Family Refuses to Social Distance Now We Can't Visit!

[Spring1234]

My family and I were supposed to go to a 4th of July BBQ at my cousin's house. There would be 11 adults and 3 kids. However, I just found out they just came back from a trip and a few other adults have been seeing friends, family and indoor dining. There would be 5 households coming together. I was uncomfortable to begin with about sharing a BBQ and then when I heard they've all be out I asked can my family who are 60+, high blood pressure come the next day and we'll order in and be outside. We are really close with these cousins and haven't seen them in months. I just thought us coming separate, being outside and not sharing communal food would be safer. My cousin doesn't understand why we can't come the 4th and thinks I'm being too cautious. They don't want to be outside the whole time and I said well when we go in the house can we social distance and they don't want to. 

They just said I'm not ready and made it seem like until I am ready to not social distance and go back to normal then I guess we can't get together.

What should we do? We love seeing the kids, but I think we are compromising. 

Edited July 2, 2020 by Spring1234

[FMW]

You should do what makes you comfortable, there is no reason to do things exactly as they wish and feel uncomfortable. 

If you would feel ok with it, maybe just attend while the activities are outside, don't hang around inside except to use the bathroom.  

There are stories in the news every week lately of families and groups of friends who have had gatherings that resulted in a high number of COVID infections.  Not that you need to, but maybe bring those stories to the attention of the family members who don't understand your reticence.  

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

just attend while the activities are outside

I think that too. If I go anywhere and feel uncomfortable I'll back off, maybe leave. I would not get into a family dynamics 'thing' with it, people who make others comfortable will say 'do what you want'. That's often not how families work...

[Spring1234]

It's just the communal BBQ would be an issue for us and the other people at the BBQ won't social distance. They don't really want to be outside.

My compromise was to come another day and order in outside, but my cousin said she doesn't think I'm ready to visit and wish I would have told her sooner I wanted to stay outside and social distance. I just thought it was assumed. I can't imagine why you would want people in your home anyway.

Why do they care if we want to stay outside, we're there to play with the kids who love being outside. We usually have outside visits in the summer anyway. 

I rather order in and not have a buffet style with others.

I just don't understand why we can't meet half way. I just think we need to adapt to a new normal and being outside ordering in is the safest thing. 

The virus is contagious and they haven't been isolated, so just playing it safe. I miss the kids, but she said I can't come until I'm ready for a normal visit mainly inside with no social distancing. 

[FMW]

16 minutes ago, Spring1234 said:

she said I can't come

I think that's really insensitive of her.  There should be room for a compromise to accommodate your concerns.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do that you haven't already done.  You explained your concerns, she explained she wouldn't change her position.  I certainly would not recommend attending given the circumstances.  

[BaileyB]

If you live in an area that has a lot of flu activity, I wouldn’t attend. It would be really difficult, but I wouldn’t attend. 

There are just too many stories now of families would felt safe enough to gather, and half the attendees are diagnosed with COVID. People crying during their tv interview, because they have lost their parents, their grandparents..

As has been said, I don’t know what else you could do. You have voiced your concerns, you have suggested reasonable accommodations, with no response. The only other thing that you can do is stay home. 

Edited July 3, 2020 by BaileyB

[Spring1234]

Thanks for the replies. I finally said today again I'll be comfortable outside ordering in and being in the house for short cool off periods but with social distancing. Her reply was she knows the kids will want me to play in their room. I can't believe she wants people upstairs in bedrooms. She just doesn't think I'm ready to come over since I have concerns about the virus. I just said I am adapting to a new normal since the virus isn't going away. I just can't understand why being outside ordering in is not the best compromise. The virus has changed things and I can't just come over like old times, people are getting sick out there. I just can't believe I won't be able to see my little cousins 😥

[BaileyB]

I’m so sorry. I have nieces and nephews that I love to spend time with and we have not been together indoors since February. There is quite literally NO cases of infection where I live but we gather outside to play - they are not comfortable with people in their home and I have respectfully kept my distance, even when outside. You are not alone in your concern, it’s unfortunate that your family isn’t more supportive.

Edited July 3, 2020 by BaileyB