Input needed

[Subversa]

You might not know me but I have known many of the regular posters since 2017. I know many of you digitally, your struggles and value your input a lot. I have debated posting this in infidelity since I’m a BS but on the verge of becoming an OW. 

My husband cheated on me soon after our marriage with a friend. The affair lasted for about two years at the end of which I caught him accidentally. He ended it when I found out and has been NC with her ever since. 

I was suicidal for the first year post discovery. I was a housewife managing a sick newborn And grappling with the reality of my life. I sought counseling and have been better. Started my own business since all our assets were previously jointly owned and incase of a divorce I wouldn’t have had many options. My business is booming and I’m grateful. 
 

The problem is that I have conflicting  thoughts. I have procured documented evidence in the form of pictures and WhatsApp conversations that is extremely damning. You see the OW is a married woman with kids and her husband doesn’t know till date. I want to tell him because he deserves to know the know just like I did. I am grateful I found out despite of how I felt after. At least I know my reality now. He deserves the same. However, I know that she faced DV in her marriage and I don’t want to be cause of escalation in their home. 
 

I also have a problem where I want to contact a guy and start my own affair. I have had enough therapy but there is still this idea that if I have an affair of my own I will get rid of this pain and sense of unfairness. I was loyal to the bones however I don’t know who I am anymore. I haven’t done anything wrong uptil this point but I feel that if I will then there will be healing on my part and we will able to continue in this marriage on an equal footing. 
 
Please help and I can take 2x4’s and more questions. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hurting other people, especially an entire family (plus others who rely on them that you may not be aware of) will not make you feel better.

It will only add another layer of feeling crappy about yourself. Same thing for starting an affair...you think it will even the playing field in your marriage? Nah. It's going to make you feel even more worthless and used, plus destroy yet another family.

You have NOT had enough therapy, especially if your response to your pain is to hurt innocent others in your wake of destruction.

STOP! You are not thinking rationally or seeing things clearly. 

As for telling the BS of your husband's OW, you will get mixed responses here on that. I firmly believe you should let sleeping dogs lie because you should not play God with that man's life. You say he should know, but maybe he doesn't want to know. How do you know what the spouse of someone else wants from his wife? How well do you even know him? Are you sure your motivation is pure with that, or are you just unhappy that your marriage is wrecked by this betrayal and you want their marriage wrecked by it as well? Do you feel it's unfair that the infidelity has turned your world/marriage upside down while they appear like "happy life" same as before the infidelity? Do you want your husband's OW to experience the pain of a broken marriage like you are? Is that your true motive? Do you feel she's getting off scot free while you are suffering?

Just stop where you are without blowing up more marriages. If you want to heal, you are going about itthe wrong way. Hurting others will never make you feel good about yourself unless you are narcissistic/sociopathic/psychopathic/maybe even BPD. Even if you are these personality disorders (not saying you are), hurting others is still wrong.

You need to confront the deep pain within yourself and find healthier ways to work through it than the destructive plans you're now forming.

Talk with your counselor about this. If you are not getting anywhere with your current counselor look for another. Also try other healing modalities: group therapy, support groups, hypnosis, EMDR, maybe even reiki. If you're religious, dig deeper into your faith.

It's not fair that you were faithful in your marriage while being betrayed and deeply hurt by your husband, but it is not a license to hurt others!

Misery may love company, but you can choose to not be "one of those people" who wants to hurt others just because you are hurt. You can deal with this in a more mature way by choosing to take better care of yourself, explore more healing modalities, than to hurt others.

Do not act from pain or emotion. Pause. Find a better way. Believe in your own inner strength. 

Edited July 12, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Subversa said:

Started my own business since all our assets were previously jointly owned and incase of a divorce I wouldn’t have had many options. My business is booming and I’m grateful. 

Good for you! 

Quote

I also have a problem where I want to contact a guy and start my own affair. I have had enough therapy but there is still this idea that if I have an affair of my own I will get rid of this pain and sense of unfairness. I feel that if I will then there will be healing on my part and we will able to continue in this marriage on an equal footing.

 Have a revenge affair, and you completely lose the moral high ground. You may feel like your marriage will be on equal ground, but you will lower yourself to his level and that is never a good plan. A better plan would be to divorce, because a marriage where both partners have been unfaithful is not a marriage - you are just heaping abuse onto each other at that point. Clearly, you have more work to do to achieve full reconciliation. There is no shame in saying, “it’s too much for me, I am not going to stay.” But, it’s like Michelle Obama said - “when they go low, we go high.” I see absolutely no benefit to having your own affair. I would never be able to live with myself... I would much sooner keep my dignity and end the marriage. 

