Will people who look young for their age only go for younger?

[snowcones]

6 minutes ago, Bluesky00 said:

For a woman “Looking young” won’t  last forever. For example a 45 year old woman who looks 27 shouldn’t even consider dating a 27 year old guy. Maybe it’s good for a one night stand but nothing long term. Seriously, women hit menopause, they “do” get wrinkles after 55. So who knows at what “age” an older woman who looks young will start aging 10 years. And most families will not accept their 25 year old son dating a 50 year old woman. And what happens next? She’s going to end up in the nursery home and he’s going to visit her?  

The OP said 5-10 years younger.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, Bluesky00 said:

For a woman “Looking young” won’t  last forever. For example a 45 year old woman who looks 27 shouldn’t even consider dating a 27 year old guy. Maybe it’s good for a one night stand but nothing long term. Seriously, women hit menopause, they “do” get wrinkles after 55. So who knows at what “age” an older woman who looks young will start aging 10 years. And most families will not accept their 25 year old son dating a 50 year old woman. And what happens next? She’s going to end up in the nursery home and he’s going to visit her?  

FWIW, guys lose the Ring of Power in the woods somewhere too at some point, roughly the same time women do. (In general.) This is when life finally catches up, health issues can become a concern, guys may by then be totally bald (balding can start much earlier than this), and wrinked, and women can get wrinkles... I don't know, at some point, for most people, the wheels just fall off. Not that fire doesn't remain in the furnace! But let's be real, aging is a thing. Not a crime. Not a sin. A thing. It just...is.

Unless you take really good care of yourself, and some people do. But obesity stats alone show that's not a majority, and so does health insurance data (for medications and hospitalizations).

(Present company excepted. I think we can agree that every man on LS is in more amazing shape than most 20-year-olds and every woman routinely gets mistaken for her daughter's sister - just getting that over and done with before I get yelled at. )

I mean I'm perhaps the lone weirdo who thinks aging is not a.punishable offense and believes people can still feel sexy and be active even WITH wrinkles (yes, really!) but...I feel like most people think they HAVE to look young, or else they seem ashamed? I see that a lot, everywhere. Even anonymously people rush to mention how they're the exception. It's that deep a thing...we're in a youth culture. Well, if we let ourselves be. I think some people are afraid that if they age, nobody will love them anymore. But that's just a theory. I don't actually know.

I do agree with you on looking young not necessarily equating to being young, healthy and open-minded or not. But that's just my take. As to the OP I find people of similar ages tend to look that way, not one looking super young. And I never wanted to date younger (significantly) but I may have already answered that. I don't remember. Speaking of getting old, LOL!

Edited July 3, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Trail Blazer]

12 hours ago, homecoming said:

I'm 36, but have been told I look WAY younger... People have mistaken me for ages from 19 to 28, and this young-looking appearance seems to run in the family. 

All of my partners have been younger than me, but I don't know if that's because I look young? I think I just feel more comfortable with those who are younger than me. 

I've had two partners that were 9/10 years younger than me, lol. Again though, think it's more to do with my personality than my looks. It probably says something about me that I don't really get on romantically with those of my age, but hey.

My girlfriend is exactly the same as you.  She's 36 but does not look a day older than 30.  In fact, since she went back to college six years ago, she's in her final year now, but this has somewhat exacerbated this looking younger situation.

In any case, my girlfriend has been hit on many times over the course of her time at University.  Guys much younger than her assume she's closer to her.  Lecturers also confuse her for being much, much younger than she is.

Having said that, she has zero interest in dating guys younger than her.  Whilst I am one younger than her, it's close enough to not matter.  In any case, she finds the idea of immature frat boys a complete turn-off at her age.  She wants to date men, not egotistical boys.

What is funny, however, is that she is really young at heart.  She describes herself as "immature" and she dresses like someone in her early 20s.  Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the short shorts and tiny tops, although the public stares by other males does get boring quickly. 

As far as I'm concerned, I've got the best of both worlds.  My girlfriend doesn't have kids and doesn't want any, she looks much younger than her age and acts like it (in a good way) but at the same time she has the intelligence and lofe experience to be a mature, practical person when required.

