Online friends since 2016, I want to finally meet her, how do I go from here?

[TheEternalPessimist]

The infrequent contact now is a detail, I've explained why already and why that's nothing more than a detail. At this point, if she wants us to never see each other and be less close than before she should say it so we can stop playing games and cut contact definitely. Hints are lame and in the long run they make things worse. 

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Again, if she didn't want me in her life anymore, she would have said something by now. I didn't do anything to her for her not to want me in her life anymore. 

 

I beg to differ.  If your tone of writing to her is anything like your tone in your posts here, it's possible that you are scaring her off and that is the reason for her less frequent communication with you.  The more you post here, you sound weirdly obsessed with her.  It's very possible that she's too shy to just explicitly tell you that she doesn't want to meet or that she doesn't want this friendship to progress to the next level.  A lot of young women are too shy to come out and say things like that, they feel like they have to "go along with" things.  I was like that.  So her way of responding to it is just to appear to "go with the flow" however at the same time, kind of fade away and talk to you less often.

In one of your other posts you said that you haven't talked about this with her (what she wants out of this friendship) because you don't want to come off as "angry and confrontational".  Why would you even say that?  So you "refuse to let this friendship die' and you're "angry" about it?  That IS creepy.  She is smart for not meeting up with you.

[TheEternalPessimist]

8 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I beg to differ.  If your tone of writing to her is anything like your tone in your posts here, it's possible that you are scaring her off and that is the reason for her less frequent communication with you.  The more you post here, you sound weirdly obsessed with her.  It's very possible that she's too shy to just explicitly tell you that she doesn't want to meet or that she doesn't want this friendship to progress to the next level.  A lot of young women are too shy to come out and say things like that, they feel like they have to "go along with" things.  I was like that.  So her way of responding to it is just to appear to "go with the flow" however at the same time, kind of fade away and talk to you less often.

In one of your other posts you said that you haven't talked about this with her (what she wants out of this friendship) because you don't want to come off as "angry and confrontational".  Why would you even say that?  So you "refuse to let this friendship die' and you're "angry" about it?  That IS creepy.  She is smart for not meeting up with you.

There is no tone, you cannot judge tone based on posts on a forum, that is highly subjective and unfair. By that same logic and reasoning, I could go ahead and call you judgemental for judging me so much just by reading some of the extremely unpleasant (I could use way worse language) things you have written about me in this thread. I won't do that because that would rude towards you, I'm just giving you an example. If my friend wants to move on, no problem. I just hope she will one day tell me how she really feels without me having to ask. I (still) like her a lot as a person but things are needlessly complicated right now. 

I used the terms "angry" and "confrontational" because conversations about the status of a friendship are never easy, emotions can run high and tough words can be exchanged. It's not conversations you want to have with a friend and it's not conversations you usually have with a friend. Obviously, if you realize you're not on the same wave length at all, it can be disheartening to say the least. I have every right to be angry (upset, rather) about the way things have been going lately, there is nothing creepy about that. I wish her no harm and I'm not upset at her as much as I'm upset about the situation. Nobody likes to see a friendship potentially fade away for no real reason after 4 years and if that makes me "obsessive", "weird", "creepy" then so be it.  I have been a fantastic friend to a lot of people and I can still be a fantastic friend to her as well.

[d0nnivain]

Women are socialized NOT to be direct.   Men are direct but women are more indirect, hinting, suggesting, implying but not always being specific.  

I understand that you are frustrated because you don't know what's what at this point . . . does she want to continue this friendship or if she's done.  She probably won't tell you directly if she has no interest in continuing.  She's wait for you to just be done & walk away.  She does not want the confrontation nor will she do anything to discuss it or resolve it. 

As for not being able to judge you based on your posts, applied linguistics is the science devoted to doing just that.   While I don't pretend to be such a scientist, there is something intense about you.  From the beginning I got a negative vibe from the way you talked about your whole interaction with this girl.  Maybe that is personal to be but we're now on p. 3 of this thread & multiple people are suggesting that your tone is off putting.  

