How to move on after 5 months in this situation

[Mike871]

Im trying to move on but im finding it a little tough in lockdown.

A little background. I was in a long term relationship for two years We got on really well and I lived with her part time after about the 3-month mark. I’m 32 and she was 26. We met at work She told me she wanted someone to settle down with and eventually get married. She said she had many failed relationships before me and her previous boyfriend failed to commit. I did not see the red flags at the time. I bought a house for both of us after about a year to show her true commitment and that I was genuinely in love and serious with her. We lived there for about 10 months. I was planning on asking her to marry me this year.

Fast forward two years she was becoming more distant and cold we split in February 2020 on bad terms and moved out. UK got locked down in March. She then started to tell people at work after 1 week that she was seeing someone else. This guy was the complete opposite of me very outgoing, he didn’t want to settle down and just wanted to party She told me she never cheated but I do not believe this based on little things that I saw building up before we split. Her new relationship failed end May 2020. I have now heard she is seeing a new guy.

As we work together I have tried my upmost best to apply the no contact rule. I do not check on her social media. I do not ask mutual friends about her. I do not get involved as it helps my recovery. Unfortunately, as we still work for the same place. I do hear from colleagues gossip how her life is progressing. It’s more like limited contact. We were office based but have been working from home for the last four months which has helped me a lot. I do however have to have group web calls on a daily basis and this is a little painful to see her face and see a little glimpse into her life.

We have not spoken over the phone or in person for the last three months. We have kept things professional through emails and our messaging system. However, this week we started to get a little personal. She started asking me about my life. She asked me if ‘I was seeing someone else’ The following day she was very cold again and kept the conversation purely about work.

It’s now been 5 months and I still feel as if I care and somewhat love and miss her. I do not know when this will fade. I have been working on myself and I am mentally and physically much stronger.

I think she’s asking me these questions because she may feel guilty and does not know how to clear the air or what I am thinking about all this. She probably wants to test me to see if she can come out of hiding. From a work perspective it’s in her best interests to keep me on side.

I have watched loads of YouTube stuff and I do not believe she will ever come back. My head tells me this is a terrible idea but the heart still has trouble moving on. Obviously her asking me that question does open up things again and that’s probably why I feel like this. Lockdown limits how you can move on with things.

I am trying to train myself to believe there is no hope not even 1% but its easier said than done. Obviously you hear that her rebound failed and shes trying again with someone else. It’s a pretty clear message that she would never see me in that way again.

What do you suggest I do to get over her. I did not think I would still care after 5 months but her reaching out in a way has made things worse for me. I still care and think about her everyday.

[Beachead]

Hey Mike871,

Sorry for your pain man.

Seems like you've done a lot of reading and research online on coping and dealing with breakups which is a good thing.

Remind yourself of this.   

If after all the time you two shared together, she chose to leave it behind (And you hadn't really done anything serious to warrant it such as being abusive or cheating on her)..then you've done all you can do.  Who you are in your entirety was not someone she was ultimately looking to be with in the stage of life she was at currently.  You miss the person you thought she was; the person you wished she was.  The fantasy.  Who she actually is someone who was not meant to be in your life.  Do not blame yourself for her leaving either.  There are many factors that go into the choices people make in their life and there isn't much you can do about it because her behaviour and actions have to do with her...not you.  Things like her past relationships and past trauma.  How she coped with all of it.  What she wants for herself which stems from what she's been through and what she fears as well as her environment.    You don't have control over these things.

In understanding this and reminding yourself of it, you can begin to see her in a different light, removing her off the pedestal.

Having said that, 5 months is still fresh.  Healing from a breakup takes time.  Sometimes it can take several months to well over a year to kill that hope, depending on how stubborn you can be.  But over time, the emotions quiet and you begin to gain more and more clarity about your situation.  But I will say this..the fact that you have to stay in contact with her because of work is a huge setback for you in your healing.  It will make the process that much more difficult.  Where getting this woman out of your sight and expressing your pain, to get passed her is a must, you don't have this luxury, and seeing her over and over again will reopen wounds that require space from her, to heal.   So if you find your state of mind gradually eroding instead of gradually improving, even by the year mark...you may need to switch companies.

For now, be patient with yourself and let yourself express how you feel without holding back.   And man..never date anyone at work again.   If things go south, this is what happens.  

Stay strong.

- Beach

[kendahke]

7 hours ago, Mike871 said:

What do you suggest I do to get over her.