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I mean I'm perhaps the lone weirdo who thinks aging is not a.punishable offense and believes people can still feel sexy and be active even WITH wrinkles (yes, really!) but...I feel like most people think they HAVE to look young, or else they seem ashamed? I see that a lot, everywhere. Even anonymously people rush to mention how they're the exception. It's that deep a thing...we're in a youth culture. Well, if we let ourselves be. I think some people are afraid that if they age, nobody will love them anymore. But that's just a theory. I don't actually know.

My girlfriend said that she can't wait to see what I look like when I go gray as she thinks that silver foxes can be really hot.

Okay, so she may have said that tongue-in-cheek, but there's definitely a thing with a lot of women that older guys who are gray can be very attractive.  Take George Clooney for example.

It may sound bad, but women do not look attractive when they go gray, unless they're old enough to actually look like they should have gray hair - in which case, I would not be attracted to them per se.

I've been told that men who go gray can look "distinctive" (whatever that means), yet women who don't color their hair are seen to have "let themselves go."  Perhaps it's social conditioning, but I unashamedly do not like gray hair on women.

I remember about a year ago when pictures started publicly surfacing of Keanu Reeves' new girlfriend and he, with the fuss made about her full head of gray hair.  She was like nine years younger than him, if I remember correctly, yet she looked older than him with the gray hair.  And boy, was she publicly chastised for it.

[chillii]

Well , l'm 50s but apparently l look and seem a lot different to typically 50s and l know l am so l did need younger because l just don't have anything in common with women my age not unless she's like me herself but they were very few and far between and nothing evr come of it anyway, especially still in good working order. lt's always only been quite a bit younger that look at me in a serious way anyway, l think older women probably know at a glance we'd never be a match, as l do myself.

[CaliforniaGirl]

40 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

My girlfriend said that she can't wait to see what I look like when I go gray as she thinks that silver foxes can be really hot.

Okay, so she may have said that tongue-in-cheek, but there's definitely a thing with a lot of women that older guys who are gray can be very attractive.  Take George Clooney for example.

It may sound bad, but women do not look attractive when they go gray, unless they're old enough to actually look like they should have gray hair - in which case, I would not be attracted to them per se.

I've been told that men who go gray can look "distinctive" (whatever that means), yet women who don't color their hair are seen to have "let themselves go."  Perhaps it's social conditioning, but I unashamedly do not like gray hair on women.

I remember about a year ago when pictures started publicly surfacing of Keanu Reeves' new girlfriend and he, with the fuss made about her full head of gray hair.  She was like nine years younger than him, if I remember correctly, yet she looked older than him with the gray hair.  And boy, was she publicly chastised for it.

If he didn't care why should we? Good on him for not being a middle schooler scared of not impressing his friends. Some people grow out of that phase. 😆 Self-confident people don't need to use props to lift themselves, they already consider themselves lifted pretty much all the time, and one thing that can be said about Keanu, he's confident as hell.

Gray can be distinguished on a man, at least the right man and up until a certain point. But probably your girl is prepping both of you to accept the changes she can see already...she accepts that you're aging...do you accept it in her? You should. She sounds wonderful, and generous and kind.

 

Edited July 3, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Trail Blazer]

30 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

If he didn't care why should we? Good on him for not being a middle schooler scared of not impressing his friends. Some people grow out of that phase. 😆 Self-confident people don't need to use props to lift themselves, they already consider themselves lifted pretty much all the time, and one thing that can be said about Keanu, he's confident as hell.

Gray can be distinguished on a man, at least the right man and up until a certain point. But probably your girl is prepping both of you to accept the changes she can see aleady...she accepts that you're aging...do you accept it in her? You should. She sounds wonderful, and generous and kind.

 

Haha, well... the conversation about gray hair actually started when I noticed a few strands growing through on my hair for the first time.

The story goes that my girlfriend has a Nespresso machine at her house.  So, as I drank a coffee she'd just made me, I joked about how Nespresso machines actually turn average looking men into George Clooneys, with gray hair and all (lame joke I know). 