[TheEternalPessimist]

14 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Women are socialized NOT to be direct.   Men are direct but women are more indirect, hinting, suggesting, implying but not always being specific.  

I understand that you are frustrated because you don't know what's what at this point . . . does she want to continue this friendship or if she's done.  She probably won't tell you directly if she has no interest in continuing.  She's wait for you to just be done & walk away.  She does not want the confrontation nor will she do anything to discuss it or resolve it. 

As for not being able to judge you based on your posts, applied linguistics is the science devoted to doing just that.   While I don't pretend to be such a scientist, there is something intense about you.  From the beginning I got a negative vibe from the way you talked about your whole interaction with this girl.  Maybe that is personal to be but we're now on p. 3 of this thread & multiple people are suggesting that your tone is off putting.  

That's not true, I know plenty of women who are direct and I respect that way more than hints which tend to exacerbate tense situations. You cannot accurately pinpoint a behavior. Being direct is influenced by a myriad of factors, gender is not one of them. If she is not willing to be direct once we talk about this then I will be direct which I'd rather avoid at this point.

Not multiple people, you and maybe 2 other people not including others that came here with a self-righteous attitude to try to see controversies where there are none and attempt to analyze me as if they have two PhD's in psychology and human behaviorism. My tone here is not the tone I have in real life and through text messages. In the meantime, I've noticed you yourself managed to give absolutely zero genuine advice on how to go from here except lazy solutions like "duhhh just give up" while at the same time calling me "creepy" and "intense" for not want to lose a friend. Believe me, a lot of people would beg all day to have a friend like me that cares as much as I do and that has such a big heart for people.

Edited July 11, 2020 by TheEternalPessimist

[d0nnivain]

You tried twice to meet up & she said no.  Now it's been a year since you brought it up.  She has never brought up meeting. 

Maybe the 3rd time is the charm. 

You say you don't want to bring it up.  That avoidance is part of your problem. 

Tell her some of what you told us. . . that not meeting hurts you & you'd like her to explain her refusal.  Perhaps it's time for you to be the adult & bring this to a head. 

If you don't want to take action, you don't have to but that just leaves you in this limbo.  

[Erik30]

On 7/10/2020 at 7:51 PM, TheEternalPessimist said:

that I talk to other girls too, that I badly want a girlfriend

I actually assumed you were gay since you met on an LGBT app... I think that might be the problem. She could be worried that you want more than just a friendship. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

I doubt that, the guy from the app that she met in real life isn't gay either and over the years I talked about a variety of topics with her that clearly indicate I'm not gay.

[Erik30]

2 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I doubt that, the guy from the app that she met in real life isn't gay either and over the years I talked about a variety of topics with her that clearly indicate I'm not gay.

That might be true but you were still at "safe distance" back then. It's also possible that she had some bad experiences with other (straight) male friends. Either way, it seems she just doesn't want to meet up.

 

Ask her again, (don't mention the other times) if she gives you another "no," assume it's always just going to be an online friendship and nothing more. You shouldn't have to convince a friend to see you.

[TheEternalPessimist]

3 hours ago, Erik30 said:

That might be true but you were still at "safe distance" back then. It's also possible that she had some bad experiences with other (straight) male friends. Either way, it seems she just doesn't want to meet up.

 

Ask her again, (don't mention the other times) if she gives you another "no," assume it's always just going to be an online friendship and nothing more. You shouldn't have to convince a friend to see you.

You're absolutely right, I will not beg for this to work out if she has no desire to work it out. I will not beg for her friendship either.

[Pumaza]

to much text

[Noproblem]

I think you need to send her a good bye text message, wish her well and end this already finished friendship.

 

I am sorry it turned out this way, but that's life. People don't keep their friendships and you can't force them to do that.

 

Let her go, you deserve better!

