Eek! Moving in with my BF and his son

[introverted1]

I'm sorry about your cat, Dis.  Losing a pet is never easy. 😢

[Allupinnit]

*shrug*  I certainly am not being hateful.  But go right ahead with your ill-prepared plan.  Come back in 6 months and tell me I wasn't right.  

[Allupinnit]

Also, sorry about your baby.  

[lana-banana]

Dis, people are not being hateful, they're being harsh. I think if you were simply moving in too soon then you would just be getting some eye rolls and strong suggestions not to do this. But you are talking about a special needs child and insisting that you refuse to sacrifice your sleep. People are being harsh because you're being very selfish about this, and because of your established history of running headlong into situations that are obviously not good for you. People are being harsh on behalf of this poor kid, who certainly never asked for any of this, and who stands to have his already fragile emotional state upended by a grown woman who would really be happiest if she could just drink wine in her underwear.* As introverted1 said, "I am also concerned that you seem to be looking at this all through the prism of your own comfort and experience." This is just the completely wrong perspective to have about entering into any relationship, much less one that involves someone who can't consent (in this case, a special needs child). If you refuse to make personal sacrifices for a child then you aren't simply cut out for parenting.

 

* = to reiterate, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, at all! Be yourself! But trying to demand a child adjust to your wine-and-chill-and-sleep routines, rather than vice-versa, is a recipe for disaster. Children can absolutely tell when they're resented, and that can cause lifelong damage and trauma.

 

[Timshel]

Almost everyone can sympathize with losing a pet.  I won't ask what happened to kitty in the last few days that you were told a five year old shouldn't be expected to behave around the cat.

Take time to grieve and think about your future steps in your relationship Dis.  It's unlikely that ls advice will change though we certainly do not know the future of any relationship; no person here is an arbiter of life or your relationship.  I think it would be wise to seek individual counseling in your days off.  It will be a good reason to take a break from the apt. life and as a nurse, the relationship, step mom and ex issues there really couldn't be a better way to receive good guidance and a good ear to vent.

[Ami1uwant]

Have you done any trial living together before actually moving out of your place?

[BaileyB]

I would say that people are concerned. We are concerned because you are making a decision based on very unrealistic expectations. We are also extremely concerned for the child, because he has two adults making decisions that are clearly in their own best interests and putting him at risk of emotional distress and trauma. And while I would agree that nobody can predict the future, it’s pretty clear that this is an impulsive and poorly thought out decision. That is pretty darn unanimous. Ignore that fact at your own peril. But, just because we don’t agree with you doesn’t mean that we don’t have your best interest and the best interest of the child in mind. Sometimes it’s the advice that you really don’t want to hear, that you NEED to hear the most. It touches a nerve because you know there is some truth in what has been said...

Edited July 2, 2020 by BaileyB

[snowcones]

Why do you have to move in with him?

Do you want to have kids of your own?

[Mystery4u]

One thing I noticed is the title of this topic is probably without you even realising, showing exactly how you feel about the situation.

'Eek!' is not something you should feel when making a life changing decision such as the one you are making. It's used to express alarm and horror.....

Moving in with someone you love should be something you WANT and feels natural, and are looking forward to and excited about and will bring positivity and happiness into your life.

I guess nobody here understands why are you doing it, when it's so clear you don't want to? It seems like the only reason you are doing it, is because you are afraid you will never meet such a great guy again etc. Out of fear basically, that if you don't do it right now then he will leave you and find someone else. As if you have no choice in the matter.

Why can't you say "I'm not ready yet. Let's give it another 6-12 months so all 3 of us can spend more time together"? Not only would it be a much better option for you, but also for the son, which really in this situation should be the priority. If the boyfriend is as great as you claim he is then he will understand and it won't change anything between you two.

Don't make a decision out of fear and because you think you have no choice and have to do what your bf wants.

[Timshel]

8 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

Don't make a decision out of fear and because you think you have no choice and have to do what your bf wants.

I don't have the impression at all that Dis is passive and doing what her bf wants.  It seems to me the other way around.  This is what Dis wants, the eek is passive manipulative.  I mean, you bought it.

I do agree that fear is the driving force.

[Goodguy05]

I would advise you not to move in with him yet I too value sleep and last yr dated a girl for two months who snored kept me up all night lol it was terrible everytime she indicated she wanted to come and sleep I got anxious cause I knew it'd be rough for me and it was. Eventually I slept on the couch and that helped then bought another bed and put that in my study and then broke up lol it was too hard. I love travelling and started imagining what that would be like sleeping in a room together In a motel no getting away from her snoring just would not have worked it started impacting my health. Just some food for thought your fears are definatly warranted maybe put it off for now and try a dry run first and try staying there only for a week or 2 and still having your own place to go back to to see what it's going to be like that would be my suggestion good luck 

Edited July 3, 2020 by Goodguy05

[La.Primavera]

Do you currently own your home or are you just renting it?  

