His female coworker

[Erica_2]

Hi,

Me and boyfriend have been together over 3 years, he’s loyal and I have no major suspicions. He has a coworker, Sara and they have always got on and that is all she seemed to be. The last few months my boyfriend got moved to a new role in which he shares with Sara. 
 

Now, Sara gets mentioned a few times a week in conversion and she has twice in a row on a Saturday text him laughing about her neighbour, or showing him a picture of something they were working on, a bird cage for her room mate and thanking him for his help with it during work hours. 
 

My boyfriend has been doing more over time, and getting into work early. He has done this before, even before working more closely with sara and says that he wants to grab the over time whilst it’s there. 
 

Last night he said Sara is in early so he’ll go in early. They always seem to be getting in early. Friday night she text him to say she was making wraps for Saturday mornings over time if he wants one making.

i asked my boyfriend if he wants Breakfast on his return and he said he might be having something in work. He didn’t tell me it was Sara’s cooking, but I seen the text flash up. 
 

She seems like a nice friend to him, but she’s coming up more in conversations and texting him more. I don’t feel that it’s my boyfriend egging her on either. She comes across as lonely, in the past she has text to wish me a happy birthday and I have even met her once and never seen her a threat to our relationship. 
 

Do you think this is a cause for concern or am I looking into this too much now that they work more closely together?

[Fox Sake]

So you say you have no suspicions but your entire post was suspicious of him and her. 
Rightfully so you don’t want to jump to any conclusions tho. 
So I’m not too sure what you’re looking for here . None of us know him and the information you gave , whilst being slightly intriguing , doesn’t point fingers at anything going on apart from the fact this woman intimidates your understanding of your relationship. 

It could just be a strong professional working relationship. If they share a roll then one will not be seen putting in %100 whilst the other rocks up late. 
 

I do see you where you’re coming from tho.   
Keep an eye on your sex life , as that will really be the only telling thing to you just now without invading his privacy or questioning him. If he seems off with you then chances are something is off. You’re not going to know anything more until you either do some digging or even better yet - communicate with him about how you’re feeling.
Communication, openness, trust and honesty are the basis for anything beautiful and lasting.  

[schlumpy]

That he talks about her is a red flag. If he quits talking about her then it's a double red flag. I usually only talked about fellow workers with my wife if something outrageous or funny happened.

I agree about the OT. You have to take advantage of it while it's there because it can dry up overnight. So that seems a legitimate excuse.

I went in early to work to avoid traffic and read the newspaper. It's not that suspicious. I didn't have breakfast waiting though.

As Fox said if your sex life drops off that can be a sign but he could always say the OT is wearing him out.

Nothing you said is actionable, so you should keep the radar up and running and watch and listen to what he does and says.

Will he let you see his phone? If he starts guarding the phone then it's "Katy, bar the door."

 

[d0nnivain]

Sara is pushing boundaries & your BF doesn't seem to care that she's blurring lines which upset you.   She may be lonely & she may not realize she's walking a fine line offering to cook for a work colleague.  

Him talking more about her would be fine as long as the context was work related.

My husband often mentions female colleagues that he's paired with.  All of my immediate colleagues are male so I mention them when I talk about work.  However, DH's colleagues never text him social stuff.  My colleagues rarely text outside of work hours.  If something social is coming up it might be mentioned as an afterthought but never the primary reason for the communication.  For example, last Thursday I was in the office last & finished a project.  I texted my partner to say it was done & ended with Enjoy the 4th.   He wrote back thanks you too & that was the end of it.   

Sara seems to be seeking friendship, validation or more.  You need to sit your BF down, own up to your jealousy (admitting that you are bothered softens the blow to him hearing it so it hopefully won't view it as you trying to control him) & tell him you would prefer that he discourage Sara's friendship by not responding when she reaches out to him about banal, non work related stuff.  See how he reacts.  If he blows a gasket, you have a problem on your hands.  If he respects your need for boundaries, be grateful.  If it's somewhere in between, suggest he invite Sara to do something with the two of you.  Then you mark your territory & kill her with kindness all the while getting her to back off.  In short befriend her -- keep your friends close but your enemies closer kind of thing.  If she really is reaching out to your BF out of sheer loneliness you fill that gap so she leaves your guy alone.  

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Yes, these things are a cause for concern. Since they work together, there doesn't seem to be much need for the texting on the weekends. Women are terrible to other women, and you can't put anything past them--especially when they know a man has a girlfriend or wife. There really isn't a way to address this without coming across and jealous and insecure. All you can do is keep your eyes and ears open, and see what happens. 

 

 

[Erica_2]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Sara is pushing boundaries & your BF doesn't seem to care that she's blurring lines which upset you.   She may be lonely & she may not realize she's walking a fine line offering to cook for a work colleague.  

Him talking more about her would be fine as long as the context was work related.

My husband often mentions female colleagues that he's paired with.  All of my immediate colleagues are male so I mention them when I talk about work.  However, DH's colleagues never text him social stuff.  My colleagues rarely text outside of work hours.  If something social is coming up it might be mentioned as an afterthought but never the primary reason for the communication.  For example, last Thursday I was in the office last & finished a project.  I texted my partner to say it was done & ended with Enjoy the 4th.   He wrote back thanks you too & that was the end of it.   

Sara seems to be seeking friendship, validation or more.  You need to sit your BF down, own up to your jealousy (admitting that you are bothered softens the blow to him hearing it so it hopefully won't view it as you trying to control him) & tell him you would prefer that he discourage Sara's friendship by not responding when she reaches out to him about banal, non work related stuff.  See how he reacts.  If he blows a gasket, you have a problem on your hands.  If he respects your need for boundaries, be grateful.  If it's somewhere in between, suggest he invite Sara to do something with the two of you.  Then you mark your territory & kill her with kindness all the while getting her to back off.  In short befriend her -- keep your friends close but your enemies closer kind of thing.  If she really is reaching out to your BF out of sheer loneliness you fill that gap so she leaves your guy alone.  

Thank you for this. I too thought her making him food was pushing boundaries. When she text him about the bird cage, it was a Saturday morning and my boyfriend looked a bit worried when he was telling me. As if he knew I wouldn’t be happy, I acted like I didn’t care so now I think he feels it’s okay to respond as I’m “okay with it”. 

[d0nnivain]

You need to tell him you're not OK with it.  

[Ruby Slippers]

There's no reason for her to be texting his personal phone ever. That's crossing a line, and he obviously knows that since he was worried about your reaction.

When I was going to the office, I had a couple of male colleagues who would drop by every day to chit chat, but we never communicated outside work hours.

This relationship is clearly going beyond professional. You should definitely speak up and draw a line.

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

There's no reason for her to be texting his personal phone ever. That's crossing a line, and he obviously knows that since he was worried about your reaction.

Never ever is probably unrealistic but context is important.  

As I indicated above my colleagues & I do not have work cell phones, only personal ones so occasionally messages are sent but they are work related.  Even went a pleasantry is tacked on it's just that an add on, not the primary reason for the communication.   Again if the message was "hey I'm already here & there's a problem" that would have been just fine.  

I agree the OP does need to speak up & nip this in the bud. 

[Erica_2]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Never ever is probably unrealistic but context is important.  

As I indicated above my colleagues & I do not have work cell phones, only personal ones so occasionally messages are sent but they are work related.  Even went a pleasantry is tacked on it's just that an add on, not the primary reason for the communication.   Again if the message was "hey I'm already here & there's a problem" that would have been just fine.  

I agree the OP does need to speak up & nip this in the bud. 

The thing is, I don’t know what to say? Deep down I know nothing is going on between them, and I don’t want to seem insecure and possessive, he is allowed friends. Yet, I feel she is attempting to cross the line.

[d0nnivain]

Then don't say anything.  Instead ask Qs: 

Why do you think Sara texts you so much about non work things?  

How do you feel when Sara texts about non work things? 

Why do you feel the need to respond to Sara when she texts when you are off work? 

If you weren't dating me, would you be into Sara?  If he says yes, follow up with knowing that how do you think it makes me feel when she texts you all the time?  

Also do what I said & befriend Sara so she knows where the lines are. 

[Roswell91]

8 minutes ago, Hannah90 said:

The thing is, I don’t know what to say? Deep down I know nothing is going on between them, and I don’t want to seem insecure and possessive, he is allowed friends. Yet, I feel she is attempting to cross the line.

Its clearly bothering you since you're on here discussing just that.

I wouldn't say anything yet. But as others have said be aware and observe.

Her texting him on the weekend and cooking for him is a bit extra in my opinion. 

 

 

[lurker74]

When you don't know what to say, start with the truth. "Joe, I have to be honest. I don't like how close you are getting with Sara. I trust you completely but that doesn't mean I can feel 100% secure with this other person who is spending even more time with you than me and sometimes makes you food. I'm not saying she's trying anything - she probably is just a freind - but I need you to re-work your boundaries because it's making me feel wrong."

And if he wants to stay close to her, he needs to bring her into your life so that you are BOTH friends with her.

[Snow_Queen]

It’s best to bring up now rather than later. You don’t want to wait until you feel resentful over this.

You can simply tell him you’ve noticed his coworker texting more often outside of work hours and it’s starting to make you uncomfortable. Then, you can ask questions as mentioned above. Make sure you speak in a calm, non-accusatory way. Use language such as “I feel this way”. If he gets defensive and makes you feel it’s all in your head, then you have a bigger issue.

[lana-banana]

It doesn't sound like there's anything happening, but you are well within your rights to be concerned. The advice above from lurker and Snow_Queen is great, and my only addition would be to have very specific requests for him rather than just expressing your discomfort. Say "hey, I don't feel very comfortable with this - I would feel better if you spent more time eating here/if I got to meet Sara/if we started doing regular date nights/if you didn't text outside of work", or something. I agree that you should reassure him that you aren't making accusations, it just makes you uncomfortable.

Relationships like these happen all the time. When you are spending all your time and energy focused on a project with one or a few other people, you build strong bonds. If your relationships at home are healthy then nothing else will happen, but if home life is bad or there are single people involved, things can get sticky. The best way to deal with the situation is to be as open as possible, and share everything with your spouse. I have coworkers that I text outside of work, as does my husband, and we show each other our phones although it's mostly to show off the dumb jokes we're making. We get together with each other and our work friends (well, we did pre-pandemic anyway). Being open about it and keeping it all above board is the way to go.

[OatsAndHall]

I agree with @d0nnivain on this one and I have firm boundaries when it comes to these situations. If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that you are uncomfortable with the situation and then ask him to put himself in your shoes. I don't imagine he'd be too thrilled if you had a male coworker texting you consistently about personal things and asking you if you wanted breakfast on a weekend.

[kendahke]

4 hours ago, Hannah90 said:

my boyfriend looked a bit worried when he was telling me. As if he knew I wouldn’t be happy, I acted like I didn’t care so now I think he feels it’s okay to respond as I’m “okay with it”. 

Best you adopt an "observe but say nothing" stance right now.  You want him to talk to you about their interaction. It's when he stops talking about her or becomes defensive when you bring her up that you have to worry.

Give it another two weeks of you observing. If he takes things further--going into the office early all the time, staying late for overtime all the time--that's when you need to speak up as to what you've been observing and how you are concerned that their relationship isn't strictly professional anymore.

[Mystery4u]

OP, you can't control what she does, all you can do is trust your boyfriend that he won't do anything wrong that will hurt you. If he wanted to cheat on you, he could easily do it with someone else not this Sara.

Either you trust your boyfriend or you don't. Without trust there is no relationship.

Edited July 7, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mark clemson]

The other side of this is that blind trust is genuinely one thing that can leads to affairs/cheating.

Sometimes you CAN control what the other person does. If they really are dead set on cheating, you can't stop them, true. But if they are in a friendship that might lead down the road to cheating (due to developing emotional involvement) you can ask them to curtail it. They might not, but they might. It might or might not prevent an affair from occurring.

Friendships can be a slippery slope. It sounds very much like this one is crossing the line into some level of intimacy (not necessary romantic intimacy).

As the partner, the boundaries in the relationship are yours to set. (That doesn't mean they will be accepted, but that's what you negotiate with your partners.) My personal take is that both partners must be allowed to have friends, including friends of the opposite sex. However, the other partner should have the "right" to ask that any specific friendship be ended or relegated to very occasional status if they feel threatened by it. After all, one can always find other friends.

The problem in your situation Hannah, is that since this is a work context, you probably won't be able to nix this in any meaningful way (assuming there is anything to nix, which is not at all clear). You can ask that he curtail his relationship to be "only professional", but it will be hard for you to know if he's really sticking to that. I don't see any easy solution to that issue.

[manfrombelow]

15 hours ago, Hannah90 said:

Hi,

Me and boyfriend have been together over 3 years, he’s loyal and I have no major suspicions. He has a coworker, Sara and they have always got on and that is all she seemed to be. The last few months my boyfriend got moved to a new role in which he shares with Sara. 
 

Now, Sara gets mentioned a few times a week in conversion and she has twice in a row on a Saturday text him laughing about her neighbour, or showing him a picture of something they were working on, a bird cage for her room mate and thanking him for his help with it during work hours. 
 

My boyfriend has been doing more over time, and getting into work early. He has done this before, even before working more closely with sara and says that he wants to grab the over time whilst it’s there. 
 

Last night he said Sara is in early so he’ll go in early. They always seem to be getting in early. Friday night she text him to say she was making wraps for Saturday mornings over time if he wants one making.

i asked my boyfriend if he wants Breakfast on his return and he said he might be having something in work. He didn’t tell me it was Sara’s cooking, but I seen the text flash up. 
 

She seems like a nice friend to him, but she’s coming up more in conversations and texting him more. I don’t feel that it’s my boyfriend egging her on either. She comes across as lonely, in the past she has text to wish me a happy birthday and I have even met her once and never seen her a threat to our relationship. 
 

Do you think this is a cause for concern or am I looking into this too much now that they work more closely together?

When there is doubt, there is NO doubt. 

 

[elaine567]

11 hours ago, mark clemson said:

The problem in your situation Hannah, is that since this is a work context, you probably won't be able to nix this in any meaningful way (assuming there is anything to nix, which is not at all clear). You can ask that he curtail his relationship to be "only professional", but it will be hard for you to know if he's really sticking to that. I don't see any easy solution to that issue.

This is the problem and why workplace affairs can proceed unimpeded until it becomes obvious there is something going on, or they get so comfortable they get caught out.
 

[OatsAndHall]

18 hours ago, mark clemson said:

As the partner, the boundaries in the relationship are yours to set. (That doesn't mean they will be accepted, but that's what you negotiate with your partners.) My personal take is that both partners must be allowed to have friends, including friends of the opposite sex. However, the other partner should have the "right" to ask that any specific friendship be ended or relegated to very occasional status if they feel threatened by it. After all, one can always find other friends.

 

 

This. Each partner has every right to establish reasonable boundaries within a relationship. I would never ask my gf to ditch her few male friends, assuming that the friendship didn't cross certain lines. There is a guy that my gf, her daughter, and son-in-law hang out with from time to time. He asked her out awhile back and she turned him down as she's not interested in him. She still has contact with the guy when she's out with her daughter and son-in-law (I join, occasionally) but she doesn't speak with him outside of that. I take no issue with this friendship, even though he has some romantic interest in her. (To be honest, I find the guy to be a boorish drunk but I keep that to myself. )

It would be different if she were having a lot of contact and hanging out with him, one-one. I wouldn't be comfortable with it and I'd tell her that. If she chose to see him, there's a good chance our relationship would end. Not because I'm jealous or controlling; I've established a reasonable boundary that I need to be comfortable in the relationship. If I'm not comfortable in a relationship, I'm not going to stay in it.

But, this is also reciprocated on my end. My gf asked me to limit contact with a female friend who she wasn't comfortable with and I did so. She has her reasons for being wary of this woman (some FB posts that I found innocent but they bothered her)  and, although I don't necessarily agree, I understand where she's coming from and I respect her boundary. The landscape of the situation is pretty plain; I choose a quality relationship with my gf over a pseudo-friendship with a woman that I'm not all that close to.

[JTSW]

On 7/6/2020 at 6:13 PM, Hannah90 said:

Deep down I know nothing is going on between them

Im of a different opinion here.

He's working overtime and going in earlier just because she is. Meeting her for breakfast on a Saturday morning.

He is displaying classic signs of unfaithfulness. 

There is definitely something going on between them. 

[smackie9]

Just tell him going out for one one breakfasts is not appropriate...that's like dating. Personal texting not pertaining to work should be out as well. If he give you gaff about it, just tell him to put himself in your shoes, and how he would feel if you were going out of your way to be with a man from work, receiving texts after hours, etc. That hopefully put some things into a new perspective for him.

But on the other side of the coin, I know what it's like to work bond. In my eyes, it's 100% platonic, I myself have never had thoughts or consideration of romantic interest. I have had a few what people call "work husbands". Over the last 30 years of my job, I have been accused of multiple affairs, even one with someone I whom have never met that worked for another branch. So that being said, it's not always what it looks like. I guess it's hard, for some to fathom, two individuals enjoying a close relationship at work that doesn't end up as an affair. 

Off point: I have a real good sense of vibes between people. I have been right each time when those who did choose to have an affair. They usually have this "Oh we're caught" look on their faces when I walk into the office. Those people were not openly having breakfast/ lunch together, etc. They pretended to be indifferent to each other...they weren't fooling me.

[Juha]

 

My question is why are you so insecure?