 

 

Edited July 25, 2020 by Noproblem

[Wiseman2]

Are you concerned she's catfishing?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you concerned she's catfishing?

He's probably in jail by now.

 

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you concerned she's catfishing?

I'm not actually, I definitely know she's real and that she is who she says she is. Although I can see how someone who was catfishing would come up with excuses not to meet to avoid getting caught but that's clearly not her case. She has other reasons which I don't really understand either way and will probably never find out. 

Edited July 26, 2020 by TheEternalPessimist

[TheEternalPessimist]

On 7/25/2020 at 3:55 AM, Noproblem said:

I think you need to send her a good bye text message, wish her well and end this already finished friendship.

 

I am sorry it turned out this way, but that's life. People don't keep their friendships and you can't force them to do that.

 

Let her go, you deserve better!

 

 

I do think I deserve better, I am willing to give her a few more months until she moves to Canada (if shes does move there) and see what happens. Either way, she has to come to my area to submit traveling documents and paperwork at some point and if she does I expect her to at least let me know she's coming. But yeah I'm not going to fight for this friendship eternally especially since I've been disappointed a lot lately. 

[Noproblem]

48 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I do think I deserve better, I am willing to give her a few more months until she moves to Canada (if shes does move there) and see what happens. Either way, she has to come to my area to submit traveling documents and paperwork at some point and if she does I expect her to at least let me know she's coming. But yeah I'm not going to fight for this friendship eternally especially since I've been disappointed a lot lately. 

have you considered meeting new people in Germany via meet up groups? or via dating sites ?

[Mystery4u]

2 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I do think I deserve better, I am willing to give her a few more months until she moves to Canada (if shes does move there) and see what happens. Either way, she has to come to my area to submit traveling documents and paperwork at some point and if she does I expect her to at least let me know she's coming. But yeah I'm not going to fight for this friendship eternally especially since I've been disappointed a lot lately. 

She won't tell you she is coming. I can guarantee you that. And with good reason from reading your posts in this topic. You are.... odd.

[TheEternalPessimist]

Nothing odd about wanting to meet someone who I've known for 4 years when we now live in the same country. There are things way more "odd" than that. 

[JTSW]

7 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Nothing odd about wanting to meet someone who I've known for 4 years when we now live in the same country. There are things way more "odd" than that. 

its odd that you can't accept that she's not interested in meeting you and continue to creepily obseess about it.

You talk like she's done you wrong when she hasn't.

[TheEternalPessimist]

7 hours ago, JTSW said:

its odd that you can't accept that she's not interested in meeting you and continue to creepily obseess about it.

You talk like she's done you wrong when she hasn't.

I hardly creepily obsess about it, just about I talk about it here does not mean that's the only thing I think about all day long. I have a career, I have a life outside of my friendship with her. But that doesn't mean I don't think about it ever and that I'm not bothered by where this is going.

She has in a way done me wrong because she isn't communicating her feelings to me. She's keeping this friendship going for her own self-interests apparently without really seeming concerned about how I feel. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I'm getting some 90 Day Fiance vibes here

[TheEternalPessimist]

That's your opinion. ^^

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

She has in a way done me wrong because she isn't communicating her feelings to me. She's keeping this friendship going for her own self-interests apparently without really seeming concerned about how I feel. 

How do you know that exactly? 

This is what people mean when they say you are odd.

She has NOT done you wrong. She doesnt have to care about your feelings. 

She doesnt owe you a single thing.

Edited July 28, 2020 by JTSW

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

How do you know that exactly? 

This is what people mean when they say you are odd.

She has NOT done you wrong. She doesnt have to care about your feelings. 

She doesnt owe you a single thing.

There's a difference between not owing someone anything and not caring about someone's feelings. Part of being friends with someone is being considerate of the other person's feeling, it's just sheer decency. After 4 years of friendship, I would expect more from her in certain cases.

I don't know for sure, at this point I know very little for sure which is also part of the problem as I explained before.