Ifinallyseethetruth Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 We are turning 40 soon. Been married for 13 years and just started our 14th year. It has been hell for each of those 14 years. I am american and he is indian. I uprooted my life and moved overseas. He started cheating on me within the first year of marriage, some girl he had dated asked him to lunch. I caught his emails. Then we moved from Singapore to London. London was a disaster. We were there and bought a small home. Cheating escalated to talking on the phone, him coming home late, and then he asked me to spend time with my folks while he rented out our house! I came back and strangers had used all of my stuff. What an a**h***! Shortly after, I left and had to live with my parents back in the USA. I got an MBA and worked in banking. We were just physically separated but I wasn't ready to let go. I always thought separation and divorce were taboo. During this time he had numerous affairs because the girls would write to me saying that they had dated him slept with him etc. I know this story sounds horrible but my mind could just not process what an a**h*** he is. Part of me does want to keep him around because during this covid time how the hell am I supposed to get a job and leave to support myself? I moved back with him 3 years ago since he got a good job in an oil and gas company here in saudi arabia. But after moving back and giving him a chance AGAIN, I found a girl calling him. Then multiple phones being used. He is also extremely secretive about his phone. He is extremely financially controlling and gives me a set amount of money each month for food. He also has police convictions for yelling at stranger girls in public back in London (i wasn't there). He has anger management problems and yells every single day at the top of his lungs. Neighbors always complain. I am stuck and lonely. I want to leave now but we have a small dog who is 2.5 years old and couldn't bear to leave him right now (pets cannot fly) plus it will cost 30000 saudi riyals (10k usd) to ship him from saudi back to the usa. I hate this guy!!!!!! I feel like he wasted my life. I think he is the devil. He told me that he was Christian when we got married but he isn't. He is an astrology fanatic. I feel betrayed and lied to. He puts on his good boy face with his work colleagues and buddies but is a complete nightmare. PLEASE HELP, TELL ME HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION! I promise I will do it. I am turning 40 next year and I do not want him in my life anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 (edited) Sorry to be blunt, the guy is a serial cheat. You have known that from the first year of your marriage. If you are sitting here 14 years later, it’s because you continued to take the man back, despite all evidence that it was a poor decision. Please don’t stay in an unhealthy marriage with an unfaithful husband because of a dog. I mean, I have a dog that I love more than anything but you can’t really be staying in an unhealthy situation because of a dog. Do you have a friend who can take the dog for you? There has to be a better solution than staying in an unhealthy marriage because of a dog. You left him once right? What did you do at the time to make the split? You can do this, you have done it before. You are an American citizen. You have an MBA and you have worked in banking - which means you have options. It’s time to start working on a resume and decide where you want to live. If you don’t have children, you should be able to move back to the US and find yourself a job. Those are logistics, easily worked out compared to the mental shift you have to make. Have you ever had any counselling, because that would be a wise decision considering that you have chosen an unhealthy relationship for yourself for the past 14 years. There is a lot you will need to learn and you will need the support. For me, it begins with a simple decision - to chose yourself over this man. Your own mental health and well-being is worth so much more than any man, or any relationship. Once you understand and accept that, your path will be clear. You will not accept anything less for yourself, you will never accept this kind of behavior from a man again. Good luck to you. Edited July 8, 2020 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ifinallyseethetruth Posted July 8, 2020 Author Share Posted July 8, 2020 33 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Sorry to be blunt, the guy is a serial cheat. You have known that from the first year of your marriage. If you are sitting here 14 years later, it’s because you continued to take the man back, despite all evidence that it was a poor decision. Please don’t stay in an unhealthy marriage with an unfaithful husband because of a dog. I mean, I have a dog that I love more than anything but you can’t really be staying in an unhealthy situation because of a dog. Do you have a friend who can take the dog for you? There has to be a better solution than staying in an unhealthy marriage because of a dog. You left him once right? What did you do at the time to make the split? You can do this, you have done it before. You are an American citizen. You have an MBA and you have worked in banking - which means you have options. It’s time to start working on a resume and decide where you want to live. If you don’t have children, you should be able to move back to the US and find yourself a job. Those are logistics, easily worked out compared to the mental shift you have to make. Have you ever had any counselling, because that would be a wise decision considering that you have chosen an unhealthy relationship for yourself for the past 14 years. There is a lot you will need to learn and you will need the support. For me, it begins with a simple decision - to chose yourself over this man. Your own mental health and well-being is worth so much more than any man, or any relationship. Once you understand and accept that, your path will be clear. You will not accept anything less for yourself, you will never accept this kind of behavior from a man again. Good luck to you. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 It sounds like perhaps you married a narcissist or someone high on the sociopathy spectrum? Since you intend to divorce, I would try to divorce him somewhere else than S.A. as I suspect the laws there will heavily favor men. I'm not sure how to solve the money problem, but perhaps you can think of a way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ifinallyseethetruth Posted July 8, 2020 Author Share Posted July 8, 2020 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: It sounds like perhaps you married a narcissist or someone high on the sociopathy spectrum? Since you intend to divorce, I would try to divorce him somewhere else than S.A. as I suspect the laws there will heavily favor men. I'm not sure how to solve the money problem, but perhaps you can think of a way. Yes, and the weird part is that after catching him he does not feel bad in any way or any remorse. He does not seem to know that he betrayed me and feels delusional at best. I agree the hard part is the money problem. You see when I left the first time I did get a job in banking and did an MBA, but it wasn't paying enough to support myself. So I ended up having to move back with him. He does have a lot of health problems and is not aging well. I am hoping that maybe he will kick the bucket! Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 When I was considering divorce from an abusive husband when I was almost 40, one of my dear friends said to me 'How do you want to live your next 40?' and it really sunk in. You have a long life to live, get out and re-start your life. I'm really sorry about the dog but what are your options? You come up with the money, you stay because of the dog or you leave the dog behind. It might seem impossible but honestly, you need out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 It does get better when you decide to cut loose what’s dragging you down! move to the us and get a job. Work hard and support yourself. File for D to see if you can get any support money out of him. either way - get rid of that awful baggage! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 Watch YouTube videos on narcissism to help you plan your exit! (Possibly also sociopathic/psychopathic too!) Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 On 7/8/2020 at 6:15 PM, Ifinallyseethetruth said: . He does have a lot of health problems and is not aging well. I am hoping that maybe he will kick the bucket! This no doubt is the anger and frustration speaking, but this is definitely not a very healthy outlook on life, OP. You need to organise yourself asap. Can you find a job where you are temporarily (at an international school or US Embassy, perhaps) to get some money together? Is there a way for you to borrow the money (huge sum, I know) from family or a bank back home to fly the dog over, that you can repay once you find a job in the USA? Brainstorm your options, look at what you can do realistically and do it. You owe him no loyalty, and you deserve to get your life back. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 You say your husband isn't Christian, does he have a recognised religion? If he is Muslim, for instance, you must know that getting a divorce will be almost impossible if he doesn't agree and you don't have another male family member to present/represent your case in court. The good news is with recent changes in Saudi's law you can now drive on your own and travel without a man so you can leave for home and start divorce proceedings there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ifinallyseethetruth Posted July 12, 2020 Author Share Posted July 12, 2020 On 7/10/2020 at 11:13 AM, Amethyst68 said: You say your husband isn't Christian, does he have a recognised religion? If he is Muslim, for instance, you must know that getting a divorce will be almost impossible if he doesn't agree and you don't have another male family member to present/represent your case in court. The good news is with recent changes in Saudi's law you can now drive on your own and travel without a man so you can leave for home and start divorce proceedings there. No, we are both expats. I cannot divorce overseas. We married in a state in the US that requires me to live there first for a few months before I can file for divorce. Thank you everyone for the support. I am trying to look for work here and save some money. I just don't and cannot move back home again. Really, I am too old now. It is embarassing. I will just deal with it until money is saved and there is enough to go. I stayed for too long but I never wanted tporegret throwing in the towel too early. At least I gave it my best and don't have to look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 13, 2020 Share Posted July 13, 2020 So what's stopping you from separating and leaving your husband in Saudi? You can work in the US for the necessary time period to earn some and divorce your husband. Unless your husband also wants a divorce of course. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 You know he's not going to change by now, right? Are you really fed up? Is this dog worth the rest of your life? You need to get away now. You're still young, but you're right about the almost-40 factor. It will get harder for you to start over. You have a right to happiness, and you are worth the effort. but you will have to dedicate yourself to making a plan that is smart and air-tight. I'm sorry there are so many laws and customs against you there. You will have to, first, gather information for some time, and then carefully make your plan. Be thorough and think of every possible way you could be blocked, so you can prevent it. You can find a way. Become determined and don't think about anything else. Eliminate everything distracting from your sole purpose of getting away. Be cold and purposeful in everything you do and don't waste time on emotion. I don't know much specific to help you, but many a revelation starts with pieces of a hunch. I know that if I were in your situation, I'd make a plan. I'd suggest you brainstorm everything from beginning to end, starting with where and how to go about gathering information. Who could advise you in Saudi Arabia? You need allies but be circumspect. You must not raise suspicions with a loose cannon like your husband. Maybe start by keeping your antenna up, listening and looking for signs of other people in your predicament. Have you read Susie of Arabia? She's an older American who lives there with her Saudi husband and son. She has won awards for a blog she writes by the same name. She's pretty fearless about what she writes which is not all favorable to the country, though I'm sure it could be stronger than it is. There's bound to be information in that blog that can help you. Make a list of questions that you think you'll need answers to, e.g.: How can a woman hide money in Saudi Arabia? How would he try to take revenge and try to get you back? Can the American Embassy protect you, give you sanctuary? Will they fly you to the US? Write out in a list what he's done to you. Don't embellish. Just the facts. Keep that where you can get it easily. Where can you stay for a while in the US until you get yourself established? What can the US embassy do for you? Will they give sanctuary? You'd have to prove abuse maybe; I have no idea. etc. You may need to decide if you're willing to give up the rest of your life for a dog. Good. Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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