Healing: Is it possible in this relationship

[healingliteratura]

My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years. The first 2 he was still living with his wife, which caused me a great deal of heartbreak, including a dangerous state of depression that lasted 3 months. I have diagnosed PTSD, so depression and other symptoms are something I struggle with regularly. My partner is also diagnosed with PTSD and experiences depression in long stretches at a time. One year ago he left his wife and moved out. It was a mutual decision on both of their parts. Since then he and I have gone to couples therapy to try and address the many issues that developed between us during the first two years that he was with his wife. For anyone reading who isn't familiar with post traumatic stress disorder, those with the diagnosis have triggers, which can be anything at all, like scents or sounds or someone's hair color or anything else at all. These triggers are called as such because they trigger traumatic memories that cause the person to experience the symptoms of PTSD, like anxiety, dissociation, depression, hypervigilance, etc. My PTSD comes from childhood abuse, a situation that I could not escape because I was a child dependent on adults in my life. For whatever reason, those first two years of our relationship were a perfect storm for my trauma to rear its ugly head. Again I felt like I was in a situation of pain and abandonment that I couldn't get out of. Now, the result is that his wife, who I know personally, has become a significant trigger for me. I have gone to therapy to address this trigger. I've gone so far as to find a therapist who practices EMDR to try and get rid of this trigger, because it is ruining my life. Her name, mere mention of her, whenever she calls him, or even my dreams, which usually include her, all trigger my PTSD symptoms and it happens every single day multiple times a day. Because of Covid I had to stop going to my EMDR sessions, which is frustrating because I made a little bit of progress, which was encouraging, but it's still a significant problem. Now fast forward to the present: No one but my therapists and our couple's therapist knows that we are together. We've talked about when to tell people, and have mostly come to the decision that we will continue to work on creating a strong foundation for our relationship and when we feel ready we will tell our friends and family. This last week he sat me down and told me that his wife has been messaging him, frustrated, asking him what it is that they're doing, why they haven't started the process of getting divorced yet. One of his strongest PTSD symptoms is the freeze response. When he's met with a great deal of stress or confrontation, he will usually freeze and it will take him several hours to several days to process the stress and respond to the issue at hand. It is a completely normal PTSD response for anyone wondering. So he said he didn't really respond to her questions, but he'd been thinking about it for a couple of days and he wanted to share his thoughts with me. And as he talked about the ending of his marriage he described a deep seated anguish, a sense of total loss. He reminisced about the days when he and his wife were young and they had less troubles, when they were still in love. He said he wishes he could go back to that time before things got complicated, but he knows that they aren't the same people anymore and there is no relationship to go back to. One of the promises he made to her when they were still together was that he would help her buy a house, because she has always felt a lack of security in renting. He told me from the beginning that he would always feel a responsibility to follow through on that promise to her, whether they were together or not. So on this day he said that he decided he didn't want to get divorced until he helped her buy the house that she is currently renting. Her landlords are close friends of theirs and have already agreed to sell to her, but they haven't drafted the paperwork yet. I told him I understood and he was grateful that I listened. Then today I asked him if he had told his wife that he was waiting on the divorce until he helped her buy the house, since she seemed to want clarification on why they weren't starting divorce proceedings already. He quickly became emotional and told me that he hadn't told her yet. He asked me if I even considered how it would make him feel to just ask him a question about something so heavy out of the blue. He said that the conversation he has to have with her is going to be so hard and that there are moments when he is in a good place to talk about it and times when he just can't. He said he is in a lot of pain all of the time and equated it to a loved one dying. He said it feels like pulling the plug on a loved one who had already been on life support for a long time. The more we talked the more calm and vulnerable he became and he apologized for how he initially responded. Most of all, he apologized for not being honest with me about how much pain he is in because of the separation. 

