Managing expectations-getting needs met

[curlygirl40]

Hi Loveshack

This will be a bit long, just trying to set the stage before I ask my question.   Also I’m sure it will be cathartic for me to just even write it all down to strangers.  

My bf and I have been together 3 years.   We are in our 50’s.   We live 30 mins away from each other and are currently both getting our houses ready to go on the market so we can sell them and buy something together next year.  

We have a great relationship.   Very solid.   We are friends, we communicate very well.   This is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in.   He’s kind, caring, supportive.  He’s extremely affectionate and attentive typically.   We spend about 5 nights a week together, every weekend, etc.    We make each other happy and share a lot of laughs and we are just good together.   He’s a great guy and I’m so glad that I found him.    When we are together, I never question anything.   He’s affectionate but not in a needy way.   He holds my hand, we sleep close together, when we are watching TV at night, it’s always with me in his lap while he plays with my hair or rubs my back.    We do projects together, run errands together, and so on. 

Our conflicts will typically revolve around me being insecure about things and him being oblivious that I might be feeling that way and then I go down this rabbit hole of feeling bad about myself or wondering if his feelings/love for me is as strong as mine for him, etc.     I was in an emotionally abusive marriage, married young, divorced at 40.    He was in a string of long term monogamous relationships, many of which broke it off with him and some I can tell that he still has regrets about.  Not that he would choose to get back together with these women, but just in the same way that any 50 year old will look back at their lives and regret how certain situations were handled.   He married late in life and his wife left him for another man after 10 years together.    He fought to keep that marriage together but she was already gone.    They have no kids together.

For some reason, I am struggling with something I have never dealt with in any past relationship (although my relationship experience is minimal – married at 22, divorced at 40, dated for a while but my current bf is the only real relationship I have had since my divorce).   I have this overwhelming need to know that I am special to him, that I am the best relationship he’s ever been in, etc.   I guess I sometimes feel like I’m filling a void, like if he didn’t meet me he would have met someone else and been just as happy.    He tells me constantly that he loves me, but I guess I need more.   Sometimes I feel like a cup with a hole in it, I need to hear this and he's not telling me enough so my cup is empty.   

A few weeks ago there was a moment when he said something about regretting not having children, because now he doesn’t get to experience having adult children and grandchildren, like a lot of his friends have, etc.   I made the point of saying something like ‘well I guess you never met someone you wanted to have children with’ and he said something that made me think he had regrets about not settling down with someone early on (someone specific, a long time gf of his from his 20’s).    He didn’t say this specifically, but this is how I translated it.    

This sent me down a whirlwind of feeling like he is settling for what he has in his life right now, that maybe he has regrets about his past that he can’t change, etc. 

We had a long talk a day or so after this.    He then felt horrible that I felt that way, he told me how much he loves me, how this is the best relationship he’s ever been in, how he now knows what it’s like to have a real partner to go through life with, something he hasn’t experienced before.      I felt better and realized that I need to stop feeling this way because I keep telling myself stories and my mind takes over and just because I decide something must be true (that I am filling space and not as important to him), that doesn’t mean it’s true.  

So now it’s 3 weeks later.    I had cancer last year and recently went through a scan to be sure the cancer is behaving.    (It is).    When I received the results of that scan Monday night, there was mention of something going on in my left lung, probably an infection.   I spoke to my Dr. Tuesday and she said ‘What concerns me is that is exactly what we are seeing with Covid’.   So off I go to get tested and now I’m isolated in my house until the results are in.  

I sent him a text Tuesday to tell him about what my Dr. said.   He didn’t reply for hours, which is typical when he’s buried in work, not a big deal.  If it’s super important I know I need to call him and not text.  When he replied, I missed the text and call and then he went into a meeting at the church that night and called me after the meeting was over.   But in that conversation he told me about something him and the church members did after the meeting to clean some things and he called me as he was on his way to find some dinner with one of the church members following him, hoping they could find an outdoor patio to have dinner.  

I was so upset about this.    What I would expect is for him to call again the minute the meeting was over, maybe for him to see if I wanted company, needed anything, etc.     We had a quick conversation, I think he could tell I was upset but I let it go.  I woke up the next morning to texts that he had sent later that night telling me how much he loves me and that ‘we will get through this just fine, I believe in my higher power and you are going to be fine, I love you so much’, then a song from Youtube about love.    He called me first thing the next morning but I was in a zoom meeting so he texted me and just asked how I was feeling.     

This is my problem, I was already annoyed so now any effort he makes isn’t counting in my mind, I’m just rolling my eyes.  I know this is wrong but this is my issue I’m asking for help with. 

So now today he calls me at 2:00 to see how I’m doing.  He mentions that he’s going to pick up something for dinner after work and then says ‘do you want to get together this weekend or do you think you need to wait for results?    If you have it, then I already have it’.    (they are telling me results are 5-7 days)

(by the way, his job is as such that he has very minimal contact with other people, he works out of his car and drives around all day, in case you think he should be quarantining also, he’s o.k doing what he’s doing, alone all day in his car)

And again I’m annoyed.  Typically we would have gotten together last night and probably again tonight but he’s made no effort to come see me.  (our time is split between houses depending on what is going on in our lives, but he probably spends more time here than I do there)  Is he assuming I don’t want to see him because I told him I’m not leaving my house to go anywhere?    I’m just annoyed in general because I don’t feel like he’s stepping up.   

My adult son picked up a prescription for me yesterday so I didn’t have to go to the pharmacy (prescription for the lung infection in case that’s all it is).   I don’t have a lot of food in the house and I don’t want to go to the store.  Trust me when I say that I am not starving.   Lol   And I can order delivery or Instacart or whatever.  But not once has he said ‘do you need anything?   Do you want company?  Do you want me to bring you dinner?’.    

So my question really is about managing expectations.  I know he can’t read my mind, I know he knows I’m a strong independent woman and maybe doesn’t even think that I’m over here sulking and wondering if this is a clue that he is not invested in the relationship.    But I can’t get these thoughts out of my mind. 

Normally I would have a talk with him without accusing him of anything, but after we just had that talk 3 weeks ago I feel like a baby here.   I don’t want our relationship based on me being needy and having these expectations that maybe he can’t meet and then worrying that it all means something bad as he’s just oblivious going about his day.     I don’t want our happy relationship to devolve into me feeling bad and needy and then calling him on things and then him feeling bad about himself.

I know this might seem like a non issue or that with everything else being so good, I’m just finding something to complain about.   But this causes me so much emotional stress.   Somedays I think about this all day, I go to bed early, I cry way too much for someone who has so much good in my life.  There are days it’s running my life.   This worrying.     

Thoughts???