My friend doesn't want me to be happy

[Amanda92]

Hello,

I have a problem that makes me feel depressed. My best friend turned out to be the meanest person that I've ever met.

I had a group of friends. Everybody knew that I'm into Mark. We always danced together at parties and even kissed several times. We haven't dated because we both didn't know what we want to. But we liked each other. It was a nice time together. At the same time, I was in a friendzone with his best friend - Ty. 

We texted a lot and sometimes hang out. He asked me to go to a theater with him. I was a bit disappointed because he never wanted to spend time in the way I wanted. But it was nice to have a friend with who I could talk about everything.

When he had a problem I always was there for him. For example when he was dating. I was spending hours explaining to him what mistakes he does. 

The first issue was when his ex-friend told him that she loved him. He stopped meeting with her and after 2 months realized that he loves her. I gave him bits of advice because he wanted to be with her. (She was smart and didn't want to start it again.) After the next 2 months, he realized that he didn't love her. He just missed having a lovely friend that looked at him as at Mr. Right.

Then he was dating a fat woman and then he didn't want to be with her because she was fat. I asked him - "so why did you date with her. Why did you give her some hope? Look for a girl that will be attractive to you!"

He told me that nobody will be so attractive as me. I thought that it's a joke. There was no chemistry between us. He isn't attractive for me. I'm quite pretty so it didn't pay much attention to these words because my friends often tell me that I'm pretty.

When I had a problem... He sent 2 messages and that was it. Don't worry - it will be ok. He was very selfish. He promised a lot of things... But he did nothing. It still was nice to have someone to text with.

I've moved to another city, so my weird friendship with Mark was gone. I felt for the first time in my life that I'm ready to look for a relationship. I don't have too much experience. I always had a broken heart. I told Ty that I will have the first date with an amazing guy and it's very stressful for me. I sent him his pictures.

I thought that he will tell me that I shouldn't worry because I'm pretty and nice etc. Instead of it he said "he looks like a stupid model and real men shouldn't look like that. Does he go to a hairdresser every day? You won't be happy with him because THE ONLY PERSON THAT I CAN BE HAPPY IS HIM." I was shocked. I asked him how he could not want me to be happy. He answers: "Yea. I don't want you to be happy with someone else. The only person that you can be happy with is me. I don't let you date! Remember about people that was always here for you. He should forget about you because I have your heart."

I asked him what is he talking about. There was nothing between us, I had a "fling" with his best friend! He said "You lie! There was something between us from the beginning and your fling with Mark was just a joke".

I told him that he let me down and I don't need a friend who doesn't wish me to be happy. He texted me several times, he asks me to translate his e-mail (I used to do it)... I haven't answer. I don't want to see him anymore.

He was my best friend. I thought that it's real. Now... I feel so bad about it. It was a month ago and I still feel like he cheated on me and he made me so scared that it was a 'curse' and maybe I won't be ever happy.

My workmate told me that she understands him and maybe I could think about being in a relationship with him. But I just have in my mind these sentences that he doesn't wish me to be happy because I can be happy only with him. It's insane for me! I wanted to go to a party, he wanted to go to a theater. He never paid for my ticket! He never visited my city. He isn't attractive to me. It was only a friendzone!!!

His words made me so depressed. I just can't believe it. I really hate him! I want to be happy! I know I deserve a man that will be attractive to me and that will want to spend time as I want. I don't understand how someone can wish someone to be unhappy.

It was a month ago and I still feel that like he broke my friendship heart. I remember that my ex-boyfriend told me that nobody will ever love me. But it didn't hurt me so much. I just forgot about him in several weeks. Now I feel so broken. I've lost so many friends in my life, but usually, it was just ghosting. Now I can't imagine meeting him because I would like to tell him how much I hate him for these words. That I really like this man from a picture, but he doesn't want to be with me. That for the first time in my life I felt happy with a man! But I was so scared from the beginning that instead of being happy with our dates I just behaved weird...

