Suddenly he's 'not ready to date'

[Erica_2]

I believe he has done you a favour. Rather than stringing you along and you possibly becoming attached to him which is a lot harder to get over. 

[rjc149]

Hopeful, you seem to be very much in touch with your sexuality and desires on these threads. You've made clear here that you'd like to ravage some c0ck but it seems that you suppress those urges on your dates, for whatever reason, and come off as wooden and serious. 

Why not embrace your sexual desires with these men? As in, just go for it? Make yourself available? Serious relationships don't start as serious relationships. They often start as fun, sexual release, and develop into something more. Why not try that route, instead of stringently vetting each guy, and snubbing his sexual interest until he gets tired of it and cuts bait? Maybe this guy's ex came back into the picture, but I think it's just as likely someone else came along who was more sexually forthcoming.

[manfrombelow]

49 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Serious relationships don't start as serious relationships. They often start as fun, sexual release, and develop into something more. Why not try that route, instead of stringently vetting each guy, and snubbing his sexual interest until he gets tired of it and cuts bait? Maybe this guy's ex came back into the picture, but I think it's just as likely someone else came along who was more sexually forthcoming.

Couln't have said this better. Thank you brother! 

Many people, both men and women, come to the dates being too serious with the reason "I want a serious relationship".

Yes, that's not wrong. We all want "serious" relationships. But they are relationships, things that happen much later. What most of us forget is that, when it comes to dating, it's the playground of emotions, not logic. Dates are meant to be fun, relaxing, chilling and sexual - not "serious". Please don't bring your "seriousness" into dating unless you want to wonder how come the other guy/woman ghost you after the 1st date.

Edited July 6, 2020 by manfrombelow

[Hopeful30]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

Hopeful, you seem to be very much in touch with your sexuality and desires on these threads. You've made clear here that you'd like to ravage some c0ck but it seems that you suppress those urges on your dates, for whatever reason, and come off as wooden and serious. 

Why not embrace your sexual desires with these men? As in, just go for it? Make yourself available? Serious relationships don't start as serious relationships. They often start as fun, sexual release, and develop into something more. Why not try that route, instead of stringently vetting each guy, and snubbing his sexual interest until he gets tired of it and cuts bait? Maybe this guy's ex came back into the picture, but I think it's just as likely someone else came along who was more sexually forthcoming.

I am not wooden or serious lol! God forbid haha

I'm very fun on dates actually but now that you mention it, it sounds accurate. Men usually lose interest after 3 or 4 dates when sex hasn't happened. 

And to be entirely honest, when I sleep with a man before I actually want to (which usually takes several dates), then I immediately lose interest. I am turned on by men who don't paw at me constantly and show restraint. When he's all over me on date two, sure we can sleep together, but he gets more from it than I do, and I lose interest because of that.

Whatever happened to foreplay, heavy flirting, and building anticipation? Is everyone obsessed with instant gratification? 

 

Edited July 6, 2020 by Hopeful30

[rjc149]

9 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I am not wooden or serious lol! God forbid haha

I'm very fun on dates actually but now that you mention it, it sounds accurate. Men usually lose interest after 3 or 4 dates when sex hasn't happened. 

And to be entirely honest, when I sleep with a man before I actually want to (which usually takes several dates), then I immediately lose interest. I am turned on by men who don't drool at my feet and show restraint. When he's all over me on date two, sure we can sleep together, but he gets more from it than I do, and I lose interest because of that.

Whatever happened to foreplay, heavy flirting, and building anticipation? Is everyone obsessed with instant gratification? 

 

Well it seems like it could be an all or nothing thing with you. As in, kissing and making out can only occur at the point in time when you're ready to have sex. 

Maybe you could incorporating making out with guys you're interested in as part of the foreplay and anticipation up to sex? I think you need to give these guys something to go on, an appetizer to keep them at the table. If you've got a physical wall up date after date, without even a kiss, most guys are going to bail. 

[Hopeful30]

1 minute ago, rjc149 said:

Well it seems like it could be an all or nothing thing with you. As in, kissing and making out can only occur at the point in time when you're ready to have sex. 

