Meeting as 'friends' after dating?

[babybrowns]

I was dating a guy for a couple of months towards the start of the year. Long-distance (2-hour drive away) and his job is very demanding, so we only met in person twice.

However we would text all the time.
He seemed very keen, was talking about the future with me, wanting to plan a summer getaway together, and even hinting at his long-term goal of getting married. 

But when the country went into lockdown, he suddenly disappeared and ghosted me. After waiting 3 weeks, I got back in touch with him. Since then, texting has been sporadic, and there has been a significant and clear drop in his interest levels. We never talked about what happened and why he wanted to stop dating but we have said that we are now “friends”.

We are meeting up next week, somewhere between his town and mine. It will be our first meet-up in 5 months; the last time we saw each other was when we were dating. I initiated the meet-up but he seems keen to see me and he suggested having a meal together.

I am feeling a little uneasy about doing this since I am not too sure of what to expect. It is obvious that his feelings have all gone, I’m preparing myself to face that so that’s not the issue.

I am just wondering whether there is any point in doing this, could his agenda be literally just to be friends? Or whether it could potentially turn around from friendship back into dating? I’m also not sure how to act and what to wear- I like him so it is tempting to make an effort. But I am worried that if I ‘doll up’ too much he might think I want him back so it might push him away..? 

Would really appreciate advice, thanks

[rjc149]

2 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It is obvious that his feelings have all gone, I’m preparing myself to face that so that’s not the issue.

Is it? 

It seems highly unlikely that he's meeting up with you just to explore a platonic friendship. 

[central]

You won't know until you meet.  However, friends are wonderful to have, so even if that's the extent of it (or even if you never connect again after this outing), it's all good.  Perhaps a tenth of the women I dated became great life-long friends.  Anyway, look nice but but don't go overboard - casual is best until you both figure out what this could be.

[d0nnivain]

I agree you won't know until you meet but I doubt he wants a friendship.  You are two hours away & he couldn't be bothered to keep up with the texting.  He may be a nice person who doesn't hate you.  He may want somebody to eat with.  He may be hoping he can talk you into a FWB thing. 

I would go into this meal very pessimistically 

[introverted1]

Since you initiated the meet-up, he could be thinking 1) that you are still interested, 2) that you are up for NSA sex, or 3) that you are friends.

I'm not clear why you would initiate anything with this guy considering  he didn't have the interest to follow through the first time and you don't really know each other well enough to have a friendship to maintain.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Most guys who have lost interest, have lost it because they have had their interest captured... Most men who have their interest so easily captured are probably not somebody you want to be in a long distance anything with, whether you want to call it Friendship or anything else.

I have found lots of women have an affinity for not dating a guy in their own town, its like exciting for them or something; personally I view LDR as a waste of time.

[babybrowns]

Thank you all for your insights and advice. 

We met up yesterday. The town I had chosen was a lot closer to him than to me, I wanted to make it convenient for him. I'd not been to this town before but he himself used to live there as a student, he told me this when I suggested that town. It was our first time seeing each other in 5 months; the last time was when we were dating.

We went for lunch and then a walk in the park. He had dressed up nicely, was polite and chivalrous but he wanted to keep me at arm's length the entire time. This was one of many signs that he had no romantic intentions. 

Still, we spent a good few hours together, it was fun and the conversation flowed nicely. No reference to the fact that we used to date each other or anything of the sort. I did however have my feelings rekindled upon seeing him, but of course I kept this to myself.

When I got home, I sent him a text where I thanked him for a lovely day, thanked him for coming all the way to that town and said it was great seeing him. His reply however was quite a short "no worries  ".

Needless to say that this hurt me, even from a friend I wouldn't expect such a short response to a thank you message with no returning acknowledgement from his side. Especially when I had done most of the travelling to get there.

I don't feel that there can be a friendship when one person cares too much and the other too little. I am thus thinking of finally confessing my feelings to this man and coupling that with a "goodbye" message. It will be hard to do this but it's got to the stage where it's necessary.