She replied, "I certainly hope its that, and not because I've been stressing you out."  I replied, " a little bit from column A, a little bit from column B" with a wry smirk on my face.

Then, the conversation delved further into it all.  She told me that she thinks I'd look good with gray, how many guys look good with gray, but that it doesn't look great on women.

If her mom and two older sisters are anything to go by, I won't have to worry about her looking old for a while, or ever letting gray grow out.  Her sisters are four and eight years older than her respectively, with neither looking their age.  Her 72-year-old mom spends a fortune on her hair, coloring it etc. (although COVID-19 has put the brakes on that recently).

I'm not sure if she's prepping us up for the changes that are coming, necessarily.  Perhaps, though... I really don't know.  What I do know, however, is that whilst I'd hardly call her neurotic, she certainly does everything in her power to retain her youthful looks.  From eating healthy, to exercise and moisturizing.  Hey, I'm certainly not complaining - that's a good thing from my perspective! 

[Ellener]

5 hours ago, Bluesky00 said:

For a woman “Looking young” won’t  last forever. For example a 45 year old woman who looks 27 shouldn’t even consider dating a 27 year old guy. Maybe it’s good for a one night stand but nothing long term. Seriously, women hit menopause, they “do” get wrinkles after 55. So who knows at what “age” an older woman who looks young will start aging 10 years. And most families will not accept their 25 year old son dating a 50 year old woman. And what happens next? She’s going to end up in the nursery home and he’s going to visit her?  

I don't see it as quite so bleak as I'm soon heading to the nursing home! but my experience of someone 25 years younger was- it is not 'dating', we didn't go anywhere but my place after the first few hours.

It's fun at first but he had serious stuff to get on with, making his way in life, all the stuff I did two decades ago.

After a failed relationship with an older friend next I signed up for OLD to see if I could connect less complicated to someone my own age. Still working on that!

Funny though, 29 year old was way more emotionally mature than some of the men online! He was kind, and happily met more of my friends than anyone else I've seen since. The sex was great. Temporary sex is better? 

Re. 'wrinkes' @Bluesky00 my skin does not bounce back these days, I either live perfect nutrition/daily exercise or I look old! Actually the biggest appearance thing this decade is- I look different day by day! 

 

 

[Ellener]

@Trail Blazer the whole silver fox thing...my dad looked so much like Joe Mantegna the actor does now all grey...

 

[Trail Blazer]

20 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

It depends. My GF is Filipina, she is younger than me, and she looks even younger still. She prefers men a little older because we (sometimes) have our life together and act better. Based on what I have seen, the culture in the Philippines has ladies dating older men even more often than here in the USA. I'd say your example is more of an exception rather than the rule. 

With that said, people who advance in their age but look younger or better will likely try to find someone that looks about as good as they do, which may mean finding someone younger. Besides, if you can get with someone younger and hotter, why wouldn't you want to do so? 

Hmmmm!  My (estranged) father in California, who left his second wife (my mom was his first wife) for a Filipino wife 27 years his junior, certainly felt the same way.  But hey, that's a whole different story!

I'm sorry if this comes across as a veiled judgement, but there is simply no way that he could attract an equally young American girl just on his own merits.  There does come a tipping point where you have to be honest and ask yourself, "is this too good to be true?"  Because, hey... we all know that if the answer is "yes" then it's usually because it is.

Ten years on and nine years of marriage, they are still together.  Despite what everyone said, she hasn't left him and taken him for all that he's worth... yet!  Having said that, even if she never does, if you look at it on balance, she's still way ahead of where she was 10 years ago from a quality of life.

I mean, let's put it into perspective; was a (back in 2010) 34-year-old woman living in Manila ever totally going to find a 61-year-old man (at the time) attractive?  If so, there were plenty of guys in Manila to date who were her dad's age.  Instead, she just happened to find an American man (she met online) more attractive than any other suitor in her home country.  Funny that...