Remember that she threw you over for men who won't commit to her--and that's probably because deep down inside herself, she doesn't want to be committed to anyone.  She's after guys she needs to fix and to convince them of her worthiness; for her, that's what love looks like: a renovation project.  You're the complete deal--move in ready, needing no convincing and that's not what love looks/feels like to her.

Just because she's sniffing around you and having buyers remorse doesn't mean that she's emotionally ready to settle down with someone who doesn't needs fixing. She most likely is just taking your temperature to be the stand-in simp who'll take her to dinner, spend money on dates with her, have sex with her but she will throw you over for the next fixer-upper who crosses her path.

As far as having to work with her, let it remind you in the future to never poop where you eat. What you are going through right now is the reason why dating co-workers will always be a bad idea. Just maintain a professional demeanor and keep everything about business. Stop allowing the conversations to veer into personal territory. Cut her off when she tries and get back to business or get off the phone.

[Goodguy05]

I can relate to the working together part as that's what happened with me exact same thing too she dated two guys one after another in the office that didn't work out and finally someone outside the office it was painful and has prolonged my healing it's been 4 yrs and I still think of her in some capacity so ummm I guess everyone's different with there healing working together tho as I've experienced prolongs it cause U still see her there's no other way to put it but it does. Me personally I've decided to get some counseling you never really forget em just the pain lessons but they will always form part of your experiences and memories. 

[Mike871]

Thanks for all the comments.

If anyones interested heres the other threads with the history. (I dont expect anyone to read these its pretty long winded)

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/594286-long-term-relationship-has-ended/

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/594912-forgive-an-ex-that-you-have-to-see-everyday/

I feel much better since i wrote those. I should not be curious about her. But yes it is a little difficult at times especially seeing her everyday on web calls. I should not be interested and I do often question what she was thinking throughout all of this. She had an affair and threw me away. I accept all of this completely. I get some satisfaction to hear that his person she left me for that it didnt work out for her and lasted only a few months. I do wonder how she can so easily move on to the next man in such a short space of time. Its none of my business at all. I know shes insecure and I do not believe she wants to be on her own. Hence the red flags I mentioned shes very attractive and has only had short spells of not being in a relationship with someone.

I have to believe that thats no hope at all. My head knows its the right thing never to go back there but its just the heart is struggling to let her go completely even after what she did I was at a point of proposal afterall. I have been working on myself and will continue to do so. Lockdown makes this harder. I feel ready to find someone else but I dont want to rush into it. Sometimes I view my progress as a competition with her to see whos life is better and shes able to find someone else even in lockdown. I need to train myself to stop caring at all about any of that and just progress with my life. Easier said than done! Also not looking forward to going back into the office seeing her in person - I believe our company is planning on doing this end of August. Yes I have thought about changing companies but nothing serious as of yet. Its a well paid Job I enjoy it and have good job satisfaction. It would be a shame if she pushed me out just because I cant get over her fully.

 

[Beachead]

@Mike871

Quote

I have to believe that thats no hope at all. 

Absolutely 100%.  Just remember she received the best you had to give and decided for herself, it wasn't what she was looking for.  If you two got back together, could you trust her around other men? Who's to say, she won't be using you as a safety-net for when her dating life runs dry and she needs a safe haven where she can rebuild her confidence and worth again with someone she trusts and then sets off to find someone again?  If she didn't want what you had to give not too long ago, what's going to change for her, being with you,  a second time around?  

This is how you counter those thoughts that make you want to be with her.  Get negative about her.

5 hours ago, Mike871 said:

I feel ready to find someone else but I dont want to rush into it.

You're not quite there yet, if you're feeling the following:

5 hours ago, Mike871 said:

My head knows its the right thing never to go back there but its just the heart is struggling to let her go completely even after what she did I was at a point of proposal afterall.

5 hours ago, Mike871 said:

Sometimes I view my progress as a competition with her to see whos life is better and shes able to find someone else even in lockdown.

For you to be ready to date someone new, you've got to learn how to enjoy life and find your smile again, on your own.  That's when you know you're good on your own and you won't use a new relationship for the wrong reasons (Such as to escape pain or to compete with your ex over who can move on the fastest).  The last thing you want to is complicate your life further, by introducing new feelings and the responsibility of caring for them, into all this.  You've already got your own to deal with for the moment. 

