Boyfriends drinking and behaviour

[Erica_2]

Hi,

I’ve been with boyfriend for just over 3 years. He is a sweet, gentle, loyal and affectionate guy and it’s so easy to be with him. He is 28 and I am 30, He has always liked his beer, usually on weekend nights but occasionally on weeknights. The thing is, he doesn’t know when to stop, his family also say this. He gets excitable when drunk, and is never abusive or mean to me. He will be drinking and then proceed to take a few cans up to bed with us and drink until he falls asleep. Normally in an upright position and I have to get him to lie down properly. There has been the odd occasion (maybe twice) that he has actually wet the bed due to the beer.

When we go out, he will drink until he is unable to properly walk, this has led me to walking ahead of him to get us home whilst he falls into shutters and falls asleep on the way home. The other night we went out with my friends, they were leaving and he said “we’ll probably stay for a few more” my friend said “Hannah wants to go home, so that means you finish your drink and order a taxi” we went to two more bars, and then his dads house, here I was ready to go home and he was drunk on the couch, his brother telling him to get up. His brother gave me his jacket to go home in whilst my boyfriend was too drunk to get much sense out of. 
 

I love him and the thought of leaving him upsets me so much. However even when we discuss what holiday to go on next, he will talk about “getting smashed”. It’s annoying me now, as what company is that for me?

I just wish he could have a few drinks and not get sloppy drunk near enough each time. 
 

Next time this happens, I will have a conversion with him. I don’t want to control him, but the lack of regard for me when he is drunk is getting me down now. 
 

I guess I just need to vent, and advice would be great. 

 

Thank you 

[clia]

Is this happening every time he drinks, or is it more infrequent?  My patience would wear very thin at having to take care of a drunk on a frequent basis.  (And a grown man peeing the bed -- beyond gross.  I expect you were the one who cleaned it up.)  You are well within your rights to have a conversation with him about his drinking, and to tell him that you will not be babysitting him anymore when he has too much to drink.  It's one thing if it happens rarely/occasionally (like once or twice a year), but if this is a regular occurrence for him, it's not unexpected and he knows what's going to happen.  He's, frankly, too old for this type of behavior.  It's time to grow up.  Have the conversation before it happens again -- why wait?  If this turns out to be something that he cannot get a handle on, then you should really consider whether you want to live with it for the rest of your life.  

[d0nnivain]

Find yourself an Al-Anon meeting.  It's a group for people who love people who have problems with alcohol.  You will gain insight into yourself & him.  Armed with more knowledge, you will be better able to make a good decision about what to do next.  

[Foxhall]

generally whats behind drinking like that is the person wants to forget their daily life or there is something on his mind that he wants to blank out, something bothering him or something that he is ashamed of,

I suspect you will find it hard to draw that out of him, but perhaps try probing him to find out more about his previous life and so on,

working towards him completely giving up the drink would be the best outcome but you will likely have a tricky few years ahead before that happens, should you decide to stay with him.

I think you need to be braver in the relationship, I am thinking you are probably quite meek going along with his drinking,

you will need to be tougher and start letting him know you do not appreciate his behaviour,

then again whether you want the trouble of that is another story. 

[major_merrick]

In order to present your case to you BF without endangering the relationship, I'd start by working with his family.  Obviously if his brother is hinting strongly that it is time for your BF to go home, he's had enough of it too.  So have a talk with them, and see what you all can do together.  Drunks and addicts will frequently discount the advice or warnings of one person, which is why "interventions" usually involve a group of people.  I'm not suggesting an intervention, only that you need some support first. 

Your BF has definitely got a problem.  But he's got to have some motivation to fix the problem.  Does he give any reasons for why he wants to get drunk all the time?  Is there something he's trying to forget?  You need to get this solved before you go deeper into your relationship with him....but don't bail out of the relationship yet either.  The way you describe him, he's got some good qualities.  There's hope!

My husband was (is?) a high-functioning alcoholic.  He and I would drink together years ago, and later on he would drink with another close partner.  For all three of us, we were just wanting to relax and turn off our brains to overcome our really crappy pasts.  He was never sloppy drunk, always in control, and about as responsible as an alcoholic can be...but the quantity of alcohol he drank was astonishing.  I became concerned for his health, and I'm so thankful he has mostly stopped drinking.  It was worth the work, but I had to walk a fine line to NOT be the "nagging wife." 

[Redhead14]

He is an alcoholic.  An alcoholic's #1 priority is alcohol.  He has to want help.  You are only dating this guy and you are not obligated to "stick by his side" and help him through recovery.  Tolerating his drinking and accepting that he wets the bed is nothing more than enabling.  You should not try to control him.  You can't do that. It's his responsibility to control himself.  What you do have control over is you.  I would end this now and encourage him to seek rehabilitation.  It's been three years.  But, see my note below. And, it is not your duty to go to Al Anon to support him as simply a girlfriend.  I would encourage you do to that if you at least had a ring on your finger but you didn't mention engagement.  Unless that happened, you are still in the period for evaluating whether or not he is a suitable marriage partner as he is without needing to change him in order to be happy.

"lack of regard for me when he is drunk" - He has a lack of regard for you before he gets drunk or else he would be doing a better job of controlling himself.

"Next time this happens, I will have a conversion with him" - If you just plain can't end it yet, don't wait for a next time.  Talk to him now while he is sober and tell him that he must get this under control and then observe whether he even makes an attempt to do it.   And, if it does happen again after the talk, you end it straight up, right then and there.  This way, when you do end it, you won't be second guessing yourself about whether you should have given him another chance, etc.  You speak to him and then deliver the consequences for failure.

 

 

 

Edited July 17, 2020 by Redhead14

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

OP, you would probably be surprised how common this story is.

The dynamics that stand out a bit for me, are that you are 2 years older than him and also seem to be on good terms with his family. You and his family seem to share like-minded opinions.

If you want your boyfriend to respect your "Genetic Clock," he is probably not going to have a great sense of that until he is in his early 30's and some, not me, but some would say even that is too late, if a family is an option that you want to pursue.

Here is the thing: If you leave, it sounds like you are the only anchor from him just binge drinking all the time and maybe that is what he needs, to experience that for himself and decide if it is something he wants. It is clearly something you do not want.

You also sound very in love with this guy though and it sounds like, once you leave, your either gonna orbit him for a long time or just move on. Tough feelings.

[Dork Vader]

On 7/6/2020 at 3:55 AM, Hannah90 said:

Hi,

I’ve been with boyfriend for just over 3 years. He is a sweet, gentle, loyal and affectionate guy and it’s so easy to be with him. He is 28 and I am 30, He has always liked his beer, usually on weekend nights but occasionally on weeknights. The thing is, he doesn’t know when to stop, his family also say this. He gets excitable when drunk, and is never abusive or mean to me. He will be drinking and then proceed to take a few cans up to bed with us and drink until he falls asleep. Normally in an upright position and I have to get him to lie down properly. There has been the odd occasion (maybe twice) that he has actually wet the bed due to the beer.

When we go out, he will drink until he is unable to properly walk, this has led me to walking ahead of him to get us home whilst he falls into shutters and falls asleep on the way home. The other night we went out with my friends, they were leaving and he said “we’ll probably stay for a few more” my friend said “Hannah wants to go home, so that means you finish your drink and order a taxi” we went to two more bars, and then his dads house, here I was ready to go home and he was drunk on the couch, his brother telling him to get up. His brother gave me his jacket to go home in whilst my boyfriend was too drunk to get much sense out of. 
 

I love him and the thought of leaving him upsets me so much. However even when we discuss what holiday to go on next, he will talk about “getting smashed”. It’s annoying me now, as what company is that for me?

I just wish he could have a few drinks and not get sloppy drunk near enough each time. 
 

Next time this happens, I will have a conversion with him. I don’t want to control him, but the lack of regard for me when he is drunk is getting me down now. 
 

I guess I just need to vent, and advice would be great. 

 

Thank you 

I do agree you need to find an AL-Anon meeting but they need to be GOOD meetings and those can be very difficult to find. Many AL-Anon meetings are nothing but a group of bitter people bashing their alcoholic family member. Don't be embarrassed of attending, view it as a place where you can learn about what alcoholism is and in general about alcoholism. You can then make the determination on your own whether or not he needs help. If you're not capable of that, then you need to see a substance abuse therapist and talk to them about it. 

I'm an alcoholic in recovery and have 6 years sober. I can tell you right now that this behavior is very much so an alcoholics. It would be one thing if it was infrequent, such as on a holiday he had a bit too much fun. But every time he drinks, that tells you a lot. I can't quote the big book exactly, but one of the lines in the book. Goes something like this, it's not how much we drink, but what happens when we drink. Then there is also the impact it has on our lives, it starts to negatively impact our work, our personal relationships and so on. If you're honest with yourself, does it upset you? If so then it's negatively impacting his relationship with you. 

One very common thing for alcoholics to do, especially in the early stages is form rituals that they try to use to control their drinking. Only on weekends, I'll have one beer and one glass of water, only drinking wine, only drinking beer, only liquor..I mean the list is endless. The problem is with time those rituals fail and the alcoholism will take over.