Suddenly he's 'not ready to date'

[Roswell91]

3 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Yes. It's the element that has always been lacking despite meeting wonderful guys. I've even questioned my sexuality because of that. I eventually realized that no, I want and love c*ck, but can't seem to find a man that evokes this desire in me while also being husband material (and Visa versa).

Yeh basically ones you're attracted to are not attracted to you in the same way.

 

[Ruby Slippers]

Sorry it didn't work out. 

Did you find out upfront how long he's been single? I always ask this to make sure he's not in a rebound mindset = waste of time.

As for your dating woes, I understand the frustration. Try not to beat yourself up about it. Some people can settle down with just about anybody, and others are much more particular simply due to our nature. We are who we are. Might as well embrace it and make the best of it.

[Cookiesandough]

4 hours ago, Fresh_Start said:

Since you were already worried about the size of his tickle stick, then maybe he just did you a favor.

On a more serious note:

What do you think it is that is contributing to your "loveless streak"?  This is not the first time I've seen you lament it.  When there is something you need to learn, something that you need to work on, the same situation will continue to repeat itself until you either learn your lesson or find a healthy way of dealing with that particular issue.

Also she rejected his kiss on a first date, I think. He was also talking about a bunch of kinky stuff? If I had to put money on it, I'd say he was looking for casual([perhaps bc stuck on his ex),  but 6 weeks in and he could tell that probably was not going to the case and OP was looking for serious, but he did not feel  enough there for a rship, so he ended it.

 

Edited July 3, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Hopeful30]

6 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Did you find out upfront how long he's been single? I always ask this to make sure he's not in a rebound mindset = waste of time.

I never thought about asking this. I just assume that if someone is dating, it's because they're ready to date. If they're not ready, then why would they be dating? I suppose not everyone approaches it the same way I do.

[Ruby Slippers]

4 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I never thought about asking this. I just assume that if someone is dating, it's because they're ready to date. If they're not ready, then why would they be dating? I suppose not everyone approaches it the same way I do.

I used to think like this. I'm honest and sincere, so surely everyone is, right? WRONG!

This is one of the points I absolutely discuss before ever agreeing to talk on the phone. If he's been divorced less than a year, he's an absolute no-go for me. For dating, I tend to use the 50% rule. If he's been single for 3 months after a 6-month relationship, that seems like enough time to me. If it's been only a month, too soon. 

Because of this, I've NEVER found myself dealing with a rebound situation, or with a guy who was back in touch with his ex.

[Roswell91]

18 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I never thought about asking this. I just assume that if someone is dating, it's because they're ready to date. If they're not ready, then why would they be dating? I suppose not everyone approaches it the same way I do.

Not everyone has the best intentions. Some start dating to get over the ex, some want casual no strings  attached, Some do it for attention.

Whatever  the reason, it is found out soon enough anyway

 

Edited July 3, 2020 by Roswell91

[lana-banana]

36 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I never thought about asking this. I just assume that if someone is dating, it's because they're ready to date. If they're not ready, then why would they be dating? I suppose not everyone approaches it the same way I do.

You are correct. If someone is on a dating site then they want to date on at least some level. In my experience, things like "I'm not ready" or "I'm too busy" were simply an excuse for "I'm not interested in pursuing this." If someone joins a dating site and realizes they truly aren't ready, that's on them and not something you could have prevented anyway.

The good news is the reason for ending things doesn't matter. If someone would rather be without you than with you, that is all you need to know. Save your energy for a guy who is obviously over the moon for you and who will text you George Michael lyrics at 1 AM.

[Hopeful30]

Actually, now that I think about it, I've come to the realization that this 'discrepancy' between being 'too serious' and 'laidback and open minded' is kind of reflected in my past experiences.

When I care for a relationship to develop, it never does. When I don't care for the man, they continue to pursue and we eventually end up a couple. Could I be jinxing myself? 

[Weezy1973]

It was only six weeks. Pretty normal for something to wane in the first few months. It’s not personal, he just wasn’t feeling it for whatever reason. Could be the ex. Could be lack of general compatibility (in his mind). Who knows; doesn’t matter.
 

When I was OLD, I found this progression to be common:

Casual Dating lasts about 1 month (assuming one date per week)

Exclusive dating from ~1 month - ~3 months - things often don’t get past this stage!

Early Relationship (starting to integrate each other into your lives) ~3 months - 1 year

Committed Relationship- 1 year plus

In other words, this was very early, and more often than not, things don’t work out. Definitely not personal. Next!

[Weezy1973]

1 minute ago, Hopeful30 said:

Actually, now that I think about it, I've come to the realization that this 'discrepancy' between being 'too serious' and 'laidback and open minded' is kind of reflected in my past experiences.

When I care for a relationship to develop, it never does. When I don't care for the man, they continue to pursue and we eventually end up a couple. Could I be jinxing myself? 

Probably not. 
 

More likely the men you’re most interested in are better catches and have more options. The ones you’re not interested in don’t have as many options and see you as a great catch (if they can get you). Your reaction (laid back vs serious) just reflects your attraction level. You care more about the guys you’re most attracted to; and don’t care much about the guys you’re not.