There is no shame in hurting.  This woman meant something to you and it hurts to lose her.  That is perfectly normal and perfectly okay.  But when a person ends with you, they already have a head-start on getting over you as ideas to breakup don't happen overnight.  They begin weeks or months in advance.  Maybe even a year in advance.  They weigh out the pros and cons of staying or leaving and by the time a person ends it, they know for sure what they want.  Meanwhile, you're hit with this sudden bomb, and you have no idea how to deal with it.  It's a gigantic shock and while you haven't even begun to process the breakup nor will you atleast until a few months have passed by.. your ex has already healed a good 80-90%.

Don't compete.  You won't win and you'll be doing a disservice to yourself as you'll still be living your life to prove something to her, tying you to her (Your past) and stopping you from looking and embracing all the opportunities that'll come your way along the horizon (Your future).

- Beach

 

 

Edited July 11, 2020 by Beachead

[TeddyBundy1993]

Some women are like her. They have another partner ready already when they are involved with someone do they dont hesitate a bit while dumping. Well the way she goes from one relationship to another is a red flag to me atleast. A healthy emotionally stable person will not do this. Anyhow, I can understand you work with and it's terrible to see her every now and then. You cant help much as you ought to deal with her professionally. It has been 5 months, it will take some more time as she fades in your memories. Till then just continue the limited contact with her. 

Well one should never wait for an ex to return but sadly most of us do cling to this futile hope for a while after break up. It's horrible and self destructive.  Even if this girl return please dont take her back. I have been with few women who rant about how they want to love only one man want commitment from him and when he gives them that commitment they move on to explore other pastures in life.she seems one of them to me.  Who only talks and couldn't just reciprocate what you have given. Heal move on and give your time to a women who is willing to return what you offer unlike her.

 

[schlumpy]

Have you got rid of all her memorabilia? Everything that reminds you of her has to go. Burned if you can. Hidden if you can't.

Type in google "cheating 180" and sites will come up that variations of the 180 plan. It can help you clear your mind.

Indifference is your goal. Don't relent on NC until you reach it.

[Mike871]

I want to thank you all for your comments they do help.

I agree with whats been said. I need to focus more on myself. My feelings have been opened up again because of the messages that were sent this week. The curiousity asking about my dating life. To me that isnt what colleagues would do and I wouldnt consider her a friend. During this time in lockdown I decided to move in with family to isolate rather than live on my own. The last couple of weeks I've felt ready to move back into the house that I bought for myself and ex girlfriend. Its probably a combination of these things and also the memories we shared in the house. I have nothing in the house to remind me of her but some photos I have hidden away as I couldnt just burn them.

Yes I shouldnt care for her but its concerning to me that shes moving to the next relationship without having time to look back and heal. Perhaps thats what she considers love and normal for her.

I had some thoughts. Perhaps with all the knock backs and the 'Party boy' type men of the past. She needed me at the time someone safer and committed to heal her and use me as an emotional crutch. She was a very different person at the start of our relationship, now shes had the healing time with me and probably showing her true personality again. I dont know.

[Beachead]

@Mike871

Take your time with it.  Took me quite a awhile to feel like myself again after my own breakups.  The process is slow.  You go through periods of ups and downs and sometimes you'll hit plateaus where you're hurting and it just doesn't go away..that is until enough time passes by where something clicks.  Then you break through the plateau and level up.  There's no timeline for healing either so don't put deadlines on yourself.  For the time being, the best you can do for yourself is continue to live your life, let yourself feel your pain freely, and write about it so that you can document it and use it to help you heal. 

Writing always helped me.  For instance, when my relationship failed, I wrote out all the reasons that led to the breakup.  I wrote out the qualities in my ex I didn't like that were hurting me.  I basically negatively reinforced ideas about the relationship into my head, to counter those natural feelings of missing them and the relationship.  Everytime I got weak and thought about contacting them, I read what I wrote and it set my head right and stopped me from making a potentially big mistake.

8 hours ago, Mike871 said:

My feelings have been opened up again because of the messages that were sent this week. The curiousity asking about my dating life. To me that isnt what colleagues would do and I wouldnt consider her a friend. 

Exactly.  She's screwing around with your social boundaries.  Perhaps it may not be intentional but still, you don't owe her any conversations about your personal life.  Now that she ended it, she doesn't get to have the perks of knowing your personal life and everything else that she used to get in the relationship.  You two are fundamentally coworkers again.  Although the history may complicate things, treat her as you would treat any other coworker.  This isn't to teach her a lesson.  This is for you and for your well-being.  Boundaries are important.

Quote

I have nothing in the house to remind me of her but some photos I have hidden away as I couldnt just burn them.

