Eek! Moving in with my BF and his son

[Dis]

Hi everyone! 

I'm a 34 year old female moving in with my 39 year old BF and his 5 year old son on July 31st. I love him with all my heart but I have a few concerns....

 

Some background... My bf and I met at work. We're both nurses at the same facility. My bf is the most caring, hilarious, loving and attentive man I've ever been with. He goes out of his way to make me happy and do little things for me. He's laid back and so very patient. I'm more high strung and emotional. We balance each other out really well. I have a long history dating men who were impatient, temperamental and unkind. He's the first guy I've dated who treats me like a queen. Sex is amazing too! 

 

The only issue we've had in our relationship was mainly caused by my trepidation regarding his son. I'm not a huge fan of kids, tbh. But despite all that I did end up meeting his son and it went well. He's a good kid. Smart and sensitive. But yup, he's loud. When he plays his video games it's basically him just screaming the whole time...? My bf is good with him though. He's sweet to him but also enforces boundaries and tells him to quiet down. When I talk about his son I really don't have a basis of comparison because I haven't really been around a lot of kids so I'm not sure what's normal and what's not. His son slept in my bf's bed his whole life up until 2 months ago. Now he sleeps in his out bed but wakes my bf up crying throughout the night because he doesn't want to be alone. He doesn't even want to be upstairs alone without my bf. It seems a little...much. I'm the kind of person who needs a lot of sleep and I get woken up I'm not going to be happy. I can't work a 12 hour shift on no sleep. And how does sex work with a kid in the house? I'm kind of loud so... don't know how we'll make that work. 

 

My cat...I have one cat now. I had two but I just had to put my sweet older cat down 😥 I'm worried about how my cat will adjust even though she's young. I told my bf his son isn't allowed to go near my cat until she adjusts and he's been talking with him so he understands that. I'm very protective over my cat and s**t will go down if anyone messes with her 🤣

 

And the ex.... 😬 She used to work where my bf and I work so we know a lot of the same people and I've heard a lot of things that worry me. Mostly things about her temperament. She was fired for fighting at work and currently does not work and hasn't for awhile. She lives with her mom in an apartment with her 4 siblings and a roommate. Rent free. She has had physical altercations with other women in the past. My bf describes her as, aggressive, temperamental, and a brute but says she's gotten better now that she's in therapy. She has bipolar and it's not managed well. She comes to the apartment twice a week to pick up their son. My bf and I have had talks about this and we've both come to the agreement that if she's rude or in anyway aggressive towards me she won't be allowed at the apartment. They will do the swap at another location. I haven't met her yet and I want to take my time doing that. It's going to be a big adjustment moving in and I'm dreading meeting her. I would never be rude or be anything but civil but can't I just take off upstairs when she comes over??? 🤨

 

The apartment its self...it's a small 2 bedroom apartment in a not so great town. My bf says I don't seem like a country girl but I am to the core of my being. I love quiet, the sound of tree frogs at night, no neighbors, and a huge yard to garden in. I'm so sad giving up my beautiful little house in the country to move to the concrete jungle. I really feel I'm going to deteriorate at his place. But there is a bright side, my bf is currently looking to buy a house but considering the pickings are slim due to COVID, there aren't many options. Although it's not going to be my house my bf is basically letting me pick it out and says he won't move into a house I don't like. He's that sweet. If we can't find a house shortly after I move in we're going to rent one. I won't last long there so I'm happy about that.

 

Relaxing time....once I move in my bf will have his son on all our days off. We work 4 days a week so we will have his son on our 3 days off. Work is very stressful. It just so happens most of my patients at the moment are either psychically or verbally abusive and COVID has made things so much worse. I need to unwind on my days off and I'm so scared I won't get that with a 5 year old running around. 

 

My bf is super accommodating about everything. He bends over backwards for me and I have no doubt he'll do everything he can to make me comfortable just like I would do anything for him.... but I'm worried.....

Edited July 2, 2020 by Disillusionment373

[DKT3]

Like I said in your previous thread, this relationship will fail. You really don't want to deal with the package only the man. His son will always come first and I honestly don't think you have it In you to deal with it in a constructive healthy manner. 

You seem to believe this a 4 year old will have to adjust to you...Haha boy do you have a shocker waiting. He will grab your cat, probably by the head. And there is no resting with a 5 year old in the house unless he is sleeping.  You just don't get it,  the more you post the more that is clear. You will never be this guys number one priority,  he will only accommodate you if it doesn't interfere with his child.

[BaileyB]

This is wrong, wrong, wrong... you met this child a month ago. As far as decisions go, this one has me scratching my head... This is very concerning decision making for both of you. 

Quote

You seem to believe this a 4 year old will have to adjust to you...Haha boy do you have a shocker waiting.

Without a doubt. And in a two bedroom apartment too! So much for the amazing sex, among other things... 

Edited July 2, 2020 by BaileyB

[Dis]

14 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Like I said in your previous thread, this relationship will fail. You really don't want to deal with the package only the man. His son will always come first and I honestly don't think you have it In you to deal with it in a constructive healthy manner. 

You seem to believe this a 4 year old will have to adjust to you...Haha boy do you have a shocker waiting. He will grab your cat, probably by the head. And there is no resting with a 5 year old in the house unless he is sleeping.  You just don't get it,  the more you post the more that is clear. You will never be this guys number one priority,  he will only accommodate you if it doesn't interfere with his child.

Of course his son is his #1 priority

 

I wouldn't want it to be any other way because if we had kids I would want our kids to come first too

[Dis]

21 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

 

You seem to believe this a 4 year old will have to adjust to you...Haha boy do you have a shocker waiting. He will grab your cat, probably by the head. 

That's kind of mean to say, DK

[DKT3]

9 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

That's kind of mean to say, DK

They don't understand,  it's not mean its facts. When my daughter was 5 she routinely carried the dog around by the head.

[Dis]

Just now, DKT3 said:

They don't understand,  it's not mean its facts. When my daughter was 5 she routinely carried the dog around by the head.

I think it was your delivery

 

But yes, I understand some kids are rough with animals. I wasn't when I was a kid and I had a lot of them. We will just have to teach him to be kind and gentle. I want him to enjoy the cat and also treat her with respect. I think that's reasonable. He's old enough to understand that. 

[Hopeful30]

29 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Like I said in your previous thread, this relationship will fail. You really don't want to deal with the package only the man. His son will always come first and I honestly don't think you have it In you to deal with it in a constructive healthy manner. 

You seem to believe this a 4 year old will have to adjust to you...Haha boy do you have a shocker waiting. He will grab your cat, probably by the head. And there is no resting with a 5 year old in the house unless he is sleeping.  You just don't get it,  the more you post the more that is clear. You will never be this guys number one priority,  he will only accommodate you if it doesn't interfere with his child.

While the above came out a bit harsh, DKT3 is right. His son will always come first. AND I'm surprised you're moving in with a man whose ex you haven't even met. You're going to play stepmom and you haven't met his real mother? You're taking a huge step by entering a pre-made family. 

It's okay if this isn't something you want, but if you really love this man, then you must love all of him, which includes his son.

I would discontinue this relationship if I were you. I don't think this is something you will be happy with. You want to come first before you come second (and nothing wrong with that, it's why kids are dealbreakers for me, too).

[Dis]

2 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

While the above came out a bit harsh, DKT3 is right. His son will always come first. AND I'm surprised you're moving in with a man whose ex you haven't even met. You're going to play stepmom and you haven't met his real mother? You're taking a huge step by entering a pre-made family. 

It's okay if this isn't something you want, but if you really love this man, then you must love all of him, which includes his son.

I would discontinue this relationship if I were you. I don't think this is something you will be happy with. You want to come first before you come second (and nothing wrong with that, it's why kids are dealbreakers for me, too).

