to do is hug and kiss her still and that’s not good for me. turns out she’s f***ing furious that I “ghosted” her and told her I don’t wanna be “pen-pals”.. like really mad! She told me she doesn’t want me to leave she wants me to stay there. Almost started to cry and walked away because she couldn’t have this convo at work. what the hell is going on here I thought I did the right thing and now I’m finding out I f***ed it all up? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 Too little context to make an accurate guess at what is really going on so, I suggest you protect yourself as you have been doing, until you find out the truth or she comes clean. It seems odd that she turns on the waterfall because you won't be pen pals when she was the one who forced the situation. I think she expected things to go her way. If I were to make a guess, I think she likes you a lot and sees a potential future with you except she is not willing to give up the single life just yet. So she's trying fix you in place until she gets tired of enjoying her singleness. Once that need is sated she will then turn on the afterburners, catch up with you, and be the best significant other that anyone in the world could want. It will be the happiest day in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, Lovestruck8992 said: from the get go she said she has commitment issues turns out she’s f***ing furious that I “ghosted” her and told her I don’t wanna be “pen-pals”.. like really mad! She told me she doesn’t want me to leave she wants me to stay there. Almost started to cry and walked away because she couldn’t have this convo at work. And she can be mad til times get better. You have every right not to be one of her collectables. She's mad because you won't let her manipulation have its way with you. What she wants is irrelevant, considering she didn't want a relationship. You didn't ghost her--you told her exactly what you were doing and you made sure she couldn't violate your boundaries with her selfishness. She needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend or male attention. Quote I thought I did the right thing and now I’m finding out I f***ed it all up? No, you did the right thing. She's being manipulative and selfish. Edited July 1, 2020 by kendahke 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 This is just a guess but you may have mild limerence for her (which is apparently sometimes intensified by dysfunctional and/or "just out of reach" situations) or some sort of "neediness" brought on by the hot/cold nature of what happened. In a work situation, a jilted lover who you are still strongly interested and emotionally invested in is generally one of the last things one wants hanging around. My belief is that for most people the wise move would be to fully detach from this. If one can safely and reasonably get a new job (perhaps even a better one?), that would be something to consider. Might be a tall order during COVID though, dunno. At any rate, generally I think moving on ASAP is probably the best thing. I suspect a person could feel quite conflicted about this, but it's almost certainly for the best if the relationship is "unstable" and especially if the partner does not appear particularly trustworthy. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 (edited) She’s throwing a hissy fit because her ego is bruised that you don’t want to be in her orbit. Let her be pissed off, and don’t make the mistake of assuming it’s because she still has romantic feelings for you. That’s not what her attitude is about. Edited July 1, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovestruck8992 Posted July 1, 2020 Author Share Posted July 1, 2020 10 hours ago, schlumpy said: Too little context to make an accurate guess at what is really going on so, I suggest you protect yourself as you have been doing, until you find out the truth or she comes clean. It seems odd that she turns on the waterfall because you won't be pen pals when she was the one who forced the situation. I think she expected things to go her way. If I were to make a guess, I think she likes you a lot and sees a potential future with you except she is not willing to give up the single life just yet. So she's trying fix you in place until she gets tired of enjoying her singleness. Once that need is sated she will then turn on the afterburners, catch up with you, and be the best significant other that anyone in the world could want. It will be the happiest day in your life. I’m not sure what to make of it, she says she’s not ready for anything serious but she throws me curveballs like that. what other into would you like to know about our situation ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovestruck8992 Posted July 1, 2020 Author Share Posted July 1, 2020 5 hours ago, mark clemson said: This is just a guess but you may have mild limerence for her (which is apparently sometimes intensified by dysfunctional and/or "just out of reach" situations) or some sort of "neediness" brought on by the hot/cold nature of what happened. In a work situation, a jilted lover who you are still strongly interested and emotionally invested in is generally one of the last things one wants hanging around. My belief is that for most people the wise move would be to fully detach from this. If one can safely and reasonably get a new job (perhaps even a better one?), that would be something to consider. Might be a tall order during COVID though, dunno. At any rate, generally I think moving on ASAP is probably the best thing. I suspect a person could feel quite conflicted about this, but it's almost certainly for the best if the relationship is "unstable" and especially if the partner does not appear particularly trustworthy. I’ve tried to move on, I went NC with her for a month and a couple weeks. like I said I come to find out that she’s pissed off that I went NC and ghosted her. She told me she wants me in her life or wanted me I. Her life still. we made plans to talk Friday night not sure what’s going to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovestruck8992 Posted July 1, 2020 Author Share Posted July 1, 2020 7 hours ago, kendahke said: And she can be mad til times get better. You have every right not to be one of her collectables. She's mad because you won't let her manipulation have its way with you. What she wants is irrelevant, considering she didn't want a relationship. You didn't ghost her--you told her exactly what you were doing and you made sure she couldn't violate your boundaries with her selfishness. She needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend or male attention. No, you did the right thing. She's being manipulative and selfish. 