Maybe you could incorporating making out with guys you're interested in as part of the foreplay and anticipation up to sex? I think you need to give these guys something to go on, an appetizer to keep them at the table. If you've got a physical wall up date after date, without even a kiss, most guys are going to bail. 

Not at all my friend! I'm down for fooling around, but this is the problem I have run into in the past. While I love making out and touching etc., men tell me that I am leading them on, and unless it leads to sex, they don't want to fool around then be left "blue balled". In other words, they don't want to fool around unless sex is guaranteed, otherwise they get aroused with no relief. 

[rjc149]

21 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

Not at all my friend! I'm down for fooling around, but this is the problem I have run into in the past. While I love making out and touching etc., men tell me that I am leading them on, and unless it leads to sex, they don't want to fool around then be left "blue balled". In other words, they don't want to fool around unless sex is guaranteed, otherwise they get aroused with no relief. 

That will depend on how many dates end up with 'fooling around' before sex happens. If it's one or two dates, that's one thing. If that's all you ever do, date after date, then yeah, it could be frustrating for them. And I suppose giving them "relief" by means other than sexual intercourse counts as sex to you, right? 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

Not at all my friend! I'm down for fooling around, but this is the problem I have run into in the past. While I love making out and touching etc., men tell me that I am leading them on, and unless it leads to sex, they don't want to fool around then be left "blue balled". In other words, they don't want to fool around unless sex is guaranteed, otherwise they get aroused with no relief. 

Amen, I know exactly what you mean which is why I never liked multi-dating.  

And I've asked women who do multi-date (rotating several men simultaneously), what happens when they want to kiss, make out a bit? 

Do you kiss every guy you're out with?  

Or only the ones you like and if you don't like, why are you accepting dates with them in the first place? 

And then there's the matter of men wanting sex, quickly.  And it's been my experience too that once you go down that road of kissing, making out, most men want sex and if you say no, then yeah you're accused of misleading, stringing them along, being a tease,  and giving them blue balls. 

A few have gotten quite pissed off.  A few have resorted to actually begging (literally), I kid you not! 

This didn't happen all the time but enough to turn me off to casual multi-dating; it was always a big freakin pain in the arse dealing with that.

So I hear ya Hopeful.  

 

Edited July 6, 2020 by poppyfields

[Hopeful30]

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

That will depend on how many dates end up with 'fooling around' before sex happens. If it's one or two dates, that's one thing. If that's all you ever do, date after date, then yeah, it could be frustrating for them. And I suppose giving them "relief" by means other than sexual intercourse counts as sex to you, right? 

Sex, to me, is penetration. All else I consider sexual activity. Also (not sure if I'm the only one who thinks this) but blowing a man is VERY intimate to me. It's more intimate than penetrative sex. I don't blow men unless they are my boyfriend and we are in a relationship. My mouth on your genitals is NOT casual for me.

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Amen, I know exactly what you mean which is why I never liked multi-dating.  

And I've asked women who do multi-date (rotating several men simultaneously), what happens when they want to kiss, make out a bit? 

Do you kiss every guy you're out with?  

Or only the ones you like and if you don't like, why are you accepting dates with them in the first place? 

And then there's the matter of men wanting sex, quickly.  And it's been my experience too that once you go down that road of kissing, making out, most men want sex and if you say no, then yeah you're accused of misleading, stringing them along, being a tease,  and giving them blue balls. 

A few have gotten quite pissed off.  A few have resorted to actually begging (literally), I kid you not! 

This didn't happen all the time but enough to turn me off to casual multi-dating; it was always a big freakin pain in the arse dealing with that.

So I hear ya Hopeful.  

 

🙏🙏🙏

Edited July 6, 2020 by Hopeful30

[manfrombelow]

11 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Sex, to me, is penetration. All else I consider sexual activity. Also (not sure if I'm the only one who thinks this) but blowing a man is VERY intimate to me. It's more intimate than penetrative sex. I don't blow men unless they are my boyfriend and we are in a relationship. My mouth on your genitals is NOT casual for me.