I don't want to feel this grief anymore. I want to forget about these words. But I still feel so disappointed and I can't go on... I hate him. I really do. Like nobody.

I don't have anybody to talk about it. 😞

Edited July 3, 2020 by Amanda92

[d0nnivain]

You misread this from the outset. 

You may have friendzoned TY but all that poor man did was hang around you like a lovesick puppy waiting for the day that you would recognize how much he liked you.  Instead you flaunted other guys in his face & expected him to be happy for you as you broke his heart one more time. 

After months of this cruelty, he finally snapped & told you that he wanted you.  Granted he did it in anger but he'd reached his limit. 

Hate him if you want to.  You will be doing him a favor because he's not strong enough to walk away from you.  But do understand you were the one being mean, not him.  

When you realize that somebody likes you but you don't return that romantic interest it is incumbent on you to be gentle with that person's feelings & ego.  You can't exploit them for your own gain.  You didn't do that.  You sucked up the attention & now you have the audacity to be mad at him.  So not fair.  

[FMW]

I agree with d0nnivain.  For a mature and responsible woman, part of being "quite pretty" is being sensitive and gracious enough to pay attention to how men are reacting to you.  Part of being a friend in general is paying attention to your part of the relationship, not just soaking up the things that make you feel good and not understanding when their thoughts or feelings aren't in line with that.  

 

[Amanda92]

But during this whole time he was dating and he was even in love! And he never did what I asked for! I know how behave friends that want to be in a relationship. They do what I want to and they have a time for me. I WANTED TO SAY GOODBYE BEFORE MY MOVING AND HE DIDN'T FIND TIME FOR ME DURING 6 WEEKS! HE PREFER TO SPEND TIME WITH OTHER FRIENDS. He didn't show that he felt something! And this was the same with his ex-friend! They were hanging out for a year and he realized that he "loves" her, when she decided to look for a relationship. And after several months he told that he didn't love her, but he thought that he feel it because she was gone. He is not a poor puppy. He is very toxic. Why nobody can see it?

[mortensorchid]

Yikes...  I read that many times and what stood out to me the most was that the ex-bf told you that no one will ever love you.  I feel you, truly.  I have had men tell me I am a dried up old maid, that they are not interested in me, that they are going to get another gf who is even better than me.  You name it.  

First of all I want to tell you that you are worth something and you are worth more than these people ever will.  They are putting down your self esteem and intelligence because it makes them feel better about themselves.  

And they only way that you can get over this nonsense is to walk away and never speak a word again to any of them.  If they are truly sociopathic and/or narcissistic, they will feel no guilt or remorse over what they have done and allow their behaviors to enhance their own friendships/ relationships.  If they are not and are actually weak followers, they will not have relationships with each other after a while because the guilt will eat them alive.  

Move on and don't bother with any of them.  The future will have better things for you.

[basil67]

On 7/4/2020 at 2:46 AM, Amanda92 said:

He is very toxic. Why nobody can see it?

Probably nobody is seeing it because your rage at him is undeserved and is overwhelming the story.  Yes, he lost his temper and spoke out of turn.  But he's hardly toxic or worthy of your hate.

Chill for a bit, take some space and then work out what's best to do with the friendship.

 

[JTSW]

On 7/3/2020 at 4:15 PM, Amanda92 said:

I don't have anybody to talk about it. 😞

Thats because of the way you treated him and probably others.

You said you spent alot of time pointing out his mistakes when he was in a relationship which probably made him feel worthless.

He is not toxic. You are.

He is not mean. You are.

[d0nnivain]

On 7/3/2020 at 12:46 PM, Amanda92 said:

But during this whole time he was dating and he was even in love! And he never did what I asked for! I know how behave friends that want to be in a relationship. They do what I want to and they have a time for me. I WANTED TO SAY GOODBYE BEFORE MY MOVING AND HE DIDN'T FIND TIME FOR ME DURING 6 WEEKS! HE PREFER TO SPEND TIME WITH OTHER FRIENDS. He didn't show that he felt something! And this was the same with his ex-friend! They were hanging out for a year and he realized that he "loves" her, when she decided to look for a relationship. And after several months he told that he didn't love her, but he thought that he feel it because she was gone. He is not a poor puppy. He is very toxic. Why nobody can see it?