 

 

[introverted1]

12 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I am thus thinking of finally confessing my feelings to this man and coupling that with a "goodbye" message. It will be hard to do this but it's got to the stage where it's necessary.

Why is this necessary?

It seems to me that he has made his position blindingly clear.  You confessing your feelings is just going to make you feel worse when he rejects you again.

You already said goodbye once, then made the ill-fated decision to meet up again.  There is no need for a second goodbye.  Just move on. 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

 When I got home, I sent him a text where I thanked him for a lovely day, thanked him for coming all the way to that town and said it was great seeing him. His reply however was quite a short "no worries  ".

Needless to say that this hurt me, even from a friend I wouldn't expect such a short response to a thank you message with no returning acknowledgement from his side. Especially when I had done most of the travelling to get there.

I don't feel that there can be a friendship when one person cares too much and the other too little. I am thus thinking of finally confessing my feelings to this man and coupling that with a "goodbye" message. It will be hard to do this but it's got to the stage where it's necessary.

He already knows how you feel about him. That's why he's keeping you at arm's length and making his responses as platonic as possible. So you don't have to confess your feelings to him. You believe it will give you closure, but it won't. It will just make you angrier with him when he writes a cold response or doesn't respond at all. And then later, when you're over him, you'll feel humiliated that you declared your love to somebody who didn't feel the same.

Write a letter to him if you must. But don't send it. That will give you an outlet for your feelings without subjecting you to what you would ultimately come to view as a humiliating experience.

[babybrowns]

Thank you for your replies. I fully accept that his feelings have gone. But what I don't have is the closure. We never spoke about what happened, how it got from 200% to 3%. Before quarantine, he was full-on with showing his interest for 2 months straight. After quarantine, it is like he has forgotten everything. And I know for a fact that he is still single.

I just don't get why a man who has zero interest in a woman would still drive one hour to spend time with her? It was also his only day off work in a long time, he works weekends as well. So why not spend the precious day with someone else? 

At present, I don't intend to keep myself in this man's sphere. It was clear that I was the only one who came back from this meetup with rekindled feelings. But I am wondering if there is any benefit to keeping him around, whether feelings have the potential to come back after fizzling out?

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

But what I don't have is the closure. We never spoke about what happened, how it got from 200% to 3%.

* * * 

 But I am wondering if there is any benefit to keeping him around, whether feelings have the potential to come back after fizzling out?

You get closure from yourself not the other person.  If he had the communication skills to give you answers, you probably wouldn't have broken up in the 1st place.  

The feelings have no potential to return.  

[Acacia98]

There's no benefit to you to keeping him around. His presence will interfere with your ability to recover and move on.

Even if it was possible for him to develop feelings for you again, I think it's safe to say that a good predictor of someone's future behavior is his previous behavior. He's gone from 200% to 3% before; he can do it again. He wasn't emotionally intelligent/compassionate enough to end things with you in a way that would enable you to understand what went wrong (so that you could move on). He'd treat you similarly in the future.

I can definitely give you a bit of useful information about this guy and any guys you meet in the future who behave similarly. Look, guys who go from 0 to 200% within a short time of starting to talk to you or meeting you should not be taken seriously. You don't know each other yet at that point. You cannot realistically tell if you're right for each other. So any talk about a future together or married life is bound to fizzle out quickly. Any strong feelings he claims to have are sure to be shallow. Once the initial euphoria is over, the guy will suddenly be cold towards you, almost like you're a complete stranger. 

Why he still took the time to come see you? Well, I'm guessing he doesn't hate you. If you treat him well, it makes him feel good about himself. Some guys will keep women in their lives who boost their egos, who make them feel good about themselves. But they don't necessarily feel passionate about them. It's similar to the way some women will friendzone guys who love them but then keep them around for those occasions when they need someone to comfort them.

