Loneliness is messed up (hard to write about and long)

[TomThomas]

I don't know where to reach out, because what I want, I can't get online. Even now, I'm thinking about why the hell am I writing this for strangers. Just typing on my keyboard, alone in my room lit only by my computer screen. Only wearing a tanktop and boxers, because after coming from the gym and taking a bath, I have no where to go or nothing to do...

Whats the purpose of one more post, that'll get at max a few replies and be forgotten. What I want is to do something, just something to change anything... I know when it all went wrong, but I have no idea when it'll get right. This started in highschool. This isn't one of those sob stories of hard teenage years, and finding myself, and all that. At the time, I didn't stress out about anything, I got along with a lot of people... Too many people.

I didn't have that close group of friends, but rather, multiple groups of friends I could hang around with. But I failed a year, and then took one more out to be sure of what university course to pick, and somehow I messed everything. So during those 2 years, lost contact with every friend that went along to college. I dont live in the US btw, here college is practically free and everyone goes to college. And all of those I considered friends, left my hometown to go to college, and well, the only friends I stayed in contact with, were my geeky friends with whom I played video games. And then, being my only group of friends, they became my closest group of friends and the ones i hanged around with more.

You have no idea how much I miss those 5am skype calls. Just sharing random videos and random music, goofing off in video games or talking about our lifes. Now, they werent just online friends, most of them were from my hometown, and some actually stayed here too so we did meet up in person.

Things were good and I had an idea of how I wanted to shape my life. I got a girlfriend and I had a path planned out. But you see, there was a problem. My family is in a weird limbo where its too poor to afford to send me to another city to study, and its too rich to receive state help... So I had an idea, I planned the entire year around me taking a lifeguard course and then working during the summer. Lifeguards make a good sum of money, and that could help my parents. And my girlfriend wanted to go to the same city has me, so we could share a room! Like, everything seemed perfect....

But then, the lifeguard course in city moved to another place and that messed eveything up... Now, If I wanted to take the course I'd have to do 40km everyday for 3 months. (and no, public transport werent available for the courses time) Thats wayyyyyyyy too much gasoline for us to afford.

So basically, in one single summer... In that one messed up summer, me and my girlfriend broke up, I had to pick a course out of my local college and was nervous as I could be because I wasn't sure I'd like that, and my aunt got diagnosed with a brain tumour... Oh and you think its bad? Well, it got worse...

Literally the day after I broke up with my girlfriend (and im not misusing the word literally btw), I met someone on discord... At first I thought it was a dude, but we talked for a few weeks and got a long great. Then finally, we decide to play overwatch and find out its a girl! Oh, and she was from my hometown!

She had also broken up with her BF a few weeks prior, and she helped me out a whole  lot... But we got too close to quickly and well... we had sex. And that one time we had sex, things messed up immensily. I said something in a manner that made her remember her ex bf and our relationship died there... She kept telling me she needed time to be single again and all that... And then, only 2 weeks after the incident, she started hooking up with another dude... We werent official or anything like that, but f*** it hurt so much like she cheated on me... So we cut off contact and suddenly I was dealing with that stuff alone... I was getting over 2 girls, I still had no idea if I wanted the college course i applied too or not, and my aunt was still dying from a brain tumor and getting worse and worse... I went to psychologist and she said Its too early to classify what I was feeling as depression, but it could easily lead there If I didn't do something about it. (All I described here happened in a 2/3 month spam btw)

The rest of that summer was the worst month of my life. My aunt was getting worse by the day, and seeing my mom suffer because of it was the worst part. And I didn't feel like playing anything, watching anything or even doing anything. I spent the rest of that summer completely numb, barely being able to help my mom out coping with my aunts inevitable death.

But then, college happened, and thankfully that didn't disappoint... I made friends in college and my god did they help me. I love those guys. My aunt died only a few weeks after I got into college, and I have no idea how I'd deal with it without the help of my college friends. Eventually, i got over the 2 girls (not without the scars though, but ill get into that later) and I enjoyed my college course!