🙏🙏🙏

In many occasions in the past, I slept with women who were either married or engaged or at least in a relationship with their boyfriends, some of them let me penetrated BOTH holes in their lower torso but refused to, hahaha, give me blowjobs because "if they did it, they would be cheating and that would make them feel terrible for their partners". 

So, to them, "penetrating" is not cheating, but BJ is.

Any problems to me? NO. At that point, when my thingy was in their thingy, a BJ is just a side benefit no more, no less.

Edited July 7, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Group berating

[Hopeful30]

5 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

In many occasions in the past, I slept with women who were either married or engaged or at least in a relationship with their boyfriends, some of them let me penetrated BOTH holes in their lower torso but refused to, hahaha, give me blowjobs because "if they did it, they would be cheating and that would make them feel terrible for their partners". 

So, to them, "penetrating" is not cheating, but BJ is.

Any problems to me? NO. At that point, when my thingy was in their thingy, a BJ is just a side benefit no more, no less.

How is a man attracted to a woman who degrades herself like that? Learning that a man is taken is an automatic turn off for me.

[Roswell91]

6 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

In many occasions in the past, I slept with women who were either married or engaged or at least in a relationship with their boyfriends, some of them let me penetrated BOTH holes in their lower torso but refused to, hahaha, give me blowjobs because "if they did it, they would be cheating and that would make them feel terrible for their partners". 

So, to them, "penetrating" is not cheating, but BJ is.

Any problems to me? NO. At that point, when my thingy was in their thingy, a BJ is just a side benefit no more, no less.

How honourable of them to refrain. 😐

[Roswell91]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

How is a man attracted to a woman who degrades herself like that? Learning that a man is taken is an automatic turn off for me.

Because said man doesn't care as long as he's  getting what he wants.

Im the type of person who will brush someone off if i know hes dating someone (unofficially) and he doesn't  even like the woman the same way she likes him. True story.

But not everyone is considerate of others in the same way. 

Edited July 7, 2020 by Roswell91

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 7/6/2020 at 9:27 AM, Hopeful30 said:

Not at all my friend! I'm down for fooling around, but this is the problem I have run into in the past. While I love making out and touching etc., men tell me that I am leading them on, and unless it leads to sex, they don't want to fool around then be left "blue balled". In other words, they don't want to fool around unless sex is guaranteed, otherwise they get aroused with no relief. 

I hear you on this. Not with the guy literally saying "blue balls" (not after teenagehood) but I get it.

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 7/6/2020 at 10:36 AM, poppyfields said:

Amen, I know exactly what you mean which is why I never liked multi-dating.  

And I've asked women who do multi-date (rotating several men simultaneously), what happens when they want to kiss, make out a bit? 

Do you kiss every guy you're out with?  

Or only the ones you like and if you don't like, why are you accepting dates with them in the first place? 

And then there's the matter of men wanting sex, quickly.  And it's been my experience too that once you go down that road of kissing, making out, most men want sex and if you say no, then yeah you're accused of misleading, stringing them along, being a tease,  and giving them blue balls. 

A few have gotten quite pissed off.  A few have resorted to actually begging (literally), I kid you not! 

This didn't happen all the time but enough to turn me off to casual multi-dating; it was always a big freakin pain in the arse dealing with that.

So I hear ya Hopeful.  

 

Okay, so as someone who had a couple of occasions to be beginning-dating more than one guy at a time, maybe I can answer this.

First of all, I wasn't "a multidater" per se - I mean it wasn't as if I made a decision that that was how I was going to roll. It was more: you meet up with one person who wants to go on a date, but obviously you're not going to shut down everything else, because you don't even know this guy yet.

Then...suddenly, there's another guy. You do like them both. You don't know which you'll like better in the long run, though. You can't possibly.

For me, yes, probably a couple/few times I did kiss more than one man within the space of, say, a week. Not gigantic all-out makeout sessions but a goodnight kiss.

However, if the man was someone I felt I was going to have something "more" with, that was when I'd question whether I wanted to go on dates with the other guy. 

And I sure as hell never had sex with one man, then the other because I hadn't committed yet, or something like that. No, just no, no, no, no, no. Ugh. I'm not a port of call. 

