5 years and no proposal…

[moonlightstar]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 5 years now. We've been long distance for the last 3 years of it. He knows I want to get married, I've made it clear since year 3 basically... I feel more strongly about it now because 2 years have passed since I brought it up. I also have a daughter who is my #1 priority and I just can't keep traveling all over with her for a "boyfriend". Of course she doesn't mind because it's a fun trip but at the same time, I need a commitment if I'm going to be spending all my time traveling to see him. He's in residency so his time to travel is very limited. I will say that when he does have some free time he does come to me instead which is great but the long distance has strained out relationship somewhat.

There is so much behind our relationship mostly good but there have been some downers. I didn't meet his parents until about after 4 years of dating.. His mom was not a fan of me and was not accepting of our relationship partly because she was very stubborn about it (she didn't like that I had a child out of wedlock) and partly because I felt like he didn't fight her hard enough for me about it. Things seem fine now as his family issues have been resolved but I'm just feeling confused why it has taken him this long to propose. Now, I feel like he's waited too long and if he does propose it's not really because he wanted to but more because we've been together for so long that that's the next step. I know he knows I'm not OK with dating forever.. marriage is something that I want. We've talked about it since I've gotten upset that he still hasn't proposed and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me or that he doesn't really love me the way I want him to. I'm just at a point where I'm really confused.. I don't know if I should keep on staying with him or if I should just move on and it's been straining our relationship a lot this past month. 

[Redhead14]

I'm not sure what your question is really.  The two of you are not on the same page plain and simple.  Five years is a very generous period of time to invest in a man who clearly doesn't want marriage with you for one reason or another.  If he's being influenced by his mother, then you don't really need a man who is still his mother's son. 

Tell him you're moving on so that you can focus on just you and your daughter and that is unfair to be dragging her around for a man who is not interested in being her step dad and that you want to find a partner and father for her and then block, delete, forget, forever.  No ultimatums, just walk away.  It's way past time. 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

13 minutes ago, moonlightstar said:

 He's in residency so his time to travel is very limited. 

You want to get married & he's not stepping up to the plate.  I can understand your frustration & applaud you for not being willing to hang around forever.  

That said what does "in residency" mean?  Are you talking about the post medical school training piece, the last thing before he becomes a doctor?  It might be a money / time thing.  Residents can barely sleep let alone shop for a ring & propose   Covid is probably making his life even worse.  

Do you anticipate that he will move back to you when residency is completed?  I expect he will get a job there.  That is where his connections are.   Are you willing to move there?   Have you discussed this?  

I think you do need to have another discussion about expectations but if you don't like what you hear,  bringing this to a head may not get you what you want.  then again, no longer being in limbo has its own merits.  

[regine_phalange]

When you did talk about marriage, what did he say? 

[moonlightstar]

13 minutes ago, regine_phalange said:

When you did talk about marriage, what did he say? 

23 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You want to get married & he's not stepping up to the plate.  I can understand your frustration & applaud you for not being willing to hang around forever.  

That said what does "in residency" mean?  Are you talking about the post medical school training piece, the last thing before he becomes a doctor?  It might be a money / time thing.  Residents can barely sleep let alone shop for a ring & propose   Covid is probably making his life even worse.  

Do you anticipate that he will move back to you when residency is completed?  I expect he will get a job there.  That is where his connections are.   Are you willing to move there?   Have you discussed this?  

I think you do need to have another discussion about expectations but if you don't like what you hear,  bringing this to a head may not get you what you want.  then again, no longer being in limbo has its own merits.  

Last summer was the first time I talked to him about it. I told him that I had a feeling his brother and his gf would get engaged by Christmas and that would really make me upset since they’ve only been dating for a year and half and I know everyone is different but I knew it would still make me feel bad. His response was his brother is really impulsive and he will be jumping the gun too early. Well it did happen and he was scared to tell me about it because he knew I would be upset. I found out and we ended up fighting about it because I couldn’t help but feel disappointed, angry, and sad. His response then I love and want to be with you so why does it matter if we get married right now? Our time will come I promise. At that point, I just felt like do I even want it anymore if I have to get upset about it to him.. It’s been 7 months since our last conversation about it and I’ve been seeing all these engagements from my friends and it just makes me feel worse again.