You're about to make a huge lifestyle change, which may or may not work for you.  I'm not going to judge whether it is the right or wrong decision.  Sometimes life is about taking risks, but having a good backup plan can certainly help to take the pressure off.

For that reason, I would advise you to not sell or give up the lease on your current home for at least a few months until you have settled in.  It would be good to have that as a back up option so you can return if things don't work out. You might be able to rent it out to help with the payments.    

Just a thought.

[Dis]

31 minutes ago, Timshel said:

I don't have the impression at all that Dis is passive and doing what her bf wants.  It seems to me the other way around.  This is what Dis wants, the eek is passive manipulative.  I mean, you bought it.

I do agree that fear is the driving force.

The "Eek" was me expressing I'm a little freaked out

 

I grew up with manipulative people and am the black sheep of the family because I'm not...and for a lot of other reasons but they're all reasons I'm proud of 

 

I'm fearful about this but also hopeful. It looks crazy on paper but sometimes crazy on paper isn't so crazy in real life

Edited July 3, 2020 by Disillusionment373

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I'm fearful about this but also hopeful. It looks crazy on paper but sometimes crazy on paper isn't so crazy in real life

That’s not been my experience. 

Hope is all well and good, but it’s no substitute for good old fashioned common sense - which seems to be really lacking here...

Edited July 3, 2020 by BaileyB

[Timshel]

Why are you 'freaked out' Dis?  None of this has to happen, all of this is in your control.  You do not have to move in with this guy on July 31st.  You do not need to rush a relationship with his son.  You don't need to be a part of worrying the mother of a five year old.  All of this is in your own control.

This is all brash and rash, with the potential for much unnecessary hurt and drama.  Keep your lease, if he is so great, he will appreciate your prudence and care.

[DKT3]

27 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

The "Eek" was me expressing I'm a little freaked out

 

I grew up with manipulative people and am the black sheep of the family because I'm not...and for a lot of other reasons but they're all reasons I'm proud of 

 

I'm fearful about this but also hopeful. It looks crazy on paper but sometimes crazy on paper isn't so crazy in real life

I'm not trying to encourage you,  but in 1992 a good high school friend of mine went to Arizona to visit his mom who was working there. He meet a 20 year old single mother of a one year old.  A week later he was back, two weeks later she came to visit him a few days later she went back to Arizona packed up her baby and 28 years later they are still married. Everyone said they were crazy, it couldn't work.

[Dis]

I guess this is why I'm doing this...

 

First off because I love him with all my heart and because I won't know if we have a future unless I live with him and his son. If I can't deal with that then none of this matters. 

 

Yes I could renew my lease for one more year but it will be a wasted year if I eventually move in a year from now and I can't do it

 

Why postpone the real test? 

[BaileyB]

I agree with Timshel. If this doesn’t feel good, you don’t have to change anything. This is completely in your control. And, there are a lot of little steps you can take to continue to move forward toward your goal, without completely upending everyone’s lives... You will NEVER regret taking more time to be sure this is right, taking more time to get to know his son. 

Moving in to see if YOU can handle living with a man who has a child because YOU don’t want to waste anymore of YOUR time is the absolute wrong reason to do this...

Edited July 3, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Just now, Disillusionment373 said:

Why postpone the real test? 

Because it’s not in the best interest of his son. Full stop.

[Dis]

9 hours ago, clia said:

I don't really understand what the rush is.  If he is planning to buy a house anyway, why not just wait until he buys a house?  Why move into a small apartment in an area you don't like?   

It's concerning to me that you are uprooting your entire life, moving in with him, etc., and yet he is planning to buy a house alone.  I'm not advocating buying property together before marriage, but you are clearly interested in marriage, the relationship is presumably moving along since you two are moving in together, and yet he is still choosing to buy a place alone, without you.  That isn't really the sign of a man who is planning a life with you, in my opinion.  He's still lumbering along on his own track.  I also don't think it's "sweet" that he's letting you help pick out the house.  That's very nice, but why aren't the two of you buying the house together?  

I will also just say that no matter where you live, a 5 year old is going to 100% affect your sleep and relaxation.  Even good kids are loud, messy, and chaotic.  

I can't buy a house right now because my credit is shot from my nursing school student loans 

 

Legit shot 

[Goodguy05]

I too pushed aside my fears for love my ex had two kids same ages 5 and 7 boy did I miss the mark I thought I knew what I was getting into after living at my place wth her kids for 6 mths I cracked I couldn't handle it and had to ask her to move out it was too much.. oh well you sound like you have made up your mind with this matter..you should really think about trialling it first see how it goes because I see that the renewing the lease coming up is playing a big factor in your decision making not good 

 

 

Edited July 3, 2020 by Goodguy05

[Dis]

To address the posters who I saying that I stated, "I hate kids"

 

I never, ever said that and I don't

 

Jeez

[Dis]

10 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Ok whoa whoa whoa, you haven't even moved in yet! Adjustment of any kind takes time. The kid will get used to sleeping in his own room if your BF stays persistent. Cats do adjust. I had a rescue that lived under the bed for 3 weeks....she got over it....now she rules to house. The ex will flex her muscles for the first while, eventually will lose interest, and move with her life. Before you move in, discuss boundaries and expectations, like chores, paying the bills, level of disciplining the kid, duties of the litter box, respecting privacy and personal property, etc. Once everyone gets settled in, you will all fall into a regular routine. It's not going to be THAT bad.

Phew...

 

Thank you for some positivity

 

I know it might not work out but jeez....not everything is doomed to fail 

 

We've already discussed who will pay what, boundaries with the ex, his son and my cat. 

 

We've had LOTS of talks and are in agreement about everything 

[Goodguy05]

20 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I guess this is why I'm doing this...

 

First off because I love him with all my heart and because I won't know if we have a future unless I live with him and his son. If I can't deal with that then none of this matters. 

 

Yes I could renew my lease for one more year but it will be a wasted year if I eventually move in a year from now and I can't do it

 

Why postpone the real test? 

I should add after her moving out we lasted a few more yrs but the relationship was never the same and it's obvious why. That living together then asking her to move out really changed everything it was never the same she felt unloved even though I did love her and it wasn't that I couldn't cope with the kids ...I should have waited till they were a little older because in the end it wasn't worth losing her or the relationship because she was a great partner and I haven't met someone like her since we split four yrs ago 

Edited July 3, 2020 by Goodguy05

[Dis]

11 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

As someone who married a man with children I agree 100% with whomever said you're in for a HUGE wake up call once you move in and this fantasy you have of playing happy family all becomes reality.

You think he's going to appreciate your new recipes?  LOL. He'll probably beg for Kraft dinner or whatever easy stuff his dad's been making for him up until you showed up, and healthy eating habits or going to be an uphill climb for you if his mom is allowing whatever at her house.  And it's going to frustrate you no end.

Then come your only days off - the ones you'll have the kid.  He'll probably be up at 6am or some other ungodly hour and busting into your room waking up his dad to come watch TV or make him cereal.  And, kids are LOUD.  They scream and yell.  They throw fits.  Maybe he throws things.  You're not going to be able to sleep through that in a 2 BR  apartment.  In fact it doesn't sound like you're ever going to have a day off to yourself if you move in with this guy unless you leave the house for some quiet.  And in an apartment you can't just send him outside to play.  

Oh and your TV?  You can kiss that good-bye until he goes to bed.  Cartoons all day every day.  Personally, I find children's cartoons very annoying.  LOL

I also feel sorry for your cat.  I suspect he/she is going to be spending a lot of time hiding under the bed to get away from this rambunctious five-year-old who will undoubtedly be grabby.

Please, I'm pleading with you for ALL of your sakes.  Especially this little boy whose world is about to be turned upside down again.  Take more time with this.  Sign another 6 month lease and spend more time over there with your bf and his son together.  Meeting him once and deciding to move in is insanity.  You have no idea what you're in for living with someone else's small child - you're not going to love him automatically and so all of these things are going to annoy you in a way that his father just won't see.  

You seem to think that moving in with your boyfriend is going to be all snuggles and family dinners and great sex with the boy in the background for the most part.  You may even come to dread your days off because it means spending them with the boy with no break.  

 

I'm actually expecting everything you mentioned

 

I'm just trying to focus on the positives

 

My cat who I had to put down was old and I was terrified at the thought of putting him into this situation. He was the sweetest, most gentle cat but he was also fragile. It wouldn't have been healthy for him. But my other cat is young and sassy. She'll be fine and I'll give her lot's of love. But let's be honest. People just don't allow themselves to never move because they have pets. She will adjust and I'll do everything I can to make this as easy as possible for her. 

 

My bf actually has a little TV for his son which he uses most of the day and my bf watches his shows or plays his video games on his TV. But they do watch his son's movies at night. I'm like you, I don't care for kid shows. I think they're annoying too. But we'll have a TV in the bedroom too. 

 

Like I said before, my bf says his son won't wake me up. I don't believe that though. His son's bedroom is right across from his. I think I'm going to get woken up a lot. 

 

The little guy is a picky eater so I know I won't change that but I would at least like to try to help him eat better. My bf is pretty heavy. He needs to eat better too. But yup, at the end of the day he's probably going to want his chicken nuggies and fries. 

 

I hope I don't dread my days off. I think I might though. At least until I get adjusted. I'm already planning on places I can go for a breather. Like the gym and the library. But I'm a homebody at heart so I don't really like being outside of the house too much. I feel happiest when I'm at home so it would really suck if it became a situation where my only peaceful place was hell. 

Edited July 3, 2020 by Disillusionment373