Is my boyfriend (28) in the closet or am I (27) overreacting?

[Lookingblonde27]

I’m looking for advice and support. My situation is tough and I want outside advice.

I 27f and my boyfriend (28) have been together for almost 9 years – I’m low libido (on the pill) and he was high libido (not anymore). He is a heavy chronic user of weed/drinks every weekend and has shown signs of depression the whole relationship.

We were both open about our sexual pasts, and it never bothered me that he told me that he had experimented once or twice with a guy. He said he had sex with 1 but I didn’t feel right and after it was done, he sent they guy home and never spoke to him again.

He has had previous girlfriends prior to me and said he has always had crushes on girls and not guys (because I asked him).

When we were on vacation at 21 he randomly told me wasn’t sure of his sexuality, I didn’t think much of it because we were having a lot of sex, and being so young I brushed it off.

Fast forward 7 years later I’m noticing things in the bedroom aren’t working. Here and there before he would get whiskey dick and thought nothing of it, but now it’s more times than not. He either gets half hard or hard and it goes away. It makes things awkward because I don’t know what is wrong, and he gets frustrated, saying that he doesn’t understand why it doesn’t work.

I’ll also mention that we have and were pretty kinky in years 1-6 doing kink stuff, of course being together so long our frequency has declined and I’ve tried everything to spice things up. I bought toys, lingerie and tried to seduce him but he barely gets in the mood anymore, he used to love going down on me and barely ever does now.

Back in March I was stuck at home because of COVID and started worrying about all this and questioning if he may be bi or gay (if he was bi then things would be fine, I would accept that). So I worked up the courage to talk to him about the frequency and how was used to be in bed and how I missed it and said we should both try more. He was very defensive, closed off body language and said “sometimes it doesn’t feel right”. I thought that was an unusual response… I flat out asked him – do you want to be with me? Are you attracted to me? Do you want to make things work? He said yes.

Fast forward to now, things have improved with frequency and I’d say it is 2x a week now. He still had issues staying hard but I could always get him to finish with a little effort of my part.

I have subtly made conversations around sexuality to see if he would possibly come out to me, I asked him 2 weeks ago about his experimenting etc. He looked into my eyes and said he loved women, tried that but didn’t feel right and he is definitely straight (he didn’t seem to be lying).

Last night he wanted to do it (hes like put it in my face tonight) so I thought maybe I’d put on some porn to get us both in the mood, now we don’t normally watch it together but a figured he watches it without me so why not? Well he got super pissed off and said “I don’t want to, I don’t see the point”. I was shocked and asked him why but he repeated the same thing again so I left it…. Later that night we ended up having sex..in the dark before bed which was okay.

Aside from the ED issues and sex frequency (which is about once a week). I am very happy with him, we went on a trip last year and was talking about proposing. He always talks about our future,  and told me recently he wanted kids together one day (we both weren’t sure). We hug and kiss and cuddle often, so I do feel the affection in that way. 

Am I overreacting?

What should I do? It feels like I’ve done the best I can on my end with it.

Does it sound like he is not wanting to come out to me?

Any advice would be much appreciated. 

[snowboy91]

2 minutes ago, Lookingblonde27 said:

 

I 27f and my boyfriend (28) have been together for almost 9 years – I’m low libido (on the pill) and he was high libido (not anymore). He is a heavy chronic user of weed/drinks every weekend and has shown signs of depression the whole relationship.

(bit in bold) - There's your problem. Depression is widely known to kill someone's sex drive - as someone struggling with severe depression during the Covid situation I can relate. Long term alcohol and weed use also are known to diminish sex drive and reduce performance. Although...

Quote

Aside from the ED issues and sex frequency (which is about once a week). ...

Once a week is considered about average for a long term relationship (I'm envious!). I think your libido is a bit higher than you suggest in the first quote above.

I think you're basing your concern about his sexuality on some experimentation from when he was younger - I'd sit on the side of believing him about his experience. Most of the performance issues you describe can pretty much be fully explained by the depression and alcohol/weed use, and not homosexuality. So at "worst" (not that I like using that term since there's nothing bad about homosexuality) he's bisexual or bicurious, so certainly not unattracted to women.

I feel that he needs to focus on dealing with his mental health, since think the drug and alcohol use is something he's doing to mask the underlying mental health issues, but that's an uneducated guess.

[ShyViolet]

Why do you assume that his low libido and erectile dysfunction must mean that he's gay or bi?  I don't see the logic in that.  Erectile dysfunction and low libido can definitely be caused by excessive drinking, pot smoking, depression, and being in a long-term relationship where the spark has gone.  

[Lookingblonde27]

Because when I talked to him he said “sometimes it doesn’t feel right” how else am I supposed to take the response? It’s a weird thing to say...

[Lookingblonde27]

22 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

(bit in bold) - There's your problem. Depression is widely known to kill someone's sex drive - as someone struggling with severe depression during the Covid situation I can relate. Long term alcohol and weed use also are known to diminish sex drive and reduce performance. Although...

Once a week is considered about average for a long term relationship (I'm envious!). I think your libido is a bit higher than you suggest in the first quote above.

I think you're basing your concern about his sexuality on some experimentation from when he was younger - I'd sit on the side of believing him about his experience. Most of the performance issues you describe can pretty much be fully explained by the depression and alcohol/weed use, and not homosexuality. So at "worst" (not that I like using that term since there's nothing bad about homosexuality) he's bisexual or bicurious, so certainly not unattracted to women.

I feel that he needs to focus on dealing with his mental health, since think the drug and alcohol use is something he's doing to mask the underlying mental health issues, but that's an uneducated guess.

Thanks so much your for perspective. I am just so lost on what could be causing our issues.. specifically him not being able to stay hard for me anymore. 
 