Alternatively, maybe he's feeling guilty about disappointing/hurting you and figured that the least he could do was go along with your wish to be friends. Maybe it's his way of trying to apologize for getting your hopes up then tossing you aside. So it may be a kind gesture on his part, but it's misguided because it will lead to your being hurt again.

Edited July 22, 2020 by Acacia98
Correcting a typo

[stillafool]

On 7/18/2020 at 3:22 PM, babybrowns said:

I don't feel that there can be a friendship when one person cares too much and the other too little. I am thus thinking of finally confessing my feelings to this man and coupling that with a "goodbye" message. It will be hard to do this but it's got to the stage where it's necessary.

You are correct you can't be his friend because you still want him and he doesn't feel the same way.  Why would you reach out to see a guy who ghosted you?  I hope you got the message this time and leave him alone.

[alphamale]

the only reason you should be friends with your ex is if you have children together

[babybrowns]

4 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

There's no benefit to you to keeping him around. His presence will interfere with your ability to recover and move on.

Even if it was possible for him to develop feelings for you again, I think it's safe to say that a good predictor of someone's future behavior is his previous behavior. He's gone from 200% to 3% before; he can do it again. He wasn't emotionally intelligent/compassionate enough to end things with you in a way that would enable you to understand what went wrong (so that you could move on). He'd treat you similarly in the future.

I can definitely give you a bit of useful information about this guy and any guys you meet in the future who behave similarly. Look, guys who go from 0 to 200% within a short time of starting to talk to you or meeting you should not be taken seriously. You don't know each other yet at that point. You cannot realistically tell if you're right for each other. So any talk about a future together or married life is bound to fizzle out quickly. Any strong feelings he claims to have are sure to be shallow. Once the initial euphoria is over, the guy will suddenly be cold towards you, almost like you're a complete stranger. 

Why he still took the time to come see you? Well, I'm guessing he doesn't hate you. If you treat him well, it makes him feel good about himself. Some guys will keep women in their lives who boost their egos, who make them feel good about themselves. But they don't necessarily feel passionate about them. It's similar to the way some women will friendzone guys who love them but then keep them around for those occasions when they need someone to comfort them.

Alternatively, maybe he's feeling guilty about disappointing/hurting you and figured that the least he could do was go along with your wish to be friends. Maybe it's his way of trying to apologize for getting your hopes up then tossing you aside. So it may be a kind gesture on his part, but it's misguided because it will lead to your being hurt again.

Thank you to all, but your reply especially helped Acacia thank you.

Something else worth mentioning here is that, these last few months that we haven’t seen each other during the quarantine, there were times when I was ready to give up on the ‘friendship’ altogether since he wasn’t investing much into it at all.

However each time that I was ready to go away, he would come forward and proclaim how much my friendship meant to him, and how he would try harder to give to our friendship since it was important to him.

I didn’t really buy it when he kept trying to ‘buy me back’, but I was willing to stick it out till the face-to-face meet-up to see if it would help to re-set things. He was really excited about this meet-up, wanted to set the date for it from weeks back to keep it free in his diary, and in the weeks leading up to it the communication was good. It seemed to be a good day as far I was concerned, but clearly he didn’t come out of it with the same good feeling that I did.

It would help to have more clarity on what happened after investing 6 months into this and being left in the dark completely, I do hope he is co-operative with this.

Edited July 22, 2020 by babybrowns

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

However each time that I was ready to go away, he would come forward and proclaim how much my friendship meant to him, and how he would try harder to give to our friendship since it was important to him.

To him?  What about you?  He treated you terribly and now you are going along with whatever he wants again.  If someone doesn't treat you properly you do what is best for you not them.  If you cave to their desires you are showing them you are desperate for any attention from them.  That's what this looks like.

[BaileyB]

On 7/22/2020 at 4:07 AM, d0nnivain said:

You get closure from yourself not the other person.  If he had the communication skills to give you answers, you probably wouldn't have broken up in the 1st place.   

And he wouldn’t have agreed to meet again...

