What do you think is going on in my Ex GF's head right now?

[Seabreeze1]

5 weeks ago she dropped this bomb on me that she doesn’t think this is going to work out and that she doesn’t see a future with me. Mind you, through out the relationship, she always seemed totally obsessed with me (in a loving way) and we have talked about moving in with each other, marriage eventually, and kids. So you can imagine hearing that was a shock to me. 

The day after we broke up I got a text from her stating she got the job interview at this hospital she applied to. I congratulated her of course then took that as an opportunity to ask if we can meet up later in the week to clear some things up- she agreed.

We met up and basically what she said to me was that I never seemed happy or excited about her. The only red flags before the break up was that she occasionally asked if I was happy. I would say I am, then she would say it didn’t seem like it. I would then explain that’s just how I am (I’m very laid back and not the most bubbly person). I think she took that as that part of me will never change and she didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t seem happy to be around her. 

She expressed what she needs from me just doesn’t come natural to me, and that was fine but she thinks we’re very different and that there are better people out there for us. I then explained now that I know this i can at least try and be more mindful of it and try to work on it but didn’t seem she was willing to go back on her decision at least at the time. 

As we said goodbye again, she asked if I’d like her to let me know how her interview goes and I said sure. She did reach out to let me know. 

2 weeks of no contact, I sent her a message acknowledging where things went wrong and how I can plan on trying to fix my part of it. And told her I hope this is something we can consider talking about. This was her response: “I appreciate what you’re saying. I’m glad you’re realizing these things. I am not ready to talk about these things yet, but just know I am not ignoring you. I hear you and I’m just processing”. 

It been just over 2 weeks since that last exchange. Any thoughts on this matter?

 

 

 

 

[Realitysux]

45 minutes ago, Seabreeze1 said:

5 weeks ago she dropped this bomb on me that she doesn’t think this is going to work out and that she doesn’t see a future with me. Mind you, through out the relationship, she always seemed totally obsessed with me (in a loving way) and we have talked about moving in with each other, marriage eventually, and kids. So you can imagine hearing that was a shock to me. 

The day after we broke up I got a text from her stating she got the job interview at this hospital she applied to. I congratulated her of course then took that as an opportunity to ask if we can meet up later in the week to clear some things up- she agreed.

We met up and basically what she said to me was that I never seemed happy or excited about her. The only red flags before the break up was that she occasionally asked if I was happy. I would say I am, then she would say it didn’t seem like it. I would then explain that’s just how I am (I’m very laid back and not the most bubbly person). I think she took that as that part of me will never change and she didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t seem happy to be around her. 

She expressed what she needs from me just doesn’t come natural to me, and that was fine but she thinks we’re very different and that there are better people out there for us. I then explained now that I know this i can at least try and be more mindful of it and try to work on it but didn’t seem she was willing to go back on her decision at least at the time. 

As we said goodbye again, she asked if I’d like her to let me know how her interview goes and I said sure. She did reach out to let me know. 

2 weeks of no contact, I sent her a message acknowledging where things went wrong and how I can plan on trying to fix my part of it. And told her I hope this is something we can consider talking about. This was her response: “I appreciate what you’re saying. I’m glad you’re realizing these things. I am not ready to talk about these things yet, but just know I am not ignoring you. I hear you and I’m just processing”. 

It been just over 2 weeks since that last exchange. Any thoughts on this matter?

 

 

 

 

When you say obsessed with you? That is a very intense emotion towards you and she may not have felt like you reciprocated the same intensity. I wouldn't say to someone "there are better people for us" if I wanted to be with someone as that is hurtful. No one wants to see the person they love with someone else, it's the most painful thought on the planet. That itself makes me believe she wasn't obsessed with you. In my experience, I am very bubbly and out going and affectionate so I would want someone I am with to accept it from me. Having said that, I date and do not have the connection so I will not be giving a lot of myself to those guys. 

[Seabreeze1]

She has literally told me during the relationship she was obsessed with me lol and that I was her favorite human (that probably sounds weird to you).  But you’re right that I didn’t exactly reciprocate that.

may I ask if you think it’s appropriate after a few weeks to reach out in a friendly manner by asking how she’s doing, how’s the new job, etc. ? Of course I would not bring up the relationship as last time she spoke she was not ready to talk about those things. 

[Seabreeze1]

Kind of gauge where we’re at

[homecoming]

2 hours ago, Seabreeze1 said:

“I appreciate what you’re saying. I’m glad you’re realizing these things. I am not ready to talk about these things yet, but just know I am not ignoring you. I hear you and I’m just processing

I have to say, from past experience of hearing these very things, that it's best you consider it as over. People say things like this when they don't want to be direct, or want to keep you hanging while they either entertain someone else, or just think about what they want to do with you. It's not very respectful, and people who say things like this often don't come 'back' to you.

[homecoming]

10 minutes ago, Seabreeze1 said:

She has literally told me during the relationship she was obsessed with me lol and that I was her favorite human (that probably sounds weird to you).  But you’re right that I didn’t exactly reciprocate that.

may I ask if you think it’s appropriate after a few weeks to reach out in a friendly manner by asking how she’s doing, how’s the new job, etc. ? Of course I would not bring up the relationship as last time she spoke she was not ready to talk about those things. 

