HE FLIRTED/CHEATED for 6 YEARS

[Lb91]

Hello everyone!

So I never imagined that I would ever post in a forum like this one. But here I am. I tried to not make this too long but I failed in the most epic way, so If you read it completely I appreciate you and thank you already ! (sorry for the language mistakes as well)

So I met my partner in 2012. I'm European, and I've lived in that latin american country for 18 years. So he's from that country. Also when we met, I did not wanted a serious or monogamus relationship. We started hanging out, until he told me that he could not accept to be with me while I was with other men. So after a few months I realized that I fell for him and made kind of change in my life and the kind of person that I was and we were officially a couple.

More than a year later I got pregnant. Things got complicated with my parents not accepting the situation and all but eventually everything got better. However being from so different cultures, he was upset by some kind of mindset that he says I have, or the way that I perceive things. For example at the beginning I referred to him as my boyfriend as we are not married. And he disliked that very much, so I started referring to him as my husband, because well for me it was only a word, it does not change the seriousness of our relationship, but if that makes him feel better, I have no problem with it. I'm also a terrible cook, terrible at cleaning, I mean I'm not housewife material, and he knew that from the beginning, and even if he doesn't consider himself a macho, he is in some specific things. He also complains that I'm not affectionate enough, or warm or amorous. (I've gotta a point for explaining all this, I swear)

During our time in this latin american country, things were tough economically. My mother has a good job, and helped paying the rent, and gave us money when I needed it. So from 2015 until February 2020 my mother payed our rent, and helped us a looot !

Since our son was born in 2014, I told him several times that we should go to Europe. Our son is European as well, and he could have a visa, as a father of an European child, education would be better for our son, the quality of life, I mean everything. He wanted to go, but was scared of course, but there was always a reason for waiting and postponing. He's main reason was economical, he didn't wanted my mother to help us more than she already had and we had to try to do this on our own. But of course with such a low income, the end of the month were complicated, and it was impossible to save money.

Finally after years of talking about this, he decided that the best thing for us was that I left with my son to Europe, and he will join us later. It is a great idea, that I had in mind for some time, but I could no propose it to him because I felt it was something that had to be decided by him. I mean to be separated from his son for so long is not something that I can decide for him.

Anyway, we started getting everything ready. My mother bought my flight for my son and I, she came with us, helped us find the apartment, everything. And at the same time, she helped my husband, and is now paying his rent in this Latin american country where he still is, while my son and I are in Europe.

Now, after with this long story to place the context, back to the main reason why I'm here: So his Facebook got kind of hacked because he got mugged at the beginning of the week. I helped get his Facebook back. To be honest I have never ever in the 7 years, almost 8 years, that we've been together, thought that he could have cheated on me, I trusted him blindly, and I have never cheated on him either. And strangely, we were not "friends" on facebook for years now, because he told me that there was a bug on facebook, I even checked in the settings (I proposed my help to see if there was a problem, I did not requested this) if he did not blocked me by mistake and it was not the case. But there it was, his facebook, like an open book. I thought of just closing it, but no, stupid me, here I go being a total a**h***, and I opened his dms (while I was on the phone with him, I was reading everything while talking to him, and have not mention a thing to him)

3 hours reading his dms ! 3 hours ! I feel guilty ! It was the stupidest thing I have ever done. I broke his trust. But I could not stop reading. He has flirted with around 6 to 7 different girls. Writing stuff like "i love you" "i like you" i only care about you" "dream about me" "miss u". In some chats he says stuff like "It was great to meet you" so he met some of those girls, or he also says to another one that she stood him up. Which means he tries to meet this girls. He even invented to some of his friends that we broke up like 2 months after our son was born (which is not true), because I only wanted to be with my mother, that I left the baby to him. I took a screenshot of everything ! sixty f***ing five screenshots of DMs ! 65 ! He flirted with girls while I was pregnant, when my son was two months old, when he was 3yo, right now, in the 4 months we've been in different countries waiting for the pandemic to let us start his visa application. He has a message that says "good thing I blocked my wife" because a girl was posting things on his wall. I mean his f***ing DMs was like opening pandora's box.

So know after 12 hours of analyzing what I just read I realize that I'm not sad, or at least not for now. But I'm just f***ing pissed off ! My first idea is this : Not say thing, keep helping him so he can come to Europe, so that he's close to his son, and my son could has his father around. I don't want to get my son in all this, and he misses his dad a lot. And then after a while maybe tell him that I know. Or I also think that he might not care about us or my son as much as I thought and that he might not even try to come to Europe and join us, and well than that his problem, f*** it, I will deal with my son's feelings if he doesn't come, but it will not be on me. Anyway, basically the idea is wait, wait for karma, wait for him to f*** it up again. Maybe caught him in the act, I don't know, but I can't tell him what I know because I feel so guilty of reading all this ! I invaded his privacy and it's not ok !

And then on the other hand, I feel so bad because my mother is still helping him, and she shouldn't be. He doesn't deserve it anymore.

To be honest I don't know what to do. I want to do this right, I want him to be the bad guy in all this, I don't want to be the one that separated the father from my son, or the one that betrayed the trust by reading all this dms. I want to be clean as the sky, and I'm willing to put an oscar worthy stunt with him and act like I don't know (that've been doing quite easily today to be honest), and wait the time necessary to do this right, but I feel bad for my mother.

[salparadise]

It's not an invasion of privacy when you find what you found. He's a liar and a cheater, and he got caught. It's that simple. And the fact that he's doing it while being supported by your mother makes it worse. He's a serial cheat, not a victim. I'd say cut off his funds, cut communication, and tell him he can visit his son, but he'll need to make the trip on his own dime. 

It really wasn't smart to ask for help and give you access with all of those messages sitting there waiting to be discovered. It's not your problem. What you found supersedes any privacy issue.

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, salparadise said:

It really wasn't smart to ask for help and give you access with all of those messages sitting there waiting to be discovered.

It may have been deliberate...

 

[Realitysux]

Decent human beings are not going to hurt you deliberately. I've been really crushed for the past 7 years and then I got the courage to socialize again with some pretty great people. The guy isn't worth your fng thoughts but easier said then done. I will never in my life ever get involved in a monogamous relationship again. I'll take pride in being single when I'm in my 50's. I'm going to make friends and build a life for myself but I will never settle for one man in my entire life again. The pain I have felt for the past seven years has been the worst pain I could endure and I will never allow a man to do it to me again. It sucks your time and energy. It distracts you from other things. It is embarrassing and humiliating and dehabilitating. It's sheer torture and I've been through it for 7 years straight so it's going to take a few years to fully recover. 

Edited July 12, 2020 by Realitysux