That's perfectly fine.  

8 hours ago, Mike871 said:

Yes I shouldnt care for her but its concerning to me that shes moving to the next relationship without having time to look back and heal. Perhaps thats what she considers love and normal for her.

What she chooses to do with her life now is her concern now.  Her problem.  And what you choose to do with yours, is yours.   Coming back from a devastating breakup requires all the attention and love you can muster for yourself.  Don't waste it on a person who left you willingly.  There are other people in your life that care about you and need you to be your best self as well.   

Quote

I had some thoughts. Perhaps with all the knock backs and the 'Party boy' type men of the past. She needed me at the time someone safer and committed to heal her and use me as an emotional crutch. She was a very different person at the start of our relationship, now shes had the healing time with me and probably showing her true personality again. I dont know.

It just goes to show you she didn't know who she was or what she wanted quite yet and she was figuring it out with you.  What you miss is who you thought she was and what you hoped your relationship would have been (Because it would have been perfect for you), but in her own private moments, it wasn't perfect or her.  She felt differently and wanted differently for herself and in the end, she came to terms with that and made a choice that reflected what she felt was best for her.  Again, don't blame yourself for it.  As I said, the choices people make in their life, have to do more with them, than you.  You could have been boyfriend of the year and it still wouldn't have made a difference here, because of the several other factors that come into play that affect her decisions.

- Beach

Edited July 12, 2020 by Beachead

[schlumpy]

Consider moving some furniture around and new pictures on the wall. Anything that breaks up the old picture of the house when you were together. Buy a nice off-color rug that you know she would hate and plop it down in the middle of the living room.

[Not So Sad Now]

She's just too young.  She wants to have fun and date different people and not be stuck with you.  You sound like a lovely guy but at her age, a 6 year age gap is quite a big difference.  Most of my friends that age wouldn't have considered dating a man in his thirties unless he moved in the same social circles as them already.  I appreciate people differ, but thats a pretty common attitude amongst graduates I would say.  I think you might be better moving on and not commenting on or criticising her choices of what to do with her life, and maybe focus on meeting women nearer your own age.

[scooby-philly]

@Mike871 - I am so sorry for your pain and your heartbreak. I'm 10.5, almost 11 months out of a somewhat similar situation. Older guy dating a younger woman, though the age gap was more than in your relationship. 

First - breakups like this are terrible. But having it happen right before a global pandemic that shuts everything down only compounds the problems because, depending on your work/life situation, you're alone a lot more than you might typically be. The "casual" conversations you can strike up at work or the nights/weekends spent with friends/family where you weren't alone with your thoughts are now tougher/harder to come buy. 

And - 100% respect for what my friend @Beachead shares. Always on point and he's helped me tremendously during my struggles and journey.

Moving in at 3 months was probably too quick. 6 months is really the "starting point" for that - unless you happened to know her well before you started dating her. While she may have problems of her own, I would use this time to go into the "darkness" (or depression, grief, sadness, whatever you want to call it) and see what it shows you. Maybe you were too quick to seek validation and/or ignore the red flags because you have a partial "hole in your soul". I don't mean that as an insult. For a lot of good men, we struggle with self-worth and get hurt by toxic, immature, or just emotionally unstable/unhealthy people because we don't know how to put ourselves - our wants, our dreams, our hopes, our life, first! And that doesn't mean being selfish. But it does mean standing up for yourself when things are bothering you and/or your gut tells you there's something wrong.

Buying a house should only come AFTER marriage. Sorry. There's too many complicating factors - legal, financial, etc. Don't do that again in the future. Not saying you can't own one and someone moves in. But shared fiscal and legal liability only comes after making sure they're the right person for the long haul and after there's legal notice of your "partnership".

Now - sometimes people lie after a breakup about moving on and dating - but it sounds like this was true. And the fact that after she lost that relationship in may, it shows, as others have pointed out - that she's probably suffering from no self-identity and/or low self-worth / self-esteem. Especially after leaving a 2 year relationship (And especially if she was cheating on you - even if just emotionally - before you guys split) - if the next, sudden relationship doesn't work out, healthy people wouldn't jump into another one in less than 2 months. And the shift from "stable guy" (you) to "party/frat boy" at 26/28 - is telling. A lot of people (men and women) date a bunch of different people in their teens and early to mid 20's. But if she's still swinging from one extreme to the other - that means she's probably not able to go deep inside of herself and accept and love who she is and what/who she wants. She's using others to try and fix herself - and that never ever works. 110% failure rate. 