If the guy wants sex very quickly, like the first date? Well, I did have that happen and we both wanted that, we both knew that quickly that we were feeling it, and of course I didn't keep dating anyone else. Just...bleh.

But...a few dates that are casual, getting to know someone? I wouldn't consider that cheating if it were more than one guy "at a time," so to speak. Not on the same day or anything  but...if you literally don't even know the person yet...I don't know, it always just seemed odd to me that people would go on one date and then annouce to eachother, "I'll take myself off this dating platform" (or whatever offline equivalent) since 'we're dating.' I mean...lock it down when you've know the person two weeks?

[poppyfields]

For me, I would go on dates, typically one, and if there was nothing happening, no mutual attraction which I either sensed was there or wasn't,  I wouldn't go out with him again, assuming he asked.  

I would just continue on that path until I met a man with whom there was a mutual attraction which we both felt, and we would focus on each other to see where it would lead.

Might last a week, month, a year or long term. There was no commitment at that point.  

Before doing this, I would agree to continue dating a guy, then maybe another guy and that is when it got tricky for me.

Kissing, making out, I won't go into it now but I had one guy sexually assault me.

My bad for inviting him in, "making out" with him and then saying no to sex.

 

Edited July 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[CaliforniaGirl]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

For me, I would go on dates, typically one, and if there was nothing happening, no mutual attraction which I either sensed was there or wasn't,  I wouldn't go out with him again, assuming he asked.  

I would just continue on that path until I met a man with whom there was a mutual attraction which we both felt, and we would focus on each other to see where it would lead.

Might last a week, month, a year or long term. There was no commitment at that point.  

Before doing this, I would agree to continue dating a guy, then maybe another guy and that is when it got tricky for me.

Kissing, making out, I won't go into it now but I had one guy sexually assault me.

My bad for inviting him in, "making out" with him and then saying no to sex.

 

That is NOT your bad, Poppy. 😢 How can you even say that?

I had what I believe is a near-miss once. It was pretty terrifying. I wasn't accosted, but I agreed to a "drive to get ice cream" date. This guy knew an amazing ice cream place, blah blah, etc., etc. Sounded like fun to me. He started to drive way way up the highway which on the extension turned into farmland with just huge spaces between farms...I couldn't convince him to turn around at first...I was 99% certain I was going to die.

I ende up making a fool of myself and almost yelling, "Take me home. Now. I am not kidding you." (After asking several times and him going, "no, just a little farther...there's this cool place...") And amazingly, he did turn around, finally. But I'll never forget that...just the feeling...he seemed like he suddenly turned into a different person once I was strapped into that car and we were on the road to nowhere. From charming and fun to kind of nervous, hopped-up...and insistent. 

Jesus. Never again, I can tell you that.

I mean maybe he really did just want ice cream (from some place that apparently was nestled between, like, corn rows?) but I still get a shivery feeling when I remember it. Really scary.  Maybe he was a first-timer and he chickened out. I mean, first murders, those can be unnerving, I'll bet...

I missed out on ice cream...I'll bet he was thinking, "Her loss"...  But yikes. When someone is YELLING at you to turn around and you keep driving very, very fast going "No, just wait, let's keep driving" you have to KNOW how it's coming off. KWIM?

Edited July 7, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

That is NOT your bad, Poppy. 😢 How can you even say that?

I had what I believe is a near-miss once. It was pretty terrifying. I wasn't accosted, but I agreed to a "drive to get ice cream" date. This guy knew an amazing ice cream place, blah blah, etc., etc. Sounded like fun to me. He started to drive way way up the highway which on the extension turned into farmland with just huge spaces between farms...I couldn't convince him to turn around at first...I was 99% certain I was going to die.

I ende up making a fool of myself and almost yelling, "Take me home. Now. I am not kidding you." (After asking several times and him going, "no, just a little farther...there's this cool place...") And amazingly, he did turn around, finally. But I'll never forget that...just the feeling...he seemed like he suddenly turned into a different person once I was strapped into that car and we were on the road to nowhere. From charming and fun to kind of nervous, hopped-up...and insistent. 

Jesus. Never again, I can tell you that.

