Mil3nko420 Posted July 9, 2020 Share Posted July 9, 2020 I've been with my wife for 15 years and a few years ago I cheated on her I know she knew and for years I lied about it well I'm getting clean off years of drug abuse and I've been feeling alot of guilt so this morning I confessed but also asked her to as well because there have been accusation on her doing it as well also i should let you know that a few years ago me her and a few friends went camping and we were all drinking and me and her argued about somethin and she went to the other shack where our friends were in went out there about 15 min later and she's on our friends lame making out and feeling each other up, I forgave her then a few days later she calls his name out in bed. There was also another time we were drinking and she was blatantly flirting with this guy we had just met right in front of me. There have been accusations from people that say they have had sex with her. So now want her to come clean and she claims she has never cheated on me. What are the odds she telling me the truth? Because I dont believe her at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted July 9, 2020 Share Posted July 9, 2020 Some people will never admit to anything, no matter what. Even if everything is in front of their face. Clearly, she cheated, as you said: She was in this "friend's lap" making out with him. That is cheating. Where there is smoke, there is fire. Lots of rumors about her cheating ( normally would require proof to back it up , and all may not be true...) She however, was caught making out with the other guy. This all sounds very toxic. Your best bet is divorce. It is great that you got cleaned up. Use that as motivation and move on to better things. It may not be easy, but this all sounds too toxic. Sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2020 Share Posted July 9, 2020 You are getting clean. Good for you. You know that takes a LOT of soul searching & making amends. There are steps for a reason. If you are doing them & she's still partying, you can't expect her to be where you are emotionally. When one person gets sober but the other doesn't that can play havoc on a marriage. Talk to your sponsor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mil3nko420 Posted July 9, 2020 Author Share Posted July 9, 2020 I have to say I dont believe that she hasn't done more with other ppl, but j do know that she does love me very much because all those years I was shooting heroin and cocaine she didnt do that she only drinks smokes pot and she stuck with me then and thru my time in prison which was 18 most the first time and 2 years the second. I. Torn here because I do love her but if she wont admit it. Then does she even feel the guilt that I feel about when I cheated on her? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 9, 2020 Share Posted July 9, 2020 (edited) Seems to me you want to lessen your cheating and lying by getting her to confess to cheating too, to assuage the guilt you feel. You have obviously put up with the making out episode, the flirting episode and the rumours up till now, so what is your plan? Are you going to divorce her? Edited July 9, 2020 by elaine567 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mil3nko420 Posted July 9, 2020 Author Share Posted July 9, 2020 I honestly dont know what I'm going to do I've been with her half my life, I just cant believe that is the only times she's got like that and that she hasn't gone farther with someone else or him because I caught her those time she's telling me that's the only time ever that that has happened and while I was in prison I asked her not to go out drinking because of them times bet she went out anyway and used to lie a out it over the phone I found out somehow that she was going out and after confronting her she admit she went out. She swears to mewhile crying she hasn't ever done more but how can she not have if I caught her in those acts. I find it had to believe only time she's ever done it were the times she was caught. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 9, 2020 Share Posted July 9, 2020 What are you prepared to do if she sticks to her story? At some point, you have to ask yourself if you can accept that she's telling the truth and really let this go - or listen to your suspicions and end it. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2020 Share Posted July 9, 2020 You were in jail for 2.5 years of your marriage. You had a physical human mistress in here but your real mistress was drugs. You put those drugs over her for 15 years. Even if she doesn't admit it, if you love her & she stops going forward, maybe you can find a way to forgive her. I'm not justifying cheating but heaven knows you weren't exactly there for her all this time. If you want your marriage to have a fighting chance, stop making this the hill you die on. At this point the only answer you will accept is that she had sex with another man. Get some marriage counseling. Let her keep this aspect of her past in the past. Work together to build a trusting, loving sober future. If you want to pound on the table & demand to hear a bell you will never be able to unring, just divorce. You are poisoning your marriage at this point because you won't move forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mil3nko420 Posted July 9, 2020 Author Share Posted July 9, 2020 I can forgive her but I want the truth only fair I gave her mine, now she's givin me half truths like if I did do something with someone I dont remember. I might have made out with some people at the bar. Stuff like that. And 2 of those years in prison was because a police got out of line and put his hand on her so I beat him up Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted July 9, 2020 Share Posted July 9, 2020 Try marriage counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
