Struggling with jealousy

[Prp75]

Hi.

 

ive been with my partner for over 7 years. In general things have been pretty good.

i have always struggled with jealousy and paranoia in previous relationships and now it’s seems it is rearing it’s ugly head in this one too.

it is all centering around a new project my partner is doing. Normally we do this kind of thing ourselves as we are both passionate about the subject but she has been approached by someone to work with them and she has accepted.

i feel left out and brushed aside. It does not help that I do not like the person she is now working alongside and I know they have and will be spending a lot of time together which will reduce the already small amount of time we have together. This combined with my lack of involvement makes me physically sick.

the more I think about it the more I think that I can’t believe she would think I would be ok with the whole thing. If it was the other way around I’m sure she would not be ok with it. Although if I spoke to her about it she would disagree and would say she would be happy for me.

 

its been eating at me for over a week now and if I can’t learn to control my feelings it will probably be the end of my relationship.

I feel like I can’t talk to her about it because it all sounds so ridiculous. Maybe I should just be happy for her but I am not in a good place at the moment and this just adds to my misery.

any help or advice would be great.

 

thanks

Edited July 4, 2020 by Prp75

[schlumpy]

It all depends.

Do you have good reasons to be jealous? Do you have good reasons to believe she will attach herself to someone else and dump you?

Good reasons can have a valid context that is rooted in her past behavior.

How do you know that she understands how you feel about this? You are afraid to tell her. Her motivations could be more money or a better work position if she does a good job on the project.

Where are you picking up vibes that this is threatening your relationship?

If you can't come up with any solid reasons, proof, or red flags then talk to a counselor to attempt to sort out your feelings. 

[smackie9]

You are being to vague. We need some background on what incidents of this kind have happened in the past. Why is your relationship hanging by a thread that you can’t discuss it any further? Etc. 

[Prp75]

18 hours ago, schlumpy said:

It all depends.

Do you have good reasons to be jealous? Do you have good reasons to believe she will attach herself to someone else and dump you?

Good reasons can have a valid context that is rooted in her past behavior.

How do you know that she understands how you feel about this? You are afraid to tell her. Her motivations could be more money or a better work position if she does a good job on the project.

Where are you picking up vibes that this is threatening your relationship?

If you can't come up with any solid reasons, proof, or red flags then talk to a counselor to attempt to sort out your feelings. 

I don’t think I do have good reasons to be jealous, but I am. It’s feeling I can not control.

she does not know how I feel about it. If I say anything it’s just going to sound crazy and it’ll just scare her away.

there is no money or prospects in the project. It’s a hobby. It’s a hobby similar to things we have done before but this time it was someone else’s idea and the approaches her, she accepted and started working with him.

she never hid it from me but there was no discussion about it at all.

there are no vibes that I’m picking up from her. It’s purely all coming  from me .

 

[Prp75]

16 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You are being to vague. We need some background on what incidents of this kind have happened in the past. Why is your relationship hanging by a thread that you can’t discuss it any further? Etc. 

Incidents of my jealousy?

or things that have actually happened?

[schlumpy]

3 hours ago, Prp75 said:

there are no vibes that I’m picking up from her. It’s purely all coming  from me .

Therapy is your only viable option. There are self-help books you can read and I'm sure they offer techniques and suggestions on how to overcome your feelings, but it really depends on your will power as to how effective they are. It's like reading a book on getting in shape and then having to actually do all the work required to reach that goal. That's where will power comes in.

You may not be giving her enough credit as to her feelings for you. She may be able to help you by reassuring you and making some extra effort that leaves you no doubt who is number one in her life. It may also create a crisis point that will break you up. It's hard to know who people are until they are tested.

It would be unreasonable for you to restrict your SO's freedom to associate with other people because of your innate fears. Especially if there is no past history or recent behavior to base those fears on. I would resent my wife if she felt the need to have such an obvious leash on me.

Do you two share passwords on all social media? Are you financially transparent to one another? That could help but it depends how deep the relationship is. Do you have plans for engagement and marriage or is she just one more in a long string of endless, nowhere relationships?

Nothing wrong with keeping your infidelity radar up and running. Your SO working closely with someone she may find attractive is something to keep an eye on but that could be done in an unobtrusive manner. Randomly stop by with coffee and snacks for them. Chat for a few minutes and leave. Get a feel for their body language when you are around. Make sure the other guy knows you are active in the relationship and confident.