I've never had to suffer from seeing someone on a regular (even worse, daily) basis after a split. Yes - you stick to the No Contact Rule on your end. And when it gets to be too much - do what you need to do to love yourself and protect yourself. If SHE breaks NC ignore it. Do not share personal details with her, do not ask or share anything that isn't 100% work related. 

5 months isn't necessarily a long time - depending on how much you loved her and the nature of the split (which sounds from what you describe) as you got blindsided (though the signs were there probably) and got your heartbroken in the process. As I said, I'm almost 11 months out and I still find myself 3-4 times a week spending a few minutes or an hour feeling down, depressed, sad, my "inner child" as they say in psych help holding onto this image of my ex in his mind. And that's where the depression and sadness comes from. As Beachead said - at this point you will start missing "her" less and less and any sadness, grief, depression, etc. will start to primarily be about losing "her" - the image you have built up in your head. The "feelings" that you miss - like a best friend to talk to at night, someone to plan things with, someone to share secrets with. I know at this point while I "want to" be beyond where I am emotionally, I know I've been using the time to really dive deep into myself again, dig s*** up, let the dirty laundry out into the sun, and taking care of myself and making myself - financially, emotionally, spiritually, activity-wise, etc. the top priority in my life for once. And I know I do not find myself "wondering" what she's up to or missing specific things or dreaming of getting back together. I just need to continue to let my "little dude" as I call him heal and use positive self talk to remind him that it wasn't "our fault". As Beachead said - when it comes to relationships (would also apply to friendships, family relationships, etc. - but we're talking love/dating here) so much is NOT under your control or influence. If you were the best person, the best bf you could be at the time - with your own personality, your own weakness, strengths, history, etc - than it wasn't meant to be. If she just woke up one day and decided "meh, not for me" after 2 years and after living together (again - probably too quick on that trigger my friend) for 1.5+ years - that's her choice and her loss. You don't need to psycho analyze her and figure "why". It's okay to daydream on that for a second, but at the end of the day - you should only focus on yourself and on her in the context of the red flags you missed and what you did/didn't get from her and what you want/need in a relationship. That will help you moving forward. And another point I always remind people, especially the good mean with broke hearts that come here - love is infatuation/lust that turns into something more but then only STAYS love with both parties working on the relationship. Whatever was eating her, whatever problems, experienced, weaknesses, fears, shortcomings her life had produced in her up to the point she met you through when she left - if she didn't open up enough to share those hurts, to share that pain, to really open up and work on things together as a team - then she wasn't ready for a real, adult (mature) relationship. Because you don't build a strong root system (or foundation) in a relationship with one or both parties being guarded. And if she didn't give you a chance to help (though remember, it's never your job to "save" or "fix" a  partner at any stage in a relationship/marriage) then she didn't love you enough and/or her problems were more than she could handle. THat's not a reflection on you at all. That's 100% about her and her own issues. On top of that, if she's still figuring herself out or is stuck in a repetitive cycle of dating mostly "fixer-uppers" lol, whatever drew her to you for the time you were together wasn't strong enough to overcome her grown tendencies. I know with my last ex - I was a bit older than you and she a bit younger than your ex when we first met. And because she grew up in a strict (not religiously) family and wasn't allowed to live her own life, have friends, have a social life, and her parents (especially her mother) were toxic, shame-based, etc. - in the end, nothing I could have done or said or changed would have produced a different outcome because the problem was not with me (though I am to blame for staying WAY PAST the expiration date) but with her. So keep that in mind when you're feeling down. 

And your heart will eventually heal! As I said - 5 months, if you were totally the best person you could be and totally loved her in a mature, healthy way - its not that long of a time. And who knows why she's asking you these questions all of a sudden. In the end, it doesn't matter. You don't owe her a F'ing thing and she can stay in the dark. And yeah - your heart stays "open" and wanting reconcilitation because you're not focused on what's wrong with HER and you're probably 98% blaming yourself - as if she wasn't the dumper and also isn't the immature, insecure, walking bag of dog poo.  Remember - another point by Beachead - however she viewed you at the start wasn't really aligned with who she is OR she's that uncomfortable (or just trained too well by bad experience) with herself to accept what she SHOULD be with (or who). SHe's just another human being with faults, problems, issues, etc. And yeah - you could definitely benefit from sitting down and thinking about all the times she was a problem in the relationship and all of her faults. Not to "bash her" but to remind yourself you did the best you could and free yourself of the "blame".