Thanks

 

When I first starting dating him I was having a hard time accepting that I would always be the second priority but as our relationship went on I realized it's really not a competition. He's a 5 year old boy and his son. I'm a 34 year old female and his partner. 

 

I don't really view it as a competition. I view it as adjustments I'll need to make with my expectations and I've been doing well with that. 

[Hopeful30]

2 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Thanks

 

When I first starting dating him I was having a hard time accepting that I would always be the second priority but as our relationship went on I realized it's really not a competition. He's a 5 year old boy and his son. I'm a 34 year old female and his partner. 

 

I don't really view it as a competition. I view it as adjustments I'll need to make with my expectations and I've been doing well with that. 

So the question remains...can you adjust to being a stepmom full time? Sleepless nights? Putting your needs as secondary to his son's?

[Dis]

Just now, Hopeful30 said:

So the question remains...can you adjust to being a stepmom full time? Sleepless nights? Putting your needs as secondary to his son's?

Tbh, I don't know because I've never done this before

 

But my bf says his son won't wake me up....don't know if I believe that though 😆 He knows how important my sleep is to me. I don't really think I would be a ok with a sleepless night caused by a child who isn't mine. I really don't mean that in a negative way. Not at all. There are things I'll sacrifice for his son but sleep isn't one of them. 

[Hopeful30]

1 minute ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Tbh, I don't know because I've never done this before

 

But my bf says his son won't wake me up....don't know if I believe that though 😆 He knows how important my sleep is to me. I don't really think I would be a ok with a sleepless night caused by a child who isn't mine. I really don't mean that in a negative way. Not at all. There are things I'll sacrifice for his son but sleep isn't one of them. 

I think it's about much more than sleep. Not every woman can love and dedicate herself to a child that isn't her own. And that's okay. Hell, caring for your OWN child is taxing enough as it is! 

You're allowed to want what you want, but going forward, make sure you consider these needs. Don't enter an arrangement if you genuinely feel this isn't for you. You must always honour yourself and how you feel. In this case, you're not ready to take the role of mother to a foreign child and more importantly, you don't want to.

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

But my bf says his son won't wake me up....don't know if I believe that though 😆 He knows how important my sleep is to me. I don't really think I would be a ok with a sleepless night caused by a child who isn't mine. There are things I'll sacrifice for his son but sleep isn't one of them. 

As one who is living it, this isn’t going to work for you. 

Again, sleep is only one thing you will sacrifice. Your partner may handle most of the parenting responsibilities, but in a small two bedroom apartment... you will not have any space. Your sleep will be interrupted, the apartment will be messy, among many other things...

Dis, I’m sorry to say it but you are being totally unrealistic here. There is a child involved here, what’s he going to think when a woman he has just met moves into his home only to move out two months later... No disrespect, but this is the kind of impulsive decision making one would expect of two 20 something’s... This man is a parent, you are a professional, you are both adults and you have been in other relationships that have failed... Again, these are some very concerning decisions you are making...

[Ruby Slippers]

5 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I don't really think I would be a ok with a sleepless night caused by a child who isn't mine. I really don't mean that in a negative way. Not at all. There are things I'll sacrifice for his son but sleep isn't one of them. 

I'm guessing this is going to be a problem. You're not going to want to sleep separate from your bf so he can deal his son and you can sleep. As long as you and your bf sleep together, it's almost guaranteed that the son will be disturbing you. He's at a very young age to have gone through a split/divorce situation, which is probably why he's so needy.

How many days/nights are you spending there now? I think you'd be wise to keep your own place for a good long while until you get a better idea of what the day-to-day is going to be like with him.

Also, your concern about going from a house in a quiet area to an apartment in the city is a valid one. In my last relationship I was spending a lot of time at his apartment in the city to shorten the commute. It was always so nice and relaxing to come back to my house in the outskirts. I felt a huge sense of relief and peace every time.

Also, do you want to get married and have kids of your own? If so, it's a good idea not to move in with him until you're at least engaged. People who "shack up" have lower marrying rates and higher divorce rates.

[Dis]

3 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I think it's about much more than sleep. Not every woman can love and dedicate herself to a child that isn't her own. And that's okay. Hell, caring for your OWN child is taxing enough as it is! 

You're allowed to want what you want, but going forward, make sure you consider these needs. Don't enter an arrangement if you genuinely feel this isn't for you. You must always honour yourself and how you feel. In this case, you're not ready to take the role of mother to a foreign child and more importantly, you don't want to.

This is so thoughtful. Thank you ❤️

 

I really don't know if this is for me but I do know I am 100% committed to doing everything in my power to try

 

I'm a nurturing person so I hope that translates into being a good stepmom but sometimes I worry I'll be just so damn annoyed and I really don't want to feel that way. I wasn't when I met him. I felt endeared by him for the most part. I really did and I don't feel that way about most kids I meet. But it's another story living with him than just spending a few hours. 

[poppyfields]

Hi Dis, I won't judge you for your decision, but am curious; you mentioned in your previous thread that your bf wants and actually expects you to take the role of not only stepmom but disciplinarian.

Is this still true?  If so, how are you preparing for that, have you read  parenting articles or books, and/or gone to parenting classes?  

Even parents who have children of their own do this, it's not easy!  

And then to be suddenly thrust into the role, I can't even imagine it.

Are you sure you're ready?  

Anyway, wishing you good luck and happiness Dis.  Xo

Edited July 2, 2020 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Sometimes I worry I'll be just so damn annoyed and I really don't want to feel that way. I wasn't when I met him. I felt endeared by him for the most part. I don't feel that way about most kids I meet. But it's another story living with him than just spending a few hours. 

How much time have you spent with the child? Have you stayed over with the child present? 

[Dis]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How much time have you spent with the child? Have you stayed over with the child present? 

No because the one time I asked if I could, my bf said it wasn't a good idea because his ex was coming to pick him up in the morning and he literally said, "she would try and fight you."

 

I said, whatttttttttt?!?!

 

And he was like, omg I didn't mean that I'm just so tired I didn't think before I said that. So it caused a huge uproar from me because...what the h*ll am I walking in to? So we talked about it and insisted she wouldn't do that he was just tired when he said that. 

 

But that's another thing that really worries me. There had to be some truth in what he said. I mean, that's kind of a wild thing to say if it had no basis of truth. 

[BaileyB]

I checked back, you met the child on June 9th. It hasn’t even been a month. You are considering moving in with a child that you have met once, a few weeks ago. 

I’ll be honest, if my ex husband moved another woman into his home when my son had only met her once - I’d be really upset. And very angry.

Not going to lie, I have never met my partners ex-wife. She has untreated mental health issues and she is pretty unstable. Not able to hold employment. We waited three years before I moved into their home. 

There are so many red flags here, you could have a parade...

Edited July 2, 2020 by BaileyB

[Dis]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I checked back, you met the child on June 9th. It hasn’t even been a month. You are considering moving in with a child that you have met once, a few weeks ago. 

I’ll be honest, if my ex husband moved another woman into his home when my son had only met her once - I’d be really upset. 

There are so many red flags here, you could have a parade...

She knows I'm moving in and she is hurt about it. But like I said, I'm more worried about her anger

 

Because of the way I grew up, if I know someone has the potential for voilence or even angry outbursts I will do whatever I can to stay away from them. So that's why I'm putting off meeting her for as long as I can and I don't feel badly about that. I'm protecting myself. 

[BaileyB]

Just now, enigma32 said:

She probably needs to be warmed up to the idea. A lot of ladies act a bit crazy when the new woman comes into the picture. For her to just pop up there like normal and see some strange woman around her son, that's probably enough to send an unhinged person over the edge. Your BF probably has to talk to her about you before hand and get her used to the idea of you being around before she will be ok with it. 