Are they doing this project behind closed doors or in a public place like a library?

Lastly you could have a talk with your SO as to where your borders are and let them know what the consequences are if crossed. Then let them go and don't badger them. The downside is you will be expected to live up to the same boundaries you set for her. If you are not good at explaining things then this tactic may not be for you.

One thing you know is that you have to get a handle on these feelings or every relationship you have will be on the edge of the cliff. The fact that you very much aware of the dangers is a positive step forward but now comes the hard work of getting it under control.

Good luck.`

 

[smackie9]

10 hours ago, Prp75 said:

Incidents of my jealousy?

or things that have actually happened?

Both. We don’t know you or her or what led up to this.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/4/2020 at 12:06 PM, Prp75 said:

I feel like I can’t talk to her about it because it all sounds so ridiculous. Maybe I should just be happy for her but I am not in a good place at the moment and this just adds to my misery.

Maybe this is skewing your thoughts. Our perception of things is filtered through whatever external stressors we might have going on, so can you elaborate on that? What's happening in your life that you're not in a good place?

[ShyViolet]

So she's working on a project with someone.  You don't give much information on what type of project this is, or what type of relationship she really has with this person.  So I can only assume that there are no hidden motives.  You say yourself that there is no evidence of anything going on between them.

She has a right to have a life outside of her relationship with you.  She needs to have a life outside of this relationship.  That's normal.  If you tell her that you're not ok with her doing other things, pursuing her hobbies, then you are jeopardizing this relationship.  This is YOUR problem.  You should seek therapy to work on your insecurity and jealousy issues.

[xoxobby_25]

On 7/4/2020 at 8:06 PM, Prp75 said:

Hi.

 

ive been with my partner for over 7 years. In general things have been pretty good.

i have always struggled with jealousy and paranoia in previous relationships and now it’s seems it is rearing it’s ugly head in this one too.

it is all centering around a new project my partner is doing. Normally we do this kind of thing ourselves as we are both passionate about the subject but she has been approached by someone to work with them and she has accepted.

i feel left out and brushed aside. It does not help that I do not like the person she is now working alongside and I know they have and will be spending a lot of time together which will reduce the already small amount of time we have together. This combined with my lack of involvement makes me physically sick.

the more I think about it the more I think that I can’t believe she would think I would be ok with the whole thing. If it was the other way around I’m sure she would not be ok with it. Although if I spoke to her about it she would disagree and would say she would be happy for me.

 

its been eating at me for over a week now and if I can’t learn to control my feelings it will probably be the end of my relationship.

I feel like I can’t talk to her about it because it all sounds so ridiculous. Maybe I should just be happy for her but I am not in a good place at the moment and this just adds to my misery.

any help or advice would be great.

 

thanks

I have dealt with feelings jealously I feel like it’s ruining my life too. I can’t trust people I think everyone is just going to leave me or cheat and lie. Thats why I can’t get into a relationship. I need proof that someone loves me. 
 

I go to therapy for this and I also am aware that jealously is like this green monster you can’t control. You can only control how it affects you. It may be good to communicate in a respectful way of course.

[Mystery4u]

Really need more information.

What hobby is it? Who is the person that approached her and why don't you like them? If it's something you do together, how does this other person know she does this hobby? Is this the first time you are not doing it together? Why can't you be part of it as well, basically all 3 of you?

[Poutrew]

sometimes, you just have to accept inevitability, OP. Think of it as a test - when she leaves, will she come back? It's the first, and probably the most important test in a relationship. If she is going to cheat, best to find out ASAP.  If she comes back to you at the end of the day, you know something important about her, that she can be trusted. If she doesn't, well, it is best to find out  before you invest a major portion of your life in her. 

[usa1ah]

What is the project/hobby that she is doing with this other guy?

[kendahke]

On 7/4/2020 at 6:06 AM, Prp75 said:

t is all centering around a new project my partner is doing. Normally we do this kind of thing ourselves as we are both passionate about the subject but she has been approached by someone to work with them and she has accepted.

Since you two already have an established history of working on these projects together, what was her reason for not including you in on this when she first was approached and then when she told you she was doing this?  Does she come to you and ask questions/advice about it?