AngelLove Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 (edited) So I've been seeing an MM for the past 2 years. When we met he gave me the impression that he's single but ended up dropping a bomb by saying he was still living with the mother of his 2 kids until he finds a place to live. 2 years later they are still living together and he won't see me outside his work hours. I know i should have left as soon as it became clear that he had no intention of leaving. I stayed because i fell for him. I even tried to break it off but he guilt me into taking him back by confessing his feelings for me. anyway. i recently met a single guy who is interested in going on date and we have been chatting. i want to give the new guy a chance but how would i tell MM? I wish MM and I were together like that, in that case i wouldn't have given this new guy time of the day because I want to be with MM. But MM and I don't hangout in public and never been on date..I no longer hear from him when he is at home ..I used to in the beginning but now he falls off the earth once he is at home. how to proceed ? Does MM and i have a future? or should i force myself to be with other men? Edited July 4, 2020 by AngelLove Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 Either tell the new guy about your situation or leave him alone. As far as MM, no its unlikely you will ever be together Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, AngelLove said: So I've been seeing an MM for the past 2 years. When we met he gave me the impression that he's single but ended up dropping a bomb by saying he was still living with the mother of his 2 kids until he finds a place to live. 2 years later they are still living together and he won't see me outside his work hours. There is no future here. First thing this guy did was lie to you about the fact that he was single. Two years later, the only time he will see you is during work hours? where do you see a happy ending in this situation, with this man as your partner... Quote I stayed because i fell for him. I even tried to break it off but he guilt me into taking him back by confessing his feelings for me. Let’s be honest here, you stayed because you wanted to stay. He didn’t force you to stay. Just like he can’t stop you from dating another man. You have put your own life on hold for two years for a man who lied to you and has never even taken you on a date. That’s not wise... Feelings are just feelings, your heart may be broken if you never see this man again but you will get on and he will be quickly forgotten when you find a legitimate partner. The fact that you think you have developed feelings for this man is no reason to stay in an unhealthy situation... Quote I want to give the new guy a chance but how would i tell MM? I don’t know... how about “I’ve met another man that I would like to date and I’ve decided to end this dead end relationship... Best wishes to you.” That’s what I would say. Edited July 4, 2020 by BaileyB 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngelLove Posted July 4, 2020 Author Share Posted July 4, 2020 Yes I'm aware that at the end of the day I made my own decision and decided to stay. I'm not blaming that entirely on him. Sometimes feelings make people make poor choices 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, AngelLove said: Yes I'm aware that at the end of the day I made my own decision and decided to stay. I'm not blaming that entirely on him. Sometimes feelings make people make poor choices AngelLove, a beautiful opportunity has presented itself to make a better choice now... do with that what you will. Edited July 4, 2020 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngelLove Posted July 4, 2020 Author Share Posted July 4, 2020 54 minutes ago, BaileyB said: AngelLove, a beautiful opportunity has presented itself to make a better choice now... do with that what you will. Yes you're right it reminded me that i'm worth more than playing second fiddle . being able to be with single man , going out with him when i want, not hiding or being secretive . It rieminds me what it is like to be with someone who is free to be with me. I sure learned from this experiance though Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 12 minutes ago, AngelLove said: Yes you're right it reminded me that i'm worth more than playing second fiddle . being able to be with single man , going out with him when i want, not hiding or being secretive . It rieminds me what it is like to be with someone who is free to be with me. I sure learned from this experiance though Are you learning? I ask because I'm pretty sure you are about to do the the single guy what the Married man did to you, that is mislead him into a relationship he might not choose given all the information. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 57 minutes ago, DKT3 said: Are you learning? I ask because I'm pretty sure you are about to do the the single guy what the Married man did to you, that is mislead him into a relationship he might not choose given all the information. This. Your are a side chick of MM. If you get involved with single guy right now you'll just break his heart. You need to cut MM completely out of your life - 100% - and heal up for a little bit before pursuing things with single guy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngelLove Posted July 4, 2020 Author Share Posted July 4, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, DKT3 said: Are you learning? I ask because I'm pretty sure you are about to do the the single guy what the Married man did to you, that is mislead him into a relationship he might not choose given all the information. No, if me and this guy hit it off then I will let MM go..I will deff not continue to see both men because it won't be fair to the new guy. We're just chatting on Facebook and we haven't met in person yet to determine if they will be potentially a relationship. He could turn out to be another MM too hypothetically speaking..who knows..We might hit it off? It's hard to tell. I just have to see how this pans out. Edited July 4, 2020 by AngelLove Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 I don't really think you get it. You are in no position to be starting any relationship when you WANT to be with someone who is NOT the guy you are dating. So, what if you do hit it off will you just stop wanting to be with the married man? What happens if three months after you've been dating the new guy the married man says I've left my wife. Don't bring anyone else into your dysfunctional mess, clean it up then start dating. OR tell the new guy you are in love with a married man but trying to move on. If he agrees to continue you've put it all on the table and have a decent enough foundation to build something. Anything short and you are simply doing to a new guy what was done to you. Just think, if MM had told you the truth in the beginning you would not be in this position. Odds are if you hide this, build something with the new guy, down the road it will come out and you're right back in an unfavorable position. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 No, there's no future with the married man. He's kept you exactly where he wants you (a secret) and evidently has no intentions of ever changing that. So yes, you need to keep your options open for single men. However, you are likely going to first need to cut all ties with your MM and heal. You are probably not in the right head-space to date someone else yet. It shouldn't be a matter of "I will stop seeing MM if this new guy and I hit it off." It should be "I will stop seeing MM so that I will one day be ready to meet the man for me." Replacing MM with someone new in this way isn't likely to go well, simply because you'll be rebounding and not properly dealing with the painful feelings that will inevitably arise when this man is no longer in your life at all. I would take time to be single first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 7 hours ago, AngelLove said: MM and I don't hangout in public and never been on date.. So what exactly is in this for you now you know he's married, know he's committed to his family, know you are still attracted to other available men? Therapy might be a good way forward. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 So MM lied to you about his marital status, he remains committed to his marriage, he's not committed to you, doesn't make time for you until it's convenient for him, nor considers your feelings in his decisions. Why exactly do you feel obligated to tell MM about your dating life? You owe him nothing. Get out of this while you still have a soul! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 (edited) 51 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: So MM lied to you about his marital status, he remains committed to his marriage, he's not committed to you, doesn't make time for you until it's convenient for him, nor considers your feelings in his decisions. Why exactly do you feel obligated to tell MM about your dating life? You owe him nothing. Get out of this while you still have a soul! ^^^^This. You are not in a committed relationship with him. I'm inclined to think you don't owe him any explanation. Particularly if you know he'll talk you back into this dysfunctional arrangement with him. I would just tell him it's over, and then block him and go NC. You need to purge yourself of this MM before you can start anything healthy and meaningful with a new available guy. Edited July 4, 2020 by assertives 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, AngelLove said: I just have to see how this pans out. Either way, you would be wise to end it with your MM. That relationship is going nowhere, and your continued association with this man will hold you back from living your own life. You don’t really want to stay with a man who only makes time for you during work hours - do you? This is not love. There is no commitment there - certainly not from this man. He is committed to his wife and his family. That is what you need to understand. You waste your time here... Nothing good can come from this situation. Edited July 4, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
contel3 Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 I think you want to tell him so he'll panic and suddenly want to be with you. Or at least take you out on a date or text you after work. You owe him absolutely no explanation. The only purpose telling him has is making him jealous, and while it might make him a bit more responsive for a few days or week, he'll go back to treating you like he is right now. You also need to break it off with him, regardless of what happens with the other guy. I guarantee you it's not hard to find better than a guy who ignores you and won't be seen in public with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 As long as you are with the MM your future is not bright. The previous posters are correct. You should stop going out with MM, heal for a while, and then pursue someone that you can actually have a future with. It isn't fair to Mr New to be the rebound guy from a fantasy. Even if you did get with MM, you could never trust him. He has absolutely shown that he is a liar and a cheat. You may not even be the only one. You can not trust him - now or ever. If he really cared about you he would 'set you free' so you had a chance at happiness. If you really cared about yourself you would set yourself free. Your future won't be happy with someone not free to spend time with you in public. Choose yourself. Be honest, have integrity, and don't date married men. There is no future there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 (edited) One aspect of this that you should probably consider is your unwillingness to "let go" unless you have already monkeybranched to the next relationship. Consider whether this means that you don't feel fully "secure" just being on your own with no BF? It would seem like, as folks have pointed out, the most emotionally healthy thing would be to end the affair with the MM (it's pretty clear it's not giving you what you want) and THEN go find a good, available guy. Why the need to monkeybranch or not give up the MM? This is a question you might want to ask yourself. If you really have difficulty feeling secure on your own, you might consider seeing a therapist about it. I'm not at all saying that to be mean - it will help you to be independent and have secure relationships where you don't feel obligated by "need" to stay with "someone". Edited July 4, 2020 by mark clemson 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted July 4, 2020 Share Posted July 4, 2020 14 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Why the need to monkeybranch or not give up the MM? This is a question you might want to ask yourself. This idea stood out to me as well. Why are your only choices the new guy or the MM? Why cannot you choose yourself? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
deepthinking Posted July 5, 2020 Share Posted July 5, 2020 (edited) Notbroken. However sexy he is now, he will be unrecognisable one day. No longer the hottie, with a paunch, the grey or even non-existent hair, wrinkles. His wood will no longer be so firm. You've prolly had the best sex ever; the good memories of my youth make me smile here in my old age But call it quits now. Edited July 5, 2020 by deepthinking Link to post Share on other sites
Roswell91 Posted July 5, 2020 Share Posted July 5, 2020 (edited) On 7/4/2020 at 4:19 AM, AngelLove said: Yes I'm aware that at the end of the day I made my own decision and decided to stay. I'm not blaming that entirely on him. Sometimes feelings make people make poor choices You and MM do not have a future. He has a wife? What is so difficult to understand here. Therefore i would go out with single, available guys if i was you. Or maybe take a break from seeing anyone, till you're over the MM Edited July 5, 2020 by Roswell91 Link to post Share on other sites
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