Wildflower201 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 I'm 11 weeks with my second child by MM. He previously threatened to leave if I didn't abort. He wanted to go back to how things were because he was happy and the baby would ruin that. He changed his mind and said he didn't mean it. Yesterday, he decided he is leaving me. He said the past year and a half he has only been having an affair with me because he was afraid of me. Which made no sense to me. When I asked further questions about how he said he feels, looking at places with me, promising he wasn't going anywhere, he just said he doesn't know if he meant those things or not. He has been a terrible father and a terrible person to me. I just don't understand that excuse. He is blaming the entire relationship on me, even though he initiated us being together again. I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 I read part of your past threads, why would you have another baby with a man who has been nothing but abusive and manipulative, a liar who doesn't support the child he already has with you? Hell, his family physically assaulted you as well. Just because someone's been in your life since you were a child is no reason to keep them in it forever, especially if they're poisonous and you have children to protect. If he's gone let him go and get yourselfoto the nearest lawyers to file for child support and IC to get yourself healthy enough to recognise that, although you may not realise it just now, him leaving is the best thing that could have happened to you. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 7, 2020 Share Posted July 7, 2020 7 hours ago, Wildflower201 said: He has been a terrible father and a terrible person to me. I just don't understand that excuse. He is blaming the entire relationship on me, even though he initiated us being together again. I don't get it. Respectfully, this is your answer. This man has been a terrible father and is a terrible person. Nothing this man has done or said has ever made sense, people who are well and good simply don’t behave this way. You are trying to make sense of something that is nonsensical. It is a waste of time. I would kindly suggest that rather than Wasting your time asking questions for which there are no answers, you focus on more important things - counselling to understand why you continue to let this man into your life and preparing for the birth of your child. This is a very sad update indeed. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 Why are you surprised when he's shown who he is time and again. What will you tell your children about their father as they grow older? The label of being an affair child isn't nice or fair to them, but you're the one who does this and you seen perplexed by his behaviour. A man having an extra marital affair isn't in the position to be a good dad to his affair kids... too him they are probably seen as accidents. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) On 7/7/2020 at 1:22 AM, Wildflower201 said: I'm 11 weeks with my second child by MM. He previously threatened to leave if I didn't abort. He wanted to go back to how things were because he was happy and the baby would ruin that. He changed his mind and said he didn't mean it. Yesterday, he decided he is leaving me. He said the past year and a half he has only been having an affair with me because he was afraid of me. Which made no sense to me. When I asked further questions about how he said he feels, looking at places with me, promising he wasn't going anywhere, he just said he doesn't know if he meant those things or not. He has been a terrible father and a terrible person to me. I just don't understand that excuse. He is blaming the entire relationship on me, even though he initiated us being together again. I don't get it. ugh ... op, please, get away from this guy. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. Your kids need you to be in top mental and emotional form, not pining after some jackass who is already married and could well be sleeping around with whomever else will have him. He's no prize and certainly not worth the heartache he's caused you. Don't you deserve better? Is bring with him worth all the crap he dishes out? Instead of feeling bad, get some steel in your spine. March your behind down to a lawyer's office ( or make an online appointment) and discuss your situation. Find out what your rights and responsibilities are here. Again, if you feel you can't do this for yourself, do it for your kids. Ask yourself what sort of life you want them to have, and how you ( because you can't trust him) will make sure they get it. When you feel ready, take him to court for child support- not for you, but for your kids. They are entitled to be financially supported by him. If his wife finds out, so be it- it might even do her a favour. Maybe she'll kick his rear out so he can wallow in self pity somewhere else- so long as he stays away from you, it's all good. Edited July 11, 2020 by pepperbird Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted July 16, 2020 Author Share Posted July 16, 2020 He had been...doing things that made me feel and made it appear as though he finally began to see me. As though he understood the pain he had caused me and he wanted my life to be easier. We were in