What I see is you continuing to rage that his world didn't revolve around you & that pisses you off to the point where you label him toxic.  

He did show you that he felt something for you: 

He danced with you

He kissed you.

He texted you.

He told you that nobody will ever be as attractive as you. 

This man liked you & you consistently blew him off.  

 

[Amanda92]

On 7/9/2020 at 5:50 PM, d0nnivain said:

What I see is you continuing to rage that his world didn't revolve around you & that pisses you off to the point where you label him toxic.  

He did show you that he felt something for you: 

He danced with you

He kissed you.

He texted you.

He told you that nobody will ever be as attractive as you. 

This man liked you & you consistently blew him off.  

 

No. You are wrong. The one who kissed me and danced with me was his best friend. It he would do it, obviously that I would this that he love me. But he never spent time with me at parties. He only texted me to talk about his real love. He never had time for me. He left my birthday after one hour to go at another party. Is this the way a person in love behave?

This is why I thought I have right to be surprised that now he said that there was something between us. 

Edited July 15, 2020 by Amanda92

[d0nnivain]

What?  Now I'm confused.  

I thought you liked Mark.  That is what your original post said.  You talked about dancing with him, kissing him & going to the theater.   You said you & Ty were just friends.    Can you copy & past your 1st post replacing all the pronouns with the names of the actors please?  Coupled with your last post telling me I'm wrong & you are right to be shocked because there was never a hint I feel like I'm in the Abbott & Costello skit Who's on First.  

 

[Amanda92]

On 7/3/2020 at 10:15 AM, Amanda92 said:

Hello,

I have a problem that makes me feel depressed. My best friend TY turned out to be the meanest person that I've ever met.

I had a group of friends. Everybody knew that I'm into Mark. We always danced together at parties and even kissed several times. We haven't dated because we both didn't know what we want to. But we liked each other. It was a nice time together. At the same time, I was in a friendzone with his best friend - Ty. 

(Me and Ty) We texted a lot and sometimes hang out. He asked me to go to a theater with him (when he had a free ticket). I was a bit disappointed because he never wanted to spend time in the way I wanted. But it was nice to have a friend with who I could talk about everything.

When TY had a problem I always was there for him. For example when he was dating. I was spending hours explaining to him what mistakes he does. (I tried to help him, he really appreciates it because he didn't date too much.)

The first issue was when Ty's ex-friend told him that she loved him. He stopped meeting with her and after 2 months realized that he loves her. I gave him bits of advice because he wanted to be with her. (She was smart and didn't want to start it again.) After the next 2 months, he realized that he didn't love her. He just missed having a lovely friend that looked at him as at Mr. Right.

Then Ty was dating a fat woman and then he didn't want to be with her because she was fat. I asked him - "so why did you date with her. Why did you give her some hope? Look for a girl that will be attractive to you!"

Ty told me that nobody will be so attractive as me. I thought that it's a joke. There was no chemistry between us. He isn't attractive for me. I'm quite pretty so it didn't pay much attention to these words because my friends often tell me that I'm pretty.

When I had a problem... Ty sent 2 messages and that was it. Don't worry - it will be ok. He was very selfish. He promised a lot of things... But he did nothing. It still was nice to have someone to text with.

I've moved to another city, so my weird friendship with Mark was gone. I felt for the first time in my life that I'm ready to look for a relationship. I don't have too much experience. I always had a broken heart. I told Ty that I will have the first date with an amazing guy and it's very stressful for me. I sent him his pictures.