Everyone needs more time...

[Dis]

1 minute ago, enigma32 said:

She probably needs to be warmed up to the idea. A lot of ladies act a bit crazy when the new woman comes into the picture. For her to just pop up there like normal and see some strange woman around her son, that's probably enough to send an unhinged person over the edge. Your BF probably has to talk to her about you before hand and get her used to the idea of you being around before she will be ok with it. 

He's talked to her about it many times

 

She goes from crying about it to being angry. I feel like I'm going to be unsafe if she's there. Unsafe in my own home. 

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

She goes from crying about it to being angry. I feel like I'm going to be unsafe if she's there. Unsafe in my own home. 

That should tell you something right there. This is not the one. 

If my partner didn’t have strong boundaries with his ex-wife, had I seen even the hint of trouble or that she would present a risk to my safety - I was prepared to walk. 

Dare I say it, but the woman is perhaps a little unstable (by his description) and you are provoking her. He is moving a woman into his home who does not know or have any kind of a relationship with her son. She has a right to be concerned. She has a right to be angry. He doesn’t need her approval, but she can make life very difficult for you...

Edited July 2, 2020 by BaileyB

[Violetstar]

So, my first question is how long have you been dating him?? Because it doesn't sound like you've known his son for too long. It's always a good idea to see how you three can balance BEFORE moving in. I ABSOLUTELY understand your fears going into this, they are incredibly valid. And, we can't expect you to just dump the guy. I'm sure you love him and you've invested a lot of time and energy into him and this relationship. So, that just leaves you with the option of getting along with his annoying son. 

1. how long have you been dating this guy? how long have you known the son?

2. does the son live there full-time? on weekends? every other weekend?

3. do you see yourself marrying this guy?

In my opinion, if you have dated this guy for a long time and the son is only there PART-TIME, I would say give it a shot. You only have to deal with the kid a couple of times a month, and you can have a very calm and logical discussion with your significant other about any issues his son may be causing in the home. PICK YOUR BATTLES. If you start anything over tiny little issues like not putting the toilet seat back down (this will happen for the next 45 years), it's going to be a very difficult relationship.

Unfortunately, if the kid hasn't already, he will be the cause of about 75% of your arguments so that's why you really need to decide how committed you are to this guy.

EXAMPLE:  My brother fell in love with a girl who had a son. He said that if it weren't for the son, they would be perfectly happy. The son has MAJOR ADHD (I even find him extremely annoying and I actually love kids) and would cause some issues in the house. However, the kid was only there 4 days a week AND because my brother would pick at the little kid for EVERY LITTLE THING he did, it actually made things so much worse. The step son picked up on the jealousy and tension and started intentionally causing fights and causing problems. He basically started battling my brother. So now that my brother MARRIED this girl and constantly complained about his stepson, my sister-in-law no longer believes my brother and constantly sides with her son. And, the stepson bullies their 2-year old baby because of it. 

It's going to be a very tough road ahead of you if you are already sensing problems and tension. You just need to ask yourself whether your significant other is worth it. 

 

[Dis]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

That should tell you something right there. This is not the one. 

If my partner didn’t have strong boundaries with his ex-wife, had I seen even the hint of trouble or that she would present a risk to my safety - I was prepared to walk. 

Dare I say it, but the woman is perhaps a little unstable (by his description) and you are provoking here. He is moving a woman into his home who does not know or have any kind of a relationship with her son. She has a right to be concerned. She has a right to be angry. He doesn’t need her approval, but she can make your life hell if you don’t do this well.... 

She doesn't have the power to do much. I would call the cops right away. My Uncle is a federal court judge. I have 7 attorneys in my family. She would get nailed to the cross pretty quickly if she tried something.

 

I would never be anything but civil to her and I would understand her being upset. But if she ever threatened me or did something along those lines she would have a problem. 

 

My bf and I are on the same page about her and he has no issue with boundaries and keeping me safe.