the midst of that when I found out that I was pregnant. I was afraid to tell him because I knew it wouldn't go well. I know it is sad to be in this position again. He completely turned on me once he knew. He said that he was only having a relationship with me because he was afraid of me....that everything he had done was for that reason. All the things that he said he felt before, I asked if he lied about all of it and he said he didn't know. He wasn't willing to make arrangements to see our son, and now we aren't speaking at all. I thought that the time away from me and our child had changed him some, but no....or me being pregnant made him change back. It's hard for me to accept him blaming everything on me. After how difficult this go around had been, even with the changes he had made. I had to push him to do small things for our child, but in the end he said he was only in the relationship with me to see our son. It just makes no sense. I always had to pressure him to be a father. Even when I said, okay let's arrange for you to see him, he said no. It's hard to wrap my mind around the level of pretending he has done long term, and that it all means nothing so quickly. I actually believed him. My mind is twisted with the way he put everhthing on me in the end. I get that it's likely that he is sick, but I've got to be sick for believing anything he says, right....for thinking he loved me? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 16, 2020 Share Posted July 16, 2020 Wildflower, I remember your earlier posts. I’m hard pressed to think of another MM who has been as cruel to his OW and his own child. There is nothing about this situation that is healthy for you or your children. I hope you are getting some counselling, because you really do need to discover why you chose this man for yourself and your children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted July 16, 2020 Author Share Posted July 16, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, BaileyB said: Wildflower, I remember your earlier posts. I’m hard pressed to think of another MM who has been as cruel to his OW and his own child. There is nothing about this situation that is healthy for you or your children. I hope you are getting some counselling, because you really do need to discover why you chose this man for yourself and your children. This is going to sound stupid, but with time, I...forget. I forget what he has done and how it hurt, and I'm removed from those feelings. I've experienced cruelty and abuse from men for most of my life. On some level, I am used to it. This doesn't mean I want it or think it's okay. I wanted him to do better. Now, my feelings are all over the place. Happy to be free some days, sad others, angry, confused. I want better for us, I just wish my feelings were more stable. I got a recommendation for a counselor, but I haven't gone yet. Cost is an issue. Edited July 16, 2020 by Wildflower201 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted July 16, 2020 Share Posted July 16, 2020 Cost is an issue? Cost??? If cost is an issue wrt counseling, how are you going to raise a 2nd child as a single parent? A child with the same douche who’s let you and your son down so many times? Sometimes I really don’t understand humankind..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted July 16, 2020 Author Share Posted July 16, 2020 Because I'm preparing for my baby, I'm not spending money on anything unrelated to that purpose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 16, 2020 Share Posted July 16, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Wildflower201 said: I've experienced cruelty and abuse from men for most of my life. On some level, I am used to it. This doesn't mean I want it or think it's okay. I wanted him to do better. Well, I would like some politicians to understand that the coronavirus is a serious threat to public health and provide better leadership - It hasn’t happened yet and it doesn’t seem that it’s going to happen anytime soon... Respectfully, you are soon going to be the mother of two children, born to an abusive married man - your children deserve more than this. It’s time to get yourself together. Find some free counselling, or go to a women’s shelter or clinic, or ask this man to provide child support for his children... There must be services available to you, but you have to want to address some of these issues. And, I don’t know that you are yet... you are still way too focused on this MM. Wildflower, I could go back and share some of the truly awful things he has said to you and done... It’s not even a difficult question - this is a horrible man. Your anguish comes through so clearly in your posting - I wish that I could just bring you and your children home with me to get away from this man. But, as much as I would like to help you... You have to be the one to make the decision. You have to keep your children and their mother safe, and to do that you have to stay away from this man. Please, I beg of you, get help for yourself. Edited July 16, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 17, 2020 Share Posted July 17, 2020 18 hours ago, Wildflower201 said: This is going to sound stupid, but with time, I...forget. I forget what he has done and how it hurt, and I'm removed from those feelings. I've experienced cruelty and abuse from men for most of my life. On some level, I am used to it. This doesn't mean I want it or think it's okay. I wanted him to do better. Now, my feelings are all over the place. Happy to be free some days, sad others, angry, confused. I want better for us, I just wish my feelings were more stable. I got a recommendation for a counselor, but I haven't gone yet. Cost is an issue. ma'am, you're an abused person. Please, before you try and navigate a relationship, you have to fix "you" first. Get yourself to a place in your heart and mind where you know you deserve better. There's single men out there who would give their eye teeth to be with someone as loyal and loving as you. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 17, 2020 Share Posted July 17, 2020 17 hours ago, Wildflower201 said: Because I'm preparing for my baby, I'm not spending money on anything unrelated to that purpose. getting your mind and heart sorted IS related to that purpose. Your kids need to to be fully there for them, and that will only happen when you believe you are worth spending time on. I understand it might feel like you're walking a tightrope right now, but wouldn't it be nice to have both feet firmly on the ground? Wouldn't it be great to not have to keep wasting any of your mental/emotional energy on this guy? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 17, 2020 Share Posted July 17, 2020 On 7/15/2020 at 11:04 PM, Wildflower201 said: I know it is sad to be in this position again. He completely turned on me once he knew. He said that he was only having a relationship with me because he was afraid of me....that everything he had done was for that reason. All the things that he said he felt before, I asked if he lied about all of it and he said he didn't know. Hmm. Sounds to me like this particular MM just says what he thinks will get him what he wants. If he wants you around it's nicey-nicey, then if there's an issue he turns on you. Whatever's convenient at the time. So if he's not sure what he wants or how he wants things to go, he's suddenly not sure what he really meant. Very manipulative IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted July 25, 2020 Author Share Posted July 25, 2020 On 7/16/2020 at 4:34 PM, BaileyB said: Well, I would like some politicians to understand that the coronavirus is a serious threat to public health and provide better leadership - It hasn’t happened yet and it doesn’t seem that it’s going to happen anytime soon... Respectfully, you are soon going to be the mother of two children, born to an abusive married man - your children deserve more than this. It’s time to get yourself together. Find some free counselling, or go to a women’s shelter or clinic, or ask this man to provide child support for his children... There must be services available to you, but you have to want to address some of these issues. And, I don’t know that you are yet... you are still way too focused on this MM. Wildflower, I could go back and share some of the truly awful things he has said to you and done... It’s not even a difficult question - this is a horrible man. Your anguish comes through so clearly in your posting - I wish that I could just bring you and your children home with me to get away from this man. But, as much as I would like to help you... You have to be the one to make the decision. You have to keep your children and their mother safe, and to do that you have to stay away from this man. Please, I beg of you, get help for yourself. I really do appreciate your advice. I finally worked up the nerve to mention child support. It probably won't go well, but I have to try. My children deserve better. I just have a question. If its sensible for his wife to forgive him and stay, why is it not sensible for me to stay and believe he can do better? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted July 25, 2020 Author Share Posted July 25, 2020 On 7/17/2020 at 10:07 AM, pepperbird said: ma'am, you're an abused person. Please, before you try and navigate a relationship, you have to fix "you" first. Get yourself to a place in your heart and mind where you know you deserve better. There's single men out there who would give their eye teeth to be with someone as loyal and loving as you. Thank you, for saying that. I am afraid to try to be with anyone. I...don't see myself developing any self worth with two babies by a man that abandoned me. No one wants that. On 7/17/2020 at 10:10 AM, pepperbird said: getting your mind and heart sorted IS related to that purpose. Your kids need to to be fully there for them, and that will only happen when you believe you are worth spending time on. I understand it might feel like you're walking a tightrope right now, but wouldn't it be nice to have both feet firmly on the ground? Wouldn't it be great to not have to keep wasting any of your mental/emotional energy on this guy? I have been giving everything I have to them. It has been nice. Tiring, but good. It feels right focusing on them and not him all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wildflower201 Posted July 25, 2020 Author Share Posted July 25, 2020 On 7/17/2020 at 12:41 PM, mark clemson said: Hmm. Sounds to me like this particular MM just says what he thinks will get him what he wants. If he wants you