[Hopeful30]

9 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Probably not. 
 

More likely the men you’re most interested in are better catches and have more options. The ones you’re not interested in don’t have as many options and see you as a great catch (if they can get you). Your reaction (laid back vs serious) just reflects your attraction level. You care more about the guys you’re most attracted to; and don’t care much about the guys you’re not.

I see imbalanced couples all the time, so this doesn't make sense. By that logic, great people should be dating great people, and lower quality people should be dating other lower quality people. I know only one couple who appear to be equal in all elements (it was love at first sight for them) but all others seem contrasting, from physical attractiveness, how much they contribute to relationships, levels of effort, financial contributions, fidelity, etc.

[Weezy1973]

2 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I see imbalanced couples all the time, so this doesn't make sense. By that logic, great people should be dating great people, and lower quality people should be dating other lower quality people. I know only one couple who appear to be equal in all elements (it was love at first sight for them) but all others seem contrasting, from physical attractiveness, how much they contribute to relationships, levels of effort, financial contributions, fidelity, etc.

Then you’re seeing a pretty skewed sample. If you google “matching phenomenon”, you’ll see that by and large, the vast majority of long term couples are well matched in terms of attractiveness. This has been studied in depth.

[Hopeful30]

2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Then you’re seeing a pretty skewed sample. If you google “matching phenomenon”, you’ll see that by and large, the vast majority of long term couples are well matched in terms of attractiveness. This has been studied in depth.

How to determine where to find men at my attraction level? I don't even know how to describe my attractiveness. Let's just say I'm always asked if I'm a model (used to be, good money, hated the attention) and often assumed to be paired (this works against me as I'm usually single). Of course, men like different types, but my type has an audience too. 

Highly sexual and hide it, always get stared at and never approached. Smiling and friendly because you only live once. 

Suggestions?

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

How to determine where to find men at my attraction level? I don't even know how to describe my attractiveness. Let's just say I'm always asked if I'm a model (used to be, good money, hated the attention) and often assumed to be paired (this works against me as I'm usually single). Of course, men like different types, but my type has an audience too. 

Highly sexual and hide it, always get stared at and never approached. Smiling and friendly because you only live once. 

Suggestions?

I don’t think it’s so much about where to find them, as they can be anywhere really. But if you’re at the tail end of the curve (I.e.  top 1 or 2 percent) then equivalent men are going to be equally rare. So you’ll just have to be patient. And go out on more dates. It’s a numbers games, even for relationship oriented people. The more people you meet, the more likely you’ll find a match.

Also keep in mind that someone of equal attractiveness as you likely won’t make your heart flutter right away. That would happen with men that are more attractive than you. Equal attractiveness often means it takes time for the flutters to develop...

[Hopeful30]

11 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Equal attractiveness often means it takes time for the flutters to develop...

I can attest to this. Takes time for me to develop sexual feelings for someone, unfortunately men aren't always that patient lol although the equal couple that I know felt extreme attraction and slept together on the first date. They have been together for 10 years and are expecting their first child.

Started another thread to make myself feel better.

Edited July 3, 2020 by Hopeful30

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

Also keep in mind that someone of equal attractiveness as you likely won’t make your heart flutter right away. That would happen with men that are more attractive than you. 

Weezy, not quite sure what you mean by this. 

Are you suggesting that the energy/chemistry (i.e. heart flutters) we feel when meeting/dating someone new is solely determined by how physically attractive they are?  

If so, I gotta disagree. I've met men who were (by society's standards) conventionally more attractive than myself who wanted to date me and I felt ZIP.  Nothing at all. 

No energy, no chemistry, no heart fluttering, nothing.

On the other hand, I've dated men who were less attractive than myself with whom I felt an immediate attraction!  High energy and chemistry. 

My bf is an example.  Killer body as he trains and works out, but my friends don't consider his face that attractive, and when I first began dating him, thought I could do better (appearance wise).

Feeling "attracted to" someone --  that heart fluttering feeling you get when there is high chemistry/energy and you know you're connecting goes so much deeper than physical apprarance imo.

Of couse physical attraction is super important but since my bf and I have such high energy together and we connect so well, personally I find him gorgeous!  Even though my friends or even society might not think so.

Appearance is so subjective anyway, and again at least for me and others I know, that heart fluttering feeling runs much deeper than how one looks on the outside. 

Hopeful, have you tried the app EliteSingles.com?  You might find men on that site who are more equal to you in physical attractiveness, success, etc..  

With your height (around six feet?) and beauty, success, yes I would imagine you will intimidate certain types.  

Try Elite, see how that goes, good luck!  

 

Edited July 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Weezy, not quite sure what you mean by this. 

Are you suggesting that the energy/chemistry (i.e. heart flutters) we feel when meeting/dating someone new is solely determined by how physically attractive they are?  