I don’t know what more I can do on my end to help our sex life... maybe I need to accept it for how it is. But we used to do so much kink stuff and he never seems to want to. It sucks 

[poppyfields]

Question:  If he had not told you about his previous sexual experiences with men, would you be feeling this way now?  About his ED and lack of frequency?  

You said his past sexual experiences with men didn't bother you, but is that really true?  

I sense deep down they do bother you and is actually the real issue here, and the reason for your doubts about his sexuality now, given his ED and decline of frequency.

I've has boyfriends experience ED at times and I never suspected they were gay.

However, if any of them admitted to having sex with men, even just once or twice, I might.

I'd talk to him, like really talk to him, without accusation, but rather simply a desire to understand. 

He might get defensive and even angry, so be prepared for that.  He may be very conflicted and confused himself right now.

 

Edited July 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[regine_phalange]

18 hours ago, Lookingblonde27 said:

Because when I talked to him he said “sometimes it doesn’t feel right” how else am I supposed to take the response? It’s a weird thing to say...

Yeah, it is weird. Can you bring it up and ask him what he meant? I feel like it's more of a self esteem thing than sexual orientation. He didn't get pissed off with the sexuality chat. But it's interesting how he got pissed off with the erotic film, do you think he may be secretly watching it too much, like secretly being addicted to it? 

[Pumaza]

Stop gay talk man at everything they do that you dont like. Him not able to have sex can be because of many reasons that are not even sex related or gay.

Stress,depression, not inlove no more, not attracted to you no more, worried about something, weight gain,weight loss, inlove with someone else , and so on.

So its rude assume and say he gay or may be.

Have a open convo with him and dont close your eyes for the reality.Im sure if you look you will see the reality of your relationship. Instead of the romantic idea you hope to see.And sex is not the biggest part of a relationship. Are the other stuff going well?

 

 

[kamani]

Honey, I am so sorry that I am going to oppose many of the posters above and I am really worried about you.

I am married to a gay/bi man. Unlike you I was lied into the marriage, was physically cheated on with by men. I didn't have the slightest clue till I made him confess after 8 years of marriage. He didn't get 'emotional' with men and only ' loved me' as he said.

There are red flags all over you post which I experienced, ED, decreasing sex, being not able to finish, getting defensive and not wanting to discuss, not going down on you and the list goes on. I am asking other posters why would a 'straight man' want to have sex with a man and 'think there's something wrong with his sexuality'? Sure straight men likes to experiment at very young age but at 21 this boyfriend told OP that he is not sure about his sexuality... OP he is either in denial or he is already having sex with men behind your back.

'Had sex with a man once' may be trickling the truth to make it less hard for you. Watch for his computer history (by pressing Ctrl+H) and find if he has watched gay porn. If you find any there's your answer. Look for any other additional mobile phones he has hidden. Try another open conversation with him and tell him you would accept the truth. You are very young and I don't think once a week sex could be enough at that age for you.

It seems two of you got together extremely young at 17 and none of you had time to experience love or sex, or relationships. So he is not sure. Let us know how it goes.. all the best.

[Wiseman2]

 The best thing you could do for yourself is get to a doctor for a complete evaluation of your health, moods and most of all STD testing. Male on male sex (don't bother trying to label it) could still be going on and put you at risk. He may also be having sex with women.

Your unhappiness may be due to being with someone who abuses substances and is sexually confused.

[JRabbit]

I'm in a bit different opinion, I had the same issue with an ex bf, and it turned out that yes, he was in fact struggling with his sexuality and that he was in fact into men.  We were still sleeping together just not as much as would have liked....and over time it dwindled more and more.  If questioned about it he would get insanely defensive and gaslight accusing me of being obsessed with sex only.  He was super homophobic too, so he really struggled with coming out.  I'm glad he is now able to express himself. I hope you arent in the same position.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 7/7/2020 at 8:14 PM, Lookingblonde27 said:

 

We were both open about our sexual pasts, and it never bothered me that he told me that he had experimented once or twice with a guy. He said he had sex with 1 but I didn’t feel right and after it was done, he sent they guy home and never spoke to him again.

He has had previous girlfriends prior to me and said he has always had crushes on girls and not guys (because I asked him).

When we were on vacation at 21 he randomly told me wasn’t sure of his sexuality, I didn’t think much of it because we were having a lot of sex, and being so young I brushed it off.

 

The giveaway on this guy is that heterosexual men cringe  at the mere idea of sex with another man.

 

The performance issues in the bedroom are more likely tied to substance abuse than they are to his preference for men, but they cloud the issue for anyone trying to learn from the details.

 

I wish we could secretly know this guy's early history with regard to abuses he may have suffered, as they would give a clearer picture, and one not clouded by substance abuse today.

 

 

[basil67]

On 7/8/2020 at 1:14 PM, Lookingblonde27 said:

Last night he wanted to do it (hes like put it in my face tonight) so I thought maybe I’d put on some porn to get us both in the mood, now we don’t normally watch it together but a figured he watches it without me so why not? Well he got super pissed off and said “I don’t want to, I don’t see the point”. I was shocked and asked him why but he repeated the same thing again so I left it…. Later that night we ended up having sex..in the dark before bed which was okay.

On top of the substance abuse and mental health issues, here's another clue:  He watches porn.  Presumably straight porn.  Therefore, he does like women and does have a libido.

Outside of sex, what's your relationship like?     Also, asking a person if they are still attracted to you is a sure fire way to get a fake answer because they don't want to hurt you by saying that they aren't attracted.  It's better to approach from a more neutral angle about how he feels about the relationship.  

 

Edited August 6, 2020 by basil67