And these 3 short paragraphs from Beachead are perfect and spot on:

For you to be ready to date someone new, you've got to learn how to enjoy life and find your smile again, on your own.  That's when you know you're good on your own and you won't use a new relationship for the wrong reasons (Such as to escape pain or to compete with your ex over who can move on the fastest).  The last thing you want to is complicate your life further, by introducing new feelings and the responsibility of caring for them, into all this.  You've already got your own to deal with for the moment. 

There is no shame in hurting.  This woman meant something to you and it hurts to lose her.  That is perfectly normal and perfectly okay.  But when a person ends with you, they already have a head-start on getting over you as ideas to breakup don't happen overnight.  They begin weeks or months in advance.  Maybe even a year in advance.  They weigh out the pros and cons of staying or leaving and by the time a person ends it, they know for sure what they want.  Meanwhile, you're hit with this sudden bomb, and you have no idea how to deal with it.  It's a gigantic shock and while you haven't even begun to process the breakup nor will you atleast until a few months have passed by.. your ex has already healed a good 80-90%.

Don't compete.  You won't win and you'll be doing a disservice to yourself as you'll still be living your life to prove something to her, tying you to her (Your past) and stopping you from looking and embracing all the opportunities that'll come your way along the horizon (Your future).

I think you're in the UK. Here in the USA we have college fraternities and sororities. We used to call guys who never stopped being selfish, immature, status-driven, womanizing guys "frat boys". Well - it sounds like your ex is the stereotpyical "sorority girl"  that never grew up. She's insecure and not able to be on on her own for any real length of time. That means she's afraid of what the darkness will bring. And yeah - my ex was back to the dating site where we we met 5 days after dumping me (because she had the head-start on the emotional front) and her profile was all bikini shots and selfish, immature text that made her sound great - when in fact she had no nobbies, no friends irl, etc. I was the "emotional crutch" she needed at times - but in the end - as beachie said - I could have been bf of the year for 2 years and it wouldn't have mattered because she wasn't even able to acknowledge her problems let alone be mature and ready enough to face them. So she chose to go back to the superficial and to renew the "good girl persona" she uses to make people like her.

So for you - at 5 months - keep on doing what you're doing. But you can definitely try some new stuff - writing every day (see some of my posts for ideas), talking, walking, exercising, meditation, yoga, a new hobby. But also - practice self-love. In the USA (assuming it's the same in the UK) - we don't allow men emotions. So after a good man gets his heart broken we feel like we're somehow deficient or "behind" when we're really just giving ourselves the love that we want/need and that the right person will give us one day.

 

Hang in there and DM me if you want someone to talk to

[Mike871]

Thank you I really appreciate reading all your thoughts and thank you for the amount of time and effort your putting into these replies

To add a little bit more detail.

We lived together part time for the first year. I didn’t have a house but she had a small flat and I would go over and stay a few nights a week and the weekend. I would consider it part time living arrangement. I bought my own house I thought this was the right gesture at the time to show a level of real commitment something she told me her previous relationships lacked and asked her to move in after about a year. I wanted to prove that we could live together first for a year and to see how it went before asking her the question.

I do agree she is very insecure and may not know what she wants and leans on men for validation and to make her feel happy. I don’t know.

I know that I gave everything to our relationship perhaps I was too available and perhaps this came across as emotionally weak and needy. I would always put her first and I loved her unconditionally.

She really didn’t ever give me any real closure. I do question if she ever loved me. The girl I fell in love with would have opened up and told me things if she wasn’t happy but I know that a relationship requires love and two people that are willing to work on any issues. I got the generic breakup excuses ‘we are very different people’ and ‘we want different things out of life’

I do not blame myself anymore and as I said I accept what’s happened now. I see that the last level of acceptance for me is that I should listen to my head and not my heart to believe there is zero chance of any reconciliation. I shouldn’t want that anyway.

It does prove difficult to work with her. it probably is prolonging the healing time. “sorority girl” as you describe is probably accurate. She wants to be centre of attention. She has the new flash sports car to show off her status. She is highly attractive so doesn’t find it difficult to pick up new guys. She wants a man to be centre of attention to show him off to all her family and peers. She wants someone to put up high on a pedestal until that person gets boring then she moves on. She tried the stable life with me for 2 years and she found that she was getting attention from someone else so chose that person over me. Towards the end of the relationship there were other red flags that I ignored. Spending time with me seemed to be a burden to her, boring she wanted someone new and more exciting.  I’ve accepted all of this. Not just the rejection from her but her entire family whom I also considered my own family that I loved and respected.