He has named many reasons as to why he's not ready.. commitment is big for him and he's religious so divorce isn't really an option for him. He finished medical school so he is in a residency program so I know time and money is also a burden for him.. He's tried to justify all his reasons I'm just not sure if they are real reasons or am I just crazy?

 

 

[regine_phalange]

You are not crazy, of course not. You have been together for 5 years, you want marriage, you have been honest, and you shall stay true to your wishes. I think you guys should have a deeper two-way convo about this, where you also explain to him why it's important for you to be married so he can see your side. 

I suspect he's not where he wants to be in life yet, and so marriage is not his priority. He may really love you and enjoy having you in his life but not feel ready for familial responsibility. Have you asked him what his overall plan is, how he imagines things will unravel, and how do you exactly fit in? If he doesn't have an idea of how he thinks it will work out, then I would get quite worried.

 

[Redhead14]

Moon, it's time to move on.  Any answer that isn't a yes after 5 years, is a no.  Don't waste anymore of your time giving this guy the milk for free.  It sounds like you're doing a lot of work to keep this relationship going.  It should be a two-way thing no matter how busy or stretched or whatever else he might say.  You've explained to him what it is you want, you gave him a year to come through. 

Tell hm you wish him the best and then take your daughter on a nice trip, just the two of you in some secluded spot away from the crowds and just do YOU and HER for a while.  It'll will do you both good.  And, shut your phone off. 

Edited July 1, 2020 by Redhead14

[Ruby Slippers]

It doesn't take 5 years to figure out if you want to marry someone. If he wanted to marry you, he would have proposed by now. He's had more than enough time to do it.

If I were you I'd move on. This limbo situation isn't fair to you or your daughter.

[d0nnivain]

You're not crazy but you have to account for his desire to finish his residency before marriage.  If a proposal isn't forthcoming within say 6 months of him establishing his practice, then I'd be outta there but you can bail sooner if that is your choice.  

[Mystery4u]

1 hour ago, moonlightstar said:

He has named many reasons as to why he's not ready.. commitment is big for him and he's religious so divorce isn't really an option for him. He finished medical school so he is in a residency program so I know time and money is also a burden for him.. He's tried to justify all his reasons I'm just not sure if they are real reasons or am I just crazy?

 

 

This says it all. It has been 5 years and he is still not ready for commitment. He is wasting your time. You are not on the same page. He is happy with the status quo, he doesn't want to marry you now, or in the future.

[elaine567]

His mother doesn't like you, he wont want to let her down by marrying someone who she and he knows isn't quite "good enough" for him.
Fine for long distance, fine for a filler relationship but marriage no, hence the stalling.
He needs Mommy's approval and as he is also religious he probably really wants a virgin or near virgin as a wife, not a woman who has "sinned" and who has a child... 
Doctors can also be snobby and judgemental too, he may be hiding you away or presenting you as "nothing serious".
Also as a new doctor he may not want a wife and child in tow as if he is ambitious, jobs may take him all around the world...

[ShyViolet]

When you get married, who is going to move, you or him?  How soon would one of you be able to move to be closer to the other, or move in together?  Do you really think it's a good idea to get engaged to someone who you don't even live with, and don't get to see in person very often?  How do you know that you'd be compatible enough to live together on a daily basis?  

[Realitysux]

3 hours ago, moonlightstar said:

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 5 years now. We've been long distance for the last 3 years of it. He knows I want to get married, I've made it clear since year 3 basically... I feel more strongly about it now because 2 years have passed since I brought it up. I also have a daughter who is my #1 priority and I just can't keep traveling all over with her for a "boyfriend". Of course she doesn't mind because it's a fun trip but at the same time, I need a commitment if I'm going to be spending all my time traveling to see him. He's in residency so his time to travel is very limited. I will say that when he does have some free time he does come to me instead which is great but the long distance has strained out relationship somewhat.