But while I was in college, there was one more event that marked me and hurt like hell... So, I started hanging around much more with my college, friends. Its not like Im an extrovert, I'd say im an ambivert. But I got an arm injury during the gym and I stopped playing video games. So I kinda stopped online gaming althogether and spending way more time with my college friends then my online friends. Now I still tried again and again to spend time with my online frineds, specially during summer when my hometowns completely empty. But nope. They just wanted to play more video games and screw and in real life interaction... So I started to hang around way more with my college friends when they came back.

But well, one day, kinda easy to remember the day btw, it was the release of Avengers End Game... I got home hyped up over the movie. I just wanted to talk with someone about it, so i log into discord and message one of my online friends. And he didn't reply. Hours pass and I go into the group call and ask around for him, and everyone went silent... Truth was, that friend died a few weeks beforehand and no one told me. NO ONE. It was totally unexpected and NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM TOLD ME.

I completely blew up. And the worst came when they blamed me for not knowing, since I barely came around discord anymore... After that day, after refusing to meet up in person when I was unable to do anything with them because of my arm injury, after they literally didn't told me a friend died... Well they all died to me... I remember that night going around at 2am into my friends house crying about what I had just learned and how supportive they were.

This was supposed to be our last year... And then, Corona happened. They all live far away and I this year when we were supposed to go all out, nothing happened. We're all getting the degree and they'll start working. I dont think we'll ever be all together again, and its kinda hard to with corona still around...

And now that the hard part is out of they way, I guess I'll talk about those relationship scars I meantioned earlier. After that ''getting over 2 girls shenanigans'', I started wanting a serious relationship. I got tired of hooking up and just stop pursuing. I'm still so tied of chasing girls and just wanna jump over that annoying phase. Thing is, I'm not unattractive, heck, by what I hear and number of tinder matches, I'm a bit above average, but I'm also not attractive enough to get girls to chase me.

So I'm in this weird state, where no matter how to and attractive the girl is, I'm not interest. Like I'm attracted, I didn't get traumatized out of my heterosexuallity, but I'm not interested. I can start texting a girl, they get boring and I move along quick. Not hurt or affacted, just completely indifferent. But I do want a relationship, a real, serious committed relationship. But no girl younger then me wants to commit or seems to be interested on someting serious. And I really dont want to chase anymore...

And I can't even say I miss sex. What I truly miss and want are those little things... Like coming back home, and not taking out my jacket because it has her smell all over it. The inside jokes only we laugh about. Making random last hour plans and just having fun without anything planned. Texting and messaging until late AM's like we dont have to get up tomorrow. Someone to talk about common intesrests. Buying and surprising her with her favorite food. Taking her out just to walk my dog. Her calling me sweet because I remember something obscure about her or I'm slighly worried about a light problem. The random nonsensical i love you text. Someone that could read all this s*** and understand me...

TL;DR: I dont have any friends and I cant seem to get interested in anyone, although i do want a relationship. These last few months have been so lonely... So, so lonely... And I dont know what to do.

Edited July 9, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Roswell91]

8 hours ago, TomThomas said:

I don't know where to reach out, because what I want, I can't get online. Even now, I'm thinking about why the hell am I writing this for strangers. Just typing on my keyboard, alone in my room lit only by my computer screen. Only wearing a tanktop and boxers, because after coming from the gym and taking a bath, I have no where to go or nothing to do...

Whats the purpose of one more f***ing post, that'll get at max a few replies and be forgotten. What I want is to do something, just something to change anything... I know when it all went wrong, but I have no idea when it'll get right. This started in highschool. This isn't one of those sob stories of hard teenage years, and finding myself, and all that. At the time, I didn't stress out about anything, I got along with a lot of people... Too many people.

I didn't have that close group of friends, but rather, multiple groups of friends I could hang around with. But I failed a year, and then took one more out to be sure of what university course to pick, and somehow I f***ed everything. So during those 2 years, lost contact with every friend that went along to college. I dont live in the US btw, here college is practically free and everyone goes to college. And all of those I considered friends, left my hometown to go to college, and well, the only friends I stayed in contact with, were my geeky friends with whom I played video games. And then, being my only group of friends, they became my closest group of friends and the ones i hanged around with more.