 

Not necessarily just looks. Overall attractiveness though (could include personality traits, personal style etc.). And just in general, there will always be exceptions. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

I would take him at his word just because of the sudden and immediate turnaround. My bet is on the ex having sent one “miss you” text and he went running back as fast as he could.

Be prepared for a sheepish “Hey, so I sorted out those feelings...” text in about 6 weeks, after he finally figures out his ex never had any actual intention of getting back together.

When that text comes...tell him no.

[Realitysux]

40 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Weezy, not quite sure what you mean by this. 

Are you suggesting that the energy/chemistry (i.e. heart flutters) we feel when meeting/dating someone new is solely determined by how physically attractive they are?  

If so, I gotta disagree. I've met men who were (by society's standards) conventionally more attractive than myself who wanted to date me and I felt ZIP.  Nothing at all. 

No energy, no chemistry, no heart fluttering, nothing.

On the other hand, I've dated men who were less attractive than myself with whom I felt an immediate attraction!  High energy and chemistry. 

My bf is an example.  Killer body as he trains and works out, but my friends don't consider his face that attractive, and when I first began dating him, thought I could do better (appearance wise).

Feeling "attracted to" someone --  that heart fluttering feeling you get when there is high chemistry/energy and you know you're connecting goes so much deeper than physical apprarance imo.

Of couse physical attraction is super important but since my bf and I have such high energy together and we connect so well, personally I find him gorgeous!  Even though my friends or even society might not think so.

Appearance is so subjective anyway, and again at least for me and others I know, that heart fluttering feeling runs much deeper than how one looks on the outside. 

Hopeful, have you tried the app EliteSingles.com?  You might find men on that site who are more equal to you in physical attractiveness, success, etc..  

With your height (around six feet?) and beauty, success, yes I would imagine you will intimidate certain types.  

Try Elite, see how that goes, good luck!  

 

I met a guy who I feel insane physical attraction to but he's not boyfriend material. He's coming over tomorrow and right now I'm going to do friends with benefits. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

I never thought about asking this. I just assume that if someone is dating, it's because they're ready to date. If they're not ready, then why would they be dating? I suppose not everyone approaches it the same way I do.

People are just imperfect...sometimes we’re not sure what we really want. 

[Hopeful30]

14 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I would take him at his word just because of the sudden and immediate turnaround. My bet is on the ex having sent one “miss you” text and he went running back as fast as he could.

Be prepared for a sheepish “Hey, so I sorted out those feelings...” text in about 6 weeks, after he finally figures out his ex never had any actual intention of getting back together.

I already deleted him so chances are I will shoot him a "who is this" by default 🤷‍♂️

[Realitysux]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Weezy, not quite sure what you mean by this. 

Are you suggesting that the energy/chemistry (i.e. heart flutters) we feel when meeting/dating someone new is solely determined by how physically attractive they are?  

If so, I gotta disagree. I've met men who were (by society's standards) conventionally more attractive than myself who wanted to date me and I felt ZIP.  Nothing at all. 

No energy, no chemistry, no heart fluttering, nothing.

On the other hand, I've dated men who were less attractive than myself with whom I felt an immediate attraction!  High energy and chemistry. 

My bf is an example.  Killer body as he trains and works out, but my friends don't consider his face that attractive, and when I first began dating him, thought I could do better (appearance wise).

Feeling "attracted to" someone --  that heart fluttering feeling you get when there is high chemistry/energy and you know you're connecting goes so much deeper than physical apprarance imo.

Of couse physical attraction is super important but since my bf and I have such high energy together and we connect so well, personally I find him gorgeous!  Even though my friends or even society might not think so.

Appearance is so subjective anyway, and again at least for me and others I know, that heart fluttering feeling runs much deeper than how one looks on the outside. 

Hopeful, have you tried the app EliteSingles.com?  You might find men on that site who are more equal to you in physical attractiveness, success, etc..  

With your height (around six feet?) and beauty, success, yes I would imagine you will intimidate certain types.  

Try Elite, see how that goes, good luck!  

 

Don't you meet people in person. Today two guys were interested in me and another seperate man is coming over tomorrow. Were going to be friends with benefits because I want that. I get asked out min once a day .. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

I never thought about asking this. I just assume that if someone is dating, it's because they're ready to date. If they're not ready, then why would they be dating? I suppose not everyone approaches it the same way I do.

Read some of the posts here where men give advice about going straight back out and dating immediately after a break up.  We're talking about starting up the dating app a day after the breakup.   No way are they ready to date...they are using women to soothe their egos or sadness.

That said, I wouldn't put an arbitrary time line on how long it takes to recover, because if they were the dumper, they may well recover quickly.  But don't go near anyone who's straight back out there days after the ending of a substantial relationship.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Realitysux said:

I met a guy who I feel insane physical attraction to but he's not boyfriend material. He's coming over tomorrow and right now I'm going to do friends with benefits. 

Does he know that you feel this is all he's worth?   Nothing wrong with that if he feels that you're not girlfriend material, but it's good to make sure he also feels the same way about you.

[Phallacy]

He’s not ready to date YOU