There is so much behind our relationship mostly good but there have been some downers. I didn't meet his parents until about after 4 years of dating.. His mom was not a fan of me and was not accepting of our relationship partly because she was very stubborn about it (she didn't like that I had a child out of wedlock) and partly because I felt like he didn't fight her hard enough for me about it. Things seem fine now as his family issues have been resolved but I'm just feeling confused why it has taken him this long to propose. Now, I feel like he's waited too long and if he does propose it's not really because he wanted to but more because we've been together for so long that that's the next step. I know he knows I'm not OK with dating forever.. marriage is something that I want. We've talked about it since I've gotten upset that he still hasn't proposed and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me or that he doesn't really love me the way I want him to. I'm just at a point where I'm really confused.. I don't know if I should keep on staying with him or if I should just move on and it's been straining our relationship a lot this past month. 

Not everyone wants to get married. I don't ever want to get married. I would be serious with a man but not a marriage. Marriages mean nothing! Waste of money tbh. Weddings are not cheap 

[moonlightstar]

12 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

Not everyone wants to get married. I don't ever want to get married. I would be serious with a man but not a marriage. Marriages mean nothing! Waste of money tbh. Weddings are not cheap 

I totally get that marriage isn't for everyone. However, for me it is and I've made that very clear since day 1 with him. Since I already have a daughter, I wanted to make sure he knew that my end goal was marriage and I wasn't just here to date around for fun.

[moonlightstar]

48 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

When you get married, who is going to move, you or him?  How soon would one of you be able to move to be closer to the other, or move in together?  Do you really think it's a good idea to get engaged to someone who you don't even live with, and don't get to see in person very often?  How do you know that you'd be compatible enough to live together on a daily basis?  

That's another reason why I want to be engaged because he wants me to move with him. We've "lived" together here and there when he was able to be in the same state as I was on his rotations. I don't mind traveling for a little bit longer to see him if he could commit to me, I just don't want to pick up my life to be with a "boyfriend."

[moonlightstar]

3 hours ago, regine_phalange said:

You are not crazy, of course not. You have been together for 5 years, you want marriage, you have been honest, and you shall stay true to your wishes. I think you guys should have a deeper two-way convo about this, where you also explain to him why it's important for you to be married so he can see your side. 

I suspect he's not where he wants to be in life yet, and so marriage is not his priority. He may really love you and enjoy having you in his life but not feel ready for familial responsibility. Have you asked him what his overall plan is, how he imagines things will unravel, and how do you exactly fit in? If he doesn't have an idea of how he thinks it will work out, then I would get quite worried.

 

 

3 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

Moon, it's time to move on.  Any answer that isn't a yes after 5 years, is a no.  Don't waste anymore of your time giving this guy the milk for free.  It sounds like you're doing a lot of work to keep this relationship going.  It should be a two-way thing no matter how busy or stretched or whatever else he might say.  You've explained to him what it is you want, you gave him a year to come through. 

Tell hm you wish him the best and then take your daughter on a nice trip, just the two of you in some secluded spot away from the crowds and just do YOU and HER for a while.  It'll will do you both good.  And, shut your phone off. 

 

3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

It doesn't take 5 years to figure out if you want to marry someone. If he wanted to marry you, he would have proposed by now. He's had more than enough time to do it.

If I were you I'd move on. This limbo situation isn't fair to you or your daughter.

 

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You're not crazy but you have to account for his desire to finish his residency before marriage.  If a proposal isn't forthcoming within say 6 months of him establishing his practice, then I'd be outta there but you can bail sooner if that is your choice.  

 

2 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

This says it all. It has been 5 years and he is still not ready for commitment. He is wasting your time. You are not on the same page. He is happy with the status quo, he doesn't want to marry you now, or in the future.

 

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

His mother doesn't like you, he wont want to let her down by marrying someone who she and he knows isn't quite "good enough" for him.
Fine for long distance, fine for a filler relationship but marriage no, hence the stalling.
He needs Mommy's approval and as he is also religious he probably really wants a virgin or near virgin as a wife, not a woman who has "sinned" and who has a child... 
Doctors can also be snobby and judgemental too, he may be hiding you away or presenting you as "nothing serious".
Also as a new doctor he may not want a wife and child in tow as if he is ambitious, jobs may take him all around the world...

