Ex a little ticked after I refused FWB offer

[WhatsWhat]

My ex ad I broke up around 2 months ago after 3 1/2 years. We're not young (both 55, never been married, no kids).
I had started a very long post about the breakup and possible second chance, but haven't posted that yet (maybe I will one day) because I'm really not 100% sure that I want a second chance of if I just miss having someone in my life).

Anyway, I do want some points of view on this scenario:

A few weeks after we broke up, I took all of his things over to his place. We got to talking and I told him that I wanted to work on our relationship and he said he just wanted to be friends. I said ' Well I'm not going to beg, give me a hug goodbye and I'll be on my way. He hugged me for a very long time and of course I started to cry (duh). In the middle of the long hug, he then said, can you just give me some time because I do still love you. When I said, I have to go home and have some dinner, he offered ad made me something at his place

Fast forward, I agreed to try the friends thing and said I would see how it went (possibly because I wanted a second chance, possibly because this damn COVID thing has me so isolated and lonely).

A few weeks ago, I told him I had to go up to this little town that we drove to often and said you're more than welcome to come along if you like. He did, and I picked him up at his place. The day went well and no awkward moments. Just before I left, he joked about how he thought I might have suggested to go upstairs and cuddle with him. I laughed and said 'No, you know how I feel about that'.

Present day, yesterday, he came over for a smoothie that I had promised him because he mowed my backyard for me (I hurt my back quite badly and haven't been able to do much).

He stayed form around 3pm to 9pm and we ordered a pizza. We got to talking and he squeezed my butt a few times. I told him that it wasn't his butt to squeeze anymore. FWB came up again and he got a little ticked/frustrated and said he wouldn't bring it up again. At one point in our conversation he said that he thought I was only texting him and joking around because I was bored (he initiates most of the texts).

I told him that I wanted to try the friends thing because that's what he said he wanted and that if he wanted anything more then maybe I should just leave him a lone.

He said, no, that's not all he wanted.

So my question is, what is it he would want? I know that he is the only one who truly knows, but just looking for some opinions.

FYI: he keeps joking about this guy that I interact with on Facebook and how he is my new boyfriend. He creeps the comments that this guy posts etc. God, it's just a guy I went to high school with and haven't seen in decades, and why the hell would he care?

He also  knew of something I mentioned that I couldn't find at the store and he texted me one day and said he picked on up for me.

His words and actions are really confusing.

Thoughts?

 

[stillafool]

It sounds like he just wants a FWB relationship with no labels.  The guy still needs sex, some good times and companionship.  He just doesn't want a label.  If he is spending his time with you and it's fun why do you need a label?  Do you want to marry him?

[Happy Lemming]

Do you really think he cut your grass for a smoothie? Come on, you are not that gullible.

Look, we have no idea how long this Covid-19 pandemic is going to last, if you don't want to be alone and isolated you might want to think about trying to re-establish some sort of a relationship with him.

And yes men like sex... I'm not saying to start a FWB type of scenario with him, maybe talk about getting back together with some relationship parameters that work for both of you.

What caused the breakup in the first place??

 

[Mrin]

Dude wants to get laid. 

[elaine567]

Did he break up with you?

[elaine567]

19 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Do you really think he cut your grass for a smoothie? Come on, you are not that gullible.

Exactly he hung around and hung around for 6 hours and squeezed your butt looking for sex...
No confusion, he wants sex.
Do not mistake jealousy for caring.
It doesn't work like that.

53 minutes ago, WhatsWhat said:

We got to talking and I told him that I wanted to work on our relationship and he said he just wanted to be friends.

Study a few years ago about being friends with exes.
Most common reason men wanted to be friends with exes?
Answer - possibility of sex.

[Ruby Slippers]

Why did you break up? 

He obviously wants to continue the sex, but if the relationship isn't working, it's unlikely you'll be happy with that, no matter how lonely you are. 

