Having a Healthy Sexual Relationship After an Affair

[ETPhoneHome]

Hi, 

I'm new to the site, so if there is already a thread for such a topic, please feel free to direct me there. 

 

Long story short, after 8 years, I married my high school sweetheart. Shortly thereafter, we moved 17.5 hours away from where we grew up, so I could pursue an advanced degree. After only three years of marriage and right before she was scheduled to move back to our home state (July, 2019; I was to follow a month later), I discovered she had an affair the summer before. Obviously, this was shocking and deviating. What was worse is I was led to believe we would attempt working things out only to discover, once I moved back, we were separated. For months, I wanted to reconcile, but was met with rejection furthering feelings of inadequacy. As soon as she was able due to relocation laws (January, 2020), she filed for divorce.

 

In March, I started talking with a new woman who is absolutely amazing. I explained I was getting divorced and my wife's infidelity and this new woman has been very understanding. Because of the pandemic, we texted for about two months before meeting. We've been out 5 times and have always had a great time. The first of this month, my divorce went final and days later myself and the new woman decided to officially be a couple. 

 

I'm, typically, a very confident guy. I have a doctorate, a great job, just started building a house, have a new vehicle, and recently won an alumni award from my undergraduate institution. However, I'm still lacking confidence in the bedroom. In attempting to not be too graphic, I still perform foreplay with a great amount of confidence and I don't have any qualms with my size or ability based on previous experience with my ex-wife. However, I have been physically unable to have intercourse, even though myself and new partner want to engage in such activities. As I said previously, she is very understanding and willing to go slow. As such, I make sure to pay attention to her needs in other ways.

 

I'm having a hard time pinpointing my issue and am wondering how others have overcome this struggle. My ex had previously told me the guy she cheated with wasn't better than me as a person or sexually. I'm not sure if the affair still subconsciously affects my confidence (I used to have nightmares about it when I first found out) or if I'm just having a hard time focusing on what I'm doing and being in the moment, maybe there's performance anxiety having been with only one woman for so long and now being with someone new, or perhaps it's that I'm having a hard time envisioning myself with someone new. There isn't any part of me that wants to reconcile with my ex anymore and I count it a blessing she is gone. My focus is on having a healthy relationship with my new partner.

 

Any advice on how to overcome my obstacle would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you!

[mark clemson]

It sounds like quite possibly sex is triggering for you and you start to "bring up"/associate feelings related to the affair/Dday.

My guess is that once you feel more fully secure in the relationship, that should fade. However, that's just a guess.

Sex therapist might be a good idea if possible.

Doctor + Viagra might be something for you to consider as well if you want.

[michzz]

It is either a physical problem, hence the doctor + viagra suggestion. Or you are still grieving over your failed marriage. 

You may not really be ready for a relationship. But maybe if you removed the emotional freight of what sex means to you (marital love), you cold move past it.

Good luck.

 

Edited July 6, 2020 by michzz

[pepperbird]

Op,

  if it's a physical problem, medication may help, but I'm not getting the impression that's what's going on here. when you think about it, your body/mind are actually making a  lot of sense. They are trying to protect you and keep you from being hurt all over again.
even though you and your wife split up, you will still have to go through what every BS does-we all have to learn to trust again, whether it's our spouse or someone new. I know it may feel like you're there, but it can take a lot of time- even baby steps at first. It's sounds to me like you're in a relationship with a very understanding woman.  Explain what's going on ( you have) and give yourself permission to trust her. Start with small things and go from there. Yes, you might get hurt again, but there's every chance that you won't. In fact, you could end up being very happy. Give yourself that chance.

Edited July 11, 2020 by pepperbird

[Buffer]

Please seek out both medical intervention as well as psychological help.

Just talk things through, specially with your new GF.

One day at a time

Buffer

[merrmeade]

The urologist prescribed viagra for my husband and changed  it later to something else he injects. It works, and if one doesn't work, something else will. It's worth it. 

If it is psychological, you can also see a therapist, but it's also possible that, once you get back in the swing of things, you might not need the chemical boost.

[Fletch Lives]

They call Viagra the miracle pill for a reason - it works.

[curlygirl40]

I suspect a lot of it is in your mind and as one poster said, sex is triggering.  Do you have a problem masturbating?   I can't say for sure as I don't have this equipment, but I suspect if you don't have issues pleasuring yourself to orgasm, that it's mental and not physical.      So grateful that you have a loving partner who is patient, I think it will just take time.    Although don't be afraid to use other tools while you wait, viagra, etc.   

I dated a guy for a while who had the same issue. He actually told me that whenever he's with someone new that this happened.  Eventually he was able to get out of his own head and things were fine.    It took a couple months if I remember correctly