[scooby-philly]

@Mike871

Well - "part-time" is okay after 3 months. I mean, in reality, that's what adults do isn't it - we meet someone, and if at least one of the pair has a flat or home we spend time at each other's place, usually one person spending more time at one person's place than the other. I think part of the issue would be buying a home to "show her a level of real commitment". Until you're "married" there's no reason to do something like FOR THE other person. Now if you were going to do it anyway, that's another story. But commitment isn't just buying a home. It isn't a single gesture. It's about how one orientates one's lives and the sum of ALL OF the decision a person makes vis-a-vis their partner and relationship. Now the "living together" for a year before popping the "question" is a smart move. So many couples fail when the reality of day-to-day life hits them and one or both ask themselves "is this what I'm waking up to every morning for the rest of my life?", lol.

That's a sign for you to watch out for in the future - and trust me, the odds aren't necessarily great that now that you're a few years older, if you meet someone 28, 30, 32 - that they'll be guaranteed to have done the "work" and be happy and content with themselves. Look for a person who's happy and balanced (but also not the opposite end of the spectrum where they really don't know how to be a real "partner", but only want someone who will plug into the empty slots in their schedule). And that's another great insight and lesson learned (though the hard way) - a lot of good men end up being too unselfish. We minimize or downplay our needs, our wants, bend our lives to our partner's without recognizing that if WE didn't make things so easy, they might have left a lot sooner. I know that's a lesson I learned with my past relationship. As soon as she THOUGHT her life was going to get busy and complicated - poof - out the back door she went. And as for coming off needy and emotionally weak - that's one more lesson and one more thing to watch out for in the future. Everyone gets needy and emotional at times. I couldn't imagine being a woman and dating an emotionally unavailable, stoic, bottled-up guy. Cause the emotions always, in the end, GET OUT. It's just a question of when, how, and why. And the more people bottle it up - the less control (and usually the messier) people have over it when it does happen. Watch for the kind of guy her father is. If you're like me - a warm, affectionate, emotionally available guy you need to find a woman who's father was like that or who's track record proves that that's what she really WANTS. For most people tend to steer towards only what they knew growing up. So a woman with a cold, unavailable, emotionless man will, by default, either find a similar type of guy or only by sheer happenstance will they settle and be happy with the complete opposite. 

No - you will have to give yourself closure and allow time to heal you. Remember, we meet people at specific points in their lives. And they are the sum of all of the experiences, setbacks, tragedies, hurts, pains, sorrows, joys, grief, happiness, moment, memories, etc. they have had up to that point. She probably did love you in the beginning. Remember love starts as infatuation, attraction, desire. It only LASTS though, with commitment and choice. Whatever her reasoning, which you won't ever know unfortunately (or understand), her ability to commit, her ability to share, her ability to be emotionally vulnerable and work WITH YOU to get what she needs was, in the end, not strong enough to make it last. And that my friend is 100% on her. As we said yesterday, you could have won the boyfriend of the year title for two years straight and it would not have changed a thing in the end. Now that's not to say she isn't entitled to her own feelings and choices. But to just leave after two years and a year living together without a real compelling reason (no infidelity, no chronic addiction on your part, no family drama from yours or hers, etc., etc., etc.,) shows that she probably had "doubts" or whatever for a long while and she couldn't get in touch with, admit, and then address her insecurities, concerns, and fears. 

Glad to hear you don't blame yourself anymore. Just be careful - you can find yourself a week, a month, three months from now slipping back for a minute, an hour, a day into the "blame myself" mentality. Just build your defenses and build some habits that you can use to help fight that if it ever comes back. And remember, do not see each "relapse", or moment of sadness, or day of depression as a "setback". It's not. Real healing is like the wildest, craziest, most unpredictable roller coaster ride you've ever seen. You think you're done and then boom - 3 more turns, 2 more huge drops, a loop, and a few twists and turns will show up unexpectedly. Give yourself time, patience, and self-love. 

