LadyLuper Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 I have been dating this man for three months now we i thought were exclusive, he calls me his girlfriend has introduced me to a few of his friends.. I saw him the day before 4th of july 2020 we spent the morning together and most of the day it was such a good day! i do want to mention we are intimate too! I have not heard from him since i left him Friday evening.. I sent him a text message the day before asking him how his holiday weekend went and when we can see each other to call me when your all said and done at work , no response but i do see he is active on Facebook messenger! I was so upset last night i totally do not understand why he hasn't been in touch.. Here's a man that asked me to go on vacation in November with him and he wanted to take me on a getaway weekend trip in upstate New York in the next week or so. I am totally blown away that he hasn't called me, I don't know if i am worrying for nothing i just do not know what to make of this.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 He either met someone else, his ex came back or he is having second thoughts about you. Have you met his family and has he met yours? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8, 2020 Share Posted July 8, 2020 3 hours ago, LadyLuper said: I don't know if i am worrying for nothing I don't think you're worrying for nothing. Something is up with him. You can obviously see he's alive and well but not responding, for some reason. That sudden and drastic turnaround isn't a good sign. Do you happen to know much about his dating/relationship history? Any recent break-ups, or pattern of short-lived relationships? I'm sorry you're going through this, in any case. It's not a good feeling to be left hanging with no clue what is happening. That alone would make me seriously re-evaluate if I wanted this person in my life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted July 9, 2020 Share Posted July 9, 2020 I agree that something is definitely not right. I wouldn't send anymore messages. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Uptown182 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 On 7/8/2020 at 9:45 AM, LadyLuper said: I have been dating this man for three months now we i thought were exclusive, he calls me his girlfriend has introduced me to a few of his friends.. I saw him the day before 4th of july 2020 we spent the morning together and most of the day it was such a good day! i do want to mention we are intimate too! I have not heard from him since i left him Friday evening.. I sent him a text message the day before asking him how his holiday weekend went and when we can see each other to call me when your all said and done at work , no response but i do see he is active on Facebook messenger! I was so upset last night i totally do not understand why he hasn't been in touch.. Here's a man that asked me to go on vacation in November with him and he wanted to take me on a getaway weekend trip in upstate New York in the next week or so. I am totally blown away that he hasn't called me, I don't know if i am worrying for nothing i just do not know what to make of this.. Yup this would concern me after 3 months of exclusive dating in which he’s calling you his girlfriend. Have you heard from him? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 On 7/8/2020 at 9:45 AM, LadyLuper said: I have been dating this man for three months now we i thought were exclusive, I saw him the day before 4th of july 2020 i do want to mention we are intimate too! I have not heard from him since i left him Friday evening.. I sent him a text message the day before no response but i do see he is active on Facebook messenger! This is not a good sign. For whatever reason, in the past week, he's changed his mind or has demoted you on his priority list without telling you. I'd stop contacting him. He's the one who needs to be making the next move, not you, be it to explain himself and make serious amends or break things off with you. If you feel compelled to contact him, make your sole reason be to end this. Anything else is letting him know you will tolerate his ghosting. The 3 month mark is when weak foundation relationships begin to fail because the "representatives on their best behavior" are being dismissed and the "real him/real you" who have been suppressed for 3 months are coming to the fore. The "real him" sees nothing wrong with letting you twist in the wind for 7 days--and anyone would say that that is unacceptable behavior. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLuper Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 So I texted him 4 days ago asking him if everything was ok with him, so he responded back that he is extremely busy that his social calendar is inhibited by his work schedule.. So that being said i feel that he should still message me just letting me know that he is ok.. i am just so bothered by the fact that i didn't see this coming at all things were amazing.. I am not texting him or calling him i am letting the new week go by and if i do not hear anything from him it's over!!!! I have to look at it this way it is his loss! i have met some of his friends and i met his son last week.. our conversations that we'd have very intimate and personal that is another thing that is really bothering me we both opened up about each other big time.. He's been divorced for 12 years and i have been a widow for almost 7.. It was hard letting another man into my life and i finally did with this man..He knew this too! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 Alas he is playing games with you. Read a pop psychology book, called He's Just Not That Into You. The excuse you are getting is one of the oldest in the world. If this guy wanted to be with you, he'd make it happen. The fact that he isn't chasing is evidence that he's not as interested as you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 35 minutes ago, LadyLuper said: i met his son last week Do you think that might have anything to do with it? How old is the son? If the son reacted badly to his father being with you (or any woman other than his mother) it might have made him withdraw and take time to re-evaluate. Or maybe just the act of having you meet his son freaked him out. Three months is still pretty early on for a relationship. Neither possibility excuses him dropping out on you, but it might explain his silence. No one is too busy to send a text or make a quick call. I wouldn't follow up with him again. If/when he initiates contact again I would be very wary of trusting he won't just drop out again, especially if he doesn't offer you any better explanation than his work schedule and would take it slow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLuper Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 i was thinking the same thing.. we were sitting on his outside deck and his son happen to stop over here is the kicker i said this must be your son so he introduced us.. ; now if i didn't say anything he would have never introduced us what is up with that.. maybe he did freak out a little..so his text message back to me again was that his social calendar has been inhibited by his work schedule then he proceeded to tell me about the 4th of july party that it was a family fiasco things didn't go too well messaging me like we were together.. Again I am going to say it this week coming up if i do not hear anything it's over and it's his loss.. thank you all for commenting i so appreciate your input it's making me feel better!!!!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 If he wasn't ready for you to meet the son but the meeting happened, that could be an issue. If the son is giving him grief, there's your answer Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLuper Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 His son is 36 years old i would think they would want their father to find a woman 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 My EX was in his mid 30s when his mother died. When his father took up with a lovely woman after a respectful period of mourning both my EX & his older brother were dreadful They resented their father's companion. It was all so childish but it made their father consider dumping the woman. I convince them to give her a chance & it worked out but if the adult son had a negative reaction to you, the father probably cooled off. Link to post Share on other sites
Uptown182 Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 1 hour ago, LadyLuper said: His son is 36 years old i would think they would want their father to find a woman I thought it was his son as well. But if his son is 36, I don’t know. The only other thing might be he just wasn’t ready for you to meet him yet, and that itself through him off. But I can see this happening more so when the kids are young, not so much when they’re grown adults. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, LadyLuper said: So I texted him 4 days ago asking him if everything was ok with him, so he responded back that he is extremely busy that his social calendar is inhibited by his work schedule.. Quote but i do see he is active on Facebook messenger! But he has time to be on messenger talking to others. Nope... that doesn't wash after 3 months. Does he have a history of letting his son peck at him over his life decisions? If not, then I don't think it's the son. If yes, there's your answer. His son runs things. He's ghosting on you--probably because of the "why bother" syndrome that happens with adults of "a certain age" who get back into dating. It's happened to me and I've done it myself. Two things: 1. you don't pop up in his mind during the course of a day to the point where he at the very least sends you a "thinking about you" text 2. He doesn't worry that someone else may swoop in while he's ignoring you and turn your head. he's dropping the ball... Edited July 11, 2020 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLuper Posted July 12, 2020 Author Share Posted July 12, 2020 He is 63 i am 56 he should be happy that he found someone younger than him.. Once this week goes by and i do not hear nothing I am assuming that this relationship is over..I am not going to hold my hand on my ass waiting i will be looking elsewhere.. One more thing why i am bothered by all this is because he invited me to go away in november to the carribean and do the weekend getaways to upstate new york.. He'd also cook for me every weekend and by the way that is when we would get together on the weekend i would spend friday nights and all day saturday with him we would have so much fun together. this is why i am blown away by the silent treatment.. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 12, 2020 Share Posted July 12, 2020 8 hours ago, LadyLuper said: He is 63 i am 56 he should be happy that he found someone younger than him. Unfortunately, there is no "should" when it comes to matters like this. Being younger, or prettier, or more stable, or whatever other positive trait guarantees nothing. I think you're discovering that he just does not take this relationship as seriously as he led you to believe. At 63, he knows how to keep a woman in his "social calendar" even if work gets busy. That's an excuse. I'm afraid to say that he's re-thinking the relationship and trying to fade out on you. A man who's interested in keeping you around doesn't behave this way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 12, 2020 Share Posted July 12, 2020 My guess the son was not happy and they spent the holiday weekend fighting about you. Now he is between a rock and a hard place. Please his son or please you. Adult children can be displeased as they can see that their inheritance will be eventually redirected to the new partner... being younger you will likely be the survivor... It is thus in the son's best interests to get rid of you early doors... Or he just didn't like you, not "good enough" for his father maybe. Or he got upset with another woman taking his mother's place. I also think some adult kids with a divorced often lonely parent can feel they have a special relationship with that parent, so will resent any incomer taking the focus away from them. Who knows the reason, but i think it is highly likely the son had something to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 12, 2020 Share Posted July 12, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Unfortunately, there is no "should" when it comes to matters like this. Being younger, or prettier, or more stable, or whatever other positive trait guarantees nothing. I think you're discovering that he just does not take this relationship as seriously as he led you to believe. At 63, he knows how to keep a woman in his "social calendar" even if work gets busy. That's an excuse. I'm afraid to say that he's re-thinking the relationship and trying to fade out on you. A man who's interested in keeping you around doesn't behave this way. Yes, this is it. You're being phased out without any formal notice. I also suspect that the son is behind it. The fact that you're 7 years younger has no bearing on anything. When people speak of "the younger woman" at this age they're talking about 20 years difference. I think the son has a type of jealousy that happens fairly often. It's about them more than the parent. They aren't comfortable seeing their parent with someone new, replacing their other parent. It happened to my father-in-law with two adult daughters, and it happened to a woman I was about to date with her two adult sons. In each case the children lost that battle when the parents went ahead and did what they wanted to. It's not the kid's decision to make. But that won't keep them from trying, and disrupting things as much as possible. If he were really into you (can't believe I'd ever use that phrase), he'd tell the son to put it where the sun don't shine, or something to that effect. It's not fair to you at all... but a brush-off without a reason never feels fair to the one getting brushed. I say don't wait around on him––and if he does come slinking back, tell him your social calendar is full. Edited July 12, 2020 by salparadise 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLuper Posted July 12, 2020 Author Share Posted July 12, 2020 i appreciate all of your feedback as it has helped me realize that it's time to move on..i have been a widow for almost 7 years and it took me this long to allow a man to come into my life. Next time i am not getting my hopes up not going to get attached it will take me even longer now to trust another man Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 12, 2020 Share Posted July 12, 2020 Do be cautious going forward but not closed off. You read the signs you were given correctly; it's understandable that you started to get invested. This silent treatment appears to be a 180 degree turn 3 months in. It does happen but don't let it close yourself off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 13, 2020 Share Posted July 13, 2020 11 hours ago, LadyLuper said: Next time i am not getting my hopes up not going to get attached it will take me even longer now to trust another man It happens to nearly everyone I think. I've been burned a few times myself. But you have to realize that if it isn't working for both people there is only one possible outcome, and it's better sooner rather than later. I do think it's spineless of him to not inform you, but perhaps he intended to and was working up to it. As @d0nnivain advised, don't put up high walls as a defense. Just take things a day at a time and don't get invested too soon. Enjoy the now and try not to be outcome oriented. I know it's easier said than done, but it's a middle way that will allow you to enjoy your time on the planet. Three months isn't that long. A lot of relationships end at about that milestone. You'll feel sad for awhile but will be okay in time. Allow yourself some time to grieve and then begin to normalize with lots of intention. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 19, 2020 Share Posted July 19, 2020 I'm sorry to hear what happened. It is totally understandable that you would have become attached, given his behaviour. I suspect he is one of these people that does not really know himself and turns on a coin. It is right that you feel hurt and blindsided by this. I don't agree with the 'son' thing making a difference. His son is not a baby and the guy you were dating is a grown man. He is perfectly capable of making up his own mind about a woman without his son's input. If he isn't capable, then believe me, you don't want him. I think you are right not to give him any longer than a week. I think more than 4 days out of his usual pattern of communication is enough to dump him. He is not ill or incapable of texting. Sorry you were on the receiving end of this. I hope the next guy you find is more mature than this one. He did lead you on, even if he did not intend to. You have every right to feel upset. It is not worth wasting your mental time on this though because some people just behave like this. They leap in, offer a lot, and then suddenly back off. That pattern of behaviour shows he would not be reliable in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 On 7/12/2020 at 8:34 AM, LadyLuper said: i appreciate all of your feedback as it has helped me realize that it's time to move on..i have been a widow for almost 7 years and it took me this long to allow a man to come into my life. Next time i am not getting my hopes up not going to get attached it will take me even longer now to trust another man Treat them they way you'd want them to treat you. Don't play power games. Not everyone is going to work out. You have to stomp a lot of toads to find the prince, but you can find one. Don't expect devotion too early; don't live in the future--live in the now. Take everything one day at a time. Good men in this age bracket exist and you don't want someone who's going to make you run the distrust gauntlet due to what some other messed up woman put them through. Link to post Share on other sites
BeeEater Posted July 20, 2020 Share Posted July 20, 2020 Lady Luper, I’m new here and a recent widow. I wanted to say I’m sorry things have come to this. Link to post Share on other sites
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