Hmm. This is very common in those with BPD, although I want to make it clear I am not diagnosing anyone based on a simple sentence. However, her behaviour sounds in line with something an ex of mine did, and they had diagnosed BPD.

[Seabreeze1]

48 minutes ago, homecoming said:

Hmm. This is very common in those with BPD, although I want to make it clear I am not diagnosing anyone based on a simple sentence. However, her behaviour sounds in line with something an ex of mine did, and they had diagnosed BPD.

That’s crazy you said that, I’ve always wondered if she was bipolar..

[Goodguy05]

I wouldn't reach out mate. It doesn't bolster your position in the least. When you reach constantly in there mind it cements they made the right decision when you don't reach out it lets them reflect. Don't go back to someone who initiated a break. If she truly loved you like she claims then why is she leaving you? Think about that. You haven't done anything wrong it's just an excuse for whatever her reason is to split 

[homecoming]

20 minutes ago, Seabreeze1 said:

That’s crazy you said that, I’ve always wondered if she was bipolar..

I think it's not impossible. Either way, if someone is consistently INconsistent, that's usually a sign of deeper internal issues

[Seabreeze1]

2 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

I wouldn't reach out mate. It doesn't bolster your position in the least. When you reach constantly in there mind it cements they made the right decision when you don't reach out it lets them reflect. Don't go back to someone who initiated a break. If she truly loved you like she claims then why is she leaving you? Think about that. You haven't done anything wrong it's just an excuse for whatever her reason is to split 

She left me because she came to the conclusion that it may not work out for us in the future- That it’ll be easier to cut it off now then down the road. I don’t agree with that logic the least bit but unfortunately that’s where we’re at. 

[lana-banana]

It doesn't sound like she's experiencing any kind of mental illness, difficulty, or second thoughts. If she's interested in potentially reconciling she'll let you know.

[salparadise]

 

7 hours ago, Seabreeze1 said:

She left me because she came to the conclusion that it may not work out for us in the future- That it’ll be easier to cut it off now then down the road. I don’t agree with that logic the least bit but unfortunately that’s where we’re at. 

What they tell you and what they're actually thinking is often not the same. What they say is always going to be more rational and justifiable. Of course it may not work out in the future –– who can predict the future? The same could be said of every relationship. This is a non-answer.

"There are better people out there for us," is getting closer;  she believes she can do better. GIGS, which I'd say is the reason for about 85-90 percent of the breakups where there was little conflict or serious incompatibility. Women [many, more often than not] are optimizers, they compare and judge, especially if someone else is showing interest. But regardless, they need to believe you're "the best" in some way that's important to them. If you start looking average, bzzzzzzzt.

OTOH:  "she has literally told me during the relationship she was obsessed with me lol and that I was her favorite human".  And you said, but you’re right that I didn’t exactly reciprocate that. This is more aligned with the possibility of bipolar or BPD. You haven't given any behavioral baseline clues, so no one should be trying to assign labels, but since it was mentioned I will say that fear of abandonment is a major feature of BPD. They will terminate a relationship first in order to not be terminated. They're super sensitive to rejection because it affirms their greatest insecurity, that of being unworthy or unloveable. They hide this belief and are always fearful of discovery. If they feel they're about to be outed, they will act first to prevent a psychological catastrophe. If she felt you weren't equally obsessed, this could be it. All of this is subconscious and defensive, so there is going to be another reason given.

And of course with bipolar you have manic and depressive modes, so it could explain going from obsessed with you to done with you in the blink of an eye. 

I've been there, so I know the need to try and figure it out... but after you're over it in a few months or years, you'll just shrug your shoulders and think, eh, something along those lines, but who knows. In the future, be careful about women who are prone to obsession –– unless you just like the hot, quick burn. Calm and steady may not have the same Scoville rating, but for long-term contentment, you should give it a try.

 

 

Edited July 13, 2020 by salparadise

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Seabreeze1 said:

She has literally told me during the relationship she was obsessed with me lol and that I was her favorite human (that probably sounds weird to you).  But you’re right that I didn’t exactly reciprocate that.

Eh, this is typical verbiage of younger folks (and sometimes not-so-young) these days. They think it sounds cute. 

I also don't see anything to indicate mental illness or a personality disorder. It just sounds like she got carried away in the honeymoon phase and she slowly realized she wasn't happy because you and she have very different relationship styles and personalities and it wasn't a match for her. 

I'm not sure that texting her in a couple weeks is going to make much difference, to be honest. How long were together, and how old are you both? 

[chillii]

I dunno. She dumps you but your still around and messaging , even worrying about her interviews , meeting up with her. Now waiting round for her ladyship to ponder whether she really feels like you or not, which l agree with the others is just niceties , and keep you hovering - just encase nothin else comes along.  All sounds pretty doormat to me man , not to mention a waste of time.