[WhatsWhat]

The smoothie wasn't a deal for cutting the grass. It was later that I offered to make him a smoothie and I just kind of jokingly said 'to pay you back for cutting the lawn'

It was later when he texted and said 'maybe I can come by this weekend for that smoothie you promised'

To answers the other questions, the break up occurred because of his lack of moving forward in the relationship after 3 1/2 years. He had previously been cheated on then bought a house with another girl who turned him down when he asked her to marry him. Basically, he is a commitment phobe. He said something that bothered me about his future one day that basically didn't really include me. I said I was a little ticked, it went from there and he said 'I just want to be friends right now, it feels like we've become that anyway'. Over the past couple of years I have been emotionally distant and non affectionate because this issue had come up back then as well and I was overly guarded. So much so that I really pulled away even though we spent every weekend together. He always surprised me by doing nice things for me, which was his way, I guess, of showing that he cared about me and I have apologized for hurting him in the way that I did by pulling back. But really, what the hell did he expect?

Even after me turning down the FWB attempt yesterday, he has already contacted me today.

Edited July 5, 2020 by WhatsWhat
typo

[WhatsWhat]

3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Why did you break up? 

He obviously wants to continue the sex, but if the relationship isn't working, it's unlikely you'll be happy with that, no matter how lonely you are. 

FWB is not an option, never has been

[WhatsWhat]

4 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Why did you break up? 

He obviously wants to continue the sex, but if the relationship isn't working, it's unlikely you'll be happy with that, no matter how lonely you are. 

To be honest, we actually hadn't had sex in quite some time

[WhatsWhat]

29 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Did he break up with you?

See my later post for some of the break up details :)

[Ruby Slippers]

Sounds like you had good reasons for moving on. Yes, it's hard to be alone at this time, but people are still dating. If I were you I'd go no contact so you can heal and prepare yourself to date again when you're ready. This halfway stuff isn't doing you any good. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he is happy for the company and maybe some physical affection, but doesn't want anything more. 

If you don't want your heart put through a blender, I would take real space from him. No more hang-outs, no more errands for each other. Unless and until he comes to you and concedes he made a mistake and wants to reconcile with the intent of committing further, you're spinning your wheels with this man. 

It will hurt, because you're used to having him around, but it doesn't seem he really adds anything to your life in terms of a true, long-lasting and satisfying partnership. 

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

it doesn't seem he really adds anything to your life in terms of a true, long-lasting and satisfying partnership. 

He is also blocking you from meeting someone else.
He is wasting your time.
Trouble with guys like this is that as soon as he meets someone he does want to be in a relationship with, you won't see him for dust.

47 minutes ago, WhatsWhat said:

He said something that bothered me about his future one day that basically didn't really include me.

That was your cue to leave.
 

[WhatsWhat]

4 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Sounds like you had good reasons for moving on. Yes, it's hard to be alone at this time, but people are still dating. If I were you I'd go no contact so you can heal and prepare yourself to date again when you're ready. This halfway stuff isn't doing you any good. 

Thank you

Yes, you are probably right :)

[WhatsWhat]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think he is happy for the company and maybe some physical affection, but doesn't want anything more. 

If you don't want your heart put through a blender, I would take real space from him. No more hang-outs, no more errands for each other. Unless and until he comes to you and concedes he made a mistake and wants to reconcile with the intent of committing further, you're spinning your wheels with this man. 

It will hurt, because you're used to having him around, but it doesn't seem he really adds anything to your life in terms of a true, long-lasting and satisfying partnership. 

Yes, thank you

You are right. The ball is in his court. Nothing I can do but take care of myself :)

[WhatsWhat]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

He is also blocking you from meeting someone else.
He is wasting your time.
Trouble with guys like this is that as soon as he meets someone he does want to be in a relationship with, you won't see him for dust.

That was your cue to leave.
 

That was indeed my cue and the point where I said 'I think it's best you leave' :)

I will hold off on meeting anyone for a bit though. Time to take care of myself for a while.

[stillafool]

After dating for 3-1/2 years and this guy still doesn't want to move forward there is nothing more to do but move on.  Any ex he had should be out of his head by now if he's with you.  

[Happy Lemming]

8 hours ago, WhatsWhat said:

Basically, he is a commitment phobe. He said something that bothered me about his future one day that basically didn't really include me.

He is 55, he has every right to be a commitment phobe.  What is the old saying about "Once Bitten - Twice shy".

I told my long term girlfriend that I didn't want to get married and she informed me that after getting divorced (many years ago) she didn't want to get re-married. So we are both on the same page.  For the record, I'm 54.

That being said... I did include her in my will, she gets about 95% of my assets with some money going to local charities.  So if I get creamed on my sportbike, she'll be just fine.  We both agreed this was a good compromise versus getting married.  Perhaps that can be the solution for your guy. 

Maybe he is scared of losing assets if the marriage dissolves?? Or paying alimony in a divorce settlement?? 

Edited July 6, 2020 by Happy Lemming

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 7/5/2020 at 7:51 AM, WhatsWhat said:

 

He stayed form around 3pm to 9pm and we ordered a pizza. We got to talking and he squeezed my butt a few times. I told him that it wasn't his butt to squeeze anymore. FWB came up again and he got a little ticked/frustrated and said he wouldn't bring it up again. At one point in our conversation he said that he thought I was only texting him and joking around because I was bored (he initiates most of the texts).

I told him that I wanted to try the friends thing because that's what he said he wanted and that if he wanted anything more then maybe I should just leave him a lone.

He said, no, that's not all he wanted.

So my question is, what is it he would want?

 

 

C'mon

Men have zero interest in being mere friends with women they wouldn't rather be banging.

 

(there are exceptions for coworkers, family friends, neighbors, people on the subway during commute times, etc.)

 

We all know what he wants   (yourself included).

 

 

[Beachead]

Hey Whatswhat,

It seems that what you desire in a relationship is different from what he delivers and what you both want are two different things.  But instead of cutting it off cleanly, you succumbed to the anxiety of feeling lonely, and you backtracked on the decision.  That was an error on your part.

Its unreasonable to even expect that the both of you could be friends, right after a breakup.  There are unresolved feelings and a long history between the both of you, that can only be sorted out and moved passed, alone.  Not together.   Two genuinely be friends, you both have to learn to live without eachother.  And only then, with some intermediary force that brings the two of you together again after you've BOTH healed, can you two genuinely be around eachother without ulterior motives.  You've both skipped that step so now things got insincere and dishonest.  For example,  he wants sex and interprets your continued communication with him as a possibility for it.    When it turns out plans don't lead to it, it frustrates him. 

If you don't want to be with him anymore, simplify your life and put an end to this.

- Beach

 

Edited July 12, 2020 by Beachead

[Not So Sad Now]

He's 55, he probably looks at other women and thinks he could have one of them and so broke up with you, but has then realised its not so easy to get sex these days.  So it would be really convenient for him to keep you hanging around while he's looking, and just in case he can't find anyone to replace you.  

He really doesn't care about you or whether he is preventing you from meeting someone else (you sound quite nice so I'd say the chances of that are reasonably high).

FWIW I'd like to point out how annoying men like these are to younger women.  They creep into our DMs, with stupid comments, trying to show that we have something in common, asking stupid questions that they think will make you reply.  They are usually physically unattractive and been round the block so many times they can't shake off their sleaziness (that is not to say that men of that age are all unattractive or nice, its just that lifestyle kind of shows up in your appearance at that age).  Its even kind of not so bad being like that at 25, or 30, but in a 55 year old, its not very desirable.

Do you really find any of that attractive?  Even enough to stay friends?  He has told you quite clearly who he is and what type of man he is. I'd run far away from this man, cut him out of your social media feeds and be wary of future interactions (because he is just looking for a receptacle for sex, to put it bluntly).  As a poster above noted, if he does meet someone else, you won't see him for dust.  In 5 years time, he will be 60 and wondering who is going to wipe his bottom when he gets senile.

[spiderowl]

He's just not going in the same direction as you and hasn't been for a while.  He still wants things to be the same though.  Unless you want to continue in a FWB relationship, you need to withdraw completely from this guy.  He is going to think he has a chance at sex otherwise.

I don't agree with some other posters that you were bound to understand he wanted sex.  He was the one who wanted to keep it as friends for the moment.  Friends does not automatically mean FWB.  Why would anyone who wanted commitment back off and accept a FWB relationship instead?  It doesn't make any sense at all.

Basically, OP, he will carry on seeking out your company as if nothing has changed, unless you change things.  This guys is going to hang around for sex as long as he is allowed to.  It's a shame that he can't just be friends but that is not your fault.  You could meet a nice guy who does want something more lasting with you.  Why waste any more time on this guy?  He is not going to change.  He still doesn't want commitment.