I mean maybe he really did just want ice cream (from some place that apparently was nestled between, like, corn rows?) but I still get a shivery feeling when I remember it. Really scary.  Maybe he was a first-timer and he chickened out. I mean, first murders, those can be unnerving, I'll bet...

I missed out on ice cream...I'll bet he was thinking, "Her loss"...  But yikes. When someone is YELLING at you to turn around and you keep driving very, very fast going "No, just wait, let's keep driving" you have to KNOW how it's coming off. KWIM?

Yeah I've had stuff like that happen too.  One guy was into guns, had one in his car, pulled it out and threatened me.

Total psychopath.  I was so scared, I remained quiet with him screaming obscenities at me until he finally dropped me off.

I will never forget that either!

With the guy who assaulted me, I take some responsibility cause I did invite him in and proceeded to have a very passionate make out session with him, then said no to sex.

I know it's no excuse for his utterly deplorable and heinous (not to mention criminal) actions, but I should never have placed myself in that situation and I learned a huge lesson from that. 

 

 

Edited July 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[OatsAndHall]

@poppyfields

 

You've got nothing to take responsibility for in that situation. Regardless of the circumstances leading up to the assault, you said "no" and that should have been the end of it. When the brakes are pumped, it's done, plain and simple. Don't beat yourself and try not to let the situation overshadow your dating experience; there are plenty of guys who have  gone home with "blue balls" without question when a make-out session ended without sex.

[poppyfields]

Thanks Oats, it affected me for a long time but I'm good now.  Have a great very wonderful bf.  ❤️

I hear what you're saying, and I think it's good I owned my role in how that played out, cause I learned from it.

Since that happened, I learned to never invite strangers into my home, have lots of drinks and long passionate make out sessions with them.  

This is not excusing his behaviour, but I cannot control his behaviour, only my own.

It's how I made peace with it and was able to move on.  

[Roswell91]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

For me, I would go on dates, typically one, and if there was nothing happening, no mutual attraction which I either sensed was there or wasn't,  I wouldn't go out with him again, assuming he asked.  

I would just continue on that path until I met a man with whom there was a mutual attraction which we both felt, and we would focus on each other to see where it would lead.

Might last a week, month, a year or long term. There was no commitment at that point.  

Before doing this, I would agree to continue dating a guy, then maybe another guy and that is when it got tricky for me.

Kissing, making out, I won't go into it now but I had one guy sexually assault me.

My bad for inviting him in, "making out" with him and then saying no to sex.

 

That's why people always advise to be in public. 

Inviting someone  in, theyre probably expecting things to happen. 

That is terrible though what happened.😐

[gaius]

There's usually a primal back and forth between people while dating. Which seems somewhat absent in your interactions with this guy and others.

For one, it usually doesn't take weeks or months to tell whether or not you have some kind of chemistry with a person. When it's there it's there and you generally feel it fairly quickly. By the second or third date you should kind of know if this is a guy you want to put his hands on you. Even if you're not fully comfortable with moving that quickly yet. 

And if that guy fits that bill and he doesn't put his hands on you, the normal, healthy reaction from most women would be taking offense. You see it on here in threads all the time. "Why isn't he making a move?" "Why won't he have sex with me?", "Why can't he get hard?" But you seem to take that as a challenge instead. That's when you get turned on and want to ravage his junk. Only when he doesn't make a move on you. Which is not a healthy back and forth. The last thing a guy who isn't turned on enough to make a move wants is for you to take charge and ravage him. Huge turn off.

And that's probably why this particular guy bailed. You took his disinterest and responded by running in the exact opposite direction he wanted. He sensed what you were up to. Perhaps you need to find a way to connect with men better, manage the back and forth better, or just get more in touch with your feminine side. The root of the problem could be a million things and I honestly don't know you well enough to pinpoint it with any certainly.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear what happened but I think you are well clear of this guy.  If he talked fetish stuff with you, he was almost certainly sounding you out.  If you did not respond positively, he may have thought you would come round to the idea.  At a guess, he probably brought up the subject again and you were not interested.  He is probably into some fetish you are not into and is looking for someone to share that with him.