You have no idea how much I miss those 5am skype calls. Just sharing random videos and random music, goofing off in video games or talking about our lifes. Now, they werent just online friends, most of them were from my hometown, and some actually stayed here too so we did meet up in person.

Things were good and I had an idea of how I wanted to shape my life. I got a girlfriend and I had a path planned out. But you see, there was a problem. My family is in a weird limbo where its too poor to afford to send me to another city to study, and its too rich to receive state help... So I had an idea, I planned the entire year around me taking a lifeguard course and then working during the summer. Lifeguards make a good sum of money, and that could help my parents. And my girlfriend wanted to go to the same city has me, so we could share a room! Like, everything seemed perfect....

But then, the lifeguard course in city moved to another place and that f***ed eveything up... Now, If I wanted to take the course I'd have to do 40km everyday for 3 months. (and no, public transport werent available for the courses time) Thats wayyyyyyyy too much gasoline for us to afford.

So basically, in one single summer... In that one motherf***ing summer, me and my girlfriend broke up, I had to pick a course out of my local college and was nervous as f*** because I wasn't sure I'd like that, and my aunt got diagnosed with a brain tumour... Oh and you think its bad? Well, it got worse...

Literally the day after I broke up with my girlfriend (and im not misusing the word literally btw), I met someone on discord... At first I thought it was a dude, but we talked for a few weeks and got a long great. Then finally, we decide to play overwatch and find out its a girl! Oh, and she was from my hometown!

She had also broken up with her BF a few weeks prior, and she helped me out a whole f***ing lot... But we got too close to quickly and well... we had sex. And that one time we had sex, things f***ed up immensily. I said something in a manner that made her remember her ex bf and our relationship died there... She kept telling me she needed time to be single again and all that... And then, only 2 weeks after the incident, she started hooking up with another dude... We werent official or anything like that, but f*** it hurt so much like she cheated on me... So we cut off contact and suddenly I was dealing with that s*** alone... I was getting over 2 girls, I still had no f***ing idea if I wanted the college course i applied too or not, and my aunt was still dying from a brain tumor and getting worse and worse... I went to psychologist and she said Its too early to classify what I was feeling as depression, but it could easily lead there If I didn't do something about it. (All I described here happened in a 2/3 month spam btw)

The rest of that summer was the worst month of my life. My aunt was getting worse by the day, and seeing my mom suffer because of it was the worst part. And I didn't feel like playing anything, watching anything or even doing anything. I spent the rest of that summer completely numb, barely being able to help my mom out coping with my aunts inevitable death.

But then, college happened, and thankfully that didn't disappoint... I made friends in college and my god did they help me. I f***ing love those guys. My aunt died only a few weeks after I got into college, and I have no idea how I'd deal with it without the help of my college friends. Eventually, i got over the 2 girls (not without the scars though, but ill get into that later) and I enjoyed my college course!

But while I was in college, there was one more event that marked me and hurt like hell... So, I started hanging around much more with my college, friends. Its not like Im an extrovert, I'd say im an ambivert. But I got an arm injury during the gym and I stopped playing video games. So I kinda stopped online gaming althogether and spending way more time with my college friends then my online friends. Now I still tried again and again to spend time with my online frineds, specially during summer when my hometowns completely empty. But nope. They just wanted to play more video games and screw and in real life interaction... So I started to hang around way more with my college friends when they came back.

But well, one day, kinda easy to remember the day btw, it was the release of Avengers End Game... I got home hyped as f*** over the movie. I just wanted to talk with someone about it, so i log into discord and message one of my online friends. And he didn't reply. Hours pass and I go into the group call and ask around for him, and everyone went silent... Truth was, that friend died a few weeks beforehand and no one told me. NO ONE. It was totally unexpected and NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM TOLD ME.

