Suddenly he's 'not ready to date'

[Hopeful30]

Got a long and apologetic message that wasn't very clear, but basically mumbled about how he got out of a difficult relationship and isn't ready to date because he is thinking about his ex. "That's where my head is at."

Why the sudden epiphany? It's been several weeks since we started chatting. We met up a few times, and he even changed his schedule last minute (cancelled other plans) so he could see me on my drive home from work one day (which I thought was an example of his interest and desire).

Of course, "not ready to date" could be an excuse that he changed his mind. After all, when you meet someone you genuinely like, you want to continue with them regardless if your last relationship was a messy one, no? Did it really take 6 weeks for him to realize he's not ready to date? I thought things were going well. I'm trying not to take this personally.

*sigh* and here I was ready to ravish his sex organs 🤷‍♂️ looks like my loveless streak continues...

[FMW]

He might have been interested in you and felt like he wanted to pursue things, but after six weeks realized that his ex kept popping into his mind and stressing him out about the situation and that wasn't going away.  Not being ready to move on is a real thing, so I wouldn't discount that he's telling you the truth.  

But, as I'm sure you know, that just means he's not the guy for you, so good to know before wasting more time.  

[Miss Spider]

You could be dating someone for a year and decide you don't want to date them anymore. People change their minds all the time

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry honey.  Given the cliched nature of the reason, you have to conclude it's something else.  The reason doesn't matter as much as the fact that he has chosen not to move forward with you.  I'm sorry about that but I'm proud of you & happy for you that you are trying & moving forward in your life.  

[Fresh_Start]

Since you were already worried about the size of his tickle stick, then maybe he just did you a favor.

On a more serious note:

What do you think it is that is contributing to your "loveless streak"?  This is not the first time I've seen you lament it.  When there is something you need to learn, something that you need to work on, the same situation will continue to repeat itself until you either learn your lesson or find a healthy way of dealing with that particular issue.

[Hopeful30]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm sorry honey.  Given the cliched nature of the reason, you have to conclude it's something else.  The reason doesn't matter as much as the fact that he has chosen not to move forward with you.  I'm sorry about that but I'm proud of you & happy for you that you are trying & moving forward in your life.  

I wish I could know the reason. It's possible this is why I've been perpetually single. Without knowing the true reason, I can't work on that area of myself to improve.

[Hopeful30]

2 minutes ago, Fresh_Start said:

Since you were already worried about the size of his tickle stick, then maybe he just did you a favor.

On a more serious note:

What do you think it is that is contributing to your "loveless streak"?  This is not the first time I've seen you lament it.  When there is something you need to learn, something that you need to work on, the same situation will continue to repeat itself until you either learn your lesson or find a healthy way of dealing with that particular issue.

A part of the reason is I'm selective. Ive even deprioritized sexual chemistry to increase my chances (since sexual chemistry appears to be the most difficult compatibility to find).

The other reasons I'm not sure. I've been told how great I am, but from first glance I appear 'too serious'. I've asked friends what this could mean, they say they're unsure but they get the same vibe. 

Is it because I don't drink? That I'm not a party animal? That I value sex as more than carnal pleasure? Because I don't waste money on goodies since I have bigger financial responsibilities? Then on the flip side you hear things like "laid back, open minded, funny, great wifey material" and I get even more confused. 

I'm a great catch, yet there is something about me that men are intimidated by / afraid of. If only they knew that deep down I just want someone to love and spoil 

[d0nnivain]

16 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I wish I could know the reason. It's possible this is why I've been perpetually single. Without knowing the true reason, I can't work on that area of myself to improve.

Understood but that presumes he has the answers / key to your life.  He probably doesn't.  It was probably something as banal as you didn't sleep with him fast enough or he met another woman.  

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

Ive even deprioritized sexual chemistry to increase my chances...

Meaning what?  You're willing to forfeit sexual chemistry just to have a boyfriend?  

That could be the issue, a man need to know a woman sexually desires him, feels sexual chemistry with him, and if he doesn't feel that from her, it's over for him.

Not to mention genuine chemisrty is mutual and if you're not feeling it, he's not either.

Most men aren't willing to forfeit that to increase their chances of getting a gf, which may be why this guy and others have dumped you. 