around it's nicey-nicey, then if there's an issue he turns on you. Whatever's convenient at the time. So if he's not sure what he wants or how he wants things to go, he's suddenly not sure what he really meant. Very manipulative IMO. I'm thinking that is what's happening. He will literally say anything to have what he wants in the moment or short term, knowing if it no longer fits his agenda, he can just fake confusion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 25, 2020 Share Posted July 25, 2020 6 hours ago, Wildflower201 said: I just have a question. If its sensible for his wife to forgive him and stay, why is it not sensible for me to stay and believe he can do better? Because people don’t change their character. And, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He’s been jerking you around on a string for years, while you have been waiting and hoping that he would wise up and change. Where has that got you? I would argue that it’s not sensible for his wife to forgive him and stay... This guy, I would be chasing him down the street with a baseball bat. I have no tolerance for a cruel, lying, cheat of a man who fathered two children and refuses to support them. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted July 25, 2020 Share Posted July 25, 2020 14 hours ago, Wildflower201 said: Thank you, for saying that. I am afraid to try to be with anyone. I...don't see myself developing any self worth with two babies by a man that abandoned me. No one wants that. I have been giving everything I have to them. It has been nice. Tiring, but good. It feels right focusing on them and not him all the time. Hey, come on now. I don't even know you and I can see your worth. If that man walked out, it's his loss. You sound so down on yourself. Why? You don't have to share, but what are some of the awesome things about you? What makes you special? What do you love to do more than anything else? What are your hopes/dreams? don't let him take all that away. you're still in there. you matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 On 7/7/2020 at 5:22 AM, Wildflower201 said: I'm 11 weeks with my second child by MM Then I’m guessing that by now the window to have an abortion has passed. 😢 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 On 7/7/2020 at 12:22 AM, Wildflower201 said: I'm 11 weeks with my second child by MM. If you decide to have a second child from him, he still won't leave his wife but he will have to pay more child support 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 On 7/25/2020 at 2:54 AM, Wildflower201 said: I'm thinking that is what's happening. He will literally say anything to have what he wants in the moment or short term, knowing if it no longer fits his agenda, he can just fake confusion. You're right. He does this because he knows you will put up with it. Why do you continue to put up with this? You need to start asking yourself the questions that keep you involved with him. He is telling you the truth when he says he was only still in the affair because he's afraid of you. He knows you have the power to ruin his life. Child support and losing his wife. He isn't the first MM who has tried to keep the OW "sweet" to protect himself. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 (edited) On 7/25/2020 at 2:48 AM, Wildflower201 said: I really do appreciate your advice. I finally worked up the nerve to mention child support. It probably won't go well, but I have to try. My children deserve better. It isn't about what will go well with him. Child support are the rights of your 2 children. You have to put them before the MM. You don't ask him for child support, you go down and file for child support yourself and let the chips fall where they may. It is your job to do what is best for your children and it doesn't look like he's going to be around to help. Edited July 26, 2020 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 12 minutes ago, stillafool said: It isn't about what will go well with him. Child support are the rights of your 2 children. You have to put them before the MM. You don't ask him for child support, you go down and file for child support yourself and let the chips fall where they may. She has previously stated that she is afraid of MM. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 16 minutes ago, stillafool said: He does this because he knows you will put up with it. Why do you continue to put up with this? This is the big question. She had previously distanced herself from this man. Why did she go back and why did she get pregnant again? I know you have a lot of history with this man. I expect you to say that you hoped he had changed... That’s the cycle of abuse, but it a really poor excuse to go back to an emotionally abusive married man. You are now going to have two children to protect, and the best way to do that is to take care of their mother. PLEASE seek out counselling for yourself. Go to a women’s clinic, or a shelter for women who have experienced abuse, there must be some services that are free. Your children are depending on you to protect them, especially because the threat is their father. You can do this, but you need to get right with yourself. You need to find some support, and you need to find your strength. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts