Am I wrong to feel like this?

[peachpie]

I'm a female and hit it off with another female as friends. Both married, same age, both have kids. We talked/texted for hours. We were friends about 10 years, and I did A LOT of favors for her, but I didn't mind because I was in a position to help her and her kids. I grew to love the kids and they loved me. She was very busy taking her kids to all of their sporting events, so our friendship was mostly texting and phone calls, and her always promising we'd go out to eat because she owed me a huge thank you for all I've done. . .  She always said, "I don't know what I'd do without you. Someday I'll have you over for a cup of coffee and we can talk in person." It never happened.

Meanwhile a random stranger soccer mom invited my friend's son's whole team to their cottage for the day. The whole team went along with their families. My friend thanked them by hosting that family of 5 to a sit down meal in her home with her family. They were strangers. I was so hurt because I would have LOVED that. She promised me coffee in her home but never followed through. This woman was a STRANGER to them! A fruit basket would have been appropriate. I bent over backwards for her and her kids. I felt used.

The past 2 years the friendship fizzled. The kids grew up and we all went our separate ways. Out of the blue, she invited my family to her family 4th of July cookout. I made up an excuse not to go. I was actually annoyed, but she didn't know, because I feel like she sees she's losing me, and she's trying to reel me back in.

I also resolved it in my head that she was never going to follow through on her promises. . .but now she did. I'm annoyed. I would have loved this invite YEARS ago. I'm miffed she included me. Did you ever feel like this?

[ShyViolet]

You were upset that she hadn't made time to spend with you in person or invited you over.  Then she finally did invite you over, and you said no.  Because you're mad that she didn't invite you over.

If you wanted to spend time with her and rekindle the friendship then you should have went to the 4th of July gathering instead of playing mind games and making up an excuse not to go, even though you DO care about this friendship.  That is just genuinely confusing.  Don't expect her to read your mind and know what you want.  

Maybe try actually talking to her about all this?

[peachpie]

I guess you have to be in my shoes. She had time for everyone else but me, even strangers! My hunch is she needs me for something else and is finally, after 2 years of silence, wanting to catch up. I feel like she’s the good guy - she’s having me over - 10 years after she promised. She’s not the good guy. I feel like she used me and her kids are now preparing for college - is she looking for money?

i don’t want to be hurt by her again. 

[Mystery4u]

Your post is really confusing. You met how - online? Or in real life?

So you spent 10 years communicating and during this time you did all these things for her kids.... without ever meeting her? Makes no sense, why would you never meet up but you still carried on doing these 'favours'?

And now after some time passing of no communication she invites you to a get together, and for some reason you decline? Because you think she might want something? Instead of going, which is what you really wanted. You could have also talked to her face to face about everything and cleared the air. But you didn't and got annoyed instead. Are you 13 or something?

[peachpie]

I saw her all of the time. Her mother was my nextdoor neighbor for 10 years, so we clicked when she visited her mother. We chatted all of the time in person, text, and phone. When the mom would babysit her kids, her kids loved chilling in my yard with my kids.

I tutored her kids for free. I helped her get a job. 

Her famous last line is "I'll have you over for coffee some day."

The past 2 years, the communication was mostly via text around holidays. I didn't see her or her kids any longer as the mom moved.

I DID go with her to the county July 3 fireworks, then she offered a BBQ at her house the next day. I said I couldn't but appreciated the gesture.

If the friendship is to continue, I'd want it a 2 way street. I think she was shocked I said no, but I felt disrespected by her over the years.

You don't have to respond. I feel justified after writing this all out. 

Thanks!!!

 

 

Edited July 11, 2020 by matildag

[d0nnivain]

I get where you are coming from.  You were there all the time & got very little.  Then this stranger gets a whole dinner while you get a last minute BBQ invite.  You felt like an after thought & it was too little too late.  

Keep doing what you have been doing -- being pleasant but not really initiating.  See if she asks a 2nd time for something fun.  This time go.  Give her an actual chance to repair the relationship 

[FMW]

Your feelings are understandable.  Unfortunately relationships aren't always balanced.  Maybe there was something about the new soccer mom that your friend thought might be useful in some other way, a networking kind of thing.  Of course that doesn't excuse her lack of reciprocity with you.  

 

[peachpie]

THANK YOU, d0nnivain!

1. She and I had a mutual friend. This mutual friend was always invited to her family's parties. They grew up together, so I understood, but I kept thinking "When will you include me? You keep promising me. We're all friends. . ."

I KNOW she was a working busy mom, as am I, but come on. . . She had time to wine and dine others, she kept saying she'd have me over, but she never did. 

2. I heard on July 3rd that she and the mutual friend weren't speaking, so now it is ME you want at your party?

THANK YOU, FMW.

That's what I thought. This soccer mom  had sports connections, so I figured the reciprocation with her was to get into that click.

I felt like I was ALWAYS there for her. I'd drop everything to have her vent to me, I loaned her money, I did a LOT for the kids. . . I was the one she counted on, and when all this time passed with NO reciprocation, and NOW the reciprocation offer was extended to me after she lost her best friend. . . I feel like WHY NOW?

At the July 3rd fireworks, even her husband said, "Oh, we'd love to have you guys. We're so disappointed you can't come. . ." I felt guilty saying no, but then I kept thinking how I bailed them out, how I bent over backwards helping them with the kids, and how they promised me a cup of coffee, and it never happened, but NOW out of the blue they appreciate me. . . and want to rekindle their connection with me? Coincidentally college is starting and the mutual friend is out of the picture?

I did love my friendship with her and I was thrilled she reached out for July 3rd fireworks, but the cookout invite was like a knife in the heart. . .

I didn't want to go, and I'm glad I said no, because I feel it was too little too late. I want them to reflect on how they treated me.

Edited July 11, 2020 by matildag

[peachpie]

The invite was like a knife in the heart, because I spent 10 years wanting to be included, and it was so easy for her to say, "Come to our cookout" ~ why couldn't she say that years ago. Over the years, I started to feel used and excluded. I don't want to be hurt again by them.

I heard about the scarcity factor ~ maybe they realized they lost a good thing.

I will proceed with caution with them. I will attend if they ask again.

 

Edited July 11, 2020 by matildag