How do men and women romantically bond with each other?

[SuperHeroMan]

On 10/22/2020 at 7:49 PM, basil67 said:

It doesn't matter if they don't fully understand each other's perspective.   There are things my husband and I will never understand about the other, but we just accept it.   But there are so many things we do match on, so it's fine.   We've got each other for some things and he's got his mates and I've got female friends.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean being able to supply everything to your partner.  I can't give him sport discussions and he can't talk about feelings.  That's what friends are for.

It does seem that most women are by nature more intuitive & affectionate & more affectionate than men are. It is very common for women to be very  touchy-feely with each other, while it is not for men. That shows men and women are different, and that they think differently, and that would probably make them having a strong bond with each other very difficult. 

[basil67]

With all due respect, I'm writing from the perspective of having been happily together with my partner for nearly thirty years.   Why do you dismiss my lived experience?   And the lived experience of so many others who are happy in relationships together?   If it was all going to fail, we wouldn't have couples happy in long term relationships.

 

[Woggle]

My wife and I get along almost perfectly and we are both each other's best friend. That has become even stronger in the past year so yes men and women can bond.

[sothereiwas]

46 minutes ago, basil67 said:

With all due respect, I'm writing from the perspective of having been happily together with my partner for nearly thirty years.   Why do you dismiss my lived experience?   And the lived experience of so many others who are happy in relationships together?   If it was all going to fail, we wouldn't have couples happy in long term relationships.

When dad passed away a month ago, his last words to my brothers and I were "take care of your mother". They had been married a bit over 56 years. That bond was never breaking. 

[hotpotato]

Im not sure either. It just kind of happens. I'm amazed relationships ever happen, tbh. 

[SuperHeroMan]

On 11/2/2020 at 11:09 PM, hotpotato said:

Im not sure either. It just kind of happens. I'm amazed relationships ever happen, tbh. 

There is this chemical in women’s brain that make them fall in love a lot more than men do. As I said, men and women are wired very differently from each other, and that would make it very hard for them to bond with each other.

Edited November 14, 2020 by SuperHeroMan

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I agree with fletcher. We are different but the differences are very subtle.  Men have the same feelings as women.  They just don’t show them externally and can box them or compartmentalize them better. But they still feel them or are aware of their feelings.

‘the answer is pretty simple to me.  We may be humans but we are all still animals who have instinctual drives.  What drives us to want to live? Instinct.  What drives us to mate? Instinct.

Mating = sex.  I bond with my men through sex.  There are a whole host of feelings that are tied to sexual chemistry for a female.  Men? Not sure? Not so much?

when the sex is diminished then it is psychological.  The bonding results in time spent with the person.  Your identities start to meld together.  That is why this forum is here for the broken hearted.  The loss of a relationship bond =the loss of identity.

Also opposites attract!

just my experience.

 

 

[SuperHeroMan]

37 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

I agree with fletcher. We are different but the differences are very subtle.  Men have the same feelings as women.  They just don’t show them externally and can box them or compartmentalize them better. But they still feel them or are aware of their feelings.

‘the answer is pretty simple to me.  We may be humans but we are all still animals who have instinctual drives.  What drives us to want to live? Instinct.  What drives us to mate? Instinct.

Mating = sex.  I bond with my men through sex.  There are a whole host of feelings that are tied to sexual chemistry for a female.  Men? Not sure? Not so much?

when the sex is diminished then it is psychological.  The bonding results in time spent with the person.  Your identities start to meld together.  That is why this forum is here for the broken hearted.  The loss of a relationship bond =the loss of identity.

Also opposites attract!

just my experience.

 

 

To me, no matter, I don't think men and women can truly fall in love and form a strong bond with each other due to their differences. Their brains are just wired too differently from each other for them to truly be compatible with each other. I have a question.  Do most females actually long for male companionship, and do most males actually long for female companionship?

Edited November 15, 2020 by SuperHeroMan

[SuperHeroMan]

Here's an interesting article about how women are more inclined to network with other women and maintain their longstanding friendships, while men tend to stash their friendships away like baseball cards:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/men-friendship-crisis_l_5dbc9aa7e4b0576b62a1e90f

 

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

28 minutes ago, SuperHeroMan said:

To me, no matter, I don't think men and women can truly fall in love and form a strong bond with each other due to their differences. Their brains are just wired too differently from each other for them to truly be compatible with each other. I have a question.  Do most females actually long for male companionship, and do most males actually long for female companionship?

Don’t know about most but I know I long for male companionship.  I actually only have one or two female friends. I get along with men better.

‘I think the differences are complimentary as opposed to conflicting.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, SuperHeroMan said:

To me, no matter, I don't think men and women can truly fall in love and form a strong bond with each other due to their differences. Their brains are just wired too differently from each other for them to truly be compatible with each other. I have a question.  Do most females actually long for male companionship, and do most males actually long for female companionship?

Many people have shared their love for their partners and spouses with you.  Why do you dismiss their stories?

 

[SuperHeroMan]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Many people have shared their love for their partners and spouses with you.  Why do you dismiss their stories?

 

I'm not trying to dismiss their stories. I'm just trying to figure out how men and women can have a very strong bond with each other despite being wired very different. 

Edited November 15, 2020 by SuperHeroMan

[SumGuy]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

Many people have shared their love for their partners and spouses with you.  Why do you dismiss their stories?

@basil67Or stories since the dawn of written history?

A few simple conclusions that do not necessarily follow at all from an assumed axiom, bolstered by select internet articles stretched out of context.  That is enough it seems.

 

[SumGuy]

6 hours ago, SuperHeroMan said:

I'm not trying to dismiss their stories. I'm just trying to figure out how men and women can have a very strong bond with each other despite being wired very different. 

Ever consider that those differences (even assuming they exist) help create the bond, that they are complimentary instead of in opposition?

Frankly people are wired very different one to the next, and the differences between individuals are as great as between sexes.  Not to mention the cultural norms that label certain behavior as "male" or "female" for cultural reasons and not biology.  Thinking you are male, so you may not be attune to all the cultural norms that say women are not wired for high executive function and emotional stability like men...so it is perfectly "natural" then that they be kept from certain professions and power or ultimate decision making.

[hotpotato]

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Ever consider that those differences (even assuming they exist) help create the bond, that they are complimentary instead of in opposition?

Frankly people are wired very different one to the next, and the differences between individuals are as great as between sexes.  Not to mention the cultural norms that label certain behavior as "male" or "female" for cultural reasons and not biology.  Thinking you are male, so you may not be attune to all the cultural norms that say women are not wired for high executive function and emotional stability like men...so it is perfectly "natural" then that they be kept from certain professions and power or ultimate decision making.

I know you were quoting me, but I dont find that the differences between men and women helpful in forming relationships. I dont care to date the way most men want to, that is have sex first and ask questions later. I also dont feel like trying to make a man slow down and get to know me. 

[SuperHeroMan]

6 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Ever consider that those differences (even assuming they exist) help create the bond, that they are complimentary instead of in opposition?

Frankly people are wired very different one to the next, and the differences between individuals are as great as between sexes.  Not to mention the cultural norms that label certain behavior as "male" or "female" for cultural reasons and not biology.  Thinking you are male, so you may not be attune to all the cultural norms that say women are not wired for high executive function and emotional stability like men...so it is perfectly "natural" then that they be kept from certain professions and power or ultimate decision making.

I don't know. Because of those differences, it seems that men and women can never truly have a strong bond and emotional connection with each other. When I usually see heterosexual couples or hear about someone who says they are in love with someone (of the opposite sex), I always get the idea that their love and bond and connection is fake or not near as strong as they try to make it out to seem to be. The same thing can be said about male and female relationships that are strictly platonic and are not romantic at all. 

[basil67]

19 hours ago, SuperHeroMan said:

I'm not trying to dismiss their stories. I'm just trying to figure out how men and women can have a very strong bond with each other despite being wired very different. 

You may not be trying to dismiss their stories, but you ARE dismissing them.  When you tell us that you think that couples are faking or exaggerating their love, you are dismissing their story.  When you argue with each of us who has tried to explain love, you're dismissing our stories.   This is not how a person goes about understanding the experiences of others.    What you're doing is simply coming up with stories which confirm your bias in order to repeatedly state that men and women can't connect.

 

[SuperHeroMan]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

You may not be trying to dismiss their stories, but you ARE dismissing them.  When you tell us that you think that couples are faking or exaggerating their love, you are dismissing their story.  When you argue with each of us who has tried to explain love, you're dismissing our stories.   This is not how a person goes about understanding the experiences of others.    What you're doing is simply coming up with stories which confirm your bias in order to repeatedly state that men and women can't connect.

 

Sorry, I just have a hard time believing that men and women can strongly connect with each other because of the reasons I stated. 

[basil67]

Out of curiosity, can you read faces?  Do you know that you can see love in the way one person looks at the other?  My best friend is in love with her fiancé.  I’ve never seen her in love before, but it’s clear as day when you look at her.  My daughter’s boyfriend is smitten with her - it’s written in his face too.  And I took a photo of my husband last year which people say they can see the love in that as well.  

 

 

[SumGuy]

18 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I know you were quoting me, but I dont find that the differences between men and women helpful in forming relationships. I dont care to date the way most men want to, that is have sex first and ask questions later. I also dont feel like trying to make a man slow down and get to know me. 

Think wrong thread, was quoting SuperHeroMan (it's right in the quote). 

As an aside my comment has nothing to do with men who want sex first, I agree pass on them and I do not consider such pushing for sex as something women need to accept...the very opposite.

I was responding to SuperHeroMan's observations (and broad generalizations) that men and women socialize different and thus can never truly bond.  I do not buy these generalizations by the way, hence my caveat "Ever consider that those differences (even assuming they exist)..."

Edited November 16, 2020 by SumGuy

[SumGuy]

14 hours ago, SuperHeroMan said:

I don't know. Because of those differences, it seems that men and women can never truly have a strong bond and emotional connection with each other. When I usually see heterosexual couples or hear about someone who says they are in love with someone (of the opposite sex), I always get the idea that their love and bond and connection is fake or not near as strong as they try to make it out to seem to be. The same thing can be said about male and female relationships that are strictly platonic and are not romantic at all. 

Not to be mean but  you don't known. You having an idea does not make it fact.  Unless you can read minds, you are engaging in the very definition of projection and selection bias, and as you say you don't know. 

Now I think it is perfectly fine if you wish to feel this way and live your life this way, as long as it doesn't lead you to causing anyone harm, but your feelings don't equal facts.  What more is there to say then?   You have an idea, you don't want to give credence to any evidence counter to it, or question if your evidence even supports your idea.  Better to just start off asking people to agree with you.

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

Think wrong thread, was quoting SuperHeroMan (it's right in the quote). 

As an aside my comment has nothing to do with men who want sex first, I agree pass on them and I do not consider such pushing for sex as something women need to accept...the very opposite.

I was responding to SuperHeroMan's observations (and broad generalizations) that men and women socialize different and thus can never truly bond.  I do not buy these generalizations by the way, hence my caveat "Ever consider that those differences (even assuming they exist)..."

Oops, meant to say that I know you were not quoting me. 

It's very relevant to the topic of men and women bonding and men having different styles. In my experience men just dont prioritize relationships the way women do. It almost needed to be magic for a man and woman to emotionally. The bonding stuff is not as bug a priority for men, hence why I say that have different dating styles. A man's dating style is sex first ask questions later. He may find out later he likes you, but that wasnt his priority. Men who want to have sex first, that will be most guys. In the past courtship rituals were making this. 

To answer the ops question, men and women usually dont bond romantically or even emotionally. I'm amazed that relationships happen at all, tbh.

 

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, hotpotato said:

Oops, meant to say that I know you were not quoting me. 

...

 Fair enough

Quote

It's very relevant to the topic of men and women bonding and men having different styles. In my experience men just dont prioritize relationships the way women do. It almost needed to be magic for a man and woman to emotionally. The bonding stuff is not as bug a priority for men, hence why I say that have different dating styles. A man's dating style is sex first ask questions later. He may find out later he likes you, but that wasnt his priority. Men who want to have sex first, that will be most guys. In the past courtship rituals were making this. 

Hear this a lot.  It may just be a birds of a feather thing but haven't really experienced that in my life.  Looking for just sex and see where it goes has been pretty evenly split between men and women in my experience, plenty of guys get emotionally bonded even before sex, though it's usually called clingy or needy or something even when he knows enough about her for the feelings to be based on something other than fantasy.   

Rare in my friend group over the decades was the guy who was only about sex and maybe later he finds out he likes her.  Almost always, accurate or not, he likes the girl for all sorts of reasons in addition to her being "hot," no real difference than female friends who list the traits she likes about him, and he is also "hot."   I really can't recall a time where knew someone who didn't find the other "hot" or "cute" etc. before they went out with them, even if the rest of us did not see it.     I think attraction to the person's personality and character can literally make them much more attractive, kind of like beer goggles but in a good way.

Quote

To answer the ops question, men and women usually dont bond romantically or even emotionally. I'm amazed that relationships happen at all, tbh.

Relationships have pretty much been the norm in my world, from my parents to my peers.  Not that I haven't met or been aware of the whole ONS, greek, club, PUA etc. scene, just sailed a different sea.   It's not as small a sea as those who would tell to just accept the ONS etc. one as "natural" would have you believe.   

A lasting relationship and emotional and romantic bonding doesn't mean trouble free tp me, or no disagreements; in fact being able to work through those times and stay together is a sign of a deep bond in my view.  If one expects, 24/7 love and affection with nary a moment of disagreement or hurt feelings, that is a fantasy world of the Disney variety.

Edited November 16, 2020 by SumGuy

[hotpotato]

8 hours ago, SumGuy said:

 Fair enough

Hear this a lot.  It may just be a birds of a feather thing but haven't really experienced that in my life.  Looking for just sex and see where it goes has been pretty evenly split between men and women in my experience, plenty of guys get emotionally bonded even before sex, though it's usually called clingy or needy or something even when he knows enough about her for the feelings to be based on something other than fantasy.   

Rare in my friend group over the decades was the guy who was only about sex and maybe later he finds out he likes her.  Almost always, accurate or not, he likes the girl for all sorts of reasons in addition to her being "hot," no real difference than female friends who list the traits she likes about him, and he is also "hot."   I really can't recall a time where knew someone who didn't find the other "hot" or "cute" etc. before they went out with them, even if the rest of us did not see it.     I think attraction to the person's personality and character can literally make them much more attractive, kind of like beer goggles but in a good way.

Relationships have pretty much been the norm in my world, from my parents to my peers.  Not that I haven't met or been aware of the whole ONS, greek, club, PUA etc. scene, just sailed a different sea.   It's not as small a sea as those who would tell to just accept the ONS etc. one as "natural" would have you believe.   

A lasting relationship and emotional and romantic bonding doesn't mean trouble free tp me, or no disagreements; in fact being able to work through those times and stay together is a sign of a deep bond in my view.  If one expects, 24/7 love and affection with nary a moment of disagreement or hurt feelings, that is a fantasy world of the Disney variety.

It is certainly not just birds of a feather. I've been on plenty of guys who were mostly or completely in it for the sex while I was trying to date. I'm by far not the only woman with that problem. Men are much of the time impossible to bond with. 

Theres a difference between finding someone attractive and sex being the number one priority. In fact, in this case I'd almost say it doesn't make a big difference which woman shows up. 

I'm willing to bet a lot of people you know who are married met in school, work, or some place like that. I'm other words, like magic lol. 

 

[basil67]

13 hours ago, hotpotato said:

To answer the ops question, men and women usually dont bond romantically or even emotionally. I'm amazed that relationships happen at all, tbh.

So in all of your life, you've known very few men and women who've fallen in love?   Parents....friends....grandparents....coworkers... you've seen little in the way of love?  That's so sad.