[Subversa]

Thankyou both of you for taking time out and giving me advice. 
 

I feel I need to clarify that I won’t be going behind my husband’s back to have an affair. I have always been radically honest with him regarding how I feel about the marriage currently and let him know I often consider an affair(not with a MM). He obviously would rather I don’t and has been remorseful and transparent. He doesn’t want me to leave and wants to reconcile. He has bent over backwards to try to heal me and make amends. Kids are happy.
 

However, I am one of those unfortunate BS who have inflicted more pain upon themselves. You see I have over 6 months of daily conversations they had and I believe I should never have gone through them. You can imagine the damage they wreaked on my self of right and wrong. 
 

My purpose of letting her husband know is partly vengeful. I know they are happy right now as a couple and I would rather they not but mainly  to let her husband know who exactly he is married to and to give him a choice just like I have. More than anything, I am grateful I know the reality of my life. I sympathize with him and want him to have enough information to make an informed choice if he wants to. 
 

Funny you should quote Michelle Obama here. This is actually something I have been telling myself over the years 😊 therefore I never acted out of anger or depression. 
 

 

 

[stillafool]

Having your own affair will not make you feel better.  It will make you feel used and disgusted.  If you want the pain to stop just divorce your husband.  You said he wants to stay together but it's what you want that matters at this point.

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, Subversa said:

I know they are happy right now as a couple and I would rather they not but mainly  to let her husband know who exactly he is married to and to give him a choice just like I have. More than anything, I am grateful I know the reality of my life. I sympathize with him and want him to have enough information to make an informed choice if he wants to. 

Men will often leave cheating woman and you may feel she deserves that, but do her kids deserve a broken home and a grieving and no doubt bitter and damaged father?
If one could just zap the guilty party then revenge would perhaps be sweeter, but it is the collateral damage that is harder to live with.

 

[BaileyB]

In a perfect world, he deserves to know and she deserves to suffer the consequences of her decision. 

If I was the betrayed spouse, I think I would want to know. 

But, I would really think twice about being the person who tells because as Elaine said, there will be a lot of collateral damage. It is a bell that can not be unwrung. I’m not sure how I would live with the guilt, especially if my motive was revenge. I will not make you feel better to have an affair or inflict hurt on this other family. It may actually make you feel worse.

Best to focus inward, on your own self and your own marriage. What do you need to make YOU happy. As Stillafool says, your husband wants to reconcile but it’s what YOU want that matters. 

And finally, you sound like a smart woman who has done lots of counselling so I’m sure you know this... Forgiveness is not a gift you give someone else. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. If you forgive your husband, it does not make what he did “ok.” It does not mean that you condone what he did or that you ever forget. It doesn’t mean that you ever trust him the same way you did before this happened. But one thing that helped me when I was struggling to get past a hurt inflicted by someone I love - holding resentment is like drinking poison everyday and expecting the other person to die.

These are difficult things to move through, and it takes a significant amount of time. But, if this is something that you truly can’t get past, then it maybe best to divorce. 

Edited July 12, 2020 by BaileyB

[Subversa]

Yes I have no doubt he will divorce her once he finds out. How is that my problem though? In those conversations she told my husband plenty of times that she wants him all to herself. She has also said that kids(as in my kids) adjust and they are happy whenever they see their parents happy. She was more interested in putting me down and degrading me than leaving me alone and enjoying her side relationship with my husband. 
 

She was obsessed with me and not in a good way. Asking and begging my husband to please sleep in separate room. To send her pictures of me? She used to ask how much I weight? How often I wax? Asking my husband about my parents and family? Wanting him to send her our pictures? Calling her husband  horrible names and putting down his sexual performance. Making fun of him as a human being.

 I would never have though anyone  would be capable of this but I was proved wrong. 

 

So pardon me if I don’t want to mollycoddle her relationship with her husband. 

Edited July 12, 2020 by Subversa

[heartwhole2]

I can relate to the quest for things that will make me feel healed. I get that. A revenge affair isn't one of the things I desired or tried, but all the other things I tried had limitations, and that's because the healing and growth needs to happen on the inside.

I wanted/needed my husband to publicly and consistently demonstrate his commitment to me. I demanded that our LLC be changed to include me. I have a vacation home and lots of jewelry that I didn't have before, lol. I contacted the OW to have her remove all the public things she posted that were obviously about the affair. These things helped me assert myself and feel less put upon.  

While I think these were important actions and I don't regret any of them, I did find that my expectation of how it would make me feel better and the reality of how I felt were different. It was almost as if I was expecting these things to be a shortcut when, of course, none exists. There's nothing that can undo or make right the unjust wrong that they inflicted upon you. That's something we need to accept as best we can.

From a risk/reward perspective, I would worry that you are unlikely to feel better and could possibly feel worse by having a RA. For me at least, what would matter is knowing that I could have an RA if I wanted, that my husband understood how much I felt put upon and wanted to do whatever he could to help me, even if it was hurtful to him. But actually doing that thing to hurt him and likely hurt myself will cause a lot more things to work through and heal from, compounding the problem.

I see your update about the MOW and I can see why this feels even more personal for you. I would just reiterate that whatever you do assert yourself, make sure it is in line with your values and doesn't cause more problems in the long run. I contacted the OW for a specific purpose and I'm glad I did, but I knew in doing so that I had to be OK however she responded or didn't respond. 

It's impossible to separate your feelings of anger and wanting revenge from your desire to have the OBS know what he needs to know. I personally think it's OK for you to have a spectrum of motives and desires. What matters is whether he should know this information that obviously no one else is going to give him. Out of your two ideas, revenge affair and telling the OBS, I feel this one has some merit. I do believe that affairs are abusive and that we all have a right to the truth of our own lives. 

Is there a reason you didn't tell OBS when you first found out?

[stillafool]

Well one thing is probably for sure.  If you do tell him and he leaves her, she will then do everything in her will to start things back up with your husband again.  You never said what you wanted whether divorce or not; but if you still want your husband sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

[Subversa]

10 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

While I think these were important actions and I don't regret any of them, I did find that my expectation of how it would make me feel better and the reality of how I felt were different. It was almost as if I was expecting these things to be a shortcut when, of course, none exists. There's nothing that can undo or make right the unjust wrong that they inflicted upon you. That's something we need to accept as best we can.

Thankyou heartwhole2, this is what I was looking for. Basically I have exhausted all these options and all of them produced partial relief. I have secured myself financially and otherwise. Yes, I have more expensive jewelry as well, though I didn’t ask for any of that 😛 I mainly focused on self-sufficiency and therapy. Focus on kids, home, family, counseling, relationship. 
He has been trying to win me back by basically trying anything and everything for years now. It’s just that the spark is gone. Basically it’s this loss in the relationship that is the driving force behind the desire for revenge as well as to start the marriage anew on an equal footing after an affair. 

[Subversa]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well one thing is probably for sure.  If you do tell him and he leaves her, she will then do everything in her will to start things back up with your husband again.  You never said what you wanted whether divorce or not; but if you still want your husband sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

Thankyou Stillafool, this was a concern for me in the initial months of discovery and after obtaining evidence. So I gave him this option plenty of times, that if he wants to be with her, he can divorce me and go be with her freely. I won’t hold grudges. Instead, he asked me to forgive him and be in his life. 

However, this is a non-factor now. But I guess anything is possible so I won’t discount this. However if they start it back up, she can have him.

[Amethyst68]

It's probably no surprise that I'm in the camp of telling the BH. The man deserves to know the truth, wouldn't you want him to tell you if the positions were reversed? In fact wouldn't you be extremely angry if you found out he knew for years and didn't tell you?

As for having your own affair, yes you'd be losing the moral high ground but more importantly you'd forever lose a part of yourself that you'll never be able to get back. Your integrity, your character, even your sense of self, and for what? Petty revenge? Find a healthy way  redirect these feelings so you're not left with any feelings of regret.

[Subversa]

37 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

It's probably no surprise that I'm in the camp of telling the BH. The man deserves to know the truth, wouldn't you want him to tell you if the positions were reversed? In fact wouldn't you be extremely angry if you found out he knew for years and didn't tell you?

As for having your own affair, yes you'd be losing the moral high ground but more importantly you'd forever lose a part of yourself that you'll never be able to get back. Your integrity, your character, even your sense of self, and for what? Petty revenge? Find a healthy way  redirect these feelings so you're not left with any feelings of regret.