I don't know what your sitiation is.  However, in general, I agree with you but only to a point.  The point it becomes transactional is the point where, at least in my opinion, that is where one draws the line.  I wouldn't want any part of that.

I would say that the lines can be somewhat blurred.  However, in the case of my father, it couldn't be any more clear cut; my dad has a slim and attractive (from his perspective) housewife at his beck and call.  She left poverty and is now living in a nice house in San Francisco and has financial security.  Need I say more?

I guess they both are winning in a way, should the arrangement not change.  So hey, each to their own.  But from my perspective, just because one can do something, doesn't necessarily mean they should do something.  

[Trail Blazer]

15 minutes ago, Ellener said:

@Trail Blazer the whole silver fox thing...my dad looked so much like Joe Mantegna the actor does now all grey...

 

Does he rock the whole mobster-esque Southern Italian demeanor as well (you know, Fat Tony from The Simpsons)?  Or, perhaps more the laid-back and in-control FBI agent? 😎

[elaine567]

For women height has something to do with it, short women are assumed to be younger.
Women with dainty petite figures are assumed to be younger.
Women who are on the heavier side can be assumed to be older.
Youthful shapes, small boobs, thin bodies are assumed to be younger.
Big boobs and butts can be ageing. The matronly look.
Dress - a big contributing factor as to assessment of age, if you dress like as student, many will assume you are a student... if you dress like your Mom many will assume you are a lot older...
Face - baby faces certainly make women look young and lack of wrinkles is a genetic  bonus as is being beautiful. Beautiful people are always assumed to be younger.
Movements - quick movements are associated with youth. Slow movements can add on years.
People who smile a lot and are full of life, tend to look and seem younger.

Truth is many have little idea of what age groups look like so will always err on the side of caution. They will think "Perhaps 35" and take off 10 years to be nice.
Also not everyone who is young actually looks young some are 20 going on 40.
Looking younger is not always a good look, looking 20 is good, looking about 12 isn't. If you look 12 and you are in your 20s, I guess people will add on a few years to their estimate to make you feel better...

People attract who they attract and there are no set rules.
So the answer to the question is, as it almost always is, "It depends"
 

 

[QuietRiot]

3 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Hmmmm!  My (estranged) father in California, who left his second wife (my mom was his first wife) for a Filipino wife 27 years his junior, certainly felt the same way.  But hey, that's a whole different story!

I'm sorry if this comes across as a veiled judgement, but there is simply no way that he could attract an equally young American girl just on his own merits.  There does come a tipping point where you have to be honest and ask yourself, "is this too good to be true?"  Because, hey... we all know that if the answer is "yes" then it's usually because it is.

Ten years on and nine years of marriage, they are still together.  Despite what everyone said, she hasn't left him and taken him for all that he's worth... yet!  Having said that, even if she never does, if you look at it on balance, she's still way ahead of where she was 10 years ago from a quality of life.

I mean, let's put it into perspective; was a (back in 2010) 34-year-old woman living in Manila ever totally going to find a 61-year-old man (at the time) attractive?  If so, there were plenty of guys in Manila to date who were her dad's age.  Instead, she just happened to find an American man (she met online) more attractive than any other suitor in her home country.  Funny that...

I don't know what your sitiation is.  However, in general, I agree with you but only to a point.  The point it becomes transactional is the point where, at least in my opinion, that is where one draws the line.  I wouldn't want any part of that.

I would say that the lines can be somewhat blurred.  However, in the case of my father, it couldn't be any more clear cut; my dad has a slim and attractive (from his perspective) housewife at his beck and call.  She left poverty and is now living in a nice house in San Francisco and has financial security.  Need I say more?

I guess they both are winning in a way, should the arrangement not change.  So hey, each to their own.  But from my perspective, just because one can do something, doesn't necessarily mean they should do something.  

I have a friend, he's kind of a player, that bragged about he banged a married Filipina woman. Apparently, she married some old guy that can't get it up...so they barely have sex anyway (kind of a waste), and there-in where the affair happened. I guess she felt justified, as she was only a green card marriage....and my friend didn't feel bad about it one- i-ota. She shared with him her husband's sexual inadequacies. 