I completely blew up. And the worst came when they blamed me for not knowing, since I barely came around discord anymore... After that day, after refusing to meet up in person when I was unable to do anything with them because of my arm injury, after they literally didn't told me a friend died... Well they all died to me... I remember that night going around at 2am into my friends house crying about what I had just learned and how f***ing supportive they were.

This was supposed to be our last year... And then, Corona happened. They all live far away and I this year when we were supposed to go all out, nothing f***ing happened. We're all getting the degree and they'll start working. I dont think we'll ever be all together again, and its kinda hard to with corona still around...

And now that the hard part is out of they way, I guess I'll talk about those relationship scars I meantioned earlier. After that ''getting over 2 girls shenanigans'', I started wanting a serious relationship. I got tired of hooking up and just stop pursuing. I'm still so tied of chasing girls and just wanna jump over that annoying phase. Thing is, I'm not unattractive, heck, by what I hear and number of tinder matches, I'm a bit above average, but I'm also not attractive enough to get girls to chase me.

So I'm in this weird state, where no matter how to and attractive the girl is, I'm not interest. Like I'm attracted, I didn't get traumatized out of my heterosexuallity, but I'm not interested. I can start texting a girl, they get boring and I move along quick. Not hurt or affacted, just completely indifferent. But I do want a relationship, a real, serious committed relationship. But no girl younger then me wants to commit or seems to be interested on someting serious. And I really dont want to chase anymore...

And I can't even say I miss sex. What I truly miss and want are those little things... Like coming back home, and not taking out my jacket because it has her smell all over it. The inside jokes only we laugh about. Making random last hour plans and just having fun without anything planned. Texting and messaging until late AM's like we dont have to get up tomorrow. Someone to talk about common intesrests. Buying and surprising her with her favorite food. Taking her out just to walk my dog. Her calling me sweet because I remember something obscure about her or I'm slighly worried about a light problem. The random nonsensical i love you text. Someone that could read all this s*** and understand me...

TL;DR: I dont have any friends and I cant seem to get interested in anyone, although i do want a relationship. These last few months have been so lonely... So, so f***ing lonely... And I dont know what to do.

Being in lockdown for the last few months im sure  a lot of people can relate.

The beginning stages i.e. before a relationship happens can drag on and be boring. But i think a lot of people say its a numbers game (OLD). Therefore its something you have to go through in order to reach your ultimate goal.

Also you need to try and change your mindset, look  on the bright side. Remind yourself of the good things you have and what life has to offer. 

Edited July 6, 2020 by Roswell91

[CaliforniaGirl]

Your pain comes through so strongly. You have been through way, way too much in a short time. But most significantly, in my opinion...is that you have lost so many people. When you describe no longer being able to stay interested in any one girl, it makes me wonder whether you have literally just shut down, so you can't be hurt like that again.

Have you considered therapy? Nobody should have to quietly carry all this around.

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Your pain comes through so strongly. You have been through way, way too much in a short time. But most significantly, in my opinion...is that you have lost so many people. When you describe no longer being able to stay interested in any one girl, it makes me wonder whether you have literally just shut down, so you can't be hurt like that again.

Have you considered therapy? Nobody should have to quietly carry all this around.

I agree with this, OP your pain is very apparent in that post. The thing about life though , its difficult, good times don't last forever and bad times can linger but you need to see through those times to the core of life itself and here we all have a choice, choose to lie down or choose to get up and fight. You wont win every battle but trust me its better to loose fighting than to loose by giving up.

 

[Roswell91]

9 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Your pain comes through so strongly. You have been through way, way too much in a short time. But most significantly, in my opinion...is that you have lost so many people. When you describe no longer being able to stay interested in any one girl, it makes me wonder whether you have literally just shut down, so you can't be hurt like that again.

Have you considered therapy? Nobody should have to quietly carry all this around.

😂 why is therapy always  a solution on here.

It really is an american thing ain't it.

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, Roswell91 said:

😂 why is therapy always  a solution on here.

It really is an american thing ain't it.

It isn't always the solution. But when someone is this devastated, it may be called for. 