Just some things to consider. 

Edited July 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[contel3]

Honestly I think he did you a favor. I mean that's the guy you were worried had a small peepee, who exasperated you because he had no sexual energy and who babbled about fetishes on the first date.....I mean obviously it wasn't working for either one of you. 

Now you can find someone who truly lits your fire😜

[Hopeful30]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Meaning what?  You're willing to forfeit sexual chemistry just to have a boyfriend?  

Yes. It's the element that has always been lacking despite meeting wonderful guys. I've even questioned my sexuality because of that. I eventually realized that no, I want and love c*ck, but can't seem to find a man that evokes this desire in me while also being husband material (and Visa versa).

[Hopeful30]

3 minutes ago, contel3 said:

Honestly I think he did you a favor. I mean that's the guy you were worried had a small peepee, who exasperated you because he had no sexual energy and who babbled about fetishes on the first date.....I mean obviously it wasn't working for either one of you. 

Now you can find someone who truly lits your fire😜

Thank you for this 🙏 intellectually I know this is just how dating works (win some lose some). Its not personal...but it touches a sensitive nerve for me. I hate being a relationship person who is single. It's not supposed to work that way lol

 

[d0nnivain]

Hopeful30 

We went over this ad nauseum in your "settling" thread.  Your picker is off.  This guy was a good step forward for you.  It's not about you getting all hot & bothered.  

[Fox Sake]

28 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I wish I could know the reason. It's possible this is why I've been perpetually single. Without knowing the true reason, I can't work on that area of myself to improve.

Why not just believe that’s he told the truth of his reasoning ? It isn’t always your fault.

However , if you dated and fooled around for 6 weeks and didn’t have sex , that would be a reasonable place to start looking for hidden motivation if you don’t believe what he had to say. He was already very insecure about a lot of things and his ex probably had a big part to play in those feelings. 

[Hopeful30]

By the way, I want to say THANK YOU to all posters!! It's helpful that we can be honest and forthcoming about these matters. It's really a benefit to be anonymous and nameless on a forum, because you can share honest opinions. Friends and family are always biased.

So thanks )) hopefully one day I will make a post that says "MARRIED. BYE BITCHES!" Lol 

[stillafool]

His ex may have contacted him and that put her back on his mind.  It's probably as simple as that.  Oh well, on wards and upwards.

[smackie9]

Ya when they do a 180 that usually means someone else is involved and most likely it's the ex. All it takes is a text, and boom they are pulled right back in.

[Giovane]

(Disclaimer: You seem to have been writing about your dating life for a while now, as other posters keep referring to previous threads. I haven't read any of that and just go by what I see right here. I may be way off.)

Quote

I'm a great catch, yet there is something about me that men are intimidated by / afraid of.

That kind of statement always strikes me as rather self-serving and condescending. Maybe it's what you need to overcome your frustration right now (I hope you succeed, I know the feeling!). Then again, maybe it's part of the problem.

[contel3]

38 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

So thanks )) hopefully one day I will make a post that says "MARRIED. BYE BITCHES!" Lol 

I think we all know that's not how it works LOL Once you're a Loveshacker, you stay on here for life! 

"Hi guys, I'm back. I married my husband two years ago. Everything was looking good, until he started his new job. He's been so stressed out we haven't had sex in 6 months!! Also, he let himself go and has become really chubby and I'm not sure I'm attracted to him anymore." LOL

Edited July 3, 2020 by contel3

[Fresh_Start]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

A part of the reason is I'm selective. Ive even deprioritized sexual chemistry to increase my chances (since sexual chemistry appears to be the most difficult compatibility to find).

This is contradictory.  You say that you're selective and then in the very next sentence you mention deprioritizing an integral component to having a successful and fulfilling relationship.  You've made your sexual appetites pretty clear in some of your other threads that I've seen so deprioritizing something that is very important to you is a mistake that you can learn from.  Never settle for less than what you want or deserve or it'll just create problems for you on down the road.  

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

The other reasons I'm not sure. I've been told how great I am, but from first glance I appear 'too serious'. I've asked friends what this could mean, they say they're unsure but they get the same vibe. Is it because I don't drink? That I'm not a party animal?

Not drinking or being a party animal is actually a good trait depending on how old you are.  I only have a drink or two when I go out on dates -- and not every time.  Alcohol packs a lot of empty calories that I don't like putting into my body because they don't positively contribute to my physique or my weight lifting/bodybuilding goals.  For the same reasons, I'm not a party animal.  Nobody has ever referred to me as being too serious so I don't think that's the reason.

If you're giving off a "too serious" vibe then maybe you just need to relax a little bit and try to have a little more fun, not with alcohol and partying, but with a good sense of humor.  That's not to say you have to be the next great standup comedian, but laugh more, smile more, be positive and outgoing, and try to get more joy out of life and the people you come into contact with.

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

That I value sex as more than carnal pleasure? Because I don't waste money on goodies since I have bigger financial responsibilities? Then on the flip side you hear things like "laid back, open minded, funny, great wifey material" and I get even more confused. 

All good traits so this is definitely not the problem.  I understand your confusion though when you're hearing such conflicting things.  Being described as "too serious" is the polar opposite of being "laid back, open minded, and funny". Maybe you're inconsistent or send mixed signals and messages?

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

I'm a great catch, yet there is something about me that men are intimidated by / afraid of. If only they knew that deep down I just want someone to love and spoil 

Knowing that you're a great catch is a very positive thing.  If the men you're coming into contact with are intimidated by or afraid of a great catch then you've been dating a bunch of pantywaists.  Is that just bad luck or are you attracting (or pursuing) the wrong types of men for some of the reasons we're discussing?  If "deep down [you] want someone to love and spoil" it's possible that you're projecting a bit of desperation and neediness in some of your mannerisms, words, and actions that are occurring at more of a subconscious level.  We all want that out of relationships, but if it comes out too strong or too soon it can certainly be to your detriment.

This is a lot to sort through with much of it being conflicting and contradictory.  However, when negative patterns emerge in our lives it always behooves us to spend some time in honest and genuine introspection.  Most often, we are the cause of those patterns and engage in some form of behavior that perpetuates them.  

Edited July 3, 2020 by Fresh_Start

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe his ex told him she wants to try again or something. 

It isn't always about something you did or didn't do. 

[lana-banana]

40 minutes ago, contel3 said:

I think we all know that's not how it works LOL Once you're a Loveshacker, you stay on here for life!

Can confirm! Marriage isn't the end of the road, it's the start of a new one! But it is crazy to think I joined this site as someone dating and now my biggest relationship drama is "why does my kitten demand kisses at 3 AM?"

[Gaeta]

I don't have much to add. Don't give up! There is nothing wrong with you, I don't drink, never did and it was never a problem in my dating days. Stay away from men recently seperated it's one of the most important dating rules. Second rule, beleive you will meet a great guy, it can come across as cliché but it's true, it's hard to find someone when we don't even beleive he exists. 

Edited July 3, 2020 by Gaeta

[Roswell91]

3 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

I wish I could know the reason. It's possible this is why I've been perpetually single. Without knowing the true reason, I can't work on that area of myself to improve.

Most men on this forum would say you're aiming too high or far out of your league. 

It could be one possible reason out of many others though.

 

Edited July 3, 2020 by Roswell91

[Roswell91]

4 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Got a long and apologetic message that wasn't very clear, but basically mumbled about how he got out of a difficult relationship and isn't ready to date because he is thinking about his ex. "That's where my head is at."

Why the sudden epiphany? It's been several weeks since we started chatting. We met up a few times, and he even changed his schedule last minute (cancelled other plans) so he could see me on my drive home from work one day (which I thought was an example of his interest and desire).

Of course, "not ready to date" could be an excuse that he changed his mind. After all, when you meet someone you genuinely like, you want to continue with them regardless if your last relationship was a messy one, no? Did it really take 6 weeks for him to realize he's not ready to date? I thought things were going well. I'm trying not to take this personally.

*sigh* and here I was ready to ravish his sex organs 🤷‍♂️ looks like my loveless streak continues...

I don't  think hes making it up. No guy is going to bring his ex into it if it really had nothing to do with her.

As another poster said feelings change at the drop of a hat. Maybe at the start he was ready to see someone new but as time went on those missing  the ex feels came creeping back in.