Eek! Moving in with my BF and his son

[Dis]

I know some posters have mentioned they think I'm of the mind that this is going to be all sunshine and roses

 

I don't think that at all 

 

I think at first it's going to be hell on the days we have his son. Just hoping it will get better after that. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I think at first it's going to be hell on the days we have his son. Just hoping it will get better after that. 

If I was his ex wife, I would be really sad to hear another woman talk about my child that way. 

The challenges you have living with a man who has a son are not going to change with time. You will resent the days you are relegated to the bedroom, or you have to leave your home to have a quiet, private moment. Trust me, it’s not easy for one who has lived alone and is used to having her own space and doing things a certain way. 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Why postpone the real test? 

I am confused about something.  Putting aside the issues with his son and his ex and focusing on only you and your bf and the longevity of your relationship, how do you not realize that by not postponing moving in for a year, or even 6 months, you risk placing your RL under so much pressure for the numerous reasons already stated that you seem very much aware of yourself, that any sense of longevity is pretty much blown to smithereens!  

Is this a risk you are truly willing to take? 

Versus waiting a few more months to a year giving you time to gradually warm up to the idea by spending time at your bf's home with his son, and having his son slowly grow more comfortable with you and vice versa?  

Slowly, gradually so that when you create a thread, you're happy and excited versus how you entitled this thread --  "eek."  Admitting you're freaked out.

And to increase the chances of your relationship actually working out long term leading to marriage instead of it possibly (and quite likely) blowing up in smoke due to you clearly not being ready, freaking out, and the pressure that creates for both of you.   

I posted this earlier but by "testing" it now, before you're ready, you are virtually ensuring your relationship's demise whether you realize it or not.  

If you want to "test" anything, why not test to determine how your wonderful boyfriend will handle a bit of independence from you by telling him you're not quite ready yet, and need more time.  Which is perfectly understandable, heavens you have only been dating 8 months!  

You have stated that in your past, your boyfriends have been dominant and unkind, so to me seeing how he handles your wanting to wait a bit, until you're more comfortable and ready and not freaked out by the idea, is a much better test than what you're planning on doing now.

Edited July 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

To add, another poster suggested you're allowing fear (of losing him) drive your ship.  And I agree.  

That's no way to embark on this new journey together and if he does leave, then shouldn't that tell you something significant? 

Something I would certainly want to know.  And I would think you would too given your history with the type of men you've been in relationships with in the past - dominant, controlling, unkind.  I assume, in part, when they do not get their way and/or not controlling you or the situation.

Best, 

 

Edited July 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Dis]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

If I was his ex wife, I would be really sad to hear another woman talk about my child that way. 

 

I wasn't talking about their son directly. He's a child. 

 

I just meant the whole thing

 

It's going to be an adjustment 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I'm actually expecting everything you mentioned

I'm just trying to focus on the positives

My cat who I had to put down was old and I was terrified at the thought of putting him into this situation. He was the sweetest, most gentle cat but he was also fragile. It wouldn't have been healthy for him. But my other cat is young and sassy. She'll be fine and I'll give her lot's of love. But let's be honest. People just don't allow themselves to never move because they have pets. She will adjust and I'll do everything I can to make this as easy as possible for her. 

My bf actually has a little TV for his son which he uses most of the day and my bf watches his shows or plays his video games on his TV. But they do watch his son's movies at night. I'm like you, I don't care for kid shows. I think they're annoying too. But we'll have a TV in the bedroom too. 

Like I said before, my bf says his son won't wake me up. I don't believe that though. His son's bedroom is right across from his. I think I'm going to get woken up a lot. 

The little guy is a picky eater so I know I won't change that but I would at least like to try to help him eat better. My bf is pretty heavy. He needs to eat better too. But yup, at the end of the day he's probably going to want his chicken nuggies and fries. 

I hope I don't dread my days off. I think I might though. At least until I get adjusted. I'm already planning on places I can go for a breather. Like the gym and the library. But I'm a homebody at heart so I don't really like being outside of the house too much. I feel happiest when I'm at home so it would really suck if it became a situation where my only peaceful place was hell. 

Hey D, I'm really worried for you.  Everything you're writing here screams that you're not ready to move in.   Am I right in assuming that if it doesn't work that you won't have your place to go back to easily?   Is it out of the question to continue where you are but spend a couple of nights per week with your BF, including when he's got his son?   I think it would be wise to know what it's like the son is around and know you'll be confident with it before you make the move.   

Granted, it's been a while since my kids were 5, but a few things to consider about stuff you've said:

• You mention his dad watching movies with him at night.  The boy is just 5 and should probably be in bed by about 7:30.  Is the boy a night owl....or will kid's movies at night not really be a thing?
• Re your cat, lots of children are gentle and loving towards animals.  Introduce your cat slowly and if you see that his son is thoughtful, it should work easily.  
• You will have to learn to turn down the volume when you have sex.  Not only for the son, but for the neighbours on the other side of the wall. Yes, it can be done.  
• Yes, his son will wake you.  You won't have interrupted sleep until his son can sleep through the night.  
• Why does your bf's son use his TV most of the day?   That's a lot of TV!
• Fussy eating can be tough, but it can gradually improve and you could be a real asset if you eat well.  Does your boyfriend work with his son's mother so that when one of you finds something he will eat, the other can back it up?   Do you know what he eats are her house?    A thing I learned from a dietitian (working with my special needs child who has extreme eating issues) was to put just a teaspoon of the new food on his plate with the regular food.  First thing is for them to just be able to cope with it being on their plate.  If they can do that, they give it a taste.   Baby baby steps so that they don't get overwhelmed and make it worse.

 

 

[introverted1]

10 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Why postpone the real test? 

Because of the son.

You and your bf will both be fine if your test fails.  Sure, there will be some hurt feelings, but you'll move on.

For the little boy, though, the consequences are much greater.  He has no choice in accepting the test and none in its ending. Yet he is the one who stands to lose the most. He's already emotionally fragile and now he will be expected to manage his mother's anxiety about the new woman in his life, along with sharing his dad's time and attention with a new woman who I can guarantee he understands (perhaps subconsciously) doesn't fully want him around. On top of that add new rules and routines around sleep and meals and pets and just generally adapting to a new person in his space.  This would be a lot for anyone and you would be wise to lay a foundation with this child before barging into his life.

This is what I mean when I said earlier that you are looking at this through your own prism exclusively.  Your reasons for wanting this "test" are about what's best for you (and I'm not even sure I'd agree that this is best for you, either), not what is best for a child that you are supposedly intending to love and (step) parent for the rest of forever.  (Parenting doesn't end at age 18, either.) 

You haven't even been dating for a year and you've met the child once.  There is truly no good reason for rushing into cohabitation at this point, and lots of good reasons to wait.

 

 

Edited July 3, 2020 by introverted1

[Els]

11 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I can't buy a house right now because my credit is shot from my nursing school student loans

Legit shot 

On 7/2/2020 at 2:38 PM, Disillusionment373 said:

Saving a boat load of money living together. It's expensive to live alone.

I'm seeing the "money" reason being mentioned a lot here. Dis, is there a reason why you can't afford to rent your own place despite working full-time as a nurse? Straight up, living with a young child, especially one with special needs, is NOT going to save you money compared to living alone.

The others have made a lot of good points re: the wellbeing of the child, as well, so I'm not going to reiterate them here. But seriously. None of the "upsides" of moving in together that you are thinking of, are going to be true. You will NOT be having more sex or spending more time together with a special needs kid in the house, lol.

[snowcones]

For decades I used to live in a very expensive area and I know SOOOOOOOO many people (mostly women) who've moved in together just for monetary reasons. To save themselves from drowning financially, even though they use the "love" excuse.   It always ends up being the wrong reason and a complete disaster.  Please don't do this to yourself, Disillusioned, just for money.  I know it's hard to accept that this is the real reason why you're doing it.  Please find a way to live on your own.  Even getting another single roommate would be better, or getting a second job.   Something, anything.  You can still date him while you live on your own. 

Edited July 3, 2020 by snowcones

[Cookiesandough]

Dissy, I think you will adjust to this as we adjust to everything else in life that's worth it to us. And if not, that's okay too. Just go with it  Hope it works out for you guys

[poppyfields]

8 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I wasn't talking about their son directly. He's a child. 

 

I just meant the whole thing

 

It's going to be an adjustment 

And what if you can't adjust?  You keep saying you "hope" you're able to but like I said, you move in now before you're ready or worse are "freaked out" by the idea, you almost guarantee it's failure. 

An adjustment like that is extremely difficult even when one IS ready and not freaked out!  

Then what?  You and your bf cannot go backwards after this.  You will be done, your relationship over.

Again is this a risk you're willing to take?   

As we've been saying, why not wait 6 months to a year, spend time at his with his son so it won't be such an overwhelming adjustment and you're not so freaked out?  

Everyone keeps mentioning the impact it will have on his son, your suddenly moving in, running the show with new recipies, imposing on the one-on-one time with his dad, etc. etc.

I agree but I don't get the sense you care much about that, which is why I'm not making his son the focus.  Even though he should be and I'm saddened that for you, he's not.

You care more about how things will be between you and your bf and you are "hoping" it will strengthen your relationship and lead to marriage.  

Again, you move in now before you're ready, freaking out and with all these negatives in your head that you "hope" you can adjust to, I can almost guarantee the opposite will happen.

If it were just you and your bf, it could work, I know several couples who moved in together within several months of meeting and they're still together and happy as could be.

But it is not just you and your bf.  He's got a young son who is going to impact your lifestyle in a major way (lack of sleep, little to no private time, or quiet time, etc etc), so it's much much different. 

You are an intelligent woman, you must know this!

And if you cannot adjust, which given everything you wrote in your last thread and this, it is highly likely you won't be able to adjust, and that will be it between you and bf.

Start over, single again, alone.  

To me, you may not realize it, but what you're planning on doing.moving in now before you're ready and feeling as freaked out as you are, etc is a form of self-sabotage. 

Why?  Why do you want to sabotage your chances of your RL working out long term?

When all you have to do is give it a bit more time, spend time with his son, develop a bond before you move in. Become more comfortable so that it's a joyous occasion as it should be!

None of this makes any sense to me. 

 

 

Edited July 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[FMW]

I think everyone has been clear and is on the same page about the best interest of the little boy.

So let's just focus on you since you're the only one who can take care of  yourself and make sure your best interests are being considered.  I understand you love your boyfriend and want to physically be with him when you wake up, when you go to bed, and the hours between.  But if you have an unhappy home life together, those experiences and hours together are going to cease being a warm and nurturing experience. There is a huge likelihood that resentments are going to build up and that will be the death knell for everything.  

I truly believe you need to take more time, as has been suggested.  Ease your way into things by spending, gradually, more time with his son.  All your fears and doubts about this, the reason you made this post, are all flashing yellow lights telling you to slow down.  

I think you may fear losing your boyfriend if you don't jump right in, right now.  Don't act out of fear.  As I noted, there's a good chance rushing things will damage your relationship.  If your boyfriend can't be understanding and patient, he's not the right guy for you.  If your relationship is good, trust that it will stand up to time and don't rush.

The money shouldn't be a consideration whatsoever in a major move like this.

Take some time and do the loving thing for yourself.    

[smackie9]

You say you want to make some changes ie: eating habits. Well before you go doing that, you better ask him first, before assuming all these things in you head, if he would be onboard with it, and what kind of guidelines are expected. If you come around and say "why are you feeding him junk?" or "You need to set a better example so your better put that bad of Doritos down!" you are in for some arguments/resentment. Planning ahead and having clear expectations from the both of you will make the adjustment easier.

[poppyfields]

Dis, if you're still reading, there is a great thread running in the General Relationship section discussing the pros and cons of living together versus living apart, and "LAT" - living apart together.  Created by Emilie Jolie.

It's super insightful, a great read! Perhaps it will help in your decision making progress. 

Best of luck!

Edited July 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Dis]

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

Hey D, I'm really worried for you.  Everything you're writing here screams that you're not ready to move in.   Am I right in assuming that if it doesn't work that you won't have your place to go back to easily?   Is it out of the question to continue where you are but spend a couple of nights per week with your BF, including when he's got his son?   I think it would be wise to know what it's like the son is around and know you'll be confident with it before you make the move.   

Granted, it's been a while since my kids were 5, but a few things to consider about stuff you've said:

• You mention his dad watching movies with him at night.  The boy is just 5 and should probably be in bed by about 7:30.  Is the boy a night owl....or will kid's movies at night not really be a thing?
• Re your cat, lots of children are gentle and loving towards animals.  Introduce your cat slowly and if you see that his son is thoughtful, it should work easily.  
• You will have to learn to turn down the volume when you have sex.  Not only for the son, but for the neighbours on the other side of the wall. Yes, it can be done.  
• Yes, his son will wake you.  You won't have interrupted sleep until his son can sleep through the night.  
• Why does your bf's son use his TV most of the day?   That's a lot of TV!
• Fussy eating can be tough, but it can gradually improve and you could be a real asset if you eat well.  Does your boyfriend work with his son's mother so that when one of you finds something he will eat, the other can back it up?   Do you know what he eats are her house?    A thing I learned from a dietitian (working with my special needs child who has extreme eating issues) was to put just a teaspoon of the new food on his plate with the regular food.  First thing is for them to just be able to cope with it being on their plate.  If they can do that, they give it a taste.   Baby baby steps so that they don't get overwhelmed and make it worse.

 

 

Wow, great advice, thank you!

 

It's not possible for me to stay where I am. I already told my landlord that I didn't want to renew the lease and new tenants have already signed one and will be moving in on August 1st. 

 

His son goes to sleep at 8:30pm. They watch a movie before bed. I probably couldn't sit down for a kid's movie. I have an aversion to kid's shows/movies but honestly, it' hard for the to sit down for a regular movie. I'm kind of hyper. I like to be up doing things most of the time. 

 

I think his son might be ok with my cat. He seems gentle and has pets at his mom's house so he's used to animals. I want his son to associate my cat with good things so he treats her well so after the adjustment period I will slowly introduce the two of them. 

 

I can turn down the volume when it comes to sex. It's just I don't know how two adults get turned on when there's a kid in the house. I feel like I wouldn't want to have sex because his son might interrupt or what have you. I feel like having a kid is a real mood killer in that sense. 

 

Yes, I know his son will wake me even though my bf says he won't. I'm prepared for that as long as I don't lose a lot of sleep. If I do, I will have to consider moving out. I don't do well mentally or emotionally if I lose a lot of sleep. 

 

His son is on his TV playing video games allllll day. They might go outside for one or two hours but that's it. I think that's super unhealthy for a child. I remember when I was a kid, if I snuck in more than an hour of TV per day my dad would lose it. I was outside a lot or playing with toys in the house in the winter. Maybe that's why I can't sit still now 🤣 It's going to be tough having his son inside all day. He lives in an apartment so of course he can't go outside by himself but at 5 my bf should be taking him outside for most of the day. And when my bf does get a house I have a very strong feeling his son won't want to go outside without him. I think that's a problem too. He should have friends he plays with but he doesn't. He's attached at the hip to his dad. Won't leave his side. My bf doesn't see a problem with that. When I was a kid I wasn't around my parents much. I was off playing with friends or playing in the yard. I'm very concerned his son seems so codependent. 

 

Great tip with introducing healthy foods. His son eats junk. Chicken nuggets, fries, grilled cheese. That's about it. My bf is pretty heavy and he doesn't eat well most of the time. When I move in I'm going to overhaul my bf's eating habits which he wants to do and try as hard as I can to help his son eat better so he's not heavy when he grows up like his dad. My bf's ex doesn't feed her son healthy foods either and has a limited amount of money to spend on food so my bf gives here some food from his house. So even if I do introduce new foods I'm not sure those habits will be transferred to his mom's house. 

 

 

[basil67]

Dis, you're still writing things which point to you not being a good fit for this life.   I echo the thoughts of other posters who are urging you to delay.   Please, please don't move in until you are as sure as you possibly can be that you will adapt fairly easily to being in his home.   

Honestly, I'm also worried about your bf's parenting abilities.  He should not be bringing you in when you've expressed such significant concerns - it will be unfair on both you and his son.

Edited July 4, 2020 by basil67

[BaileyB]

Yup, it’s going to be a rude awakening for you. 

The child is five. He is supposed to be codependent. I have a four year old niece, she moves from one parent to the other. She can play alone for brief periods of time, but she is still very adult focused. These are the BEST years for the two of them to spend that time together. I would agree, it’s not a good plan for the two of them to sit in front of a screen all day... but, it’s not your place to tell him how to parent his son. Besides, it’s not possible for his father to take him outside for most of the day. What are they going to do outside all day? They live in an apartment. They don’t have a yard. He can’t play outside unsupervised at five years old - not even if they had a yard. 

As for your assertion that the new healthy eating habits you plan to introduce (good luck with that by the way, that is a fairly typical preschool diet) may not transfer to his mothers house - it’s her house. She will decide what meals to prepare. Just as the child will decide which foods to eat. 

Edited July 4, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

 Honestly, I'm also worried about your bf's parenting abilities.  

Agreed. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Yes, I know his son will wake me even though my bf says he won't. I'm prepared for that as long as I don't lose a lot of sleep.

If I do, I will have to consider moving out. 

I continue to be baffled by your attitude about this whole thing.

You have to know that should you not be able to adjust, which given everything you've posted, including your last post, seems to point to that happening, you cannot simply move out and have things go back to how they were prior to moving in.  

That is not how it works, you decide you can't hack it and move out, that's it, RL done.  Not to mention the upheaval it will cause his son!

Your boyfriend will know you're not cut out to be his son's step mom, which is huge for him, as they are a packaged deal, not some accessory like your bf's car or other material possessions. 

I asked this before but why are you intentionally sabotaging the long term viability of your relationship by embarking on this given all the negatives you feel?  Including a new one we haven't heard before, a mood killer?  

Some sort of test?  It's wrong to play with people's emotions like that, especially an impressionable 5 year old.

I'm not saying this to be insensitive, I truly want this situation to work out positively for you, long term. 

Don't you?  Serious question. 

Edited July 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

Do you feel at all like you've let a wish / hope / fantasy take over and dominate your decision making?  

Most of the comments on this thread are coming from a similar place, so I think you've heard enough of that.  It's extremely unlikely that anyone is going to say to themselves, "well, all those people on LS said I shouldn't do this, so I'm not going to do it."  

But ... is there any chance at all that you will just give it some kind of extension time-wise?  

I think you realize that none of you - you, bf, little boy OR his mother - are well prepared for this right now.

[Snow_Queen]

I know a lot about kids and their behaviors. I have 4, which include non-biological. So, I’m well qualified to speak on this subject.

 

There are many things that bother me about this thread. One of the biggest red flags I see is the father’s behavior towards his child. I bet one of the reasons he’s very attached to his dad is due to having limited interaction with him and dad being dismissive of the boy’s needs. 
 

