ShyViolet Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 I would think finding someone without the baggage of having been divorced with kids is a good thing, not something to be concerned about. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 What happened in all of his previous relationships? The same thing would likely happen in yours with him. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 3 hours ago, Ellener said: I know what you mean but I have no family except my son here, I would probably enjoy meeting someone else's. He has no family either???? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 At this point since meeting is not an option, just go with the flow. Don't overthink this. Understand that nothing is real until you meet. Keep an open mind & reassess once you do finally meet him. meanwhile be well & stay safe. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 2 hours ago, ShyViolet said: I would think finding someone without the baggage of having been divorced with kids is a good thing, not something to be concerned about. 'Baggage' comes in all shapes and forms - unresolved issues, prejudiced views, no work/life balance, etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellener Posted July 1, 2020 Author Share Posted July 1, 2020 1 hour ago, stillafool said: He has no family either???? I'll ask. Arranged a date for week from Saturday! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 9 hours ago, Foxhall said: Good for a man to get a chance at love later in life if he has been unsuccessful in his younger years. That's true. That's really sweet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, FMW said: I don't think you should write him off just because he's never been married or had children. Give him a chance, see if there are any issues with him that affect you personally, don't pre-judge based on the standards of the general public. If it were me in this situation (I'm not the OP) it wouldn't be about the standards of the general public, it would be: well, why hasn't that happened yet? Not necessarily because of cultural norms but just because of a person having been on earth for 40 years and in probably 25 years of dating, or 20, having so far not made the decision to have something more permanent with anybody. That's a whole lot of years to decide and potentiallly a whole lot of apparently rejected women. (Maybe? Which leads to...) But that would be my question as someone who did want to have something lasting. It could just be his decision not to want that sort of situation. I'd need to know if that was the case in order to decide whether I wanted to move forward with the person. Because if the OP does want that, and this guy doesn't and that's why he remains single, then of course it's going to be an issue, most probably a deal-breaker. So why go for it and just wait to be hurt later, after she's attached? And then again if it's because he just can't get along with anybody...well...again, the OP would need to decide, is that a situation she wants to take on? However, if she's looking for something lasting, and so is he, and he's a good dude but simply hasn't had that right relationship or has had long-term relationships but just never got married so far, then they'd be a potential match. So really it depends upon: 1. What the OP wants. 2. What this guy wants. 3. Whether either/both of them are stable, sane and capable of and ready to have a relationship, if a relationship is what they both want. Edited July 1, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 10 minutes ago, Ellener said: I'll ask. Arranged a date for week from Saturday! Oh cool!!! Let us know! Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted July 1, 2020 Share Posted July 1, 2020 Glad to see you are meeting and giving him a chance. Have met and heard from to many women that any man who is over 40 without kids and never married is broken, giant red flag, etc. I wish you luck 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellener Posted July 1, 2020 Author Share Posted July 1, 2020 1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Oh cool!!! Let us know! Hope it's more exciting news than last time's Covid cancellation! Still it's lifted my spirits ( and improved my diet, which has been slipping a little! ) for a few days... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietRiot Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 On 7/1/2020 at 3:07 AM, CaliforniaGirl said: Is he 30? No. Is he 40? Sort of no. Is he over 40...yeah, I dunno. He just doesn't want to get married, or he can't find a taker. The first one wouldn't really be a red flag per se, but if you want marriage, you probably don't want to pursue. You won't change his mind. If you're a glass half full kind of person, then I'd find it to be a plus when someone hasn't been married and without children because 1. You don't have to worry about rug rats complicating things and 2. You can spontaneously do what you want together 3. Ya'll have your privacy...if you catch my drift. 😉 4. No ex-spouse coming around. 5. No having to worry about being grounded for the weekend if you have the kids. If you're the glass half empty where the only reason is pretty much they didn't have the "experience" of being a parent or marriage...meh, I really don't see the negative as THAT big of a deal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 Ok loads of positives, but there could be loads of negatives too. Workaholic. Commitment phobe Irascible, difficult temperament, impossible to live with.... Hurt. Love of his life left him/died and he has never found another Addiction history, drug abuser, alcoholic. Long mental health history. actual mental illness or a personality disorder. Socially inadequate. emotionally unavailable, FOO issues. Criminal history, either a serial offender or he just got out from serving a long sentence... Etc...etc... His actual life story is very important. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietRiot Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Ok loads of positives, but there could be loads of negatives too. Workaholic. Commitment phobe Irascible, difficult temperament, impossible to live with.... Hurt. Love of his life left him/died and he has never found another Addiction history, drug abuser, alcoholic. Long mental health history. actual mental illness or a personality disorder. Socially inadequate. emotionally unavailable, FOO issues. Criminal history, either a serial offender or he just got out from serving a long sentence... Etc...etc... His actual life story is very important. Funny, Im over 40, never married, no children, and I'm none of the above that's listed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 5 minutes ago, QuietRiot said: Funny, Im over 40, never married, no children, and I'm none of the above that's listed. I'm glad to hear it... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: Commitment phobe Ding... Ding... Ding... This is the correct answer!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, QuietRiot said: If you're a glass half full kind of person, then I'd find it to be a plus when someone hasn't been married and without children because 1. You don't have to worry about rug rats complicating things and 2. You can spontaneously do what you want together 3. Ya'll have your privacy...if you catch my drift. 😉 4. No ex-spouse coming around. 5. No having to worry about being grounded for the weekend if you have the kids. If you're the glass half empty where the only reason is pretty much they didn't have the "experience" of being a parent or marriage...meh, I really don't see the negative as THAT big of a deal. Well, like I said (and I'm NOT necessarily a glass-half-full person, I alternate, have a whole range of outlooks), if this guy isn't married simply because he doesn't want to be, that's fine, IF the OP is on the same page and doesn't want to be. Or if he's unmarried just because he never found the right person, but he IS a person who can and wants to be in relationships, and that's the OP's goal, too, also fine. BUT if she's hoping for a relationship and possibly marriage, or at least something semi-permanent, and he's not, that's where the problem is. Or...if he's unmarried because of some issue or other. That *is* a possibility, one of several. Not all the possibilities are negatives for the OP...provided they're on the same page. But realistically, yes, some people are single after 20, 25 years of dating due to just not being great relationship material. Like it or not, that is **one** possiblity. It's a thing. She doesn't know yet what the deal is...she's going to find out. If they're on the same page, then it's all good! ETA: As far as not having kids, I wouldn't see that as a negative either way...that's a personal choice and it's a big big big big committment...I wanted kids and have them, many people do, but I'm one of those people who believes that because of the many challenges a parent will face - a huge percentage emotional - then nobody should ever have a child unless he or she really, really, really wants a child, come what may. That's just my stance, I don't believe every person should have a child. JMO. Edited July 2, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 5 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: As far as not having kids, I wouldn't see that as a negative either way...that's a personal choice ..or maybe a biological problem ie he is infertile. Just because he has never been married doesn't mean he has never lived with someone and tried to have kids... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 (edited) delete Edited July 3, 2020 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 It depends what matters to you. The only guy I have dated in the past few years who had not been married and had children really did not understand the self sacrifice involved. He also did not understand that teenage children are still inexperienced with life and aren't being clueless deliberately. I think I would prefer someone who has been married and had children but is not set in their ways. That is harder to find. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 On 7/1/2020 at 1:09 PM, FMW said: I don't think you should write him off just because he's never been married or had children. Give him a chance, see if there are any issues with him that affect you personally, don't pre-judge based on the standards of the general public. It’s mad isn’t it that we live in an era where we can over-think/judge someone negatively simply for having no discernible baggage. Thankfully outside of over thinker forums this attitude doesn’t translate to real life- I’ve run two Tinder accounts recently using the same photos where I had over-whelmingly better results when stating my status in my profile (40, never married, no kids) than if I just had a blank profile. So, in real life, it turns out, women like Unmarried/No kids/No baggage. Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 Sounds like a good thing. I've had plenty of relationships and never married or had kids because I only want to get married once in my life and have children with that person and be together until we are over 100. I guess I am pretty picky so have to be 110% certain it will last a lifetime before I do those things. I've ended long term relationships because I was not 110%. Only now at the age of 33 I have met someone who I can't wait to make that commitment with. When I was younger and my parents divorced and I shared my time between them, I told myself I would never make that same mistake they did. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 5 hours ago, some_username1 said: It’s mad isn’t it that we live in an era where we can over-think/judge someone negatively simply for having no discernible baggage. Thankfully outside of over thinker forums this attitude doesn’t translate to real life- I’ve run two Tinder accounts recently using the same photos where I had over-whelmingly better results when stating my status in my profile (40, never married, no kids) than if I just had a blank profile. So, in real life, it turns out, women like Unmarried/No kids/No baggage. Some definitely do, but realistically, a blank profile is always going to be suspicious. So of course the profile with information got more attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellener Posted July 4, 2020 Author Share Posted July 4, 2020 He went through a long engagement, she called off the wedding and is now happily married to someone else. That was when we were discussing children, well my son, he said that. It just never happened for him I guess. I'm thinking he will want a younger woman and children down the road so I am just going to enjoy his company- if we get to meet! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellener Posted July 4, 2020 Author Share Posted July 4, 2020 On 7/2/2020 at 2:03 PM, CaliforniaGirl said: I don't believe every person should have a child. JMO. Me too, I think it's a very long-term commitment and a lot of self-sacrifice. Worth it to me, but my son's father checked out when things got tough. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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