If by "here" you mean LS, obviously people are coming here with problems and issues. I wouldn't advise the general public in casual conversation to get therapy every time they frown or something. Some pretty devastated commentary gets posted here at times. Well beyond typical disappointments.

[Roswell91]

12 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

It isn't always the solution. But when someone is this devastated, it may be called for. 

If by "here" you mean LS, obviously people are coming here with problems and issues. I wouldn't advise the general public in casual conversation to get therapy every time they frown or something. Some pretty devastated commentary gets posted here at times. Well beyond typical disappointments.

Fair enough.

 

[Ellener]

On 7/5/2020 at 10:11 PM, TomThomas said:

I dont have any friends and I cant seem to get interested in anyone, although i do want a relationship. These last few months have been so lonely... So, so f***ing lonely... And I dont know what to do.

I hear you, feel the same in many ways, except when I look back over my longer life there's a lot more I could say I messed up! 

You write very well. Hope you write more.

I have nothing concrete to offer, struggling badly with loneliness and depression myself, just going through the motions...all I can say is nothing lasts forever, the pain of losses does fade. We're all in this state of limbo right now....even everyday life is gone for a lot of us, and wondering what the hell do we do next...

Sending you a big hug across the internet ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

 

[BaileyB]

On 7/7/2020 at 8:04 AM, Roswell91 said:

why is therapy always  a solution on here.

Because people want to be helpful, they generally don’t want to see another individual suffering. But there are limits as to what strangers on the internet can say to be of any comfort or assistance. And sometimes, there are problems that require more time and support than a bunch of well-intended, but untrained, internet strangers can offer...

[Fresh_Start]

You need to learn to channel this adversity into something positive and constructive that will build character and confidence.  It's not about the number of times you get knocked down; it's about the number of times you get back up.

I use myself as a personal example from time to time in my replies to others when I feel it will serve as inspiration and this is going to be one of those times because of how closely the things you're feeling right now mirror a relatively early chapter of my own life and for similar reasons.  

When I was 15, I was diagnosed with Grave's Disease, which is a complete anomaly for a teenage male.  It turned me into a skinny beanpole and I even lost most of my eyebrows.  As a sophomore in high school, we were all still finding our way and wanting to fit in.  Nobody wanted to be friends with a guy who looked like he was dying of cancer.  All of my friends ditched me and the only person who stood by me through all of it outside of my family was my girlfriend.  I received a radioactive iodine treatment that nuked my thyroid out of existence and while I was recovering from that, my girlfriend was raped and murdered by her own stepfather the day before my 16th birthday.  My own father was a selfish prick who didn't allow me to grieve so I had to overcome that without any friends or even support from my family.  I got into writing poetry, which is something I am exceptionally talented at, and I buried myself in the gym. 

That summer I had a rebound relationship and she helped me get over my murdered girlfriend.  However, at the end of the summer and right before the fall semester of my Junior year in high school her and her family skipped town without telling anyone.  I drove to her apartment out of concern after not being able to call or leave a voicemail (this was before cell phones) and when I got there it was abandoned with a myriad of items strewn about, discarded, and left behind like they had clearly left in a hurry.  I didn't get a call from her to even explain what had happened or where she was for a month.  In that time, I remember telling myself: "I am never going to date again."  I said that as a 16 year old kid who had just lost back to back girlfriends in a traumatic way.

Over that summer, my eyebrows grew back and I went from looking like an emaciated alien to the biggest and strongest kid in my high school by the start of my Junior year.  All of a sudden, everybody wanted to be my friend and every girl wanted to date me.  It wasn't just because I looked good, but because of the confidence I had gained from overcoming adversity in a positive and constructive way.  I resonated confidence; it was part of my aura.  Initially, despite girls literally buying me gifts and asking me out, I turned them all down and refused to date anybody like I said I was going to.  You can probably imagine how well that was received by high schoolers.  It wasn't long before rumors about me being gay started to circulate and that lit a fire in me that turned me into a bodybuilder, the star of the football team, the MVP of the #7 rugby team in the country, a published poet, and a serial dater/player for the next 5 years of my life until I met the woman who would later become my wife (now divorced).

And this is just one chapter out of a story that will someday be a book and very likely a movie.  I've thought about posting it here to serve as inspiration, but it's way too long for a post.  I can confidently and unequivocally guarantee that nobody here has had to endure more tragedy, adversity, and tribulation than I have.  It's a story that would blow the minds of everybody here and not even seem real.  I'd likely get accused of lying and making things up.  Been there before as far as people passing judgment and it all did was add more fuel to my fire.  I became invincible and was the personification of confidence.  There was nothing I couldn't do or achieve even after developing a disability (not a physical one), going from a successful business owner to homeless because of the disability and a series of unfortunate events that are part of the story I mentioned, to back on my feet and currently in the process of opening my second business -- which would have already happened if not for COVID-19 and the lockdown.  

You can overcome this, but only when you chose to.  Only when you're ready to take that adversity and use it to light a fire in you the way I did.  You will overcome, you will persevere, and you will be a better person for it.  The longest journey begins with a single step, as the saying goes, and your first step is to dig deep inside yourself and channel your own adversity into something positive and constructive that will build your character, your confidence, and reinvent who you are.  The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running.

[TomThomas]

Thanks for the supportive comments.

 

Overall, that was all just a massive vent full of grammatical errors. Summers just havent been the same since that one and now its hurting even harder because of corona. Its like I havent seen my friends in months and I dont think we'll have one more night out like we used to. When I posted that, I was having a down period, and now I'm having another one where I just sit here, listening to spotify and thinking of things to make my life better, but not finding anything. I go back to back like: ''hey, maybe if I message this guy or that one'' I can string along a conversation. But we aren't the texting bunch, more of the lets call and meet up bunch. So theres nothing they can do.

But I want to get out my house. I want to do something and have fun, or just talk about things, listen to what they've been doing in their hometowns. I want some joy, some moments where I'm just living in the present and not thinking about what i could do to get better. Or I'm faking being alright when In fact, I know Im not... I'm just so f***ing tired of this. I know these periods come in waves. I know tomorrow or after that I'm going to ''forget'' how s*** my life is and the problems, but truth is apathy doesn't get rid of this f***ing self-loathing i'm feeling.

 

 

Then, with each tinder match I'm constantly reminded of how much of a slum I am. I'm at 36 matches in 2 weeks, which by the averages I see online, its pretty good for living in a town about an 1 hour and an half away from a big city. So I message them, and I just kind of lose interest. Every single one of those 36 either didn't reply, or started to get boring quick. And its not because I dont find them attractive, as I've said, I dont know whats wrong with me, but I can find a girl attractive and feel zero interest in talking with her. Yet, still want to find that connection of real caring that only comes after really getting to know someone. I'm a lonesome paradox and I have no idea of how to sort this out.

 

 

I dont even know what kind of psychologist could help with my case. The kind that treats loneliness with sexology degree maybe? I dont know, that sounds like a niche thatd be hard to find in a place like my hometown.

[TomThomas]

31 minutes ago, Fresh_Start said:

You need to learn to channel this adversity into something positive and constructive that will build character and confidence.  It's not about the number of times you get knocked down; it's about the number of times you get back up.

I use myself as a personal example from time to time in my replies to others when I feel it will serve as inspiration and this is going to be one of those times because of how closely the things you're feeling right now mirror a relatively early chapter of my own life and for similar reasons.  

When I was 15, I was diagnosed with Grave's Disease, which is a complete anomaly for a teenage male.  It turned me into a skinny beanpole and I even lost most of my eyebrows.  As a sophomore in high school, we were all still finding our way and wanting to fit in.  Nobody wanted to be friends with a guy who looked like he was dying of cancer.  All of my friends ditched me and the only person who stood by me through all of it outside of my family was my girlfriend.  I received a radioactive iodine treatment that nuked my thyroid out of existence and while I was recovering from that, my girlfriend was raped and murdered by her own stepfather the day before my 16th birthday.  My own father was a selfish prick who didn't allow me to grieve so I had to overcome that without any friends or even support from my family.  I got into writing poetry, which is something I am exceptionally talented at, and I buried myself in the gym. 

That summer I had a rebound relationship and she helped me get over my murdered girlfriend.  However, at the end of the summer and right before the fall semester of my Junior year in high school her and her family skipped town without telling anyone.  I drove to her apartment out of concern after not being able to call or leave a voicemail (this was before cell phones) and when I got there it was abandoned with a myriad of items strewn about, discarded, and left behind like they had clearly left in a hurry.  I didn't get a call from her to even explain what had happened or where she was for a month.  In that time, I remember telling myself: "I am never going to date again."  I said that as a 16 year old kid who had just lost back to back girlfriends in a traumatic way.

Over that summer, my eyebrows grew back and I went from looking like an emaciated alien to the biggest and strongest kid in my high school by the start of my Junior year.  All of a sudden, everybody wanted to be my friend and every girl wanted to date me.  It wasn't just because I looked good, but because of the confidence I had gained from overcoming adversity in a positive and constructive way.  I resonated confidence; it was part of my aura.  Initially, despite girls literally buying me gifts and asking me out, I turned them all down and refused to date anybody like I said I was going to.  You can probably imagine how well that was received by high schoolers.  It wasn't long before rumors about me being gay started to circulate and that lit a fire in me that turned me into a bodybuilder, the star of the football team, the MVP of the #7 rugby team in the country, a published poet, and a serial dater/player for the next 5 years of my life until I met the woman who would later become my wife (now divorced).

And this is just one chapter out of a story that will someday be a book and very likely a movie.  I've thought about posting it here to serve as inspiration, but it's way too long for a post.  I can confidently and unequivocally guarantee that nobody here has had to endure more tragedy, adversity, and tribulation than I have.  It's a story that would blow the minds of everybody here and not even seem real.  I'd likely get accused of lying and making things up.  Been there before as far as people passing judgment and it all did was add more fuel to my fire.  I became invincible and was the personification of confidence.  There was nothing I couldn't do or achieve even after developing a disability (not a physical one), going from a successful business owner to homeless because of the disability and a series of unfortunate events that are part of the story I mentioned, to back on my feet and currently in the process of opening my second business -- which would have already happened if not for COVID-19 and the lockdown.  

You can overcome this, but only when you chose to.  Only when you're ready to take that adversity and use it to light a fire in you the way I did.  You will overcome, you will persevere, and you will be a better person for it.  The longest journey begins with a single step, as the saying goes, and your first step is to dig deep inside yourself and channel your own adversity into something positive and constructive that will build your character, your confidence, and reinvent who you are.  The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running.

I mean, not everything in my life is bad right now, I graduaded this year sooooo..... Yay? It just feels so flat, because it all ended so sudden and without much forwarning... Some random dude decided to eat bat soup in China and f*** a whole lot of people up I guess... I'm aware that I'm just another one, that I'm not special in this predicament. That in some time, thinks will get better. But thinking that doesn't make the present any better. Just hides how s*** the present is.

I don't feel like my problem is lack of focus or confidence. But rather, loneliness and being unable to connect with new people. It gets frustrating sometimes and when I made my first post, I needed venting. Now, I need to vent some more. And its not even something new or an update, because the days have been all the same boring lonesome mess.

[Fresh_Start]

6 minutes ago, TomThomas said:

I don't feel like my problem is lack of focus or confidence.

Never said it was.  My advice was to channel the adversity into something positive and constructive.  The character and confidence it will build are an invaluable secondary consequence.  Remember that I was in your shoes once not too far from your own current age so the whole purpose of my post was to first show you the similarities, but more importantly to show you how I overcame it.  So, rather than talking about how sh*t the present is start taking baby steps towards a brighter future.  You will also feel a lot less lonely and more able to connect with others when you do. 

"If you are lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company." -- Jean-Paul Sartre