Here is what is worrying me: I want to be supportive and compassionate with him as he grieves the loss of his marriage. At the same time, his wife is literally a trigger for my PTSD symptoms. All of this time I have gritted my teeth and worked through the symptoms, met my partner half way, because I have had this hope that we will eventually have a relationship that doesn't include a large space for the ghost of his wife. They were together 20 years. And listening to him be painfully honest about his grief, I am worried that there always will be a space just for her and that I will never completely escape the trigger. My hope is that when I go back to EMDR my therapist will help me get rid of the trigger completely. But right now, I am having to summon what feels like super human compassion to be able to hold space for his grief, while putting to the side symptoms of anxiety, panic, paranoia and depression to deal with later after listening to him talk about her. It is emotionally draining, but it's not because he's done anything wrong. I guess I'm just afraid that it will always be like this. That he will always be half in our relationship and half in the memory of theirs. To be honest, I wish that I could walk away from the trigger all together, avoid her in my life completely. But that would mean leaving him, and in all this time I haven't had the heart to do that. And I know that I want to be with him. 

Thank you for reading this long post. Any words of advice or similar stories would be helpful.

Edited July 12, 2020 by healingliteratura
Autocorrect

[S2B]

I don’t think he is planning to get divorced.

quit seeing him until AFTER his divorce is FINAL. It will hurt - but given his demeanor - it will hurt you more when he stays with his wife, which is what he’s planning (by buying her a house).

speaking of that... who buys a spouse a house when you plan to divorce them? I don’t think his wife knows ANYTHING about him planning to leave the marriage.

stop believing his lies! He is still VERY much married!

end it and date a few available men! He ISN’T available! You also won’t have the trigger anymore.

the guy avoids conflict! That will frustrate you every single day you spend with him. He has problems he needs to fix... and you can’t HELP him with those issues! Just be done with that liar.

Edited July 12, 2020 by S2B

[healingliteratura]

S2B: thank you for your reply. They have been living in two different places for a year and I know his kids know that they are separated. That being said, separated is different than divorced. And I do see the wisdom in your advice to leave the relationship until his divorce is finalized. 

And as far as the house, I can see why that would seem strange. Honestly, it seems like the source of his decision is equal parts guilt and a sense of responsibility. She held him to a few promises while they were together and the most important to her was the house. Because of the insecure way that she grew up, raised by a neglectful single parent, having her own home that no one could take from her means security and safety. And she feels betrayed because he didn't keep his promise about getting her a house. So even now he feels guilty and still feels responsible to meet that expectation.

Edited July 12, 2020 by healingliteratura

[elaine567]

You have got yourself into the middle of a right mess.
His wife will always be a trigger for you as you know how special she was/is to him and as she has not actually died, then his grieving process may be prolonged.

Edited July 12, 2020 by elaine567

[S2B]

So if she wants a house why can’t SHE earn money and buy a house herself? 
 

what happens when she demands the next thing? He’s just always going to give her what she wants? Where is his boundary? When does his alliance to HER end and yours begin? If he isn’t cutting ties to her now, then when?
 

when I divorced after 27 years I never asked my exH for stuff! If I wanted things I worked hard and got them for myself! I also didn’t call him! I called my kids directly on cell phones. I eliminated him from my daily life because it was over. I only have contact with him when there is an emergency with our kids. Twice now in 15 years time.

He is not done with her. He still has you in a position of being the OW, so really, nothing has changed.

all these reasons are why I suggested ending it. When he is totally finished with that marriage is ONLY when you should consider stepping back in.

He is using both women. Stop allowing him to use you. He still wants BOTH! And that makes him a liar and a jerk. These are also why you are having the physical reactions - because he isn’t being honest about what he is doing to both of you!

when you eliminate him - I bet you start feeling better!

Edited July 12, 2020 by S2B

[S2B]

He was with her 16 years yet he didn’t buy her what she wanted in ALL those years? So the only reason he would do it now is guilt.

you write here 2 years ago that you were ending it with him. So now two years have gone by and you’re still in the same position - mainly because he IS still married to her!

he is 32 years older than you are... why are you waiting? He’s a guy who will stay... and you will keep sacrificing and sacrificing for HIM.

when do you start looking out for yourself? Your future? 
 

3 years have gone by now...it’s going to be 13 if you don’t walk away and see if he REALLY is gonna get divorced. That means you get a new job as well... because you need time away from him to get a clear head. You given HIM all YOUR power and you need to take it back. Start changing your life if you expect it to change. Change is ONLY up to you - and it’s action YOU should take. You’ve been expecting HIM to change - but it’s actually YOUR job to start changing your life. Get a new job and set him free. He will either divorce her or he won’t.

 

[assertives]

I mean.. the house isn't the only promise he made to her that he didn't keep. He obviously also didn't keep his wedding vows and have been unfaithful to her. Also, 20 years is an incredibly long time to not have make good on his promise to buy a house.. and now it's taking a divorce for him to finally decide on/work towards buying one? Frankly see the house as an excuse to not get a divorce more than anything.

You really should give yourself an honest break away from him and who knows, you may just feel alot better. He is very much a married man since the day you met him and now. He isn't your partner, he is another woman's husband.

[Amethyst68]

Quote

 

So if she wants a house why can’t SHE earn money and buy a house herself? 
 

what happens when she demands the next thing? He’s just always going to give her what she wants? Where is his boundary? When does his alliance to HER end and yours begin? If he isn’t cutting ties to her now, then when?

 

That's not what's happening, all the BW's asked for is her divorce it's the MM who's delaying and talking about buying a house for her. Why all the denigrating of a woman who's just getting on with her life and doesn't even know her husband left her for a woman 32 years younger than him.

It's the MM who's not taking any action, who is clearly using any excuse not to get divorced and hoping the OP will just stick with the status quo.

OP, I don't know what age you are but if he is 32 years older than you have you thought about how he is going to pay for it? I could be wrong but this is his second marriage and he has adult children from his first so he's got to be late 50s, 60s? Is he independently wealthy? If not I doubt he'd get a mortgage at his age and if he did are you prepared for that amount of money to be getting paid out every month?

I guarantee you if the house situation was sorted today there would be another reason to delay the divorce from him tomorrow.

Quite frankly I think your PTSD is your guilt talking. This woman took you into her home, her family and this is how you repay her. It's not really a surprise her name would be a trigger.

[pepperbird]

op,

I'm married to a man with PTSD, so I can understand the challenges. In my opinion, you should end your relationship, at least until you can both get yourselves mentally healthy. Otherwise, you may end up in a place where your mental illnesses feed off one another.
I agree with the poster about the  PTSD "trigger" of his wife being more about guilt. If you choose to stay with him, sooner or later, you're going to have to face that.

[BaileyB]

I hate to say it, but this is a cautionary tale of why one should get get into a serious relationship with a married man. You “got your man,” but at what cost? 

In my very humble opinion, no man is worth this kind of anguish. There is no benefit to a relationship that would cause me to want to “work through” these kinds of issues. 

But, you are trying to work through things so all I can say is continue the counselling. Best wishes to you. 

Edited July 12, 2020 by BaileyB

[Realitysux]

I'll be honest but healing is not possible. It's difficult but better to keep no contact and move on. There are so many fish in the sea and you are a convenience to him while his wife is his priority. You will never be that if you aren't already. 

[S2B]

It’s been 3 years and he isn’t divorced.

stop wasting years of your life - start dating a man who IS available. Go completely NC with him so you can focus on being free of his toxic history (which IS negatively affecting you)!

get busy living! Waiting for him isn’t living!

[Subversa]

OP what's stopping him from getting divorced? He makes it sound like his wife is okay with it and that she has moved on. Do they have children? It sounds like he is waffling. Also If the wife wants a house, she can buy one herself. It isn't like he kept ALL the promises he made to her anyway. I really hope you seek therapy and resume EMDR since it sounds like it was helping you. 

[pepperbird]

The house part of the equation is puzzling to me. He could still get her a house, divorced or not. Is he moving the goalposts on you?

[d0nnivain]

This is so unhealthy for you. 

You have a condition which is triggered by his wife.  They share kids.  She will be around FOREVER.  Why do you want to subject yourself to this? 

After 3 years your relationship is still a secret.  Big red flag.  It means he likes the fact that he's still married  If divorce papers aren't filed, you have to assume they never will be & he's jerking your chain.  There is no reason to delay.  If he cries that he doesn't have the money to file, offer to pay the filing fee.  If he still balks, walk because he lying to you. 

The fact that you are merely dating but need professional therapy to keep it together tells me it's not worth having a relationship.  Marriage counseling is one thing but if your dating relationship is so screwed up that you need a therapist, save your money & just break up. 

Somehow I think a lot of your problems will resolve if you dump him & start dating a single man who is free to love you back 

 

[S2B]

You are still his OW. If you don’t enjoy being his OW... then end it.