JolliX Posted July 9, 2020 Share Posted July 9, 2020 Today I request insight and advice. When going through a break up, how should I go about evaluating what I did wrong/could improve vs what was out of my hands/her responsibility to improve? I feel that during the breakup conversation I took all the burden of why things didn't work onto myself, which wasn't fair to anyone because she didn't get honest feedback about how she impacted the relationship, and I took everything for why it didn't work. Do I address that (I don't plan to talk with her more past just getting a few things back from her, so it would be in letter form for her to read if she chooses)? Our breakup was because of arguments. We would argue about once per week about something, and it was almost always started and happened by text. I put a lot of effort into trying to understand what she needed, but I never felt she did the same, and I would try to explain that to her. She would always say that she was being patient with me and trying her hardest, but however the argument went, if apologies were ever owed, I was the only one ever apologizing. I can provide more details, but really I am just looking for advice on how to evaluate and find out where I could improve. To clarify neither of us were abusive or mean to each other, we would just argue over things that would came down to someone did something that hurt the other's feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 9, 2020 Share Posted July 9, 2020 It depends on if you are looking to mend fences and get back together. If you just want out then taking all the blame is a good way to do it. Why care if she goes through life thinking you were the one who ruined everything. You are out and free. No need for closure. It's not your responsibility to help her improve her love life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JolliX Posted July 9, 2020 Author Share Posted July 9, 2020 I don't think getting back together is an option, and with how things have been I don't think it is wise (even though I really want to believe getting back together with her to be an option). I have a few things I need to work on, and those things were cause of some of the arguments and her hurt feelings. On the flip side, she doesn't seem to understand the things that she contributed to the arguments and where my concerns were. So unless she work on those things it would never work again. The things that I need to improve and that I think she needs to improve are (in my opinion) things that can be improved and not personality changes/changes that are unrealistic to expect of someone. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2020 Share Posted July 9, 2020 The post you just wrote IS your closure. You get closure from yourself not your EX. If your EX had the words or the insight to speak frankly about your relationship that level of communication would have prevented the break up. There is nothing she can say to make this better or help you understand because she doesn't have the ability to be that introspective 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JolliX Posted July 9, 2020 Author Share Posted July 9, 2020 That makes sense. I can't get past the feeling that I want her to improve, even though there is nothing between us anymore (and we're not going to be in contact). That's the whole caring for her part that I need to move on from I suppose. It is tough to look back and think that if she put in effort to improve some things it would have been great. But while saying that I don't want it to sound like I don't have faults and areas that I can/should/will improve. But being shouldered with all the blame sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2020 Share Posted July 9, 2020 Then divest yourself of all the blame. You can't make another person improve. You can't fix her. Yes, things may have been better if she took responsibility but since she didn't you need to recognize that is part of why the relationship failed. She may never understand that but you can't educate her. You do you. Let her do her. Be done. Move on. If nothing else you learned from this that if you see yourself putting in more effort than the other person, you need to give them room to work & if they don't invest in the relationship, you need to re-evaluate how much effort it is worth it to you when you are not getting the same in returrn 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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