So it wouldn't' surprise me that some of these foreign women start seeking out affairs with men...closer to their age, to have an affair with.

Edited July 3, 2020 by QuietRiot

[Roswell91]

4 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

I have a friend, he's kind of a player, that bragged about he banged a married Filipina woman. Apparently, she married some old guy that can't get it up...so they barely have sex anyway (kind of a waste), and there-in where the affair happened. I guess she felt justified, as she was only a green card marriage....and my friend didn't feel bad about it one- i-ota. She shared with him her husband's sexual inadequacies. 

So it wouldn't' surprise me that some of these foreign women start seeking out affairs with men...closer to their age, to have an affair with.

Those women should not be marrying in the first place then. 

[Ellener]

6 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Does he rock the whole mobster-esque Southern Italian demeanor as well (you know, Fat Tony from The Simpsons)?  Or, perhaps more the laid-back and in-control FBI agent? 😎

He was working class northern england! so no, but when the ads come on for the new Criminal Minds ( detective show in US ) it's like he's back!

[Ellener]

6 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

She left poverty and is now living in a nice house in San Francisco and has financial security.  Need I say more?

I guess they both are winning in a way, should the arrangement not change.  So hey, each to their own.  But from my perspective, just because one can do something, doesn't necessarily mean they should do something.  

At some point she'll be challenged to take care of him maybe, and that will show her character. But it sounds like she's simply found happiness and security which is what anyone would want from a marriage, contrived or not. One of my friends who had loads of choices anywhere married a man here more than twice her age, I said at the time she must really love him deeply because he's not a pleasant person on the face of it, and other people said it was for the money/green card. They've been married 15 years and do loads of things together. She's basically given up the idea of children but she seems content and they are very affectionate with each other.

 

[QuietRiot]

53 minutes ago, Ellener said:

At some point she'll be challenged to take care of him maybe, and that will show her character. But it sounds like she's simply found happiness and security which is what anyone would want from a marriage, contrived or not. One of my friends who had loads of choices anywhere married a man here more than twice her age, I said at the time she must really love him deeply because he's not a pleasant person on the face of it, and other people said it was for the money/green card. They've been married 15 years and do loads of things together. She's basically given up the idea of children but she seems content and they are very affectionate with each other.

 

Someone said I should give a Filipina bride a try. Sign up for one of those programs even. I think that's a culture that is good about not ever caring about looks or status. I could pick a relatively cute Filipina, and she'd likely have no problem with my height, lack of sculptured body,  or job/career choice.

[snowcones]

31 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

Someone said I should give a Filipina bride a try. Sign up for one of those programs even. I think that's a culture that is good about not ever caring about looks or status. I could pick a relatively cute Filipina, and she'd likely have no problem with my height, lack of sculptured body,  or job/career choice.

Have you ever seen the show '90 Day Fiance'?  It's all the rage.

[Trail Blazer]

4 hours ago, enigma32 said:

@Trail BlazerAll relationships are transactional, my friend. If you don't believe me, stop giving your GF/wife whatever it is she is looking for from you and see how long she sticks around. It's just a matter of what it is you get from one another.

As to your father, can you blame him? Despite what the naysayers have said about his wife, she has stuck by him when it's very likely other ladies here would not have. That doesn't even take into account what you mentioned, the fact that his wife is gorgeous compared to the ladies he could attract here. 

I'll put it bluntly; my father doesn't have a good track record for treating women right.  He treated my mom like trash, cheating on her, verbal abuse etc.  He treated his second wife terribly, verbally abusing her etc.  Yeah, so neither woman put up with his crap, so that just enraged him and made him an even bigger bully.  

The kicker was when he signed up to whatever online program it was to meet his Filipina bride (by that point he and I were estranged, so excuse me if I come across as uneducated by how the process works) whilst his second wife was still recovering from breast cancer.  He left her whilst she was still recovering from having a double mastectomy.

So yeah, I can blame him for what he did, but I concede that the way he went about it is mutually exclusive to whether or not he did anything wrong in terms of seeking his Filipina bride in its own right.  I guess I just know that he would have been attracted to her subservience as much as he would have salivated at the idea of having relative arm-candy in tow whilst plant shopping at Home Depot on a Sunday.

As for my girl, there's a clear and distinct difference between my relationship and that of my father's.  My girlfriend is attracted to me, for the person I am, and my genuine self is what brings value to her life.  The feeling is mutual in that respect.  Everything seems more, how shall I put it... balanced.

Yeah, sure, if I stop treating her with decency and respect, what value do I bring to her life?  She's an intelligent and very attractive woman.  She could next me at a moment's notice and replace me instantly.  Or, she could go it alone, since she's self-sufficient and very independent and capable.  She doesn't need a man in her life, however, thankfully, she wants your's truly in her life.

I've got no doubt that my father takes advantage of the subservient nature of his wife.  I may be projecting here, but I can't in any way fathom how their relationship is built on mutual respect.  She chose him because of a lifestyle she could never had hoped for in her home country.  He chose her because no woman her age, attractive or other wise, would want anything to do with him. 

My father is certainly not rich enough to attract gold diggers, but he's got everything a Filipina woman needs to make herself a life a lot more comfortable than she would have ever have been accustomed to in her own country.

The degrees to which our relationships are different are hardly nuanced; in fact, they're poles apart.  Please understand that I'm not judging you, nor am I painting every relationship between a western man and Asian woman with the same brush. 

However, what I am saying is that, in the case of my father, the value he brings is purely situational, hence the leverage only works when used on someone from a disadvantaged background.  

Edited July 3, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[SumGuy]

21 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Kind of a chicken and the egg thing. Do people look younger because they’re immature (I.e still like doing “young” things, dressing young etc.)? Or are people that look young treated / seen as being younger and therefore attract younger mates?

At my age "look younger" mean just that, wrinkles, skin tone, muscle tone, gray hair, etc. etc.  Don't think I or the women I date look young for their age, everyone else just looks old for theirs. :)   Age to me is only a proxy for someone who may align with me on cultural references and life stage, otherwise don't really care.

[snowcones]

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

At some point she'll be challenged to take care of him maybe, and that will show her character. But it sounds like she's simply found happiness and security which is what anyone would want from a marriage, contrived or not. One of my friends who had loads of choices anywhere married a man here more than twice her age, I said at the time she must really love him deeply because he's not a pleasant person on the face of it, and other people said it was for the money/green card. They've been married 15 years and do loads of things together. She's basically given up the idea of children but she seems content and they are very affectionate with each other.

 

Do you ever think about the millions of people in non-western cultures who have arranged marriages?  Do you ever think about how they do it?  One absolutely can marry for security and predictability and that is what brings them happiness. They're not concerned about anything else.  There are lots of people like this, and I don't see anything wrong it, personally. Everyone is different, you know?   I think two people who get together who are like this are a match made in heaven really. They are exactly the folks who should end up together.  I am certainly not that way and that's why I'm still single.  I want more than security.   If I were that way I would have long since been coupled up, because there is no shortage of guys who just want a cute lady who smiles and goes places with him.

Edited July 3, 2020 by snowcones

[CaliforniaGirl]

56 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

Someone said I should give a Filipina bride a try. Sign up for one of those programs even. I think that's a culture that is good about not ever caring about looks or status. I could pick a relatively cute Filipina, and she'd likely have no problem with my height, lack of sculptured body,  or job/career choice.

A try??? Dude...

Anyway, there's no shame in this but I mean...do you also hope to...I don't know, at least get along with her? You describe the benefit here as if you're choosing a horse. 😳 She needs to be cute, and not mind someone heavy. These are your criteria for choosing a mate?

You might give a human being with feelings a try...at you enjoying her looks...and she's moving now many miles away from her family and anything she's ever known...oh man... 

Will you love her?

Will you at least like her?

I know you're a nice man but this....it sounds like you're choosing the nicest looking Arabian. Sometimes I wonder about people's hearts.

[QuietRiot]

7 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

A try??? Dude...

Anyway, there's no shame in this but I mean...do you also hope to...I don't know, at least get along with her? You describe the benefit here as if you're choosing a horse. 😳 She needs to be cute, and not mind someone heavy. These are your criteria for choosing a mate?

You might give a human being with feelings a try...at you enjoying her looks...and she's moving now many miles away from her family and anything she's ever known...oh man... 

Will you love her?

Will you at least like her?

I know you're a nice man but this....it sounds like you're choosing the nicest looking Arabian. Sometimes I wonder about people's hearts.

No, not at all like that. Don't judge too harshly. When I was talking to some friends about how hard it is dating in America, they said maybe I should give that option a "try". Not in a way to "try out a horse" Cripes...don't blow it out of proportion. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

45 minutes ago, snowcones said:

Do you ever think about the millions of people in non-western cultures who have arranged marriages?  Do you ever think about how they do it?  One absolutely can marry for security and predictability and that is what brings them happiness. They're not concerned about anything else.  There are lots of people like this, and I don't see anything wrong it, personally. Everyone is different, you know?   I think two people who get together who are like this are a match made in heaven really. They are exactly the folks who should end up together.  I am certainly not that way and that's why I'm still single.  I want more than security.   If I were that way I would have long since been coupled up, because there is no shortage of guys who just want a cute lady who smiles and goes places with him.

I'm not the person you quoted but I've read quite a bit about this. In MANY cultures the couple actually pick eachother, or see one another first, sometimes meet and date first and if they just don't like one a other that absolutely will be taken into consideration. The family would forbid or try to forbid a seriously bad (per traditional rules) union, and if there would be actual shame brought to the family, and officially the family makes the final decision. But most parents in various arranged marriage cultures aren't so cruel as to throw together two people who have never met and don't have at least some sort of hots for one another, or who have met or at least seen one another and just really don't want that particular person.

This was even true a hundred years ago or more...again, very unofficially under the table. But even in old India and in old China, meaning centuries ago, and centuries ago among sects of orthodox Jews that practiced arranged marriage, as a few examples, there are many literary references (and romances and tragedies) to couples quietly petitioning their parents to allow their  marriage. Except with royalty.

Now there are still strict families who absolutely cold-marry couples, if you will. But that's far from all or, nowadays, even most. Nevertheless societal and family pressures keep couples together in India in particular. Usually, it isn't romantic love or sexual heat doing it. You are ostracized out the yin-yang in some Indian families of you shame the family with divorce. (I'm not sure about other cultures.) No, security is NOT all "they" care about. "They" are human beings with feelings and life is no longer as cruel as it was in the fourteenth century.

This idea of men just being assigned a bride is usually based on a lot of daydreams about, if ever, many generations ago and the thought process is that this wife handed sight unseen to her groom is going to be young and hot. And just so much more obedient than a "Western" or "feminist" American wife. I mean...possibly a big nope. On all counts. Ditto the guy.

It sort of bothers me that anyone would *want* to be with someone who possibly just wished she could get away (or he) but can't because they'd both become complete pariahs and break their parents' hearts and so on. These cultures aren't stupid. They aren't isolated. They see how much of the rest of the world gets to choose. 

Edited July 3, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[CaliforniaGirl]

34 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

No, not at all like that. Don't judge too harshly. When I was talking to some friends about how hard it is dating in America, they said maybe I should give that option a "try". Not in a way to "try out a horse" Cripes...don't blow it out of proportion. 

I do think you're a nice person. It was just the way you put it, and generally that's how it tends to be phrased...look overseas, get a hot obedient wife or young wife one could never get in the U.S. or whatever...you have to admit it all sounds pretty cold. 

I know I'll hear now about all the true love unions this way but...forgive me for being sceptical when it's pretty much always initially presented this way....hey, check out (whatever poor or repressed country), you can "get" a hot wife that way.

Just make sure you're really loved if you go this route and fall for someone. Poverty is bad in the Philippines. Very, very bad. I'm sure you know what I'm getting at.

 

Edited July 3, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl