How do men and women romantically bond with each other?

[Wiseman2]

Sex is the crazy glue that bonds 2 compatible people other.

Without both, there'll be strife and frustration.

[poppyfields]

SuperHero, since admittedly you've never experienced a romantic relationship and thus never bonded with a woman, I think it's going to be very difficult, impossible really, for you to understand.  

You are attempting to find a logical, rational reason but attraction, chemistry, love, bonding, is neither logical nor rational.

Its elusive, intangible. And subjective.  Some men I've bonded with, others not. No doubt men feel the same.  Some women they have bonded with, others not.

Yes men and women are different and come to bond, love in different ways. 

For example, many women bond after sex, men do not (generally speaking, there are exceptions).  And this can cause problems. 

In my experience, it takes men longer to bond than it takes me. But I understand that, so it's not an issue.  

But many women don't understand it, so they push before a man has bonded and all that typically does is push him away.  

I think much of what you're describing is a misunderstanding between men and women, and neither having the desire or willingness to understand.

Bonding is emotional and yes men are emotional and very capable of bonding, it just takes them longer to get there, in my experience.  Some longer than others, some shorter.   

And until such time you experience that for yourself, you will never understand it.

 

 

Edited November 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Too add^^ (too late to edit), I've read in several different articles and books written by reputable psychologists and therapists that some men, perhaps even many men, need a bit of distance to fall in love and bond, while women need togetherness.

This would explain why a man can be complacent, feel sort of "meh" in a relationship but once his girlfriend begins pulling back and/or introduces some distance into the relationship, or ends the relationship, suddenly he realizes his feelings, and begins pushing forward.   Thus begins his bonding process.

I have experienced this "dance" in virtually every long term relationship I've had.  I understand it.

So, it's not that men are incapable of bonding, or that men and women cannot bond with each other, they simply come to bond in different ways and again until you experience it for yourself, highly doubtful you will ever truly understand it.

Edited November 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[hotpotato]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

So in all of your life, you've known very few men and women who've fallen in love?   Parents....friends....grandparents....coworkers... you've seen little in the way of love?  That's so sad. 

To keep it real lol no I haven't. My grandparents have a marriage of convenience and do no even live with each other. I suspect my grandma does not want to getvdivirced and liquidate her assets. My mom and dad were never married. My moms twin was never married. 

I'm self employed so I dont have coworkers. Um, I think some of the women in my dance class may have boyfriends?!?! I see on FB where a lot of people married high school or college sweethearts. 

In my dating career I've had very few men try to get even get to know me. It was mostly about the sex. The speed at which most men ask for sex makes it seem like that their priority. I totes get that people dont always feel sparks, but still it feels like the man and myself were on the same date but for different reasons. 

[SumGuy]

17 hours ago, hotpotato said:

It is certainly not just birds of a feather. I've been on plenty of guys who were mostly or completely in it for the sex while I was trying to date. I'm by far not the only woman with that problem. Men are much of the time impossible to bond with. 

Theres a difference between finding someone attractive and sex being the number one priority. In fact, in this case I'd almost say it doesn't make a big difference which woman shows up. 

I'm willing to bet a lot of people you know who are married met in school, work, or some place like that. I'm other words, like magic lol. 

 

On birds of a feather, was reference to the men I have had as friends and hang around with, as sex first, second and third has never been my thing.  Hey, love sex and more than down and up for a lot of it, and have had ONS (more her idea each time); but guess I'm picky and want to find her fun to be with (non-sexually) before sex even if it is just a ONS.  I am far from a unique man in this from my life experience.

Being 50+ everyone I know of comparable age on their first marriage did not meet through OLD because it didn't exist.   Of those on a second marriage or LTR, or in their 30s the majority met their partner through OLD.   

My parents generation the meeting always seemed to be serendipitous and magical, maybe that was how they saw things or had to tell the story, and either they went to high school together or met at some event while in the service.

The guy just interested in sex is not an OLD phenomena, most of my experience with such guys was in college (in the 80s) and a bit after, before the internet.   The internet is just designed for these types of guys, they have always been of the strategy ask every woman you meet as one is eventually going to say yes.  At a meat market bar or club in the 80s they could ask maybe a dozen or two dozen, with OLD they can spam out messages to a hundred and don't even have to dress up.

All that being said, yes there are still plenty of guys where it is all about sex, OLD is a habitat made for them and where they tend to pool.   They are the chaff, just got to winnow them out to get to the wheat before someone else does  

[SuperHeroMan]

14 hours ago, poppyfields said:

SuperHero, since admittedly you've never experienced a romantic relationship and thus never bonded with a woman, I think it's going to be very difficult, impossible really, for you to understand.  

You are attempting to find a logical, rational reason but attraction, chemistry, love, bonding, is neither logical nor rational.

Its elusive, intangible. And subjective.  Some men I've bonded with, others not. No doubt men feel the same.  Some women they have bonded with, others not.

Yes men and women are different and come to bond, love in different ways. 

For example, many women bond after sex, men do not (generally speaking, there are exceptions).  And this can cause problems. 

In my experience, it takes men longer to bond than it takes me. But I understand that, so it's not an issue.  

But many women don't understand it, so they push before a man has bonded and all that typically does is push him away.  

I think much of what you're describing is a misunderstanding between men and women, and neither having the desire or willingness to understand.

Bonding is emotional and yes men are emotional and very capable of bonding, it just takes them longer to get there, in my experience.  Some longer than others, some shorter.   

And until such time you experience that for yourself, you will never understand it.

 

 

I just feel like men and women can never truly have a strong bond and emotional connection with each other whether it's romantic or platonic. The bond and connection  between a man and woman or man and man can never be near as strong as the bond between two women is. 

[SuperHeroMan]

13 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Too add^^ (too late to edit), I've read in several different articles and books written by reputable psychologists and therapists that some men, perhaps even many men, need a bit of distance to fall in love and bond, while women need togetherness.

This would explain why a man can be complacent, feel sort of "meh" in a relationship but once his girlfriend begins pulling back and/or introduces some distance into the relationship, or ends the relationship, suddenly he realizes his feelings, and begins pushing forward.   Thus begins his bonding process.

I have experienced this "dance" in virtually every long term relationship I've had.  I understand it.

So, it's not that men are incapable of bonding, or that men and women cannot bond with each other, they simply come to bond in different ways and again until you experience it for yourself, highly doubtful you will ever truly understand it.

Doesn't matter what type of bond it is, I feel like the bond and connection (romantically or platonically) between two women will always be a lot stronger than the bond between a man and woman or a man and man is.

[SuperHeroMan]

On 11/16/2020 at 9:27 AM, hotpotato said:

Oops, meant to say that I know you were not quoting me. 

It's very relevant to the topic of men and women bonding and men having different styles. In my experience men just dont prioritize relationships the way women do. It almost needed to be magic for a man and woman to emotionally. The bonding stuff is not as bug a priority for men, hence why I say that have different dating styles. A man's dating style is sex first ask questions later. He may find out later he likes you, but that wasnt his priority. Men who want to have sex first, that will be most guys. In the past courtship rituals were making this. 

To answer the ops question, men and women usually dont bond romantically or even emotionally. I'm amazed that relationships happen at all, tbh.

 

I agree with this. 

[SumGuy]

11 hours ago, SuperHeroMan said:

I just feel like men and women can never truly have a strong bond and emotional connection with each other whether it's romantic or platonic. The bond and connection  between a man and woman or man and man can never be near as strong as the bond between two women is. 

It's not all roses or guaranteed, read "Queen Bees and Wannabes" to get a glimpse on how women can be very harsh to each other.   Glad though that all the women in your world have such strong relationships.

[hotpotato]

On 11/17/2020 at 11:04 PM, SuperHeroMan said:

I just feel like men and women can never truly have a strong bond and emotional connection with each other whether it's romantic or platonic. The bond and connection  between a man and woman or man and man can never be near as strong as the bond between two women is. 

Speaking of women, theres a stereotype that lesbian relationships move very quickly. Who do lesbians call on a second date? Uhaul! Or something like that. I could completely understand that two women would be more emotionally invested in each other and more quickly than a heterosexual couple. 

[Mysterio]

I am close with both sexes emotionally in the sense that I have deep conversations with them.  Physically I want affection from a woman.  So I will always be thinking about women in a romantic context 90 % of the time.

 

[SuperHeroMan]

Also, women are more likely to be loving or all and accept people faster than men do.

[basil67]

@SuperHeroMan Why are you so fixated on disproving the life experiences of everyone who's been in love?

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, SuperHeroMan said:

Also, women are more likely to be loving or all and accept people faster than men do.

I don't believe this to be true.  But even if it is true, it hasn't stopped men and women from falling in love since we first started falling in love.

[SuperHeroMan]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

@SuperHeroMan Why are you so fixated on disproving the life experiences of everyone who's been in love?

I just have a hard time believing it. As I said before, there is this chemical in women’s brain that make them fall in love a lot more than men do. As I said, men and women are wired very differently from each other, and that would make it very hard for them to bond with each other.

Also, as I said, it doesn't matter what type of bond it is, I feel like the bond and connection (romantically or platonically) between two women will always be a lot stronger than the bond between a man and woman or a man and man is. Women do tend to build different friendships than men do. Women are more social with other women then men are with other men or men with women.

Edited November 24, 2020 by SuperHeroMan

[SuperHeroMan]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I don't believe this to be true.  But even if it is true, it hasn't stopped men and women from falling in love since we first started falling in love.

You don't believe it to be true?

[basil67]

I don't believe it to be true.  

[SumGuy]

14 hours ago, SuperHeroMan said:

Also, women are more likely to be loving or all and accept people faster than men do.

I'm with basil67 on this.  I don't believe that to be true, or an accurate generalization. 

Heck the very phenomena of Karens and women as enforcer's of social order makes me think men are more likely to live and let live, even if they don't want to be your buddy.

[SuperHeroMan]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

I don't believe it to be true.  

How come? 

[SuperHeroMan]

On 11/14/2020 at 4:50 PM, SuperHeroMan said:

There is this chemical in women’s brain that make them fall in love a lot more than men do. As I said, men and women are wired very differently from each other, and that would make it very hard for them to bond with each other.

Also, I heard that women tend to feel the effects of oxytocin for a longer duration than men do.

Edited December 13, 2020 by SuperHeroMan

[Cookiesandough]

On 11/24/2020 at 7:30 PM, SuperHeroMan said:

How come? 

Because  experience.  I’ve met some really cold women and I’ve met some very sweet men and everything in between. And a lot of things can interfere with the bond of two women. Competitiveness is a huge one. I hate it but it does exist.