If his son, who’s only 5, is in front of a tv most of the time then he isn’t getting nearly enough one on one dad time. Dad is also willing to put his son’s routine and comfort at risk to accommodate someone else’s. You can bet the child has already picked up on this. These are likely the main reasons for his clinginess.
 

You seem concerned about the boy not being capable of spending more time outside and without dad. This will only make the neediness worse. Or, the boy will grow resentful of the relationship you have with his dad. Especially, if he sees him putting someone else first.
 

One more thing to note, a life with kids means adjusting your schedule to theirs. No exceptions. What if you have a date night planned and his son gets sick with a stomach flu? What if he’s struggling in school and needs help doing homework? Your bf might have to spend afternoons/evenings doing this. Or, being high needs, he might have a meltdown over his routine changing and it could take hours to calm him down. You might be late getting out the door if you have family plans on those days. 
 

By the way, most kids live off of chicken nuggets, mac & cheese, and fries. It’s what kids eat and you’ll see exactly why after living with one.

Edited July 4, 2020 by Snow_Queen

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Snow_Queen said:

You seem concerned about the boy not being capable of spending more time outside and without dad.

Not to mention, 5yo kids still need supervision.  Of course, one can still take a phone call or pop inside to stir the casserole....but they can't be left alone for long periods.

I saw mention in the thread that the boy has special needs - I didn't see where the dx was given, but if he is SN, he needs more supervision than a regular 5yo.

[chillii]

 

lt shouldn't be eeek , that's just so ALL wrong , sure you know what your doin , does he know you feel like this , maybe you guys should talk.

[Dis]

On 7/4/2020 at 2:47 AM, Snow_Queen said:

I know a lot about kids and their behaviors. I have 4, which include non-biological. So, I’m well qualified to speak on this subject.

 

There are many things that bother me about this thread. One of the biggest red flags I see is the father’s behavior towards his child. I bet one of the reasons he’s very attached to his dad is due to having limited interaction with him and dad being dismissive of the boy’s needs. 
 

If his son, who’s only 5, is in front of a tv most of the time then he isn’t getting nearly enough one on one dad time. Dad is also willing to put his son’s routine and comfort at risk to accommodate someone else’s. You can bet the child has already picked up on this. These are likely the main reasons for his clinginess.
 

You seem concerned about the boy not being capable of spending more time outside and without dad. This will only make the neediness worse. Or, the boy will grow resentful of the relationship you have with his dad. Especially, if he sees him putting someone else first.
 

One more thing to note, a life with kids means adjusting your schedule to theirs. No exceptions. What if you have a date night planned and his son gets sick with a stomach flu? What if he’s struggling in school and needs help doing homework? Your bf might have to spend afternoons/evenings doing this. Or, being high needs, he might have a meltdown over his routine changing and it could take hours to calm him down. You might be late getting out the door if you have family plans on those days. 
 

By the way, most kids live off of chicken nuggets, mac & cheese, and fries. It’s what kids eat and you’ll see exactly why after living with one.

The bolded is kind of why I can't take this thread seriously anymore as these statements are so very untrue 

 

If my bf heard someone say that he had limited time with his son and was dismissive of his son's needs it would break his heart. He is all about his son and so very patient and loving towards him. He has a hard time bringing his son to his grandmother's so we can have a date night once every 2 or 3 weeks. 

 

So sad people are so judgemental 

[Dis]

Many posters are commenting and judging my bf's parenting skills because I'm moving in. He is such a loving, doting father. I've been with him for 7 months. We love each other. I'm moving in. That action does not equate to him being a neglectful father. 

 

I'm not the first gf to move in with her bf and his child and I won't be the last. This isn't some world ends scenario because I'm moving in with my bf. I can't even take people seriously at this point considering the way people are reacting to this. You would think I committed capital murder. Good god. 

 

It's just gotten silly now 

 

And I don't see what waiting will do for this situation. These are deal breaker issues. Not something more of a foundation can help with. 

Edited July 7, 2020 by Disillusionment373