guy45 Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 (edited) These last couple of months have felt pretty depressing for me. A woman which I had a long distance relationship with for about two years changed her mind about me in January. This was someone I really liked and still think of even months later from time to time. I'm 28 years old now. I'm starting to feel that I'm not good enough for anyone that I'd like. Looking back I feel I've wasted many years on online dating sites, talking to people that don't even care about me. I've never felt more discouraged. What can I do to turn things around? Edited July 10, 2020 by guy45 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 I think I'd more or less CTRL-C the advice below for you as well. GL! Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 3 hours ago, guy45 said: Looking back I feel I've wasted many years on online dating sites, talking to people that don't even care about me. Maybe that's the first thing, if you want a caring person maybe you have to meet in person at places where caring people gather and are behaving pleasantly with each other? When it's safe again I'll go to different churches where the people hold similar values as me, I'll do a course or two, hang out at the dog park, volunteer, work out. It's difficult to do anything but online dating right now for a lot of people. But you can work on that niggling voice of 3 hours ago, guy45 said: starting to feel that I'm not good enough for anyone that I'd like. by looking after yourself and caring about yourself in these difficult times. Take a break from it and keep busy with something productive or fun? That's what I'm trying right now, or I'll go under! Hang in there, take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 2 hours ago, guy45 said: These last couple of months have felt pretty depressing for me. This is true for most people pretty much at global level currently, if that helps put things in perspective. Too much time to think, less stuff to do, worries over health and other things... it's almost an open invite to ruminating over negative stuff, especially if you feel a bit lonely. I know it's easy to say, and I sometimes struggle to take this advice, but you really need to keep your focus on positive things, and keep hoping better days are just around the corner. Things will get better for you eventually, you'll see 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 You are almost 30. Take stock of your life. What do you want? Where do you want to be? Figure that out & then take specific steps to achieve those goals 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author guy45 Posted July 10, 2020 Author Share Posted July 10, 2020 13 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said: This is true for most people pretty much at global level currently, if that helps put things in perspective. Too much time to think, less stuff to do, worries over health and other things... it's almost an open invite to ruminating over negative stuff, especially if you feel a bit lonely. I know it's easy to say, and I sometimes struggle to take this advice, but you really need to keep your focus on positive things, and keep hoping better days are just around the corner. Things will get better for you eventually, you'll see You're right, there's way too much time to think about negative things and not much to do right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author guy45 Posted July 10, 2020 Author Share Posted July 10, 2020 5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You are almost 30. Take stock of your life. What do you want? Where do you want to be? Figure that out & then take specific steps to achieve those goals At this point just something to convince me that someone out there can appreciate me. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 1 hour ago, guy45 said: You're right, there's way too much time to think about negative things and not much to do right now. Don't let it get to you (yes, I know, another cliché! Sorry!). Resist the temptation to wallow by all means necessary - that's the only way, until things get back to post-pandemic 'normal'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2020 Share Posted July 10, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, guy45 said: At this point just something to convince me that someone out there can appreciate me. That is external. You have to appreciate yourself. Until you do nobody else will appreciate you. Set a small goal for yourself. I mean small. Don't set get in shape as goal. Instead pick do 5 push ups per day or take a walk . Do that until it becomes a habit / routine. Then add on something else. You have to get your mojo back but it's not that hard to do. It just seems insurmountable right now because you are upset. Edited July 10, 2020 by d0nnivain 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 To only say after 18mths, she was someone you really liked , and still think about from time to time, when it's only been 5 or 6mths , tells you that you just really liked her. But it should've been much much more than that after 18mths , and you would've been thinking about her a lot more than just from time to time sooooo , she wasn't the one anyway. She was nice , but not the one. As for the future , it's only been 6mths , your only 28 , time , relax , live , enjoy . The real one could be yrs away yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author guy45 Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 16 minutes ago, enigma32 said: One thing, I wouldn't suggest investing a bunch of your time in OLD sites. They're mostly garbage and are likely why you are here feeling the way you do today. If you want to feel better about yourself, you need to give yourself reasons to feel that way. The good news is, it doesn't really matter what state your life is currently in, you can crawl your way out of this hole. Instead of investing your time swiping away and hoping to talk to some girl on an OLD site that doesn't give AF about you, take that time to invest in yourself in some way. The top 3 ways to invest in yourself, IMO, would be going to the gym, going to college, or taking up a serious martial art. Man, nothing will bring a guy out of his funk like a cute 19 year old girl texting you in the middle of your college class asking you to come out and let her give you a BJ in the campus parking lot. I was 34 when I went back to college and there is not a better place out there that I can think of for you to meet women. If you do not have a degree, get one. If you already have one, take some classes with plenty of women in them. The gym is also good. The progress you make in the gym gives you more confidence that helps in every aspect of your life, especially dating. There's a lot of women that hang out in gyms with their nice outfits that like chatting with guys there. If you take up and excel at a martial art, your confidence goes way up. There is just something about getting good at fighting that allows you to navigate life with so much more confidence then you would have otherwise. Not to mention, ladies like knowing you can (and will) protect them if it comes to that. You're definitely right about OLD making me feel this way, that's like 80% of the cause. Having your self esteem destroyed daily really takes its toll on you. I already finished college, got my bachelors, and I workout quite often. I would go to the gym but given the current situation everything is mostly closed now as far as I know. I never tried martial arts before but it does seem interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author guy45 Posted July 11, 2020 Author Share Posted July 11, 2020 4 hours ago, d0nnivain said: That is external. You have to appreciate yourself. Until you do nobody else will appreciate you. Set a small goal for yourself. I mean small. Don't set get in shape as goal. Instead pick do 5 push ups per day or take a walk . Do that until it becomes a habit / routine. Then add on something else. You have to get your mojo back but it's not that hard to do. It just seems insurmountable right now because you are upset. You're right, I have to appreciate myself. I've been thinking of that all day since you mentioned it, thank you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 10 hours ago, guy45 said: At this point just something to convince me that someone out there can appreciate me. What have you done so far? Are you proud of your job? Are you a good friend? Or son or brother? Do you have any plans? Dreams? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2020 Share Posted July 11, 2020 Do get off OLD. That will mess with anybody's self esteem. I was reasonably attractive in my mid 30s. Never had problems meeting men, hooking up or finding a relationship. I opened a profile & got tons of rejections or requests from guys I wasn't attracted to. The 3 men I did meet were wholly unsuitable. It was horribly demoralizing. I went back to real life scenarios & viola my mojo was back. It's the medium. With lockdown OLD became the only game in town but it still might not be a game worth playing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dangerous Posted July 12, 2020 Share Posted July 12, 2020 Excellent advice here! I totally agree: 1. Get off OLD. Meet women in real life/ social etc. 2. Improve yourself, as suggested: mind, body. 3. Learn to love yourself. Read books on philosophy to learn about mindfulness, awareness, self: three authors for you: Alain de Botton: The Consolations of Philosophy Anthony de Mello: Awareness Mark Manson: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F* They've helped me, and I've been through massive challenges in my life, and feeling good nowadays. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted July 12, 2020 Share Posted July 12, 2020 The good news is that you are only 28. Do not worry!! LS is here 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted July 13, 2020 Share Posted July 13, 2020 On 7/10/2020 at 9:55 PM, guy45 said: I already finished college, got my bachelors, and I workout quite often. That's wonderful, took me until a lot older than you to work out those things! Link to post Share on other sites
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