Thanks everyone! I've just been feeling a little bit crazed with all these feelings. I love him and I know he loves me too. It's just how much does he love me.. I know guys can take their sweet time which is what has been driving me crazy. I've always been afraid to bring this issue up because I feel like it makes it lose how special the moment would have been. I've been more passive aggressive about it on my part. Our lives have been pretty crazy with him in med school then residency and me finishing my MPH and applying to med school now. So a huge part of these feelings now is so that I can make my big life decisions with either him in the picture or not. His family and I are fine now. His mother loves me now that she has met me and actually asked him why he hasn't popped the question yet.. I need to have another deep conversation with him about this and give it another 6 months. I don't think I can go past 6 years.

[xoxobby_25]

You deserve better than this. This guy seems like a mother's boy dweeb. I know this is easier said than done but stop wasting your time and end this relationship and focus on your daughter, she deserves to see her mum happy with a decent man and a possible father figure to look up to. 

The least you need to do is talk to him about this. 5 years is too long to lead someone like this. 

[MissBee]

5 hours ago, moonlightstar said:

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 5 years now. We've been long distance for the last 3 years of it. He knows I want to get married, I've made it clear since year 3 basically... I feel more strongly about it now because 2 years have passed since I brought it up. I also have a daughter who is my #1 priority and I just can't keep traveling all over with her for a "boyfriend". Of course she doesn't mind because it's a fun trip but at the same time, I need a commitment if I'm going to be spending all my time traveling to see him. He's in residency so his time to travel is very limited. I will say that when he does have some free time he does come to me instead which is great but the long distance has strained out relationship somewhat.

There is so much behind our relationship mostly good but there have been some downers. I didn't meet his parents until about after 4 years of dating.. His mom was not a fan of me and was not accepting of our relationship partly because she was very stubborn about it (she didn't like that I had a child out of wedlock) and partly because I felt like he didn't fight her hard enough for me about it. Things seem fine now as his family issues have been resolved but I'm just feeling confused why it has taken him this long to propose. Now, I feel like he's waited too long and if he does propose it's not really because he wanted to but more because we've been together for so long that that's the next step. I know he knows I'm not OK with dating forever.. marriage is something that I want. We've talked about it since I've gotten upset that he still hasn't proposed and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me or that he doesn't really love me the way I want him to. I'm just at a point where I'm really confused.. I don't know if I should keep on staying with him or if I should just move on and it's been straining our relationship a lot this past month. 

The interesting thing I notice is that (and a lot of women do this) is make marriage something another person bestows you with, like it's a reward after a certain time. I'm not judging btw, just pointing this out. You speak only about the fact that you want marriage, you've wanted marriage, he knows you want to be married, you've brought up marriage, but haven't at all mentioned or seem to know anything about how HE feels about marriage. Has he ever voiced wanting to be married or that being important to him?

I've said this on these boards a lot and in real life, but marriage is something both people have to want and be enthusiastic about and also should have talked about. In my relationship for example, about 9 months in we began discussing the future of things and that marriage is something we both want and it's not a weird conversation where I'm dropping hints like it's my Amazon wishlist or where I'm just waiting around for a surprise proposal. The day of the proposal can be a surprise,  but not the actual conversation about whether or not both people plan to get married. I never understood the idea that you date and then the person surprise asks to marry you. It's a HUGE decision that's legal and logistical and almost like if you were gonna buy a house or car, you talk about it and know what kinda car or home you want and all that and get on the same page before committing. Same here. My partner and I for example talked about our debt, where our careers were going, where we'd want to live, having children etc and a whole bunch of the real life adult stuff that marriage is part of. So we were pretty much agreeing that that's what we were working towards, which is far better than just being together for years and never really sitting down to discuss this but expecting a proposal.

My sense though is, if you're confused or have no idea how the person feels about wanting to marry you, that's already showing you're not on the same page and also the focus shouldn't be just on being proposed to, but to actually get on the same page about this issue. If you can't communicate honestly around this, I don't see marrying this person as the next best idea. You need to be able to share, without demanding it like you're owed (because marriage isn't a gift we're owed, but a mutual partnership both people choose to enter into freely) your feelings about it and also more than sharing your feelings, as it seems you've done that, is to listen really carefully and watch carefully about what he says about his desires for that. That will tell a lot.  

Edited July 2, 2020 by MissBee

[moonlightstar]

17 minutes ago, MissBee said:

The interesting thing I notice is that (and a lot of women do this) is make marriage something another person bestows you with, like it's a reward after a certain time. I'm not judging btw, just pointing this out. You speak only about the fact that you want marriage, you've wanted marriage, he knows you want to be married, you've brought up marriage, but haven't at all mentioned or seem to know anything about how HE feels about marriage. Has he ever voiced wanting to be married or that being important to him?

I've said this on these boards a lot and in real life, but marriage is something both people have to want and be enthusiastic about and also should have talked about. In my relationship for example, about 9 months in we began discussing the future of things and that marriage is something we both want and it's not a weird conversation where I'm dropping hints like it's my Amazon wishlist or where I'm just waiting around for a surprise proposal. The day of the proposal can be a surprise,  but not the actual conversation about whether or not both people plan to get married. I never understood the idea that you date and then the person surprise asks to marry you. It's a HUGE decision that's legal and logistical and almost like if you were gonna buy a house or car, you talk about it and know what kinda car or home you want and all that and get on the same page before committing. Same here. My partner and I for example talked about our debt, where our careers were going, where we'd want to live, having children etc and a whole bunch of the real life adult stuff that marriage is part of. So we were pretty much agreeing that that's what we were working towards, which is far better than just being together for years and never really sitting down to discuss this but expecting a proposal.

My sense though is, if you're confused or have no idea how the person feels about wanting to marry you, that's already showing you're not on the same page and also the focus shouldn't be just on being proposed to, but to actually get on the same page about this issue. If you can't communicate honestly around this, I don't see marrying this person as the next best idea. You need to be able to share, without demanding it like you're owed (because marriage isn't a gift we're owed, but a mutual partnership both people choose to enter into freely) your feelings about it and also more than sharing your feelings, as it seems you've done that, is to listen really carefully and watch carefully about what he says about his desires for that. That will tell a lot.  

I LOVE this and I totally get what you're saying, that's exactly what I want out of a marriage for us to be on the same page and both want it at the same time. Maybe I just more hurt now that he's not there and I have been there since year 3.. It just feels like he doesn't love me as much as I thought he did. With this relationship I've had to take it very slow with him and made sure we were all on the same page because I have a child involved.. He's my first relationship since I've broken up with my daughter's father and I didn't want to be bringing men in and out of my/her life as boyfriends like that. She didn't meet him until after 6 months of him and I dating because I wanted to be sure he was going to be around. Around 6 months we' started talking about marriage, it had to be quite early for us since he was going away for rotations soon.. and I've gathered his thoughts about it. At the time both he and I were not rushing into marriage as we both had our own education/career to focus on as well. He does want to be married eventually because he does want kids and being religious and his family, that's not happening without marriage... He originally wanted to date for 8-10 years before getting married and I said I could not do that, that was not an option or practical for me. We met when I was 23 and he was 25. I am now 28 and he is 30. I've told him my timeline and he agreed and said we should see what happens. It's now at 5 years and still nothing has just made me more disappointed. So I guess we will have to have a more serious talk about commitment.

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, moonlightstar said:

He originally wanted to date for 8-10 years before getting married and I said I could not do that, that was not an option or practical for me. ...
I've told him my timeline and he agreed and said we should see what happens. It's now at 5 years and still nothing...

He agreed to nothing... he said "we should see what happens..."
My guess his timeline hasn't changed as it makes perfect sense for him, by 35 he will be where he wants to be career wise and he will then settle down and marry for life.
You are about to embark on your own career journey (if you get into med school), so when are you going to have time to be a wife and mother in the next few years anyway?
Medical school is hard, it is no walk in the park and then there is another world of study and dedication waiting if you want to get anywhere.
I know women manage to juggle careers and kids, but I guess he is not going to be willing to sacrifice his career to change nappies in the next few years... hence his 8-10 year timeline.

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, moonlightstar said:

He does want to be married eventually because he does want kids and being religious and his family, that's not happening without marriage... He originally wanted to date for 8-10 years before getting married and I said I could not do that, that was not an option or practical for me. We met when I was 23 and he was 25. I am now 28 and he is 30. I've told him my timeline and he agreed and said we should see what happens. It's now at 5 years and still nothing has just made me more disappointed. So I guess we will have to have a more serious talk about commitment.