 

[schlumpy]

She recognizes you are going to have hard time accepting the breakup (as you have already demonstrated) and she is doing a slow fade to spare your feelings.

Listen to what she said and believe it. I understand it's not you want. The dynamic is all wrong for you.

She initiated the breakup and is controlling the aftermath.

You have to take back the power and go NC. Otherwise you will bleed to death.

BTW, being around someone with an effusive bubbly personality can really get on your nerves at times. No what I mean?

 

[Seabreeze1]

Quote

Howlong were together, and how old are you both? 

Both 26 and we were together for 2 yrs

Edited July 13, 2020 by Seabreeze1

[d0nnivain]

A few weeks isn't going to change anything so there is no point in reaching out in a few weeks.  

You are who you are & those personality traits that she feels are lacking will not magically materialize in you even through mindfulness of her needs.  She wants somebody you are not & can't change yourself into being.  

That does not make you a bad person.  You seem like a nice guy, willing to do the introspection & willing to try to change but the willingness isn't enough.  The bubbly obsessive guy she wants is not part of your make up on a habitual basis.   You can't be happy long term by fundamentally changing yourself.  

Let her go.  Find somebody who appreciates the laid back guy you are.  

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, Seabreeze1 said:

Both 26 and we were together for 2 yrs

I think she has outgrown the relationship, to be honest. 

The 20s are full of changes. What we want in a partner can shift as we mature into adulthood more, and it sounds like she was no longer feeling it. It's hard but I think this is likely just one of those situations in which the relationship ran its course for her. 

[rjc149]

15 hours ago, Seabreeze1 said:

She left me because she came to the conclusion that it may not work out for us in the future- That it’ll be easier to cut it off now then down the road. I don’t agree with that logic the least bit but unfortunately that’s where we’re at. 

This is an excuse. She left you because she doesn't have feelings for you anymore. This decision was emotional, not logical. 

Anything she said to you along the lines of "I'm obsessed with you" or "you're my favorite human being" or "I love you" were never hard statements of her position toward you, as many men believe them to be. It's simply an expression of her emotions in the exact moment she said it. She dumped you, which means her words of love and affection meant nothing beyond the moment she said them. Actions, not words. 

You need to stop all contact with her and completely disappear from her life. She wanted the breakup, so give her the breakup. Let her experience your total silence. If a woman is confused and unsure about dumping you, clarify it. Don't confuse things for anyone by continuing to talk and chat and check up on each other. You're gone. If she reaches out to talk, either blow her off (12-24 hours to respond, with a curt, indifferent reply), or ask her politely but firmly to leave you alone and let you move on. 

I would also look into attachment styles and love languages. She sounds anxiously attached, and anxious (aka needy) women need a lot of emotional reassurance and validation in order to feel secure and connected to their partner. It can be demanding, and it can be impossible to give to the degree they require. 

 

Edited July 13, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Seabreeze1]

3 weeks after the break up on our would be anniversary, she tweeted “today’s gonna hurt like a b*tch”.. She should’ve known I would have seen that.. so between that and her telling me she needs time to process what I said, admittedly gave me some hope but I’m starting to realize other wise at this point.

[d0nnivain]

Stop following her social media for your own piece of mind .

Remember even as the dumper she can be upset about the break up because it was the failure of her relationship too.  She probably cares about you but knows that you are not her long term person.  It still hurts.  

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, Seabreeze1 said:

3 weeks after the break up on our would be anniversary, she tweeted “today’s gonna hurt like a b*tch”.. She should’ve known I would have seen that.. so between that and her telling me she needs time to process what I said, admittedly gave me some hope but I’m starting to realize other wise at this point.

This is simply attention-seeking behaviour on her part. 

Emotionally-mature adults don't air their dirty laundry on social media. Those who do are usually just looking for likes, comments and "are you okay???"-type inquiries. She's got some growing up to do. 

[kendahke]

On 7/12/2020 at 8:17 PM, Seabreeze1 said:

Kind of gauge where we’re at

This is where you're at:

Quote

"I appreciate what you’re saying. I’m glad you’re realizing these things. I am not ready to talk about these things yet, but just know I am not ignoring you. I hear you and I’m just processing”. 

Right now, you trying to make things better looks to her like you're trying to maintain/regain your status quo. 
 

Quote

I would then explain that’s just how I am (I’m very laid back and not the most bubbly person).

She expressed what she needs from me just doesn’t come natural to me, 

What she's asking of you is a complete rewiring from your childhood on--and you can't sustain that. It's not natural to you. You will eventually revert back to being the only thing you can be: yourself... and she will be waiting for that shoe to drop to confirm she was right two weeks ago.

She's been around you long enough to have come to the conclusion that the type of guy she needs is what you cannot offer of your own volition.

None of this makes either of you wrong: it makes you wrong for each other.

[lee179108]

based on reading your first message...  just let her be, I know its hard but its the best thing you can do... if she wants you she WILL come back. I had a similar situation last year, and even have one right now lol.... but last year when she broke it off it took 2 and a half months until she finally missed me and came back wanting to work it out...  time does make you reflect on the good you had...