Babybrowns, you would be wise to spend your attention on men who seek the same thing you seek...

You can’t be “friends” with a man for whom you have feelings. That is a fundamental incompatibility and It will bring you a lot of anguish. 

[BaileyB]

23 hours ago, stillafool said:

To him?  What about you?  He treated you terribly and now you are going along with whatever he wants again. 

I agree. If you continue to hang on to a relationship that is clearly not meeting your needs, that’s your decision, not his... 

Edited July 23, 2020 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

I am being serious here.
You are WASTING your precious time, time you will never get back, hankering after guys who don't' want you as a gf.
Stop it.

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

I am being serious here.
You are WASTING your precious time, time you will never get back, hankering after guys who don't' want you as a gf.
Stop it.

Yes! These men will not change to be who/what you want them to be if you keep them around long enough...

The important thing is to pick a man who is a good man and wants the same thing you want from the very beginning. When they start to show you otherwise, move on... 

You simply can’t turn water into wine. 😂

[stillafool]

Bottom line is you need to cancel plans for next week and block this guy from contacting you since you can't resist him.  He is not going to make you his gf but keep you confused and hurt.  It's time for you to put your big girl panties on and let him go.

[elaine567]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Bottom line is you need to cancel plans for next week

She already went...

 

[stillafool]

OMG!?  OP why are you trying to make things convenient for him rather than yourself?

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She already went...

 

 

Edited July 23, 2020 by stillafool

[babybrowns]

Hello everyone,

Your insights are all very helpful and once again I thank you for them. I would like to provide an update;

Knowing that I just couldn’t continue seeing this man, I left him a message. I confessed to still liking him more than a friend and thus said a friendship can’t continue when only one person has these feelings, and wished him luck. I also thought I’d take the opportunity to once and for all, ask him why he disappeared on me that time in the middle of us dating when I thought all was going well. 

He responded that he really doesn’t want to lose me as a friend and that please could we keep that going. He also gave me the reasons for disappearing. He said that he felt I wasn’t keen enough at the start and that he was getting mixed feelings from me when he wanted to get things moving faster than I was willing to.

He is referring to when he was bringing up marriage and summer getaways and I kept saying “I’m enjoying it but let’s get to know each other a bit more first” (if interested please see the thread I posted on here a few months back, on what to do when a guy wants to move too fast).

In truth I really don’t feel I want to lose this guy from my life. Perhaps I’ll see him once or twice more to assess whether he truly has no chance of rekindling. But the last meet-up really wasn’t that fun for me, seeing his loss of care from the old days. Really not sure 😕

[Acacia98]

26 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

He responded that he really doesn’t want to lose me as a friend and that please could we keep that going. He also gave me the reasons for disappearing. He said that he felt I wasn’t keen enough at the start and that he was getting mixed feelings from me when he wanted to get things moving faster than I was willing to.

Gosh. This guy actually does not care about you, not even as a friend. His empathy for you is zero. You tell him it's too difficult for you to remain friends and he insists that you remain friends? So to hell with your feelings? His convenience comes before your emotional well-being? That is unkind, callous even. If he had any ounce of sympathy for you, he would have given you space with the possibility of reestablishing friendship later, when you felt comfortable. Someone who liked you wouldn't want to see you in pain, especially not if the pain was somehow connected to him.

I'm glad our previous advice was helpful, babybrowns. And I hope you can choose to put your well-being and happiness first and cut off links with this guy. If you're still having difficulty doing that, try thinking of emotional injury as physical injury. You got hurt, maybe you sprained your ankle. At this point, it doesn't matter whose fault it is. What matters is that you have an injury and you need to rest and put your leg up so that it can heal. This guy, your "friend," knows you sprained your ankle, but is insiting that you go hiking this afternoon. Really think about how that makes you feel.

Now ask yourself this: would you ignore your injury and go hiking with him or would you recognize that he was being ridiculous and decide to do what was best for you?