Yeah. Definitely have that conversation. But based on everything you've said so far, I wouldn't hold my breath. It sounds like you're on completely different pages. If you want to marry, five years is a long time to date somebody without having a definite sense of when it's going to happen. If marriage was on his radar, I think you guys would be having more open conversations about the subject, and it wouldn't be this vague thing that would just magically make itself happen down the road. You would actually be working towards a specific goal and organizing your lives and finances around that.

I definitely agree with your refusal to "move for a boyfriend." This guy seems to be expecting a lot from you and giving you relatively little in return. Heck, he doesn't even think it's important to hash out a subject that is obviously so important to you. That would be bad enough if you were on your own. But you have a daughter. You definitely cannot uproot her when your situation seems so uncertain.

Lemme just say it's okay for him not to want to marry. And it's okay for him not to be sure. But you also have specific wishes and preferences. And they matter. If, after you talk, it becomes clear that you guys really are not on the same page, you should end things.

Edited July 2, 2020 by Acacia98

[d0nnivain]

If you are applying to med school, marriage to him is NOT in the cards in the short term you want.  You have to apply to med school that you can get in to.  At that point, you have to see where the 2 of you are.  If you are far apart marriage isn't going to work.  He probably doesn't want an LDR marriage but that is what the immediate future looks like to him.  He also doesn't want his next choices to be bound by your med school geography.  

You need to get your priorities in order.  Med school vs wife & mother.  He thinks you can't have both right now & IMO he's most likely correct.  He may be dragging his feet because he doesn't want to obligate himself to paying for your med school.  He may also not want to risk his growing medical practice.  If you divorce after you have sacrificed to advance his career there is precedent that would entitle you to 1/2 his practice.  

If you want to get married you have to stop dreaming about some fairy tale proposal. You have to sit & talk to him.  You need practical answers to the above logistical concerns.  Being passive aggressive about your desires instead of addressing them maturely is also making you unattractive in his eyes.  Believe me I've been there & played that game over a different kind of grad school.  Looking back at my behavior I cringe.  

You are a smart person.  Use those brains to appeal to his logical side.  

[Piddy]

Marriage is a tricky issue for many guys.  Every long term girlfriend I had wanted to get married.  I lived with three and was engaged to another.  Even gave a hope chest to my high school girlfriend.  If I had married each of them I'd be four times divorced at a relatively young age. 🥴  Luckily I didn't.

So, I was very hesitant when it came to getting married.  Then I met a girl who I started dating and we moved away and lived together.  She wanted to get married and I kept putting it off for the reasons I stated.  Finally after almost 3 years we got married.

That was 39 years ago this month.  Every situation is different.  After 5 years he should know if he wants to marry you.  I have a golf buddy my age whose been married 5 times.  😯  He wasn't so lucky.  However, he married a woman he had previous lived with and they seem happy.  So it took him a few tries to get it right.  Again, every situation is different.

Ideally it would've been better had you lived together for awhile.  You find out if you were compatible quicker that way.  And about the potential mother in law not liking you issue.  My mother and my wife never really got along.  But let's just say they got along well enough over the years.

So, you have to decide when the time is up as far as waiting.  Five years is a long time, but his education seems to have been his main goal for much of that time.  Good Luck with however it goes for you.

 

Edited July 2, 2020 by Piddy

[Timshel]

Marriage is an endeavor that requires passion.  No, not thoughtless/impulsive passion but passion nonetheless.  I think the best thing to do at this point is to step away from this relationship and focus on your daughter and career, as other posters have stated.  This shouldn't be something to ask for, discuss yes, ask for, no.  You have gone with the flow and you are headed toward being unceremoniously dumped while wasting your child-bearing years and an engagement announcement a year after to another woman.

If he wanted to marry you, he would be talking more about it and making it happen.  So often men feed women with not now when they really mean not you.  He's an a** for doing this and it is lazy; meaning he has so much going on right now that he can't be bothered to break up with you and make himself uncomfy, lazy.

If he is sincere, the only way you will ever know will not be to talk about it again or have his mother ask again but will be to walk away and let him find you while you are living your life.

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, Timshel said:

If he wanted to marry you, he would be talking more about it and making it happen.  So often men feed women with not now when they really mean not you.

Very true.