Realitysux Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 (edited) I was talking to these guys at work the other day and they were talking about marriage. I always assumed married people had a strong connection and marriage bliss but that's not the case. It's the only way I would be in a relationship but I'm just on a rant now. Do people read rants? These guys were talking about how they shouldn't get divorced but just cheat and i went on about the emotional risks for the women against the men. They explained to me that women cheat more then men and I was shocked but open to accept that's the truth. If you have to cheat on the person then stay single. If you work jobs that pay you enough to be single then why do you need a wife. I gather that's a little different view but isn't that a major part in marriage is building a life together and having a life partner. If your life partner isn't satisfying enough in bed then just go after life solo. Edited July 10, 2020 by Realitysux Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 11 hours ago, Mil3nko420 said: I can forgive her but I want the truth only fair I gave her mine, now she's givin me half truths like if I did do something with someone I dont remember. I might have made out with some people at the bar. Stuff like that. And 2 of those years in prison was because a police got out of line and put his hand on her so I beat him up If you know she's giving you half-truths, and you're not happy with it, what are you still doing there? You can't force somebody to tell you the truth, much as you want to hear it. It sounds like you two have had a fairly toxic relationship. Are you sure this is worth salvaging? Sometimes it's better to move on and eventually start fresh with someone new. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 So what happened when you told your wife you HAD been cheating and lying about it for years? What was her reaction to that? Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesky00 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: So what happened when you told your wife you HAD been cheating and lying about it for years? What was her reaction to that? Well, cheating is never a good thing. I just hope he used a condom at least and didn’t knock the other woman up! Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 (edited) If you're looking to change your life, that's good but its unreasonable to expect the other person to be at same stage you're at just because you're there now. If they're unwilling to join you on yours, they've made their choice; a choice to follow their own trajectory and look out for themselves. That is not good for a relationship which requires two, to succeed. What you've got to decide, is are you okay with what this relationship is and who she is currently is? Can you honestly trust her with other men or trust her in general? If the answers are no and no and no, then you need to divorce this woman, because you'll likely be putting up with more of this, and it'll be your fault you're suffering, knowing the kind of person she is. You are in charge of your own well-being and the quality in which your life turns out. Also consider, people don't change overnight. Maybe the only occasion they do is if they experience heavy emotional trauma. But in general, good, meaningful change requires acceptance that she's unhappy with who she currently is, has a good idea of who she wants become, and is now willing and open to make the necessary changes to get there. That means internal work which requires alone time and a lot of time at that. Stay strong - Beach Edited July 10, 2020 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
Fresh_Start Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 21 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Let her keep this aspect of her past in the past. Work together to build a trusting, loving sober future. This is exceptional advice that only exceptional people are able to successfully navigate. Some people are incapable of letting go of the past, of moving forward, of offering genuine forgiveness, and even understanding that there are those who have done things in their past they are ashamed of and would rather keep there as it is no longer relevant to who they are in the present. The OP, unfortunately, appears to be one of those people who needs to know these details without understanding that even if he gets the answers he's seeking, it's not going to offer him peace of mind or allow him to move forward. It's just going to further open a veritable Pandora's Box of trust issues. On the flip side, @Mil3nko420, some people are incapable of admitting to any wrongdoing or taking accountability for their actions even in the face of incontrovertible evidence. You are going to have to accept that you may never get the answers that you seek or the full truth and therefore you have a decision to make: get marriage counselling and work together to build a trusting, loving and sober future like donni recommended or get a divorce if you don't feel like you'll be able to get past this and the relationship is not worth salvaging. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 (edited) On 7/9/2020 at 11:27 AM, Mil3nko420 said: Because I dont believe her at all. There's no need of the fire when the smoke is sufficient. She can deny til times get better, but everyone else around her is indicting her and I seriously doubt it's because they've all colluded because they have an axe to grind with her. This might be her payback for your affair. Just because you came clean doesn't mean she's obliged to do the same. Affairs are destructive and you can never appreciate the damage yours did until she flung that same energy in your teeth. Edited July 10, 2020 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
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