Yes amethyst68, knowing the truth has been the only solace in this ordeal. It helped me keep my sanity. The level of betrayal In this affair is enormous. Although I believe even a back-alley quick hump also needs to be known by Betrayed spouses, so that they can make a decision about their own lives. 
I would be enraged if I found out someone held back this information from me. I have only held back because I know for sure there was domestic violence in that house. I don’t want to responsible for anything that might go on after this revelation. Hence, I am conflicted. 

[BaileyB]

Yes, given more information it would seem that she was heavily invested in the affair and I too would be very angry with her. I’m curious to know if you’ve ever thought of contacting the OW directly? You could perhaps give her an ultimatum - to tell the truth or you will tell her husband. If you do tell the Other spouse, you need to do so with the full understanding that it may end your own marriage. I’m assuming that you would tell your husband before you contact the other spouse.

I’m curious, how long has it been since the affair and what brings you to consider telling the husband now? 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

If you want a very tough life lesson in the ultimate feelings of dispair and disempowerment, which will challenge every shred of your self-worth, have an affair. Then watch that disempowerment bleed into every other area of your life. 

THAT is what an affair will get you, even with your husband's supposed consent. How would the knowledge of mom's affair shape your children? Even if they made it to adulthood without knowledge of it, learning about it later in life will rock their worlds. It will destabilize part of their identity, which was based on their upbringing. It will challenge their fundamental beliefs at their core. I knew of my dad's infidelity at age 13. It shook me and I formed beliefs that I'm still working through three decades later. His affair was only 2 months, but I remembered it as at least a year. I had to ask my mom a few years ago how long it lasted and was surprised how brief it was considering its impact on my life.

Your husband already introduced this instability into your family structure. Will you compound that for your kids? Or will you be the role model parent they aspire to?  This is going to shape every adult relationship they form in their lives. Be mindful and consult experts on this to give them the best chance of success.

As for informing the other BS, you asked how is it your problem whether or not he divorces her? I ask how is it your problem whatever is happening in their marriage? I tell you, you are only adding more acrimony to your own bitter cup by spreading poison. You are poisoning yourself more than anything else with these revenge fantasies. Do you think her husband is a total idiot that he has no clue what's happening in his own marriage, that he needs you to "save" him by giving him a dose of your own suffering? You have to be better than this.

An analogy to consider:

You're walking by a pig pen in your best outfit. As you pass, an ugly rude pig kicks mud on your favorite outfit. Do you:

A) jump in the pig pen clubbing the pigs while rolling around submersing yourself and the rest of your outfit in pig filth?

-OR-

B) Scowl at the filthy pig, brush off the mud, square your shoulders, put your head up with dignity, and go clean yourself off?

Choose A and come out a saint 'smelling like roses', increased self-esteem, increased bargaining power. Choose B and become a filthy pig yourself.

If choosing B: What is it within you that would make you dishonor yourself, to disrespect yourself enough, to further stir up this drama? You are fueling your own defeat, creating more fuel to your downward spiral of self-destruction. You are giving everyone who would have knowledge fuel to condemn you as being on par with the infidels. Why do you want that for yourself? Humiliate yourself and bring extreme shame to your kids? No, demand better from yourself!

Why do you feel so competitive with her? Why are you even lowering yourself like that? She cheated on her husband with yours, and you think you have to compete? Sister, stop competing; you already won by not stooping to her level. If you compete or act out, you're signaling to her that you feel she's better than you and you have to fight to be as good or better. Just stop while you're ahead!

Every vengeful action you do affirms they have power over you, your reputation, your closest relationships. You are giving that to them by acting out. Ultimately, you will hate yourself for this after the dust settles.

I thought about outing my xMM years ago. It seemed he was going on with life as if I never existed and it HURT A LOT! I told myself his wife had a right to know what she was married to (incredibly presumptuous on my part). I can't put into words the degree of inner strength I had to muster (more than I knew I had and already I was incredibly strong) to not act out to humiliate him and "let her know." And I cannot relate in words how incredibly grateful I am to myself that I stayed away from that hot mess! My place is not in between their marriage...never was. Your place is not in between their marriage. Focus on your own marriage (empower yourself, heal yourself) and doing your best to minimize damage to your kids. Do this the right way and watch yourself become an even more amazingly intelligent, strong woman who everyone admires. Think of your legacy. Your decisions now are shaping it and who you become.

[Subversa]

18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Yes, given more information it would seem that she was heavily invested in the affair and I too would be very angry with her. I’m curious to know if you’ve ever thought of contacting the OW directly? You could perhaps give her an ultimatum - to tell the truth or you will tell her husband. If you do tell the Other spouse, you need to do so with the full understanding that it may end your own marriage. I’m assuming that you would tell your husband before you contact the other spouse.

I’m curious, how long has it been since the affair and what brings you to consider telling the husband now? 

Thankyou Bailey for taking the time out to help me. It has been 3 years since the affair ended. 

I have her contact information and have contemplated talking to her many times over the years. I didn’t l, however, because I didn’t want her to see me hurt, angry or seeking out answers. I wanted to keep my pride intact, however broken I was/am. 
 

I have discussed this topic with my husband over the years and he is absolutely okay with me telling her husband or anyone in our family. He says he doesn’t care what happens to her when people find out and that I can tell him whenever I want. He says he deserves to face whatever consequence, if I choose to tell our families. All talk and I haven’t put this to test yet. 
 

I don’t understand what you mean when you say that it might end my own marriage if I tell him? I have already asked him many times to divorce if he wants to be with her. 

Edited July 12, 2020 by Subversa

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry. It’s hard to write sometimes without knowing all the information. I guess I meant - I would just be prepared for the **** to hit the fan. Once you tell her husband, you have no idea how she will react or what she will do. 

That said, because your husband will be aware and in agreement with your decision, she can do her worst and you will be prepared for whatever happens. I’m less concerned now that you have said he is prepared to stand by your side and support you, should you chose to tell her husband.It also becomes more and more apparent as you write that your husband has accepted responsibility for his decision and he is truly remorseful. You seem to communicate well. Dare I say it, based on what you have shared about your husband’s commitment to make amends after the affair, he sounds like a pretty good guy. 

I’m sorry this happened to you. You and your children didn’t deserve this. But, with the work your husband has done to make amends and if you can find a way to trust again, I have to wonder if your family will actually be stronger.

Edited July 12, 2020 by BaileyB

[heartwhole2]

OK, I'm going to change my answer now that I know about the domestic abuse. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve the truth of his life because he's an abuser, but that the safety of MOW and any children must be considered as well. I would not tell in this instance.

Does it help at all to view MOW's actions through the lens of her being abused? That she was likely looking for a way out, that her obsession with comparing herself to you was her trying to figure out if she had a chance to "lock things down" with your husband. That in whatever dysfunctional way, she was looking for a way out of the abuse and she was seriously misdirecting that energy? 

None of this excuses her poor choices or your husband's. It's not OK to harm or abuse someone else just because you've been abused. But I have come to see that the majority of people who have affairs do so because they are looking in the wrong place to fix what's broken in themselves and their lives, and that enables me to view them with some compassion. Well, on a good day, lol. 

Basically, you've got competing ethical considerations here and I would choose to err on the side of keeping an abuser in the dark about his reality.

Edited July 12, 2020 by heartwhole2

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@heartwhole2 Very wise assessments in this post about abusers. Abusers are unpredictable. Also be wary that informing him might invite his anger/violence to be directed at your husband, and even you and your kids as a way of getting even with your husband.

That rage you feel towards her? He will feel that towards your husband and possibly you too. The difference is you have the sanity to try to rein in your behavior while he could react dangerously towards your family. Stay away. That is a very real threat to the safety of you and yours.

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

OK, I'm going to change my answer now that I know about the domestic abuse. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve the truth of his life because he's an abuser, but that the safety of MOW and any children must be considered as well. I would not tell in this instance.

Oh gosh, I totally missed that. It changes my answer too... I could not do anything that would put the woman and her children at risk. And yes, what if he turns his anger towards you and your husband. Too much risk. 

Edited July 12, 2020 by BaileyB

[Subversa]

@HadMeOverABarrel Thankyou so much for sharing your experience. I have read it many times over. What you said resonated with me even more strongly is because it’s the same thing my WS says. He says he has lost a part of himself that he will never get back. 

Yes exactly, it takes more strength than I can often muster, to refrain from outing her. It’s tough to be compassionate to someone trying to wreck your home.

i mean I put full responsibility of the affair on my husband, he was the one who made vows to me. However, it her who contacted him first. Started things back up and often pushed him into doing different things. If I didn’t have time stamped, documented proof of all this, there would have been no chance of reconciliation. 

[Subversa]

@BaileyB and @heartwhole2 we dont live on the same continent as them. I am not worried for my family. However, yes I am worried for her and her children’s safety. 🙁 

[assertives]

Given the knowledge of the domestic abuse, my vote also goes to not telling. I'm not saying an abuser deserves to be cheated on, nor that he doesn't deserve the truth to make his own decision about his life. But there's no way to predict how he would react to this piece of information. The best case scenario would be he divorces her (which frankly, it may actually liberate her from his abuse). But what if the worse case scenario plays out, and he beats her to half her life or even kills her? And then there are the kids involved as well. Chances of him beating her to death is probably higher than him just divorcing her. Don't do it. It would not make you feel better, and would probably make you feel even worse if that ends up happening.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, Subversa said:

Thankyou so much for sharing your experience.

You're welcome.

1 hour ago, Subversa said:

He says he has lost a part of himself that he will never get back. 

A terribly sad consequence. Like others here, I am encouraged by his remorse and hope you both will emerge stronger than ever. I think you have a solid chance at saving this. One suggestion: look at @heartwhole2's story and her counsel because she's been in your situation and has come out as best as could be expected in my opinion. I believe she's done her work, so has her husband, and they are probably a good example of a successful reconciliation. Also seek out @carhill and read his posts. He was a WW who has been through reconciliation work with his wife, and can probably add to your perspective. 

 

1 hour ago, Subversa said:

it takes more strength than I can often muster, to refrain from outing her. It’s tough to be compassionate to someone trying to wreck your home.

I hope you can see that this woman is INCREDIBLY BROKEN inside. She's totally desperate. She probably saw your husband as a white knight, her life raft, her salvation. (Aside from his infidelity, he seems like a decent guy from your description so no wonder she'd see him this way.) Then, in her mind, you are automatically villified because you are what stands between her and her salvation. Villifying you helps her dissuade her own sense of guilt and wrong doing. Asking for all that stuff about you just shows how desperate she is to BE YOU! In her mind, she probably sees you as being waaay better than her, with better life circumstances, and she's probably quite envious of you while seeing herself as pretty worthless. I've deduced this because being married to an abuser will take a person to the lowest of lows. Plus she probably got plenty of childhood abuse to end up with an abuser. Typically such people don't recognize the warning signs early in relationships because abuse was normalized in their childhoods.

None of this is to be made an excuse for her behavior. Wrong is wrong! But hopefully it will help you have compassion for her, which will alleviate your anger. At this point, your anger is only harming you more than helping you. I've had suppressed anger for years towards people I trusted who wronged me so I know this well.

So far I've learned one of the best ways to overcome anger is to transmute it into compassion and gratitude. These carry a higher vibrational frequency than anger. Like attracts like. Anger attracts more anger, angry circumstances, and angry people into your life. Other angry people you meet will subconsciously identify the anger in you and attach themselves to you. You won't even realize it's happening consciously.

I'm sorry if this sounds woo woo 😀, but it's what I've learned after lots of counseling and reflection. Nobody would describe me as an angry person, but I know it's there, and it's largely responsible for creating an opening for narcissistic people to come into my life. Narcissists are very angry people inside. This is where I'm at in my own healing...trying to let go of ALL anger! It's not so easy because anger feel empowering, self-righteous, and helps us get back the part of us that feels degraded and lost.

When we heal ourselves, overcome our victim stories, we attract better into our lives. You can do this! There's a higher purpose in all this and you will find it. It's going to take work though, but it's so worth it!

1 hour ago, Subversa said:

mean I put full responsibility of the affair on my husband, he was the one who made vows to me.

Good.

1 hour ago, Subversa said:

However, it her who contacted him first. Started things back up and often pushed him into doing different things. If I didn’t have time stamped, documented proof of all this, there would have been no chance of reconciliation. 

Because she's a broken mess inside! Your husband might have given her a glimpse of what she's always wanted but may never ever achieve for herself (with anyone). She's in a hell of her own making...probably for her entire life. Keep yourself out of that mess. Her time with your husband was probably the best/closest to her dreams she'll ever get. So sad for her. Totally desperate soul, she'll probably always have him on a twisted fantasy pedestal. 

Edited to add: Also consider that whatever attention you give her, including informing her husband, will peak her obsession with you. That is not good for you. It reminds me of true crime shows where the wife is murdered by the estranged lover. This woman might be deluded enough to think if she can just "remove you" from the picture, she can slide herself into the fantasy life she thinks you and your husband have. She might also be a really sick person. The obsession she has with you makes me think this way. She might be really sick and dangerous herself. Limit your exposure.

Edited July 12, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel