Shani8097 Posted July 6, 2020 Share Posted July 6, 2020 (edited) I'll call him AJ for short. AJ and I have been best best best friends for 6 years. We've spoken almost every day since. There was a 1 year period where we didn't speak due to my abusive ex boyfriend being controlling with who my friends were. But even then, I know it sounds wrong, but I'd still message AJ when I wasn't allowed to here and there to see if he's okay. After my ex and I split, AJ and I started speaking again just like normal. I then got into another relationship and made sure I'd not stop speaking to ANY of my friends again, including him. AJ then got into a relationship with a girl, I actually got along with her really well. We went to get food together once and Had a girly day out of it. Then i noticed AJ and her slowly reducing the amount they'd speak to me, I thought nothing of it at first. Then it became full days where I wouldn't hear from AJ, then weeks at a time and he just wouldnt talk or tell me things he'd usually do. I asked him jokingly why we aren't friends anymore and then he just replied with "it is what it is, I have her now" in a nutshell. So I backed off. My mental health has been a very big struggle since 2015, and AJ knows this. I sent AJ a voice message expressing how I felt replaced and just forgotten about once he got into a relationship. I had a breakdown in the voice message. He then replied and said he's just become comfortable with her and left me out of his life. I apologised and he said "okay take care". My mental health was really beginning to get bad, I had family issues going on, self esteem issues and relationship issues. He knew this. We stopped talking for a while, and in that time I broke up with my boyfriend. A day after, I messaged AJ and said I need someone to talk to so I told him what happened. I apologised for the voice message i sent him and told him i'd apologise to his girlfriend too. So I did, again when I spoke to her over the phone I broke down completely and she said "things wont be the same between you and me anymore but its okay" so I said i understand. AJ and I spoke briefly for a few weeks, and things were okay. Then, him and his girlfriend one day just stopped talking to me. His girlfriend even unfollowed me from social media. My mental health has really declined, and he knows what I was going through at the time and how worse its become. But he just left, and hasnt even asked me if I'm okay. I posted a story of myself where I look visibly thin (ive lost weight due to the depression and im 43kg 5ft6) and self harming scars were also seen. I got a few messages from people asking me if I'm okay cos I dont look well. He saw my story, but didnt say anything. I feel so abandoned with no one to talk to. My brother and sister both know I self harm but havent really taken it seriously. AJ was the one person I'd tell everything to, he was my best friend and now I have no one. Ive even lost my job due to covid-19 and have no income (so i cant afford counselling). I'm struggling so much by myself with no outlet. Was I being crazy or too much by expressing how I felt? Edited July 8, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted July 6, 2020 Share Posted July 6, 2020 ah no you were right to air what was bothering you, unfortunately Aj and the girlfriend are not very good friends or are not prepared to offer you much sympathy, no easy solution honey, you have to find the strength inside of you and decide that these people are not worth dwelling on and start seeking out new people, you can join up a few online meetup groups and so on and make new friends with people you find common ground with, things can change very quickly for the better in a few months or can take a year even, chin up and start thinking about making new friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Amanda92 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 This is his decision. Probably his girlfriend doesn't want you to contact. I'm sorry, but there is no sense to text him again or to try pay his attention. I understand that you have a bad moment in your life, but try to be strong and care about yourself. It will be easier for you to find friends when you will be well. Not too many people are that strong to support a person with mental issues. After the storm the sun will shine! Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 Your mental health is not his responsibility. For whatever reason, he has wanted out of this friendship for a while, but you keep trying to worm your way in. Some of your tactics have been manipulative. People might be quick to blame the girlfriend, but I think in this case he wants a new, sunny chapter in his life and no longer wants to be responsible for someone else's baggage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 AJ clearly is not your friend anymore. His cold responses to you and his not talking to you for periods of time are letting you know loud and clear that he's not interested in being friends anymore. You can't lean on him for support with your mental health. You are going to have to seek help for your mental health from the appropriate places. If you can't afford counseling, look into resources for free or low-cost counseling in your area. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 I'm sorry you lost your friend. I suspect the problem was that you wanted more than he was able to give. Daily contact might be fun with a shiny new friend, but long term, it's really not sustainable. And this frequency is quite inappropriate if the friendship is male/female and one or both have partners. And not just frequency...even in same sex friendships, if someone has serious mental health issues, it can become too much for just one friend to support. I hope you can find some good support for your mental health. Do you have any other friends in your life? 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shani8097 Posted July 9, 2020 Author Share Posted July 9, 2020 On 7/8/2020 at 6:57 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Your mental health is not his responsibility. For whatever reason, he has wanted out of this friendship for a while, but you keep trying to worm your way in. Some of your tactics have been manipulative. People might be quick to blame the girlfriend, but I think in this case he wants a new, sunny chapter in his life and no longer wants to be responsible for someone else's baggage. So number one, I didnt say it was his responsibility mate. Ive never pinned my mental health on anyone. In fact, ive dealt with most of my issues myself and I'm proud to have even come this far? Manipulative where? I've seen manipulation babes and I'm telling you, this is not it. Coming from someone who had a manipulative abusive ass ex boyfriend, why would I pin that on someone else? You really have no rationality here. I'm sad that my best friend is no longer around? Fair reaction to be seeking some answers yeah. Oh this also came to happen after he said he'd never want us to stop talking again or lose touch. His own words, out of the blue one day. So no, we had a solid ass friendship for 6 years. If he wanted out as you say for a while, don't you think that would have happened long before? Im not the type to hoard a person to stick around, and people know that. I'm just lost for answers just like any person would be in my position.. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted July 9, 2020 Share Posted July 9, 2020 Sounds like you care for him more than a friend. No, I don't think you have been manipulative or trying to pin your issues on him, you just wanted your best friends support. Im sorry that he has decided to abandon you. A true friend would never do that. My best friend has self harming and health issues and I would never abandon her. Please feel free to private message me if you need to talk x Link to post Share on other sites
TheEternalPessimist Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 "It is what it is, I have her now" is a terrible thing to say to someone because it's as if he is indirectly telling you that the only reason you were friends and hung out was because he was single and once he got a girlfriend he couldn't be bothered anymore to have you as a puppet or worse yet as a second option just in case. I've had that happen to me with a few girls, we were getting along great and once they got boyfriends they ghosted me completely and I barely ever hear form them again. You feel cheap and feel like asking: Well what was all that friendship for then? Makes me feel like they were keeping me in the back pocket as a potential option if ever they couldn't find someone to date. Ultimately the best advice I can give you is to surround yourself with family and good friends and to hang in there. If you are well surrounded, you can bounce off from this fairly well in a few months. Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 You keep calling him your 'best friend' but surely you always knew that is only temporary? He has a girlfriend so off course she is his best friend. Same as when you have a boyfriend, he will become your best friend. You can't expect someone of the opposite gender to be your 'best friend' only for ever, that's not how life works. We men don't need women as friends or best friends when we are in a relationship. If you want a best friend then find another woman, not a man. We will always pick a girl we love and want to spend the rest of our lives with over a girl we have no interest in being anything more than simple friends with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted July 17, 2020 Share Posted July 17, 2020 It's sad when you realize the people you thought were your friends really are not. Situations can and do make our true colors come out. I've seen marriages and friendships fall apart when one person gets cancer, when people loose jobs, when people get divorced, etc. I'd like to think I am a good person and work hard to be one - I am a loyal friend to everyone I know or try to be, but when others show themselves as otherwise it hurts. But, that's life. You have to sift out the good from the bad and, as we all learn, there are not a lot of good people out there. Link to post Share on other sites
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