Pushed away the woman I love

[FrostyFiddler]

I am a 27 year old male and I am looking for some honest advice. From the beginning of 2018 to early 2019 I was dating a woman that I met at a New Years party through mutual friends. We ended up having some chemistry and I took her home with me. We had sex and she had to leave the next morning. Immediately she texted me and said that she was very into me and wanted to do this again sometime. From this blossomed a loving relationship. She was going to medical school in Pennsylvania and I was living in Cincinnati. She would often travel to Columbus to visit her parents and I would see her whenever I got the chance. She would come to Cincy as well to visit me and we were madly in love. I have never experienced something like this before. 
 

We would do everything together and I was so happy to be with her. We took a trip to Philadelphia, went to Germany, Iceland, and both our families met each other. This was the most serious I have ever been with a woman. As the 2019 year was getting closer she was having to choose a potential residency and her ideal place was Cleveland. I was on the fence about moving my entire life to a city where I know no one with someone I had only been dating for a year. Because of this she told me that we needed to breakup for now and I need to decide if I should go with her or not. 
 

I decided it was in my best interest to not go with her and focus on getting my career and life in order. At the time I was very poor, my health was taking a rough turn from stress induced acid reflux, and I just didn’t feel as though I should make that commitment. As time went on she moved to Cleveland and started her residency and I continued to live my own life. We still talked very frequently and I was still very much in love with her and she was reciprocating the same feelings. During this absence I was not seeing anyone and was only looking to get my life in order.

When New Year 2020 came around I went out with some friends and I connected with a single woman that I had met before. We ended up kissing at midnight and I felt something that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I decided to pursue it and start to go on a few dates with this woman. As this was happening I was still communicating with my ex and she told me that she was coming down to go to a wedding and wanted to stay with me. This was early February 2020. I ended up calling her to tell her that I was starting to see someone and I didn’t think it would be a good idea. She became sad and told me that we shouldn’t talk anymore. I started to panic and knew immediately that this was a poor decision. 
 

When I got off the phone I called the woman I was seeing to tell her that I only wanted to be with her, she became distant almost immediately, as if I was pushing a relationship. This also scared me and I texted my ex within a week telling her I had made a huge mistake. She told me that she understood and that the pandemic was making things very crazy. I felt some relief and kept living my life. As the weeks went on the woman I was seeing kept becoming more and more distant to the point where she didn’t want to be with me romantically anymore. I felt devastated because I sacrificed a chance to reconnect with my serious love for something that wasn’t real.

I called my ex to tell her that I was still crazy about her and she told me that she had started to see someone. I figured that it was because I had done the same thing and understood. This was around April of 2020. As the weeks went by I would text my ex to see how she was doing and she would tell me she was fine. Towards the end of the month she started to not respond at all. Freaking out I called my parents for advice. I told them that I pushed away the love of my life and I need to tell her these things. My mother told me if this is how you truly feel then you need to tell her.

I called my ex on May 2nd 2020 and told her everything that was on my mind. How I made a huge mistake not moving with her, how I am madly in love with her, and that I want to be with her. I was fueled on emotion and did not sound great. She came back with telling me that I do not know her at all, that she has been seeing someone since November, wanted to date other people when we were together, and even trashed the woman I was seeing before her. She doesn’t have social media to see what she looked like so my guess is that she found out about her through other people. She really came at me to draw blood and she succeeded. I’m not even sure if anything she said was true but she wanted to hurt me. 
 

She blocked my number, social media, everything after that call. My head was in a twister and I wanted so desperately to get more closure but I could not contact her. She even threatened the cops if I kept trying to call her. Since that day I have been more depressed than I ever have been in my life. I don’t eat, I sleep all the time, I hardly do my work at my job, nothing seems okay. I essentially got broken up with twice trying to do what I thought was right. I try to look up stuff about my ex but I can only see if she posts a new picture or not because she has a private Instagram profile. I seem to think that there is still hope for me to be able to be with her but I have no contact.

She is currently undergoing a residency during a pandemic and I know that she is insanely stressed so I get why she would not want to talk to me. I have started to take anti anxiety pills and anti depressants because of this. Every day seems to be a nightmare of self blame and what ifs. I am wondering if anyone can shed some light on my situation and what I should do moving forward.

Thank you

 

[Realitysux]

She wasn't the love of your life. It didn't work out for a reason. If she was the right person, you would be with her and she is with someone else. When she is with this other person, she isn't thinking about you. There also isn't one right person for everyone. If I can be honest and share my view, I would like to. 

I have a lot of trades experience and I learn a lot from the men at work. A lot of them are in relationships and they are also married but their relationships aren't perfect. They still find other people attractive when they aren't together. Women are more one track minded then men. Love is an illusion and only real to those in it. My advice is to stay single and continue to focus on yourself and making your life better then the fantasy of them. 

Edited July 12, 2020 by Realitysux

[FrostyFiddler]

Thank you for your insight. I am trying to tell myself that there are more fish in the sea but I still love this woman.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you didn't actually feel as strongly about her as you're now telling yourself you did. 

It seems that you were into her, but perhaps didn't' see a future with her - which made you hesitant to take the next step when you had the chance. You then rather sealed your fate when you started seeing someone else. If I were your ex, that would be my cue that you definitely did not feel the same way about me and that we were well and truly done. It's your prerogative to see whomever you want but I think if you were genuinely in love with your ex and wanted to make it work, you wouldn't have been thinking about other women so soon. 

In any event, she has now closed the door. She's gone silent not because of the pandemic but because she is now moving on and is with someone else.  And it's for the best; I suspect this wouldn't have lasted between you two anyway, because you don't seem to know your own heart and mind or what you really want. You attempted to dive-bomb into another relationship when you realized your ex wasn't happy with you. (My guess is this other woman sensed your desperation and backed away) This strongly suggests that you need to learn to be on your own and figure out exactly what you want your life to be. 

You will be okay again, but you first need to get yourself back to healthier emotional place. Your ex is an ex for a reason. Not the love of your life. 

[FrostyFiddler]

Thank you for this comment. I seem to be glorifying the relationship and did decide to move on when the chance was given to me. I seem to still care and want to move on so I need to put in the work to get past this.

[ShyViolet]

You need to accept that it's over.  She made that VERY clear.  Do not try to contact her again or try to look at her social media.  You need to just focus on getting yourself help for your anxiety and depression and get yourself to a better place.