Yes - a lot of women - if they didn't get attention at home growing up, along with support, love, and validation - will spent years, if not a lifetime searching for it. And no matter how much attention you gave her - she's the only person who can fill that "hole in her soul" and decide who she is, what she wants, what she needs, and who she wants to be with. And yeah - that's how a lot of relationships go for younger women, though usually most grow out of it by the end of college or their mid to late 20's (though a lot, surprisingly, never do) - they want to show someone off (and that's a good thing) but when the novelty wears off, when they don't really understand or appreciate the guy their with (unfortunately it's usually the good men) - they bolt when something "new" comes along or when the desire for that initial bliss of the first few months becomes greater. And that usually happens because they're emotionally clogged at that point. And I've been the "trophy" boyfriend before and know that it doesn't end well. Not that I'm rich or very attractive. But I am "stable" and that appeals to a lot of needy, unstable, immature women for a short period of time. So both of us need to steer clear of those types like the plague and to always remember our self-worth. 

Now I can't give you any tips for how to deal with the fact that you work with her. As I said yesterday I've never had that experience or "issue" before. But the reality is that there are a lot of great people on here who can guide you and direct you and who can give you very specific advice for very specific circumstances that may arise as you continue the healing process. Just keep it professional with her, don't let her into your life or emotions, and when needed, give yourself some love and care while working to make sure you don't impact your job and career because she's a hot mess.

Hang in there!

[Mike871]

Thanks for the advice again I really value any feedback.

I had a little relapse today. Unfortunately I see her everyday on webcalls. I know she does not care and has moved on. Today I witnessed another person in her place. I cant believe that I would still care after 5 months. Seeing your ex everyday does set back the healing. In a normal breakup you wouldnt have to see them on a daily basis and see how 'well' they are doing without you. Its all pure speculation of course. Unfortunately you see a small glimpse into thier personal lifes and all sorts of emotions and the worse case scenario builds in your mind. I would like to know if others have had this experience of seeing them regular and how to cope and calm your mind?

I went out for a long walk after work today and I felt so much better. I told myself that it isnt a competition and I do have a lot to offer someone when Im ready in the future. Im not too sure how I will handle going back into the office and again if anyone has that experience to share that would be great.

For anyone in a similar situation its a great idea to keep a diary. I have been keeping one since this happened to me. I can see clear progress. I have also written a closure letter for my ex but she will never get this letter. It was more for my own benefit to accept and try and close the chapter completely. Limited contact in my situation is the best policy.

I really hope to one day go to sleep still caring about all of this and wake up one day and completely forget nor care and move on like she has but perhaps it shows how me and her are very different and thats a good thing. I have really good weeks and then some bad days but as someone else above said I may decide if I cant heal properly to look for other employment. I would hate to do this but It might be good for me. Obviously Im reacting too quickly as I cant do much as were still in lockdown. I just need more time to heal fully.

[rjc149]

On 7/14/2020 at 5:15 AM, Mike871 said:

I got the generic breakup excuses ‘we are very different people’ and ‘we want different things out of life’

I wouldn't dismiss these reasons as excuses. At 26 to your 32, this has some meat to it. 

My take, is that buying the house was a gesture that likely scared her off. I'm also guessing this was the grand crescendo of your overall behavior in the relationship -- that being, holding her on a pedestal and needing her to feel secure and confident in yourself. Now, you wanted to prove your undying love with a fairly permanent and life-changing financial expenditure which was really intended to lock her down for yourself, not offer her the commitment she said she wanted. 

She said she was hungry, and you bought her the entire restaurant. Thing is, she didn't ask for a restaurant. Too much. 

When you are more eager for commitment than a woman is, this tends to put her off. It makes her feel like you're trying to trap her because she's the best you can do,, and it communicates that you need her. Needy and insecure. It's not an attractive combo. 

Dating someone the opposite of you -- classic rebound. She wanted to experience the things she felt were missing in your relationship -- someone fun, a little unpredictable, a little hard to pin down. Exciting. You were too predictable, too easy to pin down. I mean, you're buying a damn house for her. She had you in her pocket. Women, especially young women, get bored of that pretty quickly.

Limited contact is difficult, but it starts with only interacting with her for professional or utilitarian matters, and simply cut the dialogue or ignore her if she steers things into personal topics. 

5 months isn't that long a time to heal from a 2-year relationship. Don't put any time restrictions ie. "I need to be over her by this date or else something is wrong with me." That's not how it works. It will take time, and you will need to date other women in order to get to 100% over it. Seeing the ex at work certainly doesn't help. And you have no idea how she's doing. If she's burning through rebound boyfriends like it's going out of style, chances are, she's hurting from this too. 

As others have noted, this is why you do not date co-workers. Not just for professional reasons, but because you don't sh-t where you eat. Now, you've got a giant, gooey lump of sh-t on your dinner plate. And yes, unless you find new employment, there's your fork. Bon appetite.