I thought that Ty will tell me that I shouldn't worry because I'm pretty and nice etc. Instead of it he said "he (a new guy)looks like a stupid model and real men shouldn't look like that. Does he go to a hairdresser every day? You won't be happy with him because THE ONLY PERSON THAT I CAN BE HAPPY IS HIM." I was shocked. I asked him (Ty) how he could not want me to be happy. He answers: "Yea. I don't want you to be happy with someone else. The only person that you can be happy with is me. I don't let you date! Remember about people that was always here for you. He should forget about you because I have your heart."

I asked Ty what is he talking about. There was nothing between us, I had a "fling" with his best friend (Mark)! He said "You lie! There was something between us from the beginning and your fling with Mark was just a joke".

I told Ty that he let me down and I don't need a friend who doesn't wish me to be happy. He texted me several times, he asks me to translate his e-mail (I used to do it)... I haven't answer. I don't want to see him anymore.

Ty was my best friend. I thought that it's real. Now... I feel so bad about it. It was a month ago and I still feel like he cheated on me and he made me so scared that it was a 'curse' and maybe I won't be ever happy.

My workmate told me that she understands Ty and maybe I could think about being in a relationship with him. But I just have in my mind these sentences that he doesn't wish me to be happy because I can be happy only with him. It's insane for me! I wanted to go to a party, he wanted to go to a theater. He never paid for my ticket! (So I didn't thought that it can be a date) He never visited my city. He isn't attractive to me. It was only a friendzone!!!

Ty's words made me so depressed. I just can't believe it. I really hate him! I want to be happy! I know I deserve a man that will be attractive to me and that will want to spend time as I want. I don't understand how someone can wish someone to be unhappy.

It was a month ago and I still feel that like Ty broke my friendship heart. I remember that my ex-boyfriend told me that nobody will ever love me. But it didn't hurt me so much. I just forgot about him in several weeks. Now I feel so broken. I've lost so many friends in my life, but usually, it was just ghosting. Now I can't imagine meeting him because I would like to tell him how much I hate him for these words. That I really like this man from a picture, but he doesn't want to be with me. That for the first time in my life I felt happy with a man! But I was so scared from the beginning that instead of being happy with our dates I just behaved weird...

I don't want to feel this grief anymore. I want to forget about these words. But I still feel so disappointed and I can't go on... I hate him. I really do. Like nobody.

I don't have anybody to talk about it. 😞

I'm sorry, I should use more names to avoid this situation.

Now I feel much better, but I'm still curious if I was wrong feeling that he shoudn't say what he did.

[d0nnivain]

Ok, I had this all backwards & was mixing up Mark & Ty.  

Somewhere in here though I think Ty did like you but he did a bad job of showing it & making you understand.  He orbited you in the friendzone seething that you were having a fling with Mark but sort of hoping you'd eventually see him & read his mind about how he felt about you.  Meanwhile he kept his options open with these other girls.  You logically thought the other girls & your discussions about them were more proof that he wasn't into you.  

Then you sought reciprocation about the new guy in your life.  Rather then saying that he (Ty ) would prefer you date him, he lashed out & made you feel bad.  You are right to be upset about his word choice & tone.  He's a bad communicator but I suspect that is a function of youth, inexperience & fear of getting hurt.  

I don't think that you can get the model picture guy back.  All he knows of you is the weirdness so leave him be for now. 

Do reach out to Ty.  Set up a face to face if possible to clear the air.  Tell him his words hurt but that he needed to be clearer.  If you are still willing to try with him, tell him that but require him to be straight foward from now on. 

[Amanda92]

Thank you for your time!

The model guy doesn't know anything about it. This was conversation between me and Ty.

I don't want to be with Ty and I don't think we can be friends after this words...

I know that a lot of people say bad things while feeling strong emotions. People forget about cursing and other bad language. But I don't accept it. We should control what we say.

[d0nnivain]

If you are done, you're done.  

Having boundaries is important.  As isolated as you feel now, you will make new friends.  It's just a tad more challanging in a pandemic.