7 hours ago, kendahke said: And she can be mad til times get better. You have every right not to be one of her collectables. She's mad because you won't let her manipulation have its way with you. What she wants is irrelevant, considering she didn't want a relationship. You didn't ghost her--you told her exactly what you were doing and you made sure she couldn't violate your boundaries with her selfishness. She needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend or male attention. No, you did the right thing. She's being manipulative and selfish. I just did what I thought was best. Albeit I did it to also hopefully make her miss me right? And show her that if need be I WILL walk away and look elsewhere. but I also did it because I was scared that agreeing to stay in her life at somewhat of a distance means me putting myself in the friendZone Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 It's very clear what's happening. She is being extremely selfish and only wants to keep you in her life to make herself feel better. She doesn't care about you or your feelings one bit. Only herself. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 Well, that's your decision then, fair enough. GL + hope it works out well for you both! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovestruck8992 Posted July 1, 2020 Author Share Posted July 1, 2020 3 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: It's very clear what's happening. She is being extremely selfish and only wants to keep you in her life to make herself feel better. She doesn't care about you or your feelings one bit. Only herself. I can see why saying that seems to be the “go-to” in this forum for a lot of things but why do you feel that is the case? im not saying you are wrong but if it’s true than more convincing can help me steer clear of bad choices and help me just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
HighHopes87 Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 She had every intention of stringing you along buddy. She then got pi**ed off when you severed the contact instead of chasing her like a fool. You had a lucky escape. It’s the perfect recipe for a toxic situation. Leave it be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 4 minutes ago, Lovestruck8992 said: I can see why saying that seems to be the “go-to” in this forum for a lot of things but why do you feel that is the case? im not saying you are wrong but if it’s true than more convincing can help me steer clear of bad choices and help me just move on. Fair enough. She started a relationship with you knowing full well she didn't want one due to commitment issues or whatever else is going on in her head. Why? Because you 'hit it off' and made her feel good at that moment in time. All about her. After 4-5 months she FINALLY realised that she will end up hurting you because quite simply, she does not want to be committed to you, ever. So you have the talk and you do the right thing and go no contact. 1.5 months later you see each other and all of those feelings come rushing back to her, about how you made her feel good at the time. She then gets upset that you dropped her and want to leave as that means you won't be around to make her feel good. Again all about her. No consideration about your feelings at all. She just wants to keep you close to her, in orbit basically, to make herself feel good. She will never give you the commitment you are looking for. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who is crazy about you and appreciates you for you and knows how special you are and wants to be with you and is happy to commit to you? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 20 minutes ago, Lovestruck8992 said: what other into would you like to know about our situation ? Have you had the talk about being exclusive or are you assuming you are? What are her friends like? Does she work? Is she a clubber? Does she drink in excess? Does she call you more then you call her? Is she always available or is it like making an appointment? I haven't read anything in what you've said to change my mind. In my opinion, she is trying to keep you on the shelf and you keep falling off. Make up your mind to move on or sit and wait until she is ready to take up with you. It seems to me that's your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 She told you straight up that she’s a commitment phobe. That means she has a fear of getting close to somebody. In order to prevent getting close she’d rather sabotage the relationship entirely. I know it sounds irrational but it’s completely normal when you’re in a relationship with someone who is afraid of being in a relationship. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to be though. And yeah, it hurt her when you ghosted her because it means you didn’t care enough about her to stick it out. Which only leads her to being even more afraid of relationships because she probably really liked you. But make no mistake, you’ve done nothing wrong. This thing is all her. Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 21 hours ago, Lovestruck8992 said: from the get go she said she has commitment issues and doesn’t know what she wants. We hit it off though.. I fell hard for her and she seemed to have as well but then BAM one day it turned and she pushed me away got super distant and told me she didn’t want to hurt me. She will have her "Shopping List" of qualities that her mate will have or can achieve. You do not have all of those qualities or have not shown her you can achieve those qualities. that is her "commitment issues".... "then BAM one day".... She spotted Chad that fills her "Shopping List", "didn't want to hurt me" means she wants to check out Chad and you can orbit incase he doesn't work out.... Chad didn't pan out, you are gone, now she's without and mad at you for not playing "Backup plan or #2" She did a very good job at meeting all of your needs, that is why you fell hard for her. She is still looking for #1 or someone better than you. You did the smart thing and went NC, never have regrets there. You do not need to be in constant heart break in her orbit just to make her feel good..... Better to find this out now than after a couple of kids, (yours and/or Chad's) that you would be paying for..... Time to move on and find someone with a smaller "Shopping List". Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 (edited) On 7/1/2020 at 6:48 PM, Lovestruck8992 said: I also did it because I was scared that agreeing to stay in her life at somewhat of a distance means me putting myself in the friendZone and unless you want to hang out there with the other orbiters, you did the right thing. She just wants male